Brown Bread in Wengen: 3 (Nicky Burkett) - Softcover

Cameron, Jeremy

Softcover

ISBN 10: 1908446366 ISBN 13: 9781908446367

Publisher: HopeRoad, 2015

Synopsis

The trail leads to Switzerland. The whole gang decamps to Wengen in the high Alps - Noreen Hurlock, Jimmy Foley, Rameez Ahmed, Paulette James, Mercedes Marty Fisherman and Wayne Sapsford, not to mention DS TT Holdsworth and warrant officer George Marshall. Nicky takes a hilarious skiing lesson and then the bloody denouement descends on the town square of Wengen on new year's eve. Startlingly original, brilliantly funny crime novel sure to captivate fans of masters like Elmore Leonard and Donald Westlake.

About this title

About the Author

Jeremy Cameron spent several years working in hostels for the homeless and twenty years living and working in Walthamstow. During this period he wrote: It Was An Accident, Vinnie Got Blown Away, Hell on Hoe Street, Wider than Walthamstow and Brown Bread In Wengen featuring Nicky Burket. Other books by Jeremy: Never Again - A Walk from Hook of Holland to Istanbul and How to be President - of Norfolk, Lawn Tennis Association.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Brown Bread in Wengen

By Jeremy Cameron

HopeRoad Publishing

Copyright © 1999 Jeremy Cameron
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-908446-36-7

CHAPTER 1

DEAD GEEZER WAS waiting on my stairs.

'Evening geezer,' I went.

He never answered.

There I was, got the tea to cook. Needed to get out and buy an eighth off Jimmy Foley before Noreen came home. Fucking dead geezer reckoned he'd be waiting for me. It was inconsiderate.

I kicked him. He still never answered.

Wasn't used to clocking dead geezers. Excepting the two I wasted by accident I never clocked anyone who got the big one.

Never ought to get past the outside door only the fucking people downstairs kept on losing their keys so they left the Chubb off and came in the Yale with their cash card. Same way the geezer did probably.

'Jesus,' I turned round and said. 'As if I ain't got troubles enough.'

Went in our door and put the groceries down. Switched the kettle on and checked the time. Five o'clock. George my warrant officer ought to be home by now. I belled him. 'George mate,' I turned round and said.

'Oh my good Gawd,' he went.

'Good to chat to you George,' I goes. 'Always good to check you out you knows that.'

'Nicky,' he goes, 'can't you ring the bleeding office like anyone else does? How did you get my home number when I just changed it again? S'pose you're bringing me nothing but grief?'

'Grief never comes handy George,' I goes philosophical. 'Grief waits for no geezer. What it is George see, I comes home minding no one's business except my own and what do I find? Only a dead geezer. Dead geezer croaked on my stairs is all.'

'Dead geezer? You got a dead geezer on your stairs?'

'I believe that's what I just turned round and said George.'

'Jesus Nicky it follows you around, don't it? You kill him?'

'Fuck's sake George! Told you he was sat here waiting! Waiting dead.'

'You know who he is?'

'I ain't got no fuckin' idea. Definitely a geezer. Ain't no bird. Cuts it down.'

'You sure he's dead? You tested his pulse?'

'No George I ain't tested his pulse. I ain't given him no mouth-to-mouth job neither.'

'Nicky you test his pulse then you ring the hospital straight away, you get me? Tell them if he's alive or dead before they start out.'

'No George I ain't doing that.'

'Why not Nicky for God's sake?'

'Well George there ain't generally no call for checking a geezer's pulse when he got the back of his bonce smashed up and then, just in case you got any doubt, it looks like they strangled him in the bargain, being as how he got his tongue down his chin and he got a rope round his neck.'

'Jesus.'

'Then they shot him in the back George, part of the package.'

'God Nicky.'

'They never liked him George.'

'It don't sound like it.'

'They never wanted him borrowing no more fivers till giro day.'

'Nicky you got to get on the blower right off. 999, police, ambulance, the lot.'

'Fire brigade?'

'No never mind the fire brigade only you ring the police now —'

'George I got you for my warrant officer so I rings you when I got a problem. You knows how they mess with you when you got a bit of form. Never fancy getting a kicking round them cells just on account of some geezer got brown bread on my stairs. Want you there George please mate like a witness you reckon seeing as how you're Old Bill. Look after my interests like.'

'Jesus Nicky, you ain't heard they privatised us? I ain't in the bleeding police force any more, I'm a bleeding civilian. They gave me the choice Nicky, be a civilian or go back on the beat. You ain't heard?' Heard all right. George gave me the news about a million times over. One unhappy geezer. Made my heart bleed.

'Yeah George only once Old Bill always Old Bill innit? Maybe no one told them up Chingford anyway.'

'And Nicky you reckon I'm your warrant officer but you're forgetting you're straight these days, ain't that right? No more fines? Only thing you did the last couple of years was kill someone and they never did fine people for that.'

'It was an accident George and anyway you may have forgot the stress and tribulation on me like my brief turned round and said. Like I never will recover from that stress. Truth George they ought to give me compensation dosh for all that, not start the other way round innit?' George he made a rude noise.

'Knew you'd help me out George, so I sit here and wait while you come round with Old Bill.'

'Jesus Nicky ...'

So I cut him then belled Noreen, got her just before she left work, told her go by her mum till I checked her there. Gave her the bones, give her the rest later. Told her it was never down to me some geezer came round dead.

Noreen sounded like she never gave it much cred. Even you told the truth your woman never believed it. Fact was she sounded upset. Get on my case about dead geezers coming round her place. Maybe give her a spot of emotion later bring her round. Bit of sobbing always helped with birds.

I took a close-up on the back of his bonce.

Bits oozing out. You reckon inside some geezer's Judge Dread they got to have a load of gravy. Not this geezer's. White bits, brown bits, black bits all mash up. Like pebble dash and my mum's rice pudding mixed together, melt him down for bonemeal and put him on your garden. Only a bit of hot sauce lying on top.

One other point you got to mention before Old Bill came round. He was wearing a suit. And shiny shoes. So he never came up Howard Road brassick. And like as not he was carrying pennies. I put on Noreen's gardening gloves. Four pot plants and she bought state-of-the-fucking-monte gardening gloves. I lifted his wallet. Never checked his cards or his bleeding family photos or whatnot. Only borrowed a century. Left another two still there. No problem.

Arrangement with Noreen was I never went out committing crimes or I was history. Not the case I reckoned I never committed crimes that came by my door. Not even a crime you looked at it sensible. Feller never had the need any more. Wanted me to have it.

His neck was a state you had to reckon. Rope near as took his head off. Eyes popping. True as I stood here his tongue hung down his chin. Gravy came out his hooter and his lugs. Then more off his back where they plugged him. All over the fucking stairs and who cleaned it up? I got permanent aggravation off downstairs about who cleaned the fucking staircase. Landlord never wanted to know. I reckoned it got to be their responsibility downstairs. Fair enough I used the stairs for climbing up only they got them all day.

Geezer was smelling already. Maybe he smelled like that before he signed off. I went and brewed the tea.

Fucking hundreds of them and not one gave me any more cred than Noreen. Nor went for that emotion.

Old Bill never believed anyone, principle, only they extra never believed me. All on account of how I had a bit of bother way back with a chief superintendent.

They sat down in my gaff never asked.

'Look fellers,' I went. 'Look fellers you all know me right, know how I was always helpful?'

Reckoned I heard some fucker spit somewhere.

'You got DS TT Holdsworth on duty?'

'TT's on a course,' they went. 'Interpersonal skills.'

Then we all burst out cackling and it got a bit easier after that so I got the rum out. They still never believed me only they never arrested you after you got the rum out, count on it.

'You know who he is?' went that CID Inspector, name of Forrest.

'This dead geezer on your stairs?'

'He ain't a well man, all I know. And he don't smell too healthy. He one of yours?'

'MP for Chingford is all. You got a dead Member of Parliament on your door Nicky. What you make of that then?'

'Heard they was always the best ones dead ones.'

'Oliver Mannion.'

'Never clocked him. What the fuck he come round here for?'

'That's what we were hoping you could tell us. You got a dead fucking MP!'

'Do me a favour geezer. I ain't got no fuckin' notion.'

'Make you right on that one,' goes some nasty little fucker, DC something, Gillespie. 'Bet you never even heard of your own MP, leave alone Chingford.'

'Get your notes out you want to bet,' I goes.

'Pardon?'

'You reckon you want to bet, get your paper out.'

He went a bit pale only he never could reverse now. Put on his smug look instead, reckoned he'd call me and boost his rep. 'How much?' he goes. All the rest got interested now, even the scene-of-crime geezers stopped their dusting and wiping and pulled round.

'Score.'

'Er ...'

'Put it out.'

He got his wallet and they all checked him shuffling. Put a twenty on the table and I matched it. Old Bill never believed their little mince pies now.

'Alan Carmody,' I goes.

'Shit.'

'Had a pint with him Saturday down the Pig and Whistle.' I picked up the dosh.

'You fucking little bastard.'

'Come in handy a bit extra, ring my dealer later purchase some of that illegal cannabis. Giro never did go far enough.'

They had to hold him back. They all cackled in the bargain. 'Lucky he don't arrest you,' goes one of them. 'Just going off shift is Gillespie, likes to make a nicking just before he finishes so he has to stay on for the paperwork, three hours' overtime.' Then one of them stood there, big blonde bird name of Burns, and would you believe when she finished clocking me up and down she pulled out her visiting card and put it on the table. Big tits in the bargain. Problem I had with uniformed birds, always got this problem wondered what it was like their buttons got undone. No doubting she fancied it.

'And I never want you fitting me up neither on some piece of shit,' I turned round and said that Gillespie.

'Lot of witnesses here, George you be my witness innit? Malicious arrest he comes after me?'

'Hrmph,' goes George.

'Little fucker,' goes DC Gillespie.

'You fellers finished now you drunk all the rum?' I went. 'Or you want to start on that cannabis? I got some good skunk I put somewhere, you seen it any place?'

They all went home after that. Took their MP with them, experts finished sorting him out. You got to turn round and say pigs were strange geezers. One way they reckoned whacking your MP was crime of the century. Other way they reckoned it was a fucking good laugh.

And I belled Noreen told her come home.

'Got them Laura Ashley pies for your tea Noreen,' I turned round and said. 'Bit pricey only I knows you likes them.'

'Linda McCartney Nicky not Laura Ashley. Stop winding me up. Only I got my tea round Mum's. Put it in the freezer eh? I brought you some of my mum's gravy, go with your pie if you want.'

'Your mum's a little darling. Just like you course Noreen.'

'Won't get round me like that Nicky, best tell me what's been going down. You know I warned you Nicky, more of them crimes and we're finished you and me, you know that.'

'Noreen be fair! You ain't even heard the knockings yet!'

I was half cut after that boozing with the filth. Getting the sleepy stage, all I wanted was a little sit down and maybe a feel up my bird. Only Noreen was never even getting started. She was sniffing me up suspicious like I was a criminal type.

'Do me a favour Noreen know what I mean?'

When she got mean that Noreen she got a nasty habit closing her little beadies up. Eyelash job. Make a geezer para just sitting there. When she sucked her teeth the same time you got big problems.

'Noreen I only went out bought them Laura Ashley pies ...'

She whacked me.

'Linda McCartney pies and special for you a bit of that Michael Jackson muesli and Whitney Houston pattie and dumplings ...' She started giggling. 'And Marley's Black Forest Gateau and that Diana Ross chocolate pudding and chocolate sauce ...'

She jumped me on the settee, banged her little fists on my bonce and I felt her tits scrunching all round on me never failed on getting me going. She moved a leg up. Now was time for getting the words in before she turned nasty again.

'Noreen straight up I never reckoned the geezer. Fuck knows what he was after. Could be he was a tief man come to roust us.'

'Oh yeah Chingford MP after your giro money I suppose.'

'Maybe he heard you got a personal computer Noreen.'

'Yeah, never afford one himself, blah-di-blah.'

'Maybe he got lost. Maybe he got that memory loss or he was after a bit of stuff, heard that Shelley Rosario got a gaff round the corner.'

'And speaking of bits of stuff Nicky —'

'Eh?'

'Speaking of bits of stuff —'

'Who was speaking of bits of stuff?'

'When I came in the door I smelled woman.'

'What!'

'Woman smell, what I smelled. Woman smell. Who been coming up here then Nicky, eh?'

'Jesus Noreen, which you rather, I killed someone or I had a bit of bird up here?'

'Answer the question Nicky.' She gave me that very nasty eyes-closed-teeth-suck.

I never helped it. 'Jesus Noreen,' I turned round and said, 'maybe you want to bell Chingford nick ask what you smelled. One of them Old Bill was a bird. Big blonde bird name of Burns. Bit tits. I never smelled her close up never do that with pigs, only you got a better nose than me no problem Noreen ...' Her little mince pies were opening up. 'Right little raver that PC Burns, took me down the alley after and you never credit how she moved, and teeth – telling you I got love bites all over —'

She whacked me more and giggled and undid my shirt looking for love bites only then she started kissing me and giving little licks, she knew how she drove me careless that Noreen. Body like a fucking angel and little muscles straight out the gym, best bit of woman in Walthamstow. Got a brain too or so she kept telling me. Drive any geezer careless ...

'Only just you remember Nicky ...'

'Remember what Noreen? Remember your birthday? Remember buy the toilet paper?'

'Remember you stray out of line and I cut it off man. Just one little sniff is all it takes.'

'One little sniff? You gonna cut off my hooter Noreen?'

'Not unless your hooter's what you put up them women Nicky. You do that? You like to put your hooter up your women?' She was starting up snorting with laughing, her own hooter job here.

'Be surprised what some birds like Noreen. Specially Old Bill women so I heard, WPCs lot of them fancy a real good nose up ...' She was rolling all over me now cackling like a donkey. 'Well you just keep your little nose jobs for them others,' she goes. 'For me though, you can reserve your nice bit of elastic down there Nicky, do the trick just nicely.'

'What you say lady.'

'Now why you think that Chingford MP was coming round your flat?'

'Fuck knows. You want to come to bed?'

'All right. Don't mind if I do.'

Never could tell with birds. Twelve months telling me how I was staying off crime. Then crime came sitting on my doorstep and she only got leery on some WPC. Never could tell.

CHAPTER 2

Morning came Noreen went off for working. She got a Class A number down British Airways their office up the West End. On account of she passed exams at school, did computers and talked polite like. And on account of how she looked like about four million dollars. So she got a number up west. Left home 8.20 in the morning, got there 8.55 squeezed in the rush hour. Anyone finger her in the tube and I shaft them.

When I came out of nick all my mates got together and touched me that flat. Mates and our Sharon. Paid the deposit and first few weeks. First gaff I ever got on my own. Lived one time up that Kelly when we got the kid only never got a place my own. Just before I got released Kelly started fucking a German. By that time though my mates and our Sharon got me the gaff so it never mattered. The kid Danny came down visiting.

Noreen started in the bargain. Then some fucker gave her one long thin dark scar on my account, her ear down her throat. Never make it up to her. Still she kept coming visiting. Most brilliant bit of woman in town and I got her.

Then she reckoned she was moving in. Not a case of arguing.

Noreen went off to work and I got up Chingford CID answer more of their questions.

Only before I got there it was all over the fucking papers.

Fucking Alexander kept ringing only I never answered it. Never had an answermachine either, never wanted to hear their fucking messages. Mobile was another matter, strictly personal. I answered it.

It was that Bridget Tansley off the Walthamstow Guardian. Young bird training up.

'Nicky,' she turned round and said.

'Bridget. How's them courts and Council meetings?'

'Nicky you're in the news do you know that? Everyone's trying to get you, they'll be round your address soon. This is the biggest story in Walthamstow for years. Do you want to give me an exclusive?'

Plenty of things I wanted to give her only not an exclusive. 'No Bridget I never want to give you an exclusive.'

'Not even when we worked so well before? Nicky, an MP was murdered round your flat. People are checking you out. They've all heard that this sort of thing ... has happened to you before. Do you want to give me a break here so I can protect your interests?' 'Bollocks Bridget you know that.'

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Brown Bread in Wengen by Jeremy Cameron. Copyright © 1999 Jeremy Cameron. Excerpted by permission of HopeRoad Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Edition details

• Publisher: HopeRoad
• Publication date: 2015
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 1908446366
• ISBN 13: 9781908446367
• Binding: Paperback
• Number of pages: 204