The Don't Sweat Guide for Couples: Ways to Be More Intimate, Loving and Stress-Free in Your Relationship (Don't Sweat Guides) - Softcover

Carlson, Richard

Softcover

ISBN 10: 0786887206 ISBN 13: 9780786887200

Publisher: Hachette Books, 2002

Synopsis

The Don't Sweat Guide for Couples shows men and women how to make their intimate relationships more joyful and stress-free while maintaining their loving connection. Addressing such concerns as:

• Remember the One You Fell For
• Forget to Keep Score
• Aim for the Extraordinary
• Be the Bright Spot in Your Partner's Day
• Appreciate the Benefit of a Doubt
• Cherish the Child in Your Partner

and many more, this book provides easy-to-do, yet profoundly life-changing strategies that will teach couples how to be less reactive, how to communicate more effectively, and how to have a more peaceful and carefree relationship.

About this title

About the Author

Richard Carlson is the best-selling author of the Don't Sweat the Small Stuff series which includes Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for Teens and Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for Men. He is a frequent guest on national TV and radio programmes and lectures extensively on the subject.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

The Don't Sweat Guide for Couples

Ways to Be More Intimate, Loving and Stress-Free in Your Relationship

By Richard Carlson

Hyperion

Copyright © 2001 Richard Carlson
All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-0-7868-8720-0

CHAPTER 1

Remember the One That You Fell For

There is a period close to the beginning of most long-term relationships whenwe're so swept up in the excitement of the chemistry of being in love that wedon't mind the things in our partners that will later become ingredients forstress. Most of us eventually get over this rosy view. But in the process ofdescending from the heights of infatuation, we can sometimes move too far in theopposite direction. We are no longer blinded by love, and have to grapple withthe reality of another flesh-and-blood person. It's a natural, necessary, andhealthy part of love, but it feels like a loss, and it causes pain.

There's no easy cure for the stresses of life as a couple. But your view of theperson with whom you share those stresses can go a long way toward affecting howimportant you allow the stresses to become. When you remember the hows, whys,and wherefores of falling in love with your partner, you maintain a sympathetic,appreciative perspective of that person.

The process of remembering the one that you fell for starts within you. Thinkback to your first glimpse of your partner. Remember the details of yourpartner's personality, appearance, preferences, and habits. Think about howthose aspects affected you when they were all new to you, and remember what youfound attractive.

Remembering the one that you fell for can also be a two-way street. Take walkswith your partner down "Memory Lane." In the early days of romance, you sharedsome powerful emotions and exciting times. Recalling them together can bringthem back into focus and even spark new life in the here and now. Celebratespecial occasions by returning to old haunts that have significance for you as acouple. Pull out old photographs, laugh about happy times, and plan activitiesthat you used to enjoy doing together. Don't seek to recreate the past, but letit feed a richer experience in the present.

In short, make your shared history a powerful tool for a happier, moresatisfying life with your partner. In the process, you'll free up room for alove that continues to grow and deepen.

CHAPTER 2

Read the Same Book

It takes time for people to grow apart. It is the culmination of hundreds ofseparate choices made without reference to the health of the relationship. Thepartners go their own ways in activities that are most engaging, and save themundane things for togetherness. The relationship can become associated withboredom and tedium.

In the same way, it takes time for people to build a strong foundation of mutualgrowth and vitality. This is meaningful time that a couple chooses to spendtogether in pursuits that are stimulating and challenging. Growing togetherinstead of apart requires that you share life's learning curves with yourpartner, day after day, in a variety of ways.

Perhaps your partner plays golf, runs, skis, or boats. You may not have anybackground in these activities, but you can certainly learn. You may not havethe physical ability or find that an activity doesn't grow on you. But you canappreciate what it takes, and be an active supporter in a variety of ways. Yourpartner's area of strength may be intellectual; it may be artistic; it may liein home maintenance. Just participating alongside your partner gives you theopportunity to learn new skills and appreciate more about your loved one.

By the same token, share your own strengths. It may seem easier and moreefficient to avoid the explanations and coaching time involved in sharing yourstrengths with your partner, but ease and efficiency don't necessarily feedmutual growth.

If you're both readers, read the same book, either separately or aloud to oneanother. Talk about your reactions to it. The content of the book becomes ashared experience that draws you together. Take up a new activity that neitherof you has tried or mastered already. Sign up for dancing lessons or join abicycling group. If you enjoy travel and have the means, plan trips to placesneither of you have visited. If you're social types, make new friends in common.

With each choice to learn and grow together, you build a history of mutualsupport and an inventory of engaging activities that bond you and make youinteresting to one another. By comparison, the things that lead to stress andfriction will be boring. You won't want to expend any energy on them.

CHAPTER 3

Be a Friend

Life partners do not necessarily treat one another as the friends they could orshould be. There can be many reasons for this, but the net result is that thesepeople have better friendships outside of their relationship than they do withtheir loved one.

It need not be this way. You can change an unsatisfying status quo. To begin, bethe kind of friend to your partner that you would like to have. Stand close insupport when times are tough, lend a shoulder to cry on in circumstances ofsorrow, and offer a sympathetic ear when life is confusing. Congratulate yourpartner on success, and extend the benefit of a doubt when you don't understandwhat's going on. Maintain and express your confidence in your partner. In theact of being a friend, you will earn the right to have a friendin your partner.

You must also teach your partner how to be your friend in romance. Find a non-accusatory a way of communicating. Rather than expressing yourself in terms of"You never ..." or "I wish you would ..." focus on "It would mean a lot to me if..." or "One of the needs I have is ..." In this way, you acknowledge that theneeds are yours, and you allow your partner to make a gift of friendship to you.

When you extend friendship to your partner and you are rebuffed, you may want totake another look at your act of friendship. Are you focusing on what isimportant to your partner, or are you stubbornly offering only what you feellike offering? Are you treating your partner the way that you treat other closefriends? Finally, have you taken into consideration any anger or pain that maybe getting in the way? Sometimes the forward motion of a friendship is stalledbecause some necessary apologies were never made.

There's little in life that adds as much joy as a solid, supportive friendshipwith the person you've chosen as a partner. If you express what friendship meansto you and pursue it explicitly in the context of friendship, you can move pastthe petty reactions that have grown out of wishing for it. Concentrate onattacking the problem at the source of the trouble, and the symptoms will takecare of themselves.

CHAPTER 4

Sing in the Shower

Among the people you know are those who have had to face a seeminglydisproportionate number of woes in their lives, but who continue to have anupbeat, optimistic attitude. Then there are others who seem to have a specialradar for the negative, who have problems even on the sunniest days, and whowill readily pinpoint who or what is to blame for what ails them.

The difference between these people has to do with their attitude andperspective; what you might think of as the "climate within." Optimistic, upbeatpeople develop a way of viewing life, with all its potential problems, thatinclines them to accept the unchangeable and seek positive solutions.

And that is the point. Regardless of what it may take to move in the directionof deeper joy and optimism, it begins with a conscious desire to feel and behappy. It does not depend on what life throws in your path, and it doesnot depend on your partner. It is yours alone, and it can be brought to bearupon whatever you encounter. It can be as simple as singing in the shower, or ascomplicated as sorting out the pains and sorrows you've held onto for alifetime.

Any number of options are open to you in pursuit of a positive attitude.Consider, for example, the amount and quality of time you devote to the life ofyour spirit. Reflection, prayer, service to others, and worship are ways to helpyou find a joy-filled place to stand in times of stress.

Your emotional well-being is also tied to your physical wellbeing. Many peoplehave found that a good mood is one of the side effects of regular exercise. Whenthey pay attention to a balanced way of eating and drinking, they have moreenergy and enthusiasm.

Also consider how you treat your mind. What kind of "food" do you feed it? Asteady diet of violent or negative entertainment does little to sustain anattitude of hope. Likewise, any quantity of time spent in the company of chroniccomplainers, gossips, or doom-and-gloom mongers will have its influence on yourinner climate. Choose your mental food carefully. Sprinkle a liberal dose ofuplifting experiences into your life through what you listen to, read, watch,and participate in. And balance the time you spend with negative people withthose who follow a more positive path.

CHAPTER 5

Turn Ruts into Rituals

A rut is a path so well-worn that it makes change very difficult. When youtravel that path, you go in the same direction, in the same manner as the lasttime. You may glimpse another way to travel the path or change your destination,but the rut makes change just problematic enough so that you're tempted not tomake the effort. The result is a sense of let-down, of opportunity missed. Outof that grow regret and self-recrimination. Even worse, you may be so used toyour rut that you cease to see alternatives.

Ruts don't happen to us. We choose to fall into those patterns and perpetuatethem without questioning their value to our lives. It is not creating andmaintaining patterns, per se, that allows ruts to wreak their havoc. Instead,it's failing to consider why we're traveling the same path in the sameway and neglecting to decide whether another way would serve better.

A rut may be a train of thought, a habit of response, or a pattern of behavior.If you go without examining it for too long, you risk shortchanging the well-being of your closest relationship. A rut loses some of its power when yourealize that you're in it. With that recognition comes the opportunity torethink your chosen pattern, change it, or transform its effect on you.

Take, for example, the daily habit of reading the newspaper at the breakfasttable. Many partners resent having to stare across a coffee cup at a page ofnewsprint. From that irritation sprouts any number of others, simply because theday begins with a shared behavior—shared by one reading silently, and theother not addressing it constructively—that is ultimately damaging.

Reading the newspaper at the breakfast table can enhance a couple's timetogether if they consciously make that choice. Discussing what they've read andmaking frequent eye contact can transform an off-putting habit into food formutual enjoyment and growth. A routine of watching a certain television show orvideo together can become a cherished ritual.

What turns ruts into rituals is a conscious shared decision. What keepsrituals from devolving into ruts is the willingness to stay conscious and keepchoosing.

CHAPTER 6

Wait for the End of the Sentence

Few skills are more important to the quality of a relationship than the skill ofbeing a good listener. The first step in good listening is making a consciouseffort to pay attention. Human beings can think far more quickly than they cantalk. When your partner is speaking, you take in what is said with time tospare. This can allow your mind to wander, and you may be distracted to thepoint where you stop listening. Furthermore, because you are thinking fasterthan the other person can speak, you may anticipate where a subject is headed.You may finish the next thought for your partner—either literally ormentally. You fail to absorb the actual message, and a lack of communicationresults.

Good listening also depends on your physical behavior. Watch what your partneris saying with gestures, facial expressions, and posture. Make eye contact. Atthe same time, communicate with your own gestures, expressions, and posture thatyou are "with" your partner. Nod attentively, and avoid crossing your arms orshaking your head. The same physical gestures that make you look like you'relistening can actually help you to listen more effectively.

Never assume that you know what's coming next, or that you know all that thereis to know. Like all people, your partner is constantly developing in ways thatcan only be discovered by paying close attention in moments of conversation. Ifyou don't wait to hear the end of a sentence, you may miss the changesoccurring. You miss the opportunity to know more about the one that you love.

Listen without passing judgment. The quickest way to shut someone down is tocriticize and correct instead of hearing her out. Make a point of clarifyingwhat you're hearing. Be thoughtful before you turn the conversation to concernsof your own. Sometimes in the interest of showing empathy, we answer revelationsfrom our partners with those of our own. This can create mutual understanding,but if it happens too often or too quickly, it can communicate a relativedisinterest in the other person. Focusing entirely on what your partner issaying and giving your partner time to finish speaking show that you arelistening carefully.

CHAPTER 7

Learn Sign Language

It's a fact of intimate life that we know our partner's preferences,frustrations, and foibles. Some of these private idiosyncrasies have publicramifications, and we sometimes need to communicate something about them infront of others. Perhaps one of you tends to talk too loudly. Maybe one of youwants to leave a gathering, or one of you needs rescuing from a bore. Whateverthe issue, communicating so that others notice can be awkward and embarrassing.

One effective way of offsetting this is to invent a collection of signals thatallow you to communicate privately as a couple. For example, suppose yourpartner sometimes dips a sleeve in the food on the dinner table. Agree as a pairthat if your partner needs a cleanup reminder, you will say, "Did you happen tobring a handkerchief?" Someone else might tug at an earlobe while making eyecontact to indicate that the teeth need cleaning. The particulars of the signalsare far less important than the fact of them. The ability to communicate withoutspeaking allows you and your partner to be allies in ways that are yours alone,while honoring your privacy in public venues.

Such a solution requires sensitivity and communication. When you first becomeaware of a situation, it may help to think before you speak. In public, ifyou're up against something that you've never handled before, it might be a goodidea to stay silent and discuss it later. Admit that you didn't know what tosay, but for the future, you'd like to know what your partner would prefer.After the issue actually comes up and you put your plans into action, double-checkthat you both are happy with the results.

Attention to intimate communication when you and your partner are among otherscan forestall hurt feelings, humiliation, and subsequent blowups. You're dealingwith the source of stress instead of the symptoms, and in the process, forging astronger bond.

CHAPTER 8

Practice Praise

At first, when we form relationships with other people, we tend to focus more onthe positive. But over time, as we gain more experience with a partner'snegative traits, our focus shifts. We see that our partners are the same mix ofpositive and negative that we are ourselves. What we perceive in our partners asnegative often threatens our own sense of well-being and comfort, so we want tofix it or make it go away to feel safe and happy again.

Sadly, the natural defense mechanism that makes us see and react to the negativemay eventually obscure the positive. The good in our partners that we oncenoticed fades into the background. Our comments become a stream of worries,indictments, and complaints. Our partners begin to wonder if we even still lovethem. In response, they erect defenses. As a result, we reinforce the negativein one another instead of the positive.

This process can be reversed. You can help yourself at the outset by beinghonest about yourself. Most people know that they have faults. That can be acomfort as you view your partner's faults. It should remind you that you won'tfind someone who is fault-free. You have the potential for empathy andforgiveness for someone who has faults, as you do. Knowing that you need theseemotions to successfully navigate your course should help you accept that yourpartner does, too.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from The Don't Sweat Guide for Couples by Richard Carlson. Copyright © 2001 Richard Carlson. Excerpted by permission of Hyperion.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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Edition details

• Publisher: Hachette Books
• Publication date: 2002
• Language: English
• ISBN 10: 0786887206
• ISBN 13: 9780786887200
• Binding: Paperback
• Edition number: 1
• Number of pages: 224