Surviving & Thriving Solo is a light-hearted look at living alone. It is intended for men and women of all ages who live on their own, whether single, separated, divorced or widowed, and those who help them to survive and thrive, such as friends, relatives and acquaintances. The book offers a wealth of suggestions for coping with the challenges like loneliness and chores plus tips for enjoying the opportunities to pursue creative hobbies and build rewarding relationships. Also included is an annotated reading list for further exploration of issues related to living alone. The author shares many personal anecdotes. The text is easy and fun to read. The style is friendly and the tone is optimistic. There are checklists of choices-both realistic and whimsical, accompanied by humorous illustrations. Surviving & Thriving Solo is guaranteed to inform, inspire and entertain you. Oscar Wilde expresses the essence of living alone successfully with his line: "To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance." The book celebrates this romance as the author emphasizes accepting and caring for yourself and everything in your life. You will feel empowered as you discover that you always have options to create a rich and satisfying life in all situations.

SURVIVING & THRIVING SOLO

Options When You Live AloneBy Frances Frommer

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2009 Frances Frommer
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4490-2595-3

Contents

PART 1 INTRODUCTION.....................................................1PART 2 ON BEING AT HOME ALONE...........................................41 Leaving Work..........................................................62 Doing Dinner for One..................................................93 Battling the Bulge....................................................144 Dealing with the Blues................................................175 Shaping Self-Help Skills..............................................226 Discovering Your Creativity...........................................267 Experiencing the Company of a Pet.....................................30PART 3 ON TACKLING THE CHORES & OTHER BASICS............................341 Handling Housework....................................................362 Shopping for One......................................................393 Paying...... Safely...................................................434 Standing in Line-Ups..................................................465 Getting to those Appointments.........................................506 Struggling with Superintendents.......................................547 Coping with Winter....................................................58PART 4 ON RELATING TO OTHER PEOPLE......................................621 Dining with Others....................................................642 Speaking Politically Correctly........................................683 Laughing Again after Your Divorce.....................................714 Facing the Future as a Widow or Widower...............................755 Can You Spare Some Time? Volunteer!...................................796 Growing Older With Style..............................................827 Finding Friendships...................................................87PART 5 ON FINDING COMFORT FROM MACHINES.................................911 Watching TV: Let Me Count the Ways....................................932 Enjoying the Comfort of a Car.........................................983 Daring to Use the Telephone...........................................1024 Confronting the Joys and Challenges of a Computer.....................106PART 6 ON SEARCHING FOR MR. OR MS. RIGHT................................1111 Finding Sex Plus......................................................1122 Eliminating Mr. or Ms. Wrong..........................................1163 Adding Technology to Your Quest.......................................1224 Seeking Safe Sex......................................................127PART 7 READING TREASURES................................................130

Chapter One

INTRODUCTION

My mother always told me that marriage was stepping from the frying pan into the fire. She intended this advice as a warning. To me, her words were a promise of a relationship full of romance, excitement and warmth. During my twenties, thirties and forties, I was driven by the dream of finding my perfect soul mate. I saw myself sitting in a garden in front of a beautiful house, surrounded by a husband, children, a dog and a cat and living happily ever after. However, my chosen partners were unable or unwilling to commit to marital bliss. When I turned fifty, I was still living alone. Nevertheless, over the years, I discovered how to survive AND thrive.

I stayed at home in the safety of my family with two parents, two younger brothers and two felines until I was 24 years old. Then, I moved into a duplex with three women for a year before I tackled my first apartment. It was like sliding around on a floor coated with baby oil as I took tiny steps to care for my home. Gradually, I put on rubber boots, got out my mop and cleaned the floor of my life. I tackled basic areas like work, relationships and interests, clearing negative thoughts and behaviors.

I have digested the statistics of the latest census. About one quarter of adults in both the United States and Canada live alone. I know that I am a member of the fastest growing type of household. I have made peace with the ups and downs. My journey was not all fun and games.

On the one hand, I have experienced great angst. This was most marked when I was without a man in my younger years. After every relationship ended, intense anxiety overwhelmed me. Evenings after work, weekends and vacations also created stress in my life. I had to find answers to many questions. Could I afford to take the day off work to contact the government by telephone? What would I tackle first when I had the flu, the cat was howling, the car was in the garage and my veterinarian's office was closed? What could I do when alone during a power blackout and the batteries of my flashlight were dead and I had no candles? Was it better to go to a dance or surf the Internet for my next date? What could I do when the saran wrap would not unwrap and I was out of tin foil?

On the other hand, I have known wondrous ecstasy while living alone. I felt powerful as I mastered basic chores. I filled my free time at home alone with creative activities such as painting and writing, meditation and self-love. I was blessed with a great career as a librarian and had access to zillions of self-help and humor books to lift my spirit. I linked with other people such as single, divorced and widowed women, in support groups and at other activities. I got a computer with Internet. If lonely at midnight, I was able to chat with friends around the world by e-mail. Adding the comfort of cats to my home created constant delight.

I began to focus upon how to add pleasure and fun to my life. Would I spend a whole weekend writing my book? Could I stay up all night watching Woody Allen movies in bed while eating pizza? Should I do my housework only every other month (except for cleaning the floors for the felines)?Would I paint my living room red or purple?

Surviving & Thriving Solo is a book that wrote me. After a series of losses, I found the light at the bottom of my shopping bag by writing about my options. I recorded my experiences and desperately searched for alternatives in my relationships, home and work areas. At first, I felt like a dot in a box-powerless and helpless. Gradually, I grabbed my angst by the feet, ankles and belly button. I learned how to transform black and gray states of mind into a dazzling rainbow of colors.

My life became bright and full of fun most of the time. My hours alone at home were treasures that I valued. New activities and relationships burst through the clouds. Ladies and gentlemen of all ages, I share my journey with you in order to inform, amuse, entertain and guide your journeys through the ups and downs of living alone.

This book is guaranteed to help you examine your choices as a person who lives alone. You may be single, divorced, widowed or separated. Surviving & Thriving Solo is intended to add lightness and brightness to your life by:

* Discussing experiences and concerns we share as people who live alone;

* Presenting you with a variety of options in basic life areas in the form of checklists;

* Entertaining you by expressing choices that range from the absurd to the practical, illustrated with cartoon drawings;

* Inspiring you to appreciate the opportunities and challenges that are available to you;

* Providing you with an annotated reading list of books that I found stimulating in my quest for a satisfying life.

Chapter Two

ON BEING AT HOME ALONE

Bloom where you're planted. This is the message on a treasured greeting card on my mirror. It took me many years to surrender to the fact that I was living alone. I was a lady-in-waiting for my prince. I dreaded going home. I resisted decorating. I did not learn how to cook for myself. I escaped from my feelings of loneliness by indulging in overeating. Self-pity over lack of a partner often overwhelmed me. Gradually, I identified with the caterpillar that becomes a chrysalis and then a powerful yet delicate butterfly. My life began to bloom.

I faced my 14 walls. I filled them with prints of the sea, sunflowers by Van Gogh and scenes of Tahiti by Gaugin. Plants were placed in every room. I bought white lacquered furniture that I adored. Curtains and pillows in greens, blues, yellows and pinks added relaxing and cheerful colors to my haven.

I learned to love my own company. Loneliness was transformed into solitude. My time alone became an opportunity to meditate, to explore my spirituality and to develop my inner strength. My commitments to painting and writing ensured that I was never alone without enjoyable and meaningful activities.

I knew that I could connect to the outside world by telephone, television, radio and the computer. Self-help books filled my bookshelves. There was a wealth of information to guide me in nourishing my body and soul, fixing mood disorders and cutting toenails.

In addition, Mooney entered my life. He was a blue point Siamese with intense turquoise eyes like the blue waters of the Caribbean. It was a joy to stroke his sleek fur, softer than velvet or silk. He had the disposition of an angel, overflowing with continuous unconditional love. Mooney was my constant companion when I was alone at home and coping with changes in relationships, apartments or jobs. He was a delightful playmate and we had great fun with mice, bells and balls. My progress as a survivor who was thriving came to a halt in February of 1999. When Mooney was almost seventeen, he died of kidney failure. I experienced one of the worst and most painful times of my life. When I left the veterinarian's office and entered my apartment, an avalanche of grief washed over me. With the help of members of a pet loss support group, I gradually recovered. It was healing to share sad feelings and learn ways to cope like writing in a journal and remembering happy times. Although Mooney's paw prints are stuck in my heart, I was able to bring two more felines into my life almost a year later. My hearth was full of purring, playing and cuddling again. I was able to return to my skills of being alone at home and go on with my life.

1. LEAVINGWORK

Even though I eventually had a cat in my life, I avoided leaving work until the last moment. I was anxious because there wouldn't be anyone to greet me when I arrived home. I often worked late. I arranged to go for coffee, a drink or a meal with colleagues to pass a few hours. Shopping and strolling around a mall were also favorite activities. Browsing in a bookstore in the section on self-help books gave me strength. I signed up for evening classes. Since there would not be enough time to go home first, I could eat in a restaurant and have some dinner conversation with the waiter or waitress.

Sooner or later I knew that I had to go home. I envied my co-workers who would rush home to their spouses and children. Then I realized that most of them had to face another job of cooking a meal for others, doing housework and caring for demanding children. I could stroll to my car at a leisurely pace. There was time to enjoy the warm sunshine on my face or to gaze at the twinkling lights of starry skies. I began to look forward to the fact that I could do whatever I fancied when I arrived home. However, I had to do the following: recover from my day of labor, bathe and wash off the dust from the library, cook a quick meal such as boiling a few eggs and making toast, clean the dishes or leave them to soak until the weekend, relax with television or a book, have a few moments for a hobby like knitting, and prepare my clothes and a lunch for the next day of work. Other than these tasks, my time was my own. Over the years, I learned that there are many options to add enjoyment to your trip home from work.

So, Can You, Should You, Might You or Will You?!?!

Checklist of Choices

Be grateful that you have earned some disability insurance and pension for your golden years. You may be your only caretaker.

Focus on the thought that all of your pay belongs just to you. Buy a new suede couch to help you to enjoy your evenings alone.

Have a cassette or CD in your car ready to entertain you as you travel. Wear earphones if you are walking or using public transit. Choose Woody Allen telling jokes, not funeral marches.

Fill your mind with positive thoughts such as a day without a headache. If you have one when you leave work, no one will prevent you from spending the evening under the covers with Tylenol.

Decorate your entrance hall so you will rejoice upon entering your home. Hang bells from the ceiling and pictures of clowns waving at you on the walls.

Consider a cuddly pet such as a cat or dog or buy a teddy bear. If you choose a live creature (or two), you will have a constant little prisoner of love to welcome you home.

Pick up your mail daily to feel wanted and needed, if only by MasterCard, Visa and American Express. Pen pals, magazine subscriptions and donations to charities can also give you regular mail.

Call your friends to feel a sense of connection and social support. When you are on your own, there is no competition for the phone and no one telling you to make your call short.

Prepare a bubble bath and sink into a blissful state of serenity, pleasure and sensual ecstasy. Add a rose-scented candle and some harp or flute music. Throw in bath salts for sore muscles. The cares of the day will float away.

2. DOING DINNER FOR ONE

Dining alone at home or in a restaurant is a challenge. Cutting up vegetables for a salad and cooking some chicken or fish can feel like an exhausting task after a day of work. It is easy to avoid preparing an interesting and healthy meal just for myself. Heating up frozen dinners and ordering food from a restaurant is so convenient. I confess to sometimes eating from a pot or drinking directly from a carton when I am tired.

I gradually came to believe that I deserved a tasty and nourishing meal, especially on weekends when I could spend more time in the kitchen. I have discovered that there are many wonderful cookbooks written for the person who is cooking for one. My whole dinner might not be as plentiful or tasty as the food at a Jewish bar-mitzvah or Italian wedding. But, sometimes, it is worth the effort required to prepare some fried shrimps with wild rice, a spinach salad and chocolate cheesecake. Adding a few candles, soft music and a glass of sparkling wine can definitely lift my spirits.

Dining out alone is always an option when I crave a great meal but prefer not to shop or cook. However, I know that it is necessary to brace myself for some moments of tension that can occur when I enter a restaurant on my own. When asked "how many?," I say "one" with a pleasant smile. I focus on the word "fun" or any other rhyming word such as "gun" in order to stifle a silent scream. It seems obvious to me that I am standing alone.

If I am placed in the center of a restaurant, surrounded by couples and families, I firmly request a table in the corner where I can slide onto the floor when necessary. I keep a list of dining establishments that have cozy corners and booths. I watch for places that attract solitary diners such as airports, bus terminals and train stations. I carry books and newspapers to amuse myself after I have finished reading the menu ten times. I know that I can also sit and plan to bring a friend with me the next time I go out to dinner. Since you are likely to crave dinner at least seven times a week, it is wise to cultivate your cooking skills and find ways to enjoy dining alone.

So, Can You, Should You, Might You or Will You?!?!

Checklist of Choices

When dining alone at home, enjoy the fact that you can dress any old way. A t-shirt or velour housecoat is acceptable. Lying naked on your side can also be comfortable.

Dine whenever you like. Choose six o'clock, eight o'clock or midnight. You can do whatever you like. Your clocks belong to you.

Eat whatever you fancy. A sandwich of bananas, peanut butter and ketchup is tasty. Add some potato chips. No one is around to criticize you for omitting a salad.

Roast a chicken and bake a cake when you have the time and desire. You can use up some of that poultry seasoning and nutmeg in your cupboard.

Let yourself order in pizza or Chinese food some of the time. You will have a four-minute date as you greet the delivery man to pay for your meal.

Eat with plastic cutlery and paper plates. You can just throw away the dishes after your meal. Leave china plates and silver cutlery to be soaked and washed on the weekend.

Entertain yourself with your television, radio, CD player or cassette recorder. You can also use your computer if you are good at typing and eating simultaneously.

If you have pets, place their dishes near your table or couch where you dine. You can munch together and exchange winks.

When dining out alone, carry a book, a newspaper, a cell phone or a laptop computer. You can only read the menu so many times.

Appreciate your next steady relationship. Choose someone who will take you to restaurants and loves to cook, at their place.

3. BATTLINGTHE BULGE

After I learned how to create delicious meals for myself, I found that I was eating more. No one was watching me if I took second or seventh helpings of dinner rolls or donuts. Leftovers of lasagna were not always saved for the next day.

After awhile, when I gazed into the mirror, I was startled by the sight of a pear-shaped body rather than one that resembled an hour glass. My belly was bulging rather than flowing in a straight line. I read The South Beach Diet and Dr. Atkins' New Diet Revolution many times. I discovered that I was an emotional eater.

But, food often gave me sensual delight and reduced my angst while I was learning how to live alone. Eating would quickly banish moods of loneliness and anger and stop me from committing crimes of violence. I also ate more in company as my stomach expanded. Compared to a cigarette, tap water or a sweet sherry, eating is usually socially acceptable.

I believed the biblical message that for everything there is a season. I learned to be kind to myself and accepted a few extra bulges in all the wrong places from time to time. However, I never threw away my books and articles on dieting. I can begin to slim down again and again when I am ready.

So, Can You, Should You, Might You or Will You?!?!

Checklist of Choices

Be grateful that you do not crave heroin or cocaine. The cost is at least double the price of a pizza with triple cheese, garlic and onions.

Take a book and comfort food to bed with you. Bagels with cream cheese and cookies are good choices.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from SURVIVING & THRIVING SOLOby Frances Frommer Copyright © 2009 by Frances Frommer. Excerpted by permission.
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