CHAPTER 1
The Lesson of Hope
If despite a lifetime of diligence and hard work, you feel you arestill searching for something that remains just beyond yourgrasp, then you, my friend, may be stuck in the hamster wheelapproach to life. Hamster wheel people don't give up; they will dietrying to deliver the goods.
You may think you want a better job, more satisfyingrelationship, or healthier body. In reality, your restlessness isn'tabout your income, your relationships, or your looks. It's aboutfeeling incomplete.
As a life coach and Reiki master, I am in the business ofliberation. I help people escape the self-imposed prison of thehamster wheel. For many years, their stories were my story, andthey may be your story as well, but they don't have to be. There ishope for getting off the wheel and living a life you love. It all startswith embracing the amazing and liberating possibility that the loveof your life just might be you.
If you are like many others, you may doubt that falling inlove with yourself is even possible let alone powerful. I assure you,it is. To help you begin to accept that you too have the power toembrace this reality, I will share with you the short version of myown personal story of transformation. The story of what happenedin my own life when I finally fell in love with myself.
Mine is an all too common tale. Too many years on the wheelresulted in utter exhaustion and despair. I was the classic successfulType A overachiever. Sensible, driven, hardworking, and financiallysecure. Someone you could always count on to get the job done.
I began life in 1954 with a question mark over my head. Backthen, medicine could not assure the survival of an "Rh factor" baby.Some required many blood transfusions. I was one of the fortunatefew who needed just one.
Instead of perceiving my survival as a blessing and a gift,early on I concluded that I had to pack each day with output becauseI was, after all, operating on borrowed time and someone else'sblood. My response to a gift of grace was a lifelong marathon oftrying to prove myself worthy through productivity.
Prove myself I did! Along the way, I earned a full scholarshipto college and graduated summa cum laude in three years. Soundsgreat but at what price? Anorexic, ulcer ridden, and clinicallydepressed by age nineteen, I thought I had to re-earn my right to behere every day. To be worthy and safe, I had to control every aspectof my life, always pushing, always moving, always working, alwaysdoing. Looking back, I now realize that when I chose the followingcouplet from Sara Teasdale's poem "Dust" (1966) as the caption formy college yearbook picture, even at age twenty-one I already knewsomewhere deep in my soul that this way of living was a very slipperyslope. Sara writes,
I almost gave my life long ago for a thing
That has gone to dust now, stinging my eyes—
It is strange how often a heart must be broken
Before the years can make it wise.
Although I was usually a quick learner, it would require threemore decades of experience before I was finally compelled to act onthat inner wisdom. Meanwhile, the world kept right on rewardingmy perfectionism and incessant productivity. Fresh out of college, Igot a job in management consulting, making partner in my first firmat age thirty. Over the next thirty years, I served as a senior partnerin four of the world's largest and most prestigious global professionalservices firms.
I had some wonderful times in that career. I traveled allover the world, mentored young people, and knew the satisfactionof doing good work. But even the most committed and productiveindividuals can shift from frustration to a sense of futility whentheir values, passion, work, and lives become disconnected. Afterdecades of working nonstop with little attention to my personalhealth and welfare, my soul and my role had become increasinglyseparated, leaving me feeling disillusioned and betrayed by the verylife I'd created.
One of the problems with not taking care of our health isthat the effects of ignoring it are often slow to show up. We continueto juggle family responsibilities, work, and finances until we loseourselves, waking up one day fifty pounds heavier in body andsoul—no good to ourselves or anyone else. It's no surprise that duringthe final years of my consulting career, morbid obesity and profounddepression defeated me daily. This led me to conclude that my onlyhope of escaping the rat race that was slowly killing me was to get itover with once and for all. The great irony was that while I startedout feeling afraid I'd die if I didn't keep working all the time, I endedup knowing I would eventually kill myself if I couldn't find anotherway to make the pain stop.
Yet as unbelievable as it may sound, today, in my late fifties,I find myself in the best health of my entire life. While I still haveups and downs, my days are permeated with deep peace, lasting joy,and meaningful relationships. These great blessings are the resultof a Journey to Wholeness that began in 2005 when I retired fromconsulting. At that time, I was neither fit nor motivated to startanother career. Though I completed a couple of graduate courseswith the intention of starting my own organization consulting firm,I found myself too burned out to pursue it seriously.
For the first time in my life, I had no clear plan for my future,just the knowledge that I would have to find a way to heal my self-esteemand restore my mental and physical health even to have afuture. In autumn 2006, when my son left for college, my husbandand I moved from Virginia to Colorado, believing a dramatic changeof scenery might provide a nurturing climate for my healing.
Inspired by Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way and still aconsultant at heart, I embarked upon a path of self-healing involvingrediscovering the artistic joys of my youth while facilitating groupsaround artistic recovery and discovery. In the process, I beganteaching art privately on a small scale. Though I loved my work, theexpenses of my small business substantially exceeded my income.Morbid obesity and profound depression persisted. In a five-weekperiod during the spring of 2008, my cat, my father, and my belovedpottery mentor died, adding the challenge of overwhelming grief tomy daily mix.
Meanwhile, my husband had been trying to find work locally.After two years with no luck, we jumped at the chance for him to takea temporary ninety-day job back in Washington, DC, making moneydoing work he loved. The ninety-day assignment stretched to threeyears, with weeklong visits home every three to six months.
I remember the day his car pulled out of our drive as if it wereyesterday. While I was supportive of our decision, I was both excitedand anxious about living alone for the first time in my life. I hadalways assumed the role of perfectionist caretaker and confidante,first in my family of origin and then again in every relationship, job,and household. Who was I if there was no one else for me to take careof? The Universe definitely has a sense of humor. There I was, livingalone at the age of fifty-five with responsibility for the only personin my life that I'd never taken care of—myself.
I spent the first four months hating being alone andbemoaning all the things I didn't like about my life. Then one day,in a rare moment of clarity, I received a Divine download: "You canspend the next year making yourself miserable over all the thingsyou can't control, or you can see this as an opportunity. Is thereanything that's completely within your control and, if you achievedit in the next year, would plant joy firmly in your soul no matterwhat your other circumstances might be?" My response? "I have gotto lose this weight." The most incredible journey of my life began inthat simple moment of grace.
My Journey to Wholeness started with regaining a senseof control over my physical care—what I ate and how I exercised.Losing eighty pounds—and keeping it off—is the part of the storythat many people respect and even envy. But that was just the tip ofthe iceberg. If all I accomplished were to change my body throughhealthy eating and exercise, I would have stopped far short of thewholeness I was seeking.
I had my next life-transforming realization forty pounds intomy eighty-pound weight loss–high on healthy fuel, cardio-inducedbeta-endorphins, and the thrill of, once again, being able to dosomething I set my mind to. While a healthy diet and significantdaily exercise were necessary factors, they were only the priceof admission to attaining the life of deep peace, lasting joy, andmeaningful relationships I desired.
Once I understood that excess physical weight is often justa symbol for excess spiritual weight, I realized finding wholeness isnot primarily about losing body fat. It involves caring enough aboutmyself to create an environment in which I nurture and cherish allaspects of myself.
With this realization, the Universe tapped me on the shoulderonce again: "The key to living a life you love is to feed all of yoursenses in a balanced way, so no one sense will take over, trying tofill voids it can never hope to fill." I got the broader insight into thisdownload another twenty pounds later. Sensory balance doesn'tjust apply to the five outer senses through which we celebrate ourexternal world but also to the four inner senses of creativity, vitality,spirituality, and belonging, through which we imbue our experiencewith meaning.
As one who suffered anorexia at age nineteen and obesity atage fifty, I believe both have their roots in an unhealthy relationshipwith food—trying to use food to fill un-food needs. For me, bothwere ways of coping with anxiety—misguided attempts to feel safeby creating the illusion of control over a life spinning madly out ofcontrol.
The major reason many of us can't sustain the positive resultsof diet and exercise is that most programs do not get to the rootissue—an imbalance in the care and feeding of our souls. I learnedto pay attention to how I am feeding all of my senses—contentand frequency—and whether each is being starved, smothered,or healthily sustained. While my weight loss certainly involvedmore mindful and nutritious eating as well as regular exercise, thedegree of success and ability to sustain a healthier, happier, moreharmonious lifestyle was much more dependent on balanced feedingof all nine senses.
Through daily self-reflection and written meditation,I started to recognize and adjust my sensory imbalances. In theprocess, I realized that the most important element in manifestingthe life of my dreams was a stronger bond between my Source andmyself. Through the power of that synergy, I found more-meaningfulrelationships with everyone and everything.
Prolonged isolation gave me the opportunity to work on therelationship I had neglected my entire life—the relationship withmyself. Stripped of my habitual pattern of avoiding my own needsand feelings by focusing on caring for others, I finally understoodthat loving and taking care of myself is one of the greatest gifts I canever give myself or anyone else, because when I nurture and cherishmyself, my very presence encourages and supports others. WhenI'm not taking care of myself, I'm not able to give my best to anyoneor anything. I may put on a good show, but it will be a pale imitationof the real thing.
Where did these insights take me? Over a period of two years,I shifted from taking good care of myself to falling in love withmyself. When I fell in love with myself, everything else in my lifefinally fell into place. The transformation was so profound, I couldliterally feel my soul and role reuniting in a new form. No longera hamster trapped on a wheel but a vibrant, joyful, fully engagedwoman. I said good-bye to obesity, along with a ten-year bout ofdebilitating chronic depression, and said hello to life!
At this point in my story, you may well ask, "What wouldfalling in love with myself look like?" Remember the last time youfell in love with someone else? How did you treat the object of youraffection? You probably thought about him a lot, paid attention tohis needs, and treated him as if he mattered. Because, to you, thatperson did matter; he mattered a great deal. In fact, you probablybecame downright obsessed with every aspect of your beloved.
Falling in love with yourself looks just like that: payingattention and treating yourself as if you matter. Because you do; youmatter a great deal. You are a unique cocreative expression of theDivine. You are the only you we've got. You are a precious naturalresource not to be taken for granted.
As I lived my new commitment to loving myself, I discoveredthat my sense of equanimity and fulfillment were greatest when I fueledmy core energy in constructive and loving ways—physically, mentally,emotionally, and spiritually. But as I worked more deeply with theconcept of love, I found the term to be nebulous, tricky, and easy tomisunderstand. With experience, I was able to increase the clarity ofmy intention to love my self by adding the attributes of respect, curiosity,compassion, and gratitude. I discovered the following:
? Approaching myself and my life—every being, encounter, andexperience—with love, respect, curiosity, and compassionalways reveals and advances the highest good. Moment bymoment, I know where, how, and when to invest my energyto move myself forward on my Journey to Wholeness.
? Maintaining a belief in abundance and an attitude ofgratitude anchors each moment in a sense of generous,effortless, gracious flow—a life of freedom centered in being,not doing.
? Most surprising, important, and delightful of all, when I fallin love with myself again and again, everything else in mylife really does just fall into place.
The result? I discovered my purpose gradually by committingmyself to unwavering self-awareness grounded in cherishing myselfunconditionally. As I did so, I came to understand that despitebalance sheet evidence to the contrary, I hadn't failed at making aliving with my art. I had instead received a much more precious gift.I had saved a life, my own, through my art. By creating a life worthliving, I had learned the art of living—enjoying the journey. My ownlife is my greatest creative work.
The journey that began with transforming my own lifeshifted naturally into meaningful work as a life coach and Reikimaster, through which I help others discover that health, peace, andjoy are possible for them as well. If it's possible for me, it's possiblefor anyone. If any of us is worthy of such a life, we all are.
I close this chapter of my story where I began: mine is a storyof hope; yours can be too. Fall in love with yourself and live the lifeyou dream of. You are worth the effort.
For more insights into everyday approaches toloving yourself, read The Art of Extreme Self-Care byCheryl Richardson.
CHAPTER 2
The Lesson of theOxygen Mask
Flight attendants instruct us on every flight that should anoxygen mask drop down in front of us, we must put on ourown masks before attempting to help anyone else. That seemsselfish and counterintuitive for most of us. First we want to help ourchild, parent, spouse, or frightened seatmate. It can be difficult toaccept the fact that we will not be able to help anyone else if we runout of oxygen ourselves.
We might be more likely to accept the truth if the flightattendants painted a picture of what could happen if we don't put onour own masks first. Imagine a scenario in which you are travelingon a plane that develops engine trouble. Suddenly, oxygen masksdrop down and your seatmate just stares at his, frozen with panicwhile precious seconds tick by.
If you choose to ignore the flight attendant's instructionsand struggle to get a mask on a panicked person first—in a planethat may well be unstable—you may wait just a bit too long to takecare of your own mask. At that point, you are no good to yourself oranyone else.
Suppose instead that you recognize the common sense inthe flight attendant's instructions. You decide it's not just okay butessential to take care of yourself first and only then assist yourfellow traveler. Once you have your seatmate settled, you glanceacross the aisle and notice someone else frozen with panic. You reachacross, help them, and then motion for them to help the next personover. Eventually you find that you have helped someone who helpedsomeone who ... You get the idea. When the flight stabilizes and youland safely, you know with every fiber of your being that you havebeen anything but selfish.
Unfortunately, we rarely notice how well the "oxygen mask"principle applies to everyday life, but does it ever! The parallel isthat failure to take care of your own health will inevitably meanyou will be unable to care for the ones you love. Though the damagecan be slow in showing up, one day you wake up weighed down bya load you can no longer bear—physically, mentally, emotionally, orspiritually.
