CHAPTER 1

Gathering the Gals

There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror thatreflects it.

—Edith Wharton

The energy of women gathered is extraordinary—healing, exhilarating, sometimesover the top, but always inspiring. Women have been gathering for centuries forfriendship, strength, and solidarity. Women's circles have existed throughouttime, and we have joined together during our cycles in moon lodges and red tentsacross many cultures and throughout the world. This time together, away from menand everyday obligations, is a chance for communication and understanding.Celebrations are born and rites of passage noted and observed as a result.Sacred time and space is created with these gatherings, a place to find solace,joy, and commonality. It can be empowering and enlightening to spend time withother women on a regular basis.

My Gals

My goddess gals, they are a grand bunch. We have laughed until we fell over,sang at the tops of our lungs, greeted the sun with yoga, traveled to the seaand to the woods, and eaten some of the most delicious meals together. The foodalways tastes luscious when we are together, no matter what. If we order takeoutand drink beer it is a banquet. The joy of working together to create mealscan be magically tranquil and energizing. For some gals, cooking is stressful,so that needs to be respected. For a few of us, cooking is grounding and thekitchen our place of peace and empowerment. We always balance out our cookinggroups among kitchen goddesses and those who are happy to be choppers, stirrers,and servers—works like a charm; like butter, in fact.

The happy hum of the gals in the kitchen buzzing around and doing their ownthing is especially joyful. I can freeze-frame moments from our cookingescapades and sigh at the memory of the contentment and simplicity of thosetimes together. All of our special goddess spice added to the meals makes for asurefire feast. Simple understanding and acceptance creates an atmosphere forthe delicious to settle on every tongue. So read on and learn how to gathertogether a group of goddesses on your own. Laughter and a little mischiefawaits, with many added treats here and there.

She Started It

Let me tell you about my goddess group and how it evolved. Nine-ish years agoHeather was the new gal in town from California. Her husband was going tograduate school here in Boston, and she was looking to meet people and make somefriends while she was on the east coast for a few years. A woman she knew backhome had a sister in Boston. The sister in Boston had a friend who was an artdirector at an ad agency. The friend at the ad agency had a friend from the townthey both used to live in. And the friend from the ad agency had just met awoman who was representing a photographer—and so the first goddess dinnerconvened at a campus apartment over wine and pizza. It happened that easily. Weget together once a month for dinner, sometimes at restaurants but usually atsomeone's house for a more intimate atmosphere, or just in case we all get tolaughing very loudly (and you just know that someone is going to snort or chokeor spew wine across the table in the process), telling bawdy tales, or needingto have a little cry. It offered a chance to just be women for an evening. Weare still mothers, daughters, partners, businesswomen, but in this company weare free to speak our fears, hopes, and dreams without having to explainourselves or play just one role.

Nearly a decade later, some of the characters are the same and some havechanged. Heather is happily ensconced back in sunny California but keeps intouch and encourages visitors. She even started a west coast branch. We haverecently become international, with a Goddess-UK chapter created by one of ourlovely original members up and running.

The Whys and Wherefores

My top five reasons to create, join, or belong to a women's group are:

5. It gets you out of the house and out of your head.

4. It provides a dream sanctuary.

3. It gives you a place to listen and be heard.

2. You get to just be.

1. It makes you feel good!

5. Gets You Out of the House and Out of Your Head. Having something to lookforward to on a day or a week that may be feeling pretty gray otherwise canshift everything to the positive side. It sets in motion assured and joyfulanticipation. We can get into routines that can lead to ruts if we aren't awareof it. Attending a get-together will cause an energy shift in us no matter what.Instead of being alone with too many thoughts and a bowl of cereal for dinner,or with our families or partners and not an inch to ourselves, for a few hourswe can get away from it all. There may be times when you are busy or tired andthink about not attending. I can tell you that those are the days and nights youwill be happiest you got yourself there.

We can revel in our sisters' hopes, dreams, and concerns, generate food anddrink and laughter. Sharing a good laugh is an automatic energy and mood lifter.It shakes us out of our own way for even a little bit of time. Laughter isbonding and liberating in the company of women. Not to mention that there'ssafety in numbers. It is great to have a posse, to know that no matter what,your gals will back you up. Even and especially when you have talked yourselfinto believing a course of action is a good one for you, your posse will find agentle way to remind you that you may want to rethink it. I love to know thegirls are on my side no matter what.

4. Provides a Dream Sanctuary. We all have dreams. Every single one of us. Theymay change weekly or daily or even hourly. There may also be sneaky, squeakydreams that have hung in there for a long, long time, looking for the chance forsome airtime. In the company of other women is the perfect place to revealdreams large and small, old and new. These gatherings offer dream sanctuary, aplace to be nurtured and supported. Just because you say the dream out loud doesnot mean that you have to follow through with it the next day or ever. You maybe inspired to take a step, and if you do will have a built-in cheering section.You can ask for help with emotional support or with practical and specificadvocacy. Some groups exist to do just that. Dreams are vocalized, and the wholeteam figures out the steps and make the plans to help make it happen, supportingthe dreamer at every step of the way. Gatherings are a wonderful place towhisper or shout your dreams into being, or to just let them hover in the airlike fairy dust.

3. Gives You a Place to Listen and Be Heard. To have the opportunity to speakand be heard is so powerful. We may have chances to be listened to in our dailylives, but how often are we really heard? Heads nodding in understanding when wespeak is a mighty cue to well-being, especially if we aren't used to it. Here isthe chance. Knowing that you will be heard and still loved and appreciated nomatter what you say is a significant part of gathering together. You may alsolearn to listen. As women, we have a tendency (here is my generalization of themoment) to want to jump in and make everything better, often before someone haseven finished telling her tale. (There, I said it. If this doesn't apply to you,then I apologize.) Listening to other women speak gives us a turn atunderstanding what they may be asking for. Maybe they don't want their commentof insecurity refuted. There are times when we just need the opportunity to say,"This is how I am feeling right now and I just had to say it out loud." Wow,does that ever feel good. There isn't anything to fix or make better, noresponse necessary.

I get chills every time I have the opportunity to speak my truth at the momentor to witness another women speak hers. It takes some practice to become abetter listener, and the group will offer you a perfect place to rehearse.Learning how to let questions that haven't even been asked lie still without aresponse is a valuable practice.

2. You Get to Just Be. We run around all day playing a thousand different roles.We are moms to some, and at times not just to our offspring. You know what Imean, caretaker girls. We are partners in love and or business. We are mostoften the managers of the household. We are the good daughters and thevulnerable little girls. We are bitchy when we need to be and sometimes justbecause. I tell you, those plates on sticks are spinning pretty fast most of thetime, and it takes a lot of effort to keep them all going. Gathering with otherwomen offers a place to be women in all of our glorious crazy-quilted selves. Weunderstand our moods, or at least recognize them, and don't need explanations orjustifications. Of course, we bring all of ourselves with us when we gather, andthat is the expectation. Being in the company of other women offers breathingroom and the space to sigh. Isn't that a lovely respite from the noise andexpectations of the outside world?

1. It Makes You Feel Good. The most straightforward benefit of forming a women'sgroup is that it makes you feel good. It may not get any simpler than that, andwhat a great motivation. If the prospect of getting together with other womenmakes you happy, then we are just getting started. Don't you love it when yourun into a gal pal you haven't seen in awhile, or a woman you may have met onceor twice and feel connected to, and out of one of your mouths pops, "Have youhad lunch yet?" or "Do you want to grab a cup of coffee?" Gathering regularlywith a group of gals gives you that and then some. I am thrilled every time Iconnect to someone new, and it's such a natural to find a cozy café or park orsomeone's kitchen to make it happen. Imagine the good feelings that emerge whenyou have a regular time scheduled to meet with other women. It's something tocount on and to look forward to.

Did I Just Say That Out Loud?

The intention of gathering with a group of women is not for therapy, but it mayindeed be therapeutic in ways you never imagined. This gathering is alsodifferent from a business or networking group. Connections and referrals may becreated organically once you get to know one another and trust is established,but this is time to make a spectacle of yourself if you want, to be whoever youwant, not to necessarily be on your best behavior. You are not trying to impresspotential clients, bosses, or employees.

Women are naturally supportive because that is what we do. Just be aware of thetone you want to set for the group. There is great benefit from gathering over acommon theme or interest like a book group, investment club, or workout get-together,but it doesn't always give you the chance to talk off-topic for anylength of time. Think about asking one or two women from a group you are alreadya part of or affiliated with to your goddess group. Go with the gals that havelovely, in-your-face good energy or are quietly intriguing, and mix it up to seewhat happens.

Let's be clear though. I do not advocate women's groups as a place to condemnmen (or women for that matter). It is inevitable that challenges inrelationships will become topics of conversation, but this is a place ofdialogue and understanding, not a place to foster misunderstanding and badfeelings.

How to Start Your Own Goddess Group

What do you want to do? What has the little voice inside been asking for,dreaming of? Now would be a perfect time to listen, join together with otherwomen to support each other's choices. I am hoping that For Goddess' Sake willinspire you to conspire with cohorts and shout out your dormant dreams andcreate a safe and lively place to put those fantasies on their feet. Here aresome suggestions for doing just that.

Not Another Mary Tyler Moore Party

Use your instincts when putting your group together. Follow your hunches aboutmixing and matching gals. They may not always be what you were thinking theywould be, but it is a good place to start. Do you remember watching the MaryTyler Moore show in the ?70s? Come on, you remember: throwing the hat in theair, the newsroom? Poor Mary would always try to put together a party, andeveryone she invited had some kind of funky energy that kept the party simmeringdown in the doldrums. Rhoda would bring some loser guy or meet some loser guythere, Mr. Grant would be crabby and critical, Murray would try to be supportivewith one-liners, Phyllis would hit on Mary's date, and Ted would just be Ted,annoying and needy. I was weaned on television, so you will have to indulge mypop culture references here and there. This is going somewhere, I promise.

We've all been to or had Mary Tyler Moore parties, where something about the mixof people or our expectations or the nervous energy sends the whole atmospherecrashing like out-of-control falling barometric pressure. That's what we aretrying to avoid here, so you have to use your instincts and good judgment whenputting evenings and women together. A few women you know from the gym, othermoms from your children's school, women at work—the gathering does not have toconsist of all your best friends. A common connection is a good place to start.Or just someone you've met a few times who seems like a fit. Others can be addedas the mood suits. Sometimes you will just get a feeling about including someoneor not; they may not be someone you know very well. It will get sorted outpretty quickly, no matter what.

I am chagrined to say that it took me quite awhile to invite one of my dearestfriends into the goddess group. It wasn't because I didn't adore her. I think Ihad to see what the group was going to be for me. I knew no one when I joined,so I was really starting with a clean slate as to who I was going to be.Creating a women's group is your chance to do just that. You may not want toinclude your closest friends at the beginning. We adore our girlfriends,couldn't live without them, but ask yourself first what you are looking for fromthe goddess group. Invite a few women you have known for a little or a longwhile and see where it goes. Be sensitive to your instincts about adding womento the group. It doesn't have to happen overnight.

Try not to get too goal oriented with your goddess group. The key, the mostbasic and only reason to do it, is that it brings you joy. Don't do it under anyother circumstances. Each person may have a different idea of how it is going togo or how she needs it to go, and she may not even be aware of it. Even if thefirst go-around doesn't hold together, it is a process that needs a littlenurturing but also some space and time. More than likely, it can work if you getout of the way and allow it to happen. Don't over-think it.

Same Batgirl Time ...

So, what is this going to look like? Will you meet once or twice a month orevery other? What is realistic given people's lives and situations? Maybe youwill decide to meet on the first Tuesday of every month or every other Sundayafternoon. Keep it simple—a nice mix of people open to the idea will set thestage. Groups are shaped over time, and if each gal brings in another rightaway, it may not be a fit. You don't have to all start out as friends; some ofyou may appreciate your time together but leave it at that. Let it evolve. Womenmay drift in and drift out again. Timing is a key in everyone's life, and thatwill change too. Not all women are used to being in groups of women. Not allwomen have women friends or know how to be one. This isn't an automatic. Therewill be adjustments here and there. Some women are more comfortable in thecompany of men. Some women may be more assertive, some more shy. Each of us ison a journey, and we may be able to stay and participate for a little or maybe along while. We have to give each other the space to discover the answers on ourown.

Getting together once a month or so gives you the space to just be a woman—aplace where the only expectation is that you show up when you can (and therewill be times that you can't either logistically or emotionally, and that isjust the way it is—a good group will understand and honor that).

We say we are too busy. We are trying to balance too many identities—partner,wife, mother, teacher, CEO, organizer, employee, daughter, sister, grandmother.We don't make our inner selves a priority often enough. If we stop to focus onthe nurturing of our bodies and spirits we can feed ourselves powerful, lovingenergy. Food can be the conduit, charged with the essence of our true spirits.

Coming Together Over Food

Sitting down to a meal with your beautiful gaggle of gals is a glorious way toexchange energy. It feeds our bodies and our souls, both of which need a greatdeal of nourishment. Color and taste and smell and emotion all in one bundle,that's what's in store for you when women gather. Rarely in our lives do weallow ourselves the chance to experience just being women; the chance to cometogether without titles and with only expectations to share good company, eatluscious food, listen, contribute with words or with silent energy. So, here isthe chance, and it is well worth setting aside the time for.