John D'Agostini

John “Dags” D’Agostini is the founder of Invictus Leaders, a mentoring program for young men of all backgrounds including juvenile offenders, students, immigrants, professional athletes, and Olympians. John D’Agostini is a graduate from the University of Pennsylvania, served in the Army, and led product development for a curriculum company. He now lives in Minnesota with his wife and two children.

To learn more, visit www.johndagsmentors.com.

EXCERPT

Over the past decade, I have mentored hundreds of young men in ten major American cities. I have been fortunate to work with a broad range of individuals—juvenile offenders, students, immigrants, professional athletes, Olympians, and many more. You name them, I’ve worked with them.

My experience has shown me that the most crucial component to successful mentoring is an environment built upon mutual trust. That trust doesn’t come cheap. It requires time and patience, and the mentor must be nonjudgmental to help the mentee feel safe. Along with great accomplishment and personal transformation, mentoring allows space for difficult and even sometimes tragic conversations. Mentorship may be the only place where a man feels he can breach certain topics without fear of being judged or shamed.

Over the years, I have had far too many private conversations with men regarding their struggles with toxic masculinity. Interestingly, these struggles were not limited to one group of men. Toxic masculinity reaches across traditional societal barriers, and our experiences mirror one another. However, most men’s experiences remain unspoken.

So why aren’t men talking? Because that’s not what we do. Instead, we abide by a code of silence, even at the expense of our own well-being. This book defies that code.

You are about to read many of the most powerful moments of my life. Like many men, I long abided by toxic masculine themes: violence, emotional suppression, and intolerance of women, just to name a few, to the point where they ruined my life. Only with years of reflection and support was I able to abandon those destructive themes and trudge through a long battle with mental illness that was spawned from following toxic male ideologies.

Although toxic masculinity is often an academic pursuit, this book is a collection of short stories paired with reflections. This approach allows readers to digest what are otherwise complicated topics and see them through a life lens. The stories are raw and gritty. You will not find fluff here.

The book starts with the worst day of my life. From there, it ventures into other impactful moments over the course of ten chaotic years. Like many, I didn’t learn in a straight line. I got shoved around, and the lessons from one struggle only took root when combined with the lessons from another. The loss experienced in the first chapter forced me to learn from my past and make the sacrifices necessary to build a future. The format of the book reflects that introspection process.

My life did eventually rebound stronger than ever, but only because I was willing to change, and redefine what being a “man” meant to me. My hope is that the reflections in this book will challenge other men to do the same.

The codes of behavior that men are held to are a false metric for success that only lead to problems. In my case they led to isolation, burnout, and mental illness. These beliefs have also destroyed the lives of others and needlessly perpetuated pain onto generations of men and women throughout history.

Which is why I wrote this. Too many men are suffering, and too many people are negatively impacted by behaviors aligned to toxic masculinity. Men need to change, grow, and learn how to connect. We need to be more. Only by embracing our humanity and exploring our spirituality can we find hope.