Dr. Meander Swotty
From an early age, Meander Swotty expressed a passionate desire to make a positive difference in the world. Unfortunately, he went into academia.
After enrolling in a nearly ivy league university, Dr. Swotty earned his Ph.D. in special education by threatening to date his advisor’s teenage daughter. Upon completing his doctorate, he attempted to avoid reality still further by getting a second Ph.D. in economics. But he was soon guilted into accepting a post-doctoral position by his many creditors.
Once mastering the ancient arts of getting coffee and making dual-sided copies, Dr. Swotty was compelled to leave his post-doctoral position and relocate to greener pastures when the department’s brand new Xerox machine inexplicably burst into flames while he was attempting to make overheads.
Armed with glowing letters of recommendations that contained such lofty praise as “I can’t recommend him too highly” and “You’ll be lucky if you get him to work for you,” Dr. Swotty searched for a job that could provide a comfortable office chair as well as summers off.
Eventually, he obtained a faculty position at what is euphemistically called “a teaching university.” Here, Dr. Swotty taught numerous courses, conducted research nobody ever read, and left countless meetings early because he claimed he had a student waiting in his office. When he applied for tenure, the only dissenting vote contained the comment, “His credentials are fine, but his sense of humor is questionable.”
Once young and idealistic, Dr. Swotty is now a haggard and beaten down professor who declines to attend meetings that don’t serve donuts. The highlight of his illustrious career was when he threw the Faculty Senate into turmoil by insisting Robert’s Rules of Order requires people to use the terms “thee” and “thou.” When he isn’t regaling his undergraduates about the 1980s, he is writing fiction of dubious literary value.
Dr. Swotty can be reached at MeanderSwotty@gmail.com; however, he refuses to answer any e-mails that refer to him as “Mr.”
