MILES EATON

Miles Eaton is a child of the sixties – Mr and Mrs Sixties of Acacia Avenue, Lower Minge, Soddemall. After leaving school at the age of seven, he became a drifter. This involved him having to learn such songs as "Under the Boardwalk" and "Like Sister and Brother".

Fed up with life on the road – the middle of Oxford Street really was no place to camp out – Miles became an advisor to Max Bygraves. He was sacked within two hours after suggesting that Max record an album of heavy metal covers and then demanding that Max publicise it by tightrope-walking in the nude across Dale Winton.

Next he decided to become a model. At his first audition, the agency boss said that Miles definitely had something… and threw him out of the office in case it was contagious.

Following this, Miles decided to spend his days behind the entertainments counter at Woolworths. But as he wasn’t actually an employee, staff phoned the police and he was charged with being recklessly ugly in a public place.

After prison, Miles became a gigolo. Sadly, the constant demand for refunds left him penniless and he took to mugging people instead. This might have gone well, had he not decided to position himself in the heart of the Bronx, where his first attempt to demand money with menaces earned him a beating so severe, he could never walk in a straight line again.

It was after this that Miles took to writing books. Correction: RIGHTING books, i.e. visiting public libraries and repositioning any books which were not standing upright.

Miles now lives in a semi-detached shoebox by the Thames. The only heating he enjoys is when passers-by set fire to the box.

Lots of water, though.