Elizabeth F. Simons

After 96 orbits around the sun, Elizabeth F. Simons doesn't have time for your shit. She writes what makes her laugh, and laughs at the tears of those who don't like it.

*Elizabeth F. Simons says "sex" when posing for a photo, because sex makes her smile more than cheese.

*Elizabeth F. Simons gets frequent comments about how she looks in yoga pants.

*Elizabeth F. Simons was 88 years old when she survived being hit by a commuter train. The train suffered minor injuries.

*Elizabeth F. Simons can drink her grandsons under the table.

*Elizabeth F. Simons cashed in her life insurance so she could throw and attend her own wake.

*Elizabeth F. Simons has studied pharmacy, birding, piano, tai chi, and kenpo karate.

*Elizabeth F. Simons was the first woman in her family to get a college degree.

*Elizabeth F. Simons told her first husband he could not stay awake long enough to survive hitting her a second time.

*Donald Trump once grabbed Elizabeth F. Simons by the pussy, which is why his hands are so small.

*Elizabeth F. Simons usually has 2-3 "companions" more than a decade her junior.

*Elizabeth F. Simons traveled the world at the age of 75.

*Elizabeth F. Simons told her doctor that cancer had just six months left to live.

*Elizabeth F. Simons is the only woman Chuck Norris fears.

Elizabeth F. Simons's favorite jokes are about masturbation. If you don't like them, she'll tell you to go f*** yourself. Which is also about masturbation.

Elizabeth F. Simons thinks Amazon is run by a bunch of weaklings because they won't let her use the word f*** in her biography.