Nigel Cole

The Nigel Cole is an ancient Welsh biomass, consisting mostly of hair, tea and cheese. First confirmed sightings of it were in 1965, initially off the coast of Southern England but shortly thereafter it appeared on the Pembrokeshire coastline, where it remained for the majority of its maturation. It relocated several times after its initial discovery, moving further north each time by a process of dairy osmosis, until reaching its current resting place in West Yorkshire. Its exact location is a well-guarded secret to prevent excessive environmental damage by sightseers and beard hair collectors (a practice illegal in West Yorkshire since 2008, though still mandatory in parts of the Scottish Highlands).

Most experts agree that The Nigel Cole is sentient on some rudimentary level, though opinion is divided on whether it can be considered to be intelligent life in the generally accepted sense of the term. Usually dormant, it does have periods of intense activity, after which pages of text and crumbs of cheese are to be found strewn around it. Some of these pages of text have now been grouped together and published by The Falston Gazette Press as the comedy fantasy novel "Last Exit Before Trolls Book 1: Swimming with Toasters". A second group is currently being collated. Early indications are that these form a comedy/drama set in Wales.

This occurrence of The Nigel Cole did not direct the films "Calendar Girls" or "Made in Dagenham". Nor should it be confused with the similarly named and almost as hair-covered Northern biomass The Cheryl Cole.