Darrell Puls

Small Wars: An Insider's Guide to Resolving Faith Community Conflicts is my third, and probably last, book. It contains the lessons learned from 50 years of intervening in conflicts ranging from divorces to workplace, organizational, and church fights. In it, I argue that pretty much anyone can do what I do without extensive formal training - and this is coming from someone who has trained hundreds of mediators and negotiators. It takes courage, humility, and the ability to listen deeply for what is going on beneath the surface of the fight. It becomes easier when we learn not to personalize distrust and even animosity towards us. They are merely venting their frustrations, and we are convenient targets. Always keep this in mind: This is not your fight, and it is not about you. Small Wars takes the reader through the process step-by-step.

All three of my books are deeply personal, even though The Road Home and Let Us Prey are written in third person. The Road Home, though a guide for church conflict interventionists, comes from my own deep need to forgive physical, sexual, and emotional abuse suffered as a boy, and my inability to do so. I researched hundreds of clinical studies to tease out the power of forgiving and the lies we believe that block it. I then reconstructed it into a seamless process that anyone can guide to help wounded people and faith communities authentically forgive and heal, and to create new, healthy relationships from the ashes of the old. In the process, I found my own freedom by releasing all of the remaining toxins of childhood abuse.

Let Us Prey: The Plague of Narcissist Pastors and What We Can Do About It (Revised Edition) explores the phenomenon of pastors (and others) suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Also known as toxic or malignant narcissism, NPD is one of the most dangerous and least treatable of all mental illnesses. These men (and a few women) appear totally normal to most of us, but the clues are there if you know what to look for. They can be charming and highly charismatic, or shy and self-effacing. However, the underlying pathological needs are still there: Greed, grandiosity, entitlement, a need to dominate and control everyone, pathological dishonesty, and using others until no longer useful and then just throwing them away like garbage. That's the short list.

The revised edition contains updated research, stories from all over the world sent to me by victims of toxic pastors, and a completely new chapter on the narcissist pastor as spouse and parent (clue: They are terrible at both).

The emotional, financial, and spiritual damage these people cause is difficult to describe. Their rage when directed at you is like a flamethrower. I know because I worked under one for three years and have consulted with dozens of churches having the same problem.

I have taken on Emeritus (retired but working on special projects) status as the Dean of Academic Affairs at Pacific Northwest Christian College in Washington State. I spend as much time as possible with my wife, Carole, dog Marley, and family.