Vincent Daniels
Hi, I'm Vincent Daniels, author of Meaty Balls - a collection of essays, expositions, and elegant potty humor (which I heard you like). It's got like a million chapters! (thirty, actually) I also released a book titled Holly Jolly Nothing. It's a memoir recounting absurdities from my religiously-stymied childhood along with other awesome coming-of-age stuff. If you have any semblance of a heart, I think you'll dig it. Even some of you heartless A-holes will get a kick out of it too.
If you're asking, "What makes you so special that you get to write hilarious books that I'll love forever?" Here's why: I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness and was out preaching to strangers about Satan's hooves as a ten-year-old. I wasn't allowed to celebrate birthdays or holidays but went to public school where that stuff was half the curriculum. Plus all the wonky beliefs and cult conventions are funny, in retrospect. Also, I'm half-Asian, which isn't intrinsically funny in itself, but being the only foreign-looking kid in an all-white, Northern hillbilly suburb is funny, also in retrospect. Additionally, I was married to a Puerto Rican for a while and gained two hundred spicy in-laws who swear enough to make Martin Scorsese cry.
In addition to those balls-out hilarious things about me, I live in Detroit, which has a large black population and a lot of crime. I'm not insinuating the two are related, I'm simply stating those things because that's what people usually think of when they think of Detroit. Though both are true, I've never been mugged or murdered by anyone black (or any race). Okay, obviously this is taking a turn for the worse and coming out wrong. One of my best friends is actually black. I'm tempted to rewrite this paragraph because it sounds suspicious, but I told myself "Write it once bro, and never edit it!" This is getting wordy, so I'm going to list the other reasons I'm capable of writing a funny book without as much explanation. And I also wish you, as a buyer, didn't require so much convincing.
5. Starting with "5" because technically there are four "Reasons I'm Funny" written above. I'm going to start a new "5" because this one got ruined.
Real 5. After being married to the Puerto Ricans, I got divorced...and divorce is hilarious! (After you've moved on, lost a buncha weight, and bought a better TV.)
6. I'm an auto-industry stooge who gets paid to design auto parts while writing essays in a word processor minimized in the bottom corner of my screen. Don't tell my boss. (That includes you, PC-monitoring IT guy monitoring my keystrokes!)
7. I go to dive bars and drink a lot. I look foreign. I'm divorced. I have a black friend. We have sweet hip-hop dance moves. Antics ensue.
8. I'm a part-time musician who plays guitar, writes mushy love songs, and says, "Yeah, I make a few bucks streaming my tunes," even though I only get about 60 song streams a year and barely made enough money to buy a combo meal at Taco Bell.
9. I have a gigantic collection of rocks & fossils, comic books, '80s-'00s toys, movie memorabilia, weapons (non-functioning replicas), old-school video games, dinosaur books, hockey jerseys, lawn equipment, recipe books, swords, and button-up shirts that I never wear. The point being, I'm an expert on everything and exceptionally geeky in a sexy and sophisticated way that'll make you feel pretty cool when you're next to me.
So my advice is this: Nab a copy of Holly Jolly Nothing and/or Meaty Balls like the good-for-nothing nabber that you are, and live the remainder of your life, or at least a few measly days, in a cozy, orgasmic reading bliss. Let's cuddle!
