Are you unhappy with yourself? Is your relationship not as satisfying as you'd like? Do you repeat the same negative patterns over and over again-only to feel discouraged, stuck, anxious, or depressed? Write Your Own Story can help you take charge of your life and interrupt these negative patterns. Drawing on research and over forty combined years of experience as therapists specializing in relationship issues, licensed marriage and family therapists John P. Roche, Ph.D., and Kathleen J. Roche, M.S., provide information and insight that will give you the tools you'll need to be a happier individual and improve your relationships. To write your own story, you need to be a healthy, independent adult in charge of yourself, making the choices you want to make. Write Your Own Story shows you how you can turn your life around. In section one, the Roches discuss the thirty characteristics they have found to be associated with individuals who are psychologically and emotionally healthy. Section two explores the dynamics of selecting a partner who is emotionally and psychologically fit. This section also discusses a number of danger signals or "red flags" that indicate a difficult partner and trouble ahead. Finally, section three presents what needs to be done to keep each self healthy and the relationship functioning at a high level over time. Today is the day you can begin to write your own story.
Write Your Own Story
Thirty Keys to Becoming Emotionally Fit and Building Successful RelationshipsBy John P. Roche Kathleen J. RocheiUniverse, Inc.
Copyright © 2011 John P. Roche, PhD, and Kathleen J. Roche, MS
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4620-4951-6Contents
The Thirty Keys to Becoming Emotionally Fit and Building Successful Relationships...............................ixGeneral Introduction: Write Your Own Story......................................................................xiI. Write Your Own Story.........................................................................................1Becoming Emotionally Fit........................................................................................1Introduction to the Thirty Keys.................................................................................3The Thirty Keys of Emotional Fitness............................................................................9A Summary of the Thirty Keys....................................................................................93Attaining Emotional Fitness.....................................................................................94II. Co-write Your Love Story....................................................................................97Selecting a Partner Who Is Emotionally Fit......................................................................97Characteristics of an Emotionally Fit Partner...................................................................101Avoiding the Emotionally Unfit Partner..........................................................................103Additional Red Flags of a Potentially Unhealthy Relationship....................................................115Selecting a Partner Who Is a Social and Cultural Fit............................................................119III. Continue to Write Your Story and Co-write Your Love Story Keeping the Relationship Fit.....................123Creating and Maintaining a Healthy Relationship.................................................................127Familial, Social, and Cultural Influences.......................................................................135Relationship Model Comparisons..................................................................................145The Need for a Sense of "We"....................................................................................151Dos and Don'ts of Relationship Well-Being.......................................................................157Continue the Journey, Take Charge of Your Life..................................................................161Bibliography....................................................................................................164About the Authors...............................................................................................167
Chapter One
Introduction to the Thirty Keys
The first section of Write Your Own Story presents thirty keys typically found in individuals who are psychologically healthy. This section focuses on the basic underlying qualities that are related to healthy, stable, and happy individuals. Individuals with these characteristics are mature adults who are in charge of their lives. The more an individual possesses these qualities, the more he or she may be defined as emotionally fit and the greater his or her ability to have a good relationship. The first step, and the best thing you can do to have healthy relationships, is to be a psychologically healthy person.
A Matter of Degree
As you read, keep in mind that no one possesses each and every one of these thirty psychologically healthy characteristics in the ultimate ideal sense. All of us come up short on some things. However, the greater the degree to which you possess these qualities, the easier you will find it to be happy, be in charge of your life, and have a great relationship. Those of us who do not possess some of these characteristics may want to acquire them or increase the extent to which we possess them. Remember that these characteristics are best thought of as points along a continuum. They are not simply things we either possess or do not possess. These thirty keys are all matters of degree.
A Matter of Work
Acquiring these keys or increasing their level of development requires attention, dedication, and concentration for all of us. However, for some people, more intense work may be necessary. While all of us are "damaged goods" to some degree, some of us have been damaged more by our life experiences than others. In order for us to live healthier lives and have better relationships, each of us has to do the work needed to repair the psychological damage we have experienced. The more damage that's been done, the more repairs that will be necessary. A person grows psychologically healthier by examining, accepting, loving, and acting to change the less healthy parts of the self.
Our emotional health is related to the choices we make as we live each day. Until we do this individual work, the chances of having a healthy relationship are not good. In short, before you can successfully join someone's hand in a mature adult relationship, you need to be moving down the road to emotional health yourself. You need to become a "right" person before you can find "the right" person. You need to become the primary author of your biography before you can successfully co-write your love story, although both stories are intertwined and mutually influence one another.
Not the Same as Infantile Love
Many of us long to have the type of love relationship that we had in our very first love relationships. As infants, we did not have to do much. The loved one (mother/parent) did all the work. It was so easy that we were spoiled by that relationship. Mature love does not work that way. As adults, we must attend to our relationships. As adults, we must learn to be aware of our individual feelings, thoughts, and behaviors and, at the same time, be aware of our partners' needs. We must consciously focus on doing what is psychologically healthy for ourselves and our loved ones. We are no longer infants who get to be loved for just "being." We have to become conscious and work at being caring, loving adults.
Those of us who did receive healthy love as infants and children have the best foundation for mature love. Our need for security, attachment, and love was largely fulfilled. We just have to learn to give love as well as receive it and practice love as a two-way relationship. Along with that comes the need to balance our needs and wants with those of our partners, friends, and acquaintances. The easiest way to be loved is to act in a loving manner.
Some of us, however, were not so lovingly cared for as infants and young children. Some of us experienced the trauma of abuse, neglect, or an unloving parent early in life. For these children, a loving childhood was not experienced, and they often remain "needy" as adults.
For other children, their love relationships with their parent or parents was one-way but in the wrong direction. These children learned that unconditional love was what the parent or caretaker expected for him—or herself. The focus of their parent-child relationship was on getting the needs of the parent fulfilled instead of the needs of the child. The self-focused parent wanted the child to fill the parent's own emptiness. These children experienced a lack of love, which may have left some emptiness in them. The emptiness and neediness of the parent was passed along to the child. These individuals have a more complicated journey toward emotional well-being and taking charge of their lives. To some degree, they may have to re-parent themselves in order to repair childhood damage. To reach the goal of a healthy self and a successful relationship, they may have more than the average amount of work to do, but they too can write their own stories.
Maintenance Required
We must be mindful that all relationships require a significant amount of attention and nurturance. Remember the early stages of dating. For most, it's a great stage. What many of us forget is the amount of maintenance that the relationship required in the beginning: the gifts, the time, the money, the time, the flowers, the time, the cards, the time, and the energy. What we tend to forget is that we took the time to do the maintenance. We made those relationships a priority. Relationships require a high level of maintenance all the way through, not just at the beginning. Satisfying, healthy relationships require time, energy, and resources. If you want such a relationship, you must attend to and nurture the relationship.
Each partner must work to keep the relationship alive and growing. Each has to do his or her work, like tennis players on each side of the net. Maintenance should not be so high that it is all consuming or so one-sided that one person is doing almost all the work. The latter would be similar to a player serving the tennis ball and then running around to the other side of the court to hit the ball back. Such a player would soon be exhausted. High maintenance means we have to think about and spend some time on our relationships. High maintenance must be balanced, and each partner needs to do his or her part.
The Self—the Foundation and the Fit
The self is the foundation of the relationship. A healthy self leads to a healthy relationship. If the self is relatively healthy, it is likely that the intimate other selected will be at a similar level of good emotional health. Many mental-health professionals believe that we tend to select partners who function at a comparable emotional health level. The healthy person selects a healthy partner, and the less healthy person typically selects a less healthy significant other. When this seems not to be the case for a particular couple, a closer examination and/or the passing of time tend to prove otherwise. For example, the healthy-appearing partner who becomes involved with an "acting out", damaged partner, we later discover, that she had significant insecurity or abandonment issues. The healthy partner really wasn't as emotionally solid as it first appeared. The healthy-appearing partner was a caretaker or an enabler. In coupling, we tend to select others of similar attractiveness levels and social class position. This also seems to be the case with emotional health levels. Exceptions may exist, but this pattern of similar levels of emotional health functioning among partners appears to be the rule.
Change Over Time
Of course, two individuals may be at similar levels of emotional fitness at age twenty-five, but five or ten years later, they may be considerably out of sync. This is especially likely to happen if one of the partners has the potential for significantly greater emotional growth than the other or if one partner causes damage to himself by a series of poor choices. People change with time and experience, and they may mature very differently. Partners who get together at a similar level of emotional health may not fit well later if they have very different potentials, have experienced very different life events, or have made different life choices.
Change in Society
Living in a rapidly changing society like the United States alters people over time, because individuals become exposed to massive amounts of social change. As the economic and social institutions of society develop, they impact individuals and families. For example, the women's movement and the developing national/global economy have required considerable changes for many of today's couples, including employment outside the home for each partner, shared parenting and household chores, gender equality, a faster-paced life, less supervision of children, and greater influence of peer groups and media. Husbands and wives may respond very differently to these social and economic changes, and the couple may no longer be as compatible as they once were. For example, one partner may become interested in a new religious movement, become a member, and develop a new outlook on life and a whole new set of relationships apart from her spouse. Another individual may experience rapid career advancement—for example, moving from sales clerk to assistant manager and then to manager—and leave his partner behind. Such changes related to developing social and economic conditions may require considerable adjustment by the couple.
Finally, one change that many Americans have experienced in the past fifty years or so is increased expectations. We expect a higher level of performance from our partners than did previous generations. If your partner is not good as a communicator, a friend, a lover, a provider, a listener, and a parent, you may become deeply disappointed. It's more difficult today than in the past for partners to fit with each other over time due to all the changes and adjustments presently required by life and our society. The fact that life spans are considerably longer than they were a century ago also contributes to increased difficulty. In short, today people may become very different as they mature, make choices, live longer, and become exposed to the rapid and deep currents of change that crisscross our postindustrial society.
The Thirty Keys
The thirty keys define an emotionally fit person. Individuals who possess these qualities are most capable of writing their own stories. These thirty keys are interrelated and, to some extent, overlap. Perhaps one could combine a few or differentiate some so as to have a smaller or larger number, but we find it useful to present these characteristics in this manner. They represent our professional view of what forms the basis of an emotionally fit person. Our view is based on our reading of the social science research literature and our own clinical experience. By the age of twenty-five or so, most individuals have the ability to possess these characteristics and therefore have the potential to experience an adult relationship.
The thirty keys are original to Write Your Own Story. While many of the characteristics have been discussed in the social science literature, no one (as far as we know) has brought them together in this manner. These characteristics reflect the lives and issues of our clients. Write Your Own Story was written to provide to a larger audience the tools, techniques, and insights that have helped our clients.
We want you to consider each of these thirty keys. How does each characteristic apply to you? How do they fit your partner or other significant people in your life? We ask you to do the work and think about yourself and your relationships. To write your own story, you need to focus on how these keys apply to your life.
Disclaimer
The information, ideas, and suggestions in this book are not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Before following any suggestions contained in this book, you should consult your personal physician or mental-health professional. Neither the authors nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising as a consequence of your use or application of any information or suggestions in this book.
The Thirty Keys of Emotional Fitness
Key 1: The psychologically healthy person has differentiated from his or her family of origin.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bow from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. (Kahlil Gibran)
The past is never completely lost, however extensive the devastation. Your sorrows are the bricks and mortar of a magnificent temple. What you are today and what you will be tomorrow are because of what you have been. (Gordon Wright)
The proverb warns that "you should not bite the hand that feeds you" but maybe you should, if it prevents you from feeding yourself. (Thomas Szasz)
An essential characteristic of a healthy adult is that she has differentiated psychologically from her family of origin. She has become independent and separate from her parents, has an adult relationship with them, does not act like a little child with them, is seen by them as an adult, and the thirty keys are not necessarily listed in their order of importance. they behave accordingly toward her. In a similar manner, she relates to her siblings as adult-to-adult. On some occasions, the adult siblings may "play around" with each other like children. They can have fun with one another; however, the siblings recognize and treat each other primarily as adult equals with mutual respect and understood individuality.
The healthy adult has an adult relationship with his mother and father. He gradually becomes a peer and, hopefully, a friend to his parents. At the same time, he has a special relationship with his parents. He knows that they gave him life and "grew him," but he recognizes that his parents do not own him. They recognize his independence. While they may continue to give advice and want the best for him, they recognize that he is in charge of his life, he makes the decisions in his life, and he experiences the consequences of those decisions. In short, he and his parents act like adults.
Unhealthy parents tend to project their needs on to their children. Some parents see their children as primarily extensions of themselves. They have difficulty recognizing boundaries between themselves and their children. They will not let their children be different or independent. These parents hold on too tight; they crush the individuality of their children. In these families, to be different is to be a traitor to the family. The family is like one big ego mass where everyone knows everyone else's business, and there are no clear boundaries between members. Family therapists refer to this type of family as enmeshed. The family members are overly attached.
The healthy separation from one's family of origin is a gradual process. At some point, the healthy adult has to have his own separate identity. This may require significant work, which the rest of the family may resist. Healthy parents encourage differentiation appropriate to the degree of the child's level of development. Differentiation does not mean that the individual is to cut off from contact with his family or that he is remote from his parents. Many individuals who are cut off from their parents are actually still overly attached to them. Their rebellion indicates attachment. They have not developed themselves as separate people. They think about what their parents would want them to do in a particular situation, and then they do the opposite. They simply have defined themselves in opposition to whatever point of view or position their parents take. The rebel is still entangled within the family system. These opposites—the rebel and the family member who has not severed the umbilical cord (the overly attached or enmeshed)—are equally dysfunctional. In family dynamics, the opposite of dysfunctional is also typically dysfunctional.
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Excerpted from Write Your Own Storyby John P. Roche Kathleen J. Roche Copyright © 2011 by John P. Roche, PhD, and Kathleen J. Roche, MS. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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