No Window for Me is for all intensive purposes, a mistake. This was not an intentional writing. This came from writings that was intended for personal therapy from the realization that Yvette was in a relationship with someone else, while only separated from the author. Obviously Donald had intentions on at least trying to work things out, at least for the children. After realizing he has lost his wife and children as he knew it to be, the pain and anger was too much to bear. Donald had to find a way to express his feelings He began to walk two miles per day, and write down his feelings. From Day One to Day Eighteen, he witnessed his life transform from asking many questions to receiving some answers. In the beginning, Donald was sure his life was over. However, what has happened by days Seventeen and Eighteen, was the miracle of acceptance, after two consecutive weks of pain and despair.
No Window For Me
By D.C. AbernathyAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2011 D.C. Abernathy
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4567-1760-5 Contents
Acknowledgments.....................ixIntroduction........................xiDay One.............................1Day Two.............................5Day Three...........................7Day Four............................9Day Five............................11Day Six.............................17Day Seven...........................23Day Eight...........................29Day Nine............................35Day Ten.............................41Day Eleven..........................45Day Twelve..........................53Day Thirteen........................67Day Fourteen........................73Day Fifteen.........................77Day Sixteen.........................79Day Seventeen.......................85
Chapter One
DAY ONE MAY 20, 2010
I've just finished talking to Yvette. We talked about our failed marriage. I called to let her know that I knew she was dating someone. The pain of knowing this is unbearable. I am begging God to please help me, to please take this pain away. I am asking God to please forgive me for everything I have done and to please take this pain away. I've never had this much pain before. I am asking him what I did to deserve this. I am so very sorry. Why and how could she throw me away like this? She finally confessed to me that she is dating someone. When I asked if they were sleeping together, she would not answer. I know that means they are. I don't know if I can make it through this.
We've been married seventeen years. We have two wonderful children. I thought we were a beautiful black family. Now we are a statistic. She said she likes nice things and I couldn't give her what she wanted and needed. I thought I was close with her family, and I feel they threw me away also. I am unemployed and have not seen my children but three times this year since our separation on July 19, 2009, and this is May 20, 2010. I don't believe they even miss me.
I know I made mistakes in my marriage, but I was always there. I don't understand how anyone could just throw someone away because of the lack of material things. We've been separated for less than one year. Well, we went back and forth living together at the beginning of the children's school year. Some people said we had the weirdest separation they had seen. Others said it was irresponsible on Yvette's part if she had no intention of us ever getting back together. There were times when she would say for me not to get my hopes up of us ever being together again. Then there were times when she would tell the children that we were trying to work things out. The whole time, I was emotionally numb, not knowing how to respond. In the beginning of that separation, I was technically living with my sister. All of my personal belongings were at my sister's home, with the exception of a few items. I would drive to and from Yvette's house to my sister's home during the week to check on my mother, who also lived with my sister. It was at this time when I began to notice the difference between living in a chaotic environment and living in a peaceful one. I do not know why I even wanted to be in her life. Suddenly, after Christmas of 2009, things began to change again.
My life has spiraled downward the past two years, and I don't know why. Now it is becoming worse. I just received another rejection letter from a company I've had three interviews with. I don't know why this is happening to me. I just beg God to please stop this from happening. I am so sorry for everything I have done! How could she just throw me away like that? I would have never done that to her. Please stop! I am writing this to help me get through this pain, but it is not helping. I have tried and tried to make her happy. She doesn't care how the children feel. I can't eat or sleep. Now she is having sex with another man, after seventeen years of marriage. I just want to die because I am so tired. I now know that I am experiencing depression and have been for some years. I was often unable to express my feelings of discontent with her behavior for fear of her leaving me. I experienced trouble sleeping with so much pressure caused by trying to perform at work and at home, and this is what I get. I gave my life to her. I don't believe this is happening to me. God, please help me. Please!
DAY TWO MAY 21, 2010
I am still in pain and despair, begging for help but knowing that it is over. I am so confused as to why this is happening to me. I did not sleep at all last night; I was crying most of the night—so much that my eyes are hurting. I sent an e-mail to Yvette today asking her how she could do this to me. How could she hurt me this way after all we've been through together? She just threw me away as if I mean nothing. And now she is sleeping with another man and we are not divorced. This is so terribly painful. I know that I'm not the first man to go through this, nor will I be the last. But it doesn't help me to know that. I feel like our situation is different. I never cheated on her or hit her. I didn't drink or do drugs. She blames my job as a restaurant manager for dominating my life, and I couldn't stop it. I believe that it was a contributing factor to my depressive state of mind.
And so I pray even more now, asking God to please help me and to take this pain away. I feel as though her family has thrown me away also. They have not called to see if I am okay. They probably feel that since I am jobless, I am not worth their time. Yvette feels that way also. She said I had the job at T. I., but it did not appear that way to me. But it was another bad decision on my part as I felt I had earned another position with a different company that would pay well and allow me the time to spend with my children. I feel as though I may need some professional counseling; however, so does Yvette. When we talked on the phone last night, I told her that she did not try to help me. She stated that she knew that I showed signs of being depressed; nevertheless, she put more pressure on me to perform to her expectations. She would have demands, and I know that I was in such a mental and emotional fog that I didn't hear her. Why do I even want to be with her? Because, as I told her in the email, if nothing else, we were a family. And now, like so many other black women, she has destroyed it. But I allowed her to do it. I have a headache now.
I've spent most of the day crying my eyes out. Thank God for my sister being here for me. I didn't want her to see me like this. I try not to cry, but I can't help it. The pain is so unbearable as I imagine my wife sexually with another man, being in love with him as if she never really cared about me. The only thing I can think about is how she could do this to me. This is so terrible!
When we were in Mississippi talking with her aunt and uncle, they cautioned us about not having sex with someone while we were still married. My wife said that she would never do that. Even now she says she never slept around on me. Her behavior was that of someone who was single. She often stayed out late at night with her single friends. Sometimes she would offer information, beginning with the fact that she had not ever been unfaithful and yet accusing me of doing so. Now in her eyes we are not married, but legally we are. This is a mess! My life has been a joke! On my tombstone I want it written, "Now what was that about?"
DAY THREE MAY 22, 2010
I've had enough! This has been a very rough day but at least a more productive day. I was so ready to end my life. The only thing that stopped me was my conversation with Yvette. After our talk, I realized that she was not worth my tears and certainly not worth taking my life for. Yvette spoke of how for years she has been unhappy in our marriage. She is very selfish and mean and hateful. She made it perfectly clear that she does not love me and has not loved or respected me for some years now. Her words cut like a knife, even knowing that she is not equipped with the level of loyalty and commitment most people have and certainly not the level I have. She blames me completely for the failure of the marriage. She takes no responsibility for anything that went wrong in our relationship. So now, I must go on. This is very difficult. I am stronger today than yesterday, which is saying very little. I have not eaten or slept in three days. My mother, sister, and daughter Nikki have been there for me, giving me hope and listening to me, reassuring me that it is going to get better. I can't say that I won't cry anymore, but I think I will make it, at least for my children. Today, I threw away the pictures of my family that my sister had placed around her house as well as the ones in my wallet. I love Yvette but harbor great resentment toward her. My mother asked me why I threw away my children's pictures and asked me if I was angry at them. I answered yes! I know that they are innocent, but I just wanted them to influence their mother into not leaving me. I know that that is unfair and unreasonable, because they are only twelve and fifteen years old, and I would never involve them by asking them to convince their mother to not leave me. But this morning was a different story. As soon as I was awakened from a semi-sleep, the tears came and were unstoppable. Later, I asked my sister to take me to the liquor store. I have not consumed alcohol like this in years, but it was a part of my plan to build enough courage to end my life. The alcohol truly helped, but I did not follow through with my plan. Earlier today, I called my children to tell them I was sorry and that I loved them very much, which was the reason I did not go through with my plan. It was a very rough day, but I made it. I pray to God that I make it tomorrow, and then the next day, and so on.
DAY FOUR MAY 23, 2010
Well, I made it through another day. I woke up this morning after about four hours of sleep. First I opened my eyes and lay still to assess my pain level. This had become my morning ritual in order to attempt to function as normally as I possibly can. I had to make sure, because the previous day was life-threatening. So I lay in bed for about thirty minutes to an hour before I got up. I then sat up for a few minutes to once again make sure there was no pain. I was okay! I could breathe! So I thought about my situation as well as the previous day's conversation with Yvette. I thought, You know, she is right. The previous day she had adamantly stated that she was unhappy in the marriage and that she had a right to be happy. That's what you want, isn't it Don? So I called her to not only apologize for my words but also to let her know that I was going to be okay with time. The day before she had asked me if I was going to contest the divorce, and I said yes! But today I told her that I would accept the divorce with no issues.
I continue to struggle with knowing that she has a lover. But it helps the pain to subside to know that we really do need to be apart so we can have the opportunity to live our lives to their full potential. I was holding her back from the life she wanted to live, as she was with me. I made the promise that I would not bother her, because we both need closure, and I need time to heal.
I've assessed that I am about at 40 percent okay, which is enough for me to function in an upright position and the tears not to flow. The pain is still there. Whenever I hear a song or watch television, there is something that reminds me of us. That makes it very difficult to make it through, but everyone tell me to fight and keep fighting for my sanity and the life of tranquility that I deserve. I am in the battle of and for my life. One of my weapons in this battle is the love I have for my children and my dreams of the four of us being together. I need them more than they need me. I try very hard to stay active to keep that excruciating pain from returning.
To add to my dilemma I am unemployed again, which was a contributing factor in our separation. Well, I'm going to stop now, because those thoughts are bothering me.
They say that a tragic event in your life just leads to an opportunity for spiritual growth. But why would anyone want to fall in love or choose to love someone when it could lead to this level of pain and despair?
DAY FIVE MAY 24, 2010
I woke up this morning feeling okay but sad. I really needed to talk to someone, so I called my old supervisor and we talked for about fifteen minutes until she had another call come through, maybe. It helped me get through the next few minutes. I realize now that this healing process is going to be a day-by-day attempt. I can't think of anyone else to call. Maybe I'll call a friend from St. Louis.
However, I did have an epiphany this morning. I realized that a part of what I am experiencing is karma. In my previous marriage, to my first wife, I did exactly the same thing to her that my current wife is doing to me, but for different reasons. My first wife was extremely verbally abusive. I was completely done with the relationship and wanted out. I was beyond unhappy, just as Yvette expresses herself to be. My first wife and I had my daughter Nikki. The only difference is that I did not mistreat Yvette in any form or fashion. I gave her everything I had to give. I was completely dedicated and committed to the marriage. In my first marriage we were very young and not ready for marriage. I gave her everything a young and immature man could give. Subsequently, I gave up on the relationship very quickly. Yvette's justifications for leaving me are selfish and shallow. Nevertheless, I ended the relationship with my first wife and began another relationship with someone else before we became divorced. I committed adultery just as Yvette is doing now. However, I did not bring my adulterous ways in the face of my children and say, "Get over it!" My first wife and I were so very young, and at that time I just knew she did not love me. But karma doesn't recognize your age; it recognizes your actions. Now my wife is gone.
This time, I was far more committed to my marriage. This time, my love was so much deeper. Although as the days go by, logic is beginning to creep in, it continues to hurt. I feel so betrayed.
Even as I look back, I don't believe I could have changed most of the things that happened in my marriage. Yvette would have to have been raised with more courage and integrity than what she has now in order for us to make it. I now know that she doesn't have that type of character. I am very, very angry.
I spoke to my sister yesterday, and without giving me details, she informed me that Yvette was never my friend. I sort of knew that. I thought she didn't know how and I could teach her by setting the example. But she had such little respect for me that she didn't watch my example. In the beginning of our relationship I guess we were enamored with each other and did not pay attention to the negative signs, such as her mismanagement of money or her behavior around our circle of acquaintances. As the years passed, I noticed an increase in her selfishness. But I believed in "for better and for worse." I recall a time when she admitted to being selfish along with a justification for being that way. Nevertheless, I thought it was a breakthrough. Now we could truly become friends because she would see my value as a person. Well, that never happened. She said, "That's just who I am. Call me selfish; call me materialistic—that is just who I am."
How could someone place material things above love, family, and people? I thought she had a small sense of integrity. I know now that she can talk a very good game. I know now that she didn't love me anymore and had not for a long time. I just don't understand why. I was always there for her in good times and bad. But I know that that was not her perception. And now that she is gone, and I really need someone to talk to. Everyone is at work. This is not a good time for me. I had a telephone interview today, and I don't feel good about it, but we'll see. Who knows what God has in store for me? I've been smoking way too many cigarettes. I'm starting to cough a lot. To stop smoking is in my future plans. I must be strong for the sake of my children. I am desperately seeking employment as I was before we separated, of course with no positive results. Boy could I use a hug right now, even if it is verbal. I really hate what I am going through.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from No Window For Meby D.C. Abernathy Copyright © 2011 by D.C. Abernathy. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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