CHAPTER 1
Self
It is the summer of 2015. I began thinking about writing this book over five years ago, eight years after writing my first book, Change How You See, Not How You Look: Power Tools for Celebrating Your Body (CHYS), published in 2002. Looking back, that process seemed so effortless. It was a perfect reflection of where I was on my eternal journey of enlightened evolvement. I was happy. I was satisfied. I still like the book very much, and for five years I have known that the very important message imparted in Change How You See was only a surface glimmer of the truth I was seeking. Obviously, there was much of my own work to do before I knew myself well enough, deep enough, and lovingly enough to bring forth the higher and deeper knowing. I needed more of Spirit and less of me.
So here I am, having spent the last eight months writing in context – but out of order – all that I think I know about self-acceptance, all I think I know about bringing that self-acceptance into the mind-body connection, and all I think I know about my own journey in a fat body living in a thin-obsessed society. In the process I became ever more empowered by my spiritual path. Still it doesn't feel like I am quite there yet. Why? Because there is no "getting there." There is only "who am I," what choices am I making about it, and continually accepting that I Am Who I Am.
I still feel like I don't know enough, don't do enough, am not participating enough, and am not clear enough to write a book about being enough! And though I keep grumbling about how "maybe it will all come together tomorrow," I realize in this moment that there is no "tomorrow." There is only now! This is a concept I know very well, and yet when it counts, I often forget. Fear always makes me forget that there is no tomorrow. Tomorrow always feels so much safer. My sweet, well-meaning ego tells me that if I don't really start, then I can't ever fail. How very misguided she is, because every time I don't start, I fail. I fail to remember that all is created in the present moment, and unless I begin now, there will never be a "beginning" tomorrow. And since there is no "there" to get to, I remember that everything that happens here, every word I write or don't write, is my path of recognizing that I am already enough, and never alone!
So here I am, again. Starting. Let's see where it goes!
"Self" Definitions
During a class at my spiritual center, one of the exercises was this question: What is the difference between self-love, self-respect, self-esteem, and self-image? The following was not my answer, but it so struck me as the truth that I have had it written on an orange post-it note all these years:
Self-Image: How you show up for others.
Self-Esteem: What you value
Self-Respect: What you do
Self-Love: Your connection to God
Self-Image: How You Show Up for Others
How we show up for others, especially in regard to our body image, changes on a daily basis, and it is usually decided by how we think others want us to show up. What are their beliefs? What are their needs? What are their desires? How will they react to me? How will they like me? How will they see me? Will they see me?
How we show up for others is about expectation, theirs and ours. Expectations are about what someone has been told, has believed, and has decided about how we should be or look or act. Expectation always relies on an outside force to change or show up in a certain way. If such and such happens, then I can be happy; if so and so does this, I can be happy. Expectations don't always result in disappointment, but they always hold the seed for it. Expectation gives away our power.
In relation to our body temple, self-image often relies on the outside forces of fashion (only size three is "in" this year), media (if you don't look like this, you're in trouble), politics (if you don't believe in the hype about obesity and fat, you are politically incorrect), and economics (if you don't continue to pour money into the idea that you aren't enough, then the economy will crumble). While they don't exactly say that out loud, it is the clear implication. We are daily, even hourly, encouraged to change ourselves, inside and out, in order to satisfy an external expectation. But rather than meeting that expectation, we just keep failing because outside standards change in a flash. Just when we think we have done all we need to do to satisfy an expectation, the game changes, and we are once again on the prowl for how to make ourselves presentable, acceptable, and successful at being who we are expected to be.
I want this book to lead you out of "expectation" and into "expectancy." Expectancy is an attitude, a philosophy, and a vibrational energy of knowing that no matter what expectations the world has of you or you have of the world, Source is always working for the highest evolution of your good. Even disappointments occur for the highest good, and realizing that makes them easier to accept and release. Even when you appear to disappoint the world, even when the world appears to disappoint you, there is always a deeper lesson and a higher good formulating. Living in Expectancy is the knowing that the energy of Good resides within you and all around you, allowing you to do and be whoever you truly are.
This is just a glimmer of what is to come, so keep it in your mind and have an expectancy that further clarity is on its way!
Self-Esteem: What You Value
Synonyms for esteem are: admiration, favor, appreciation, honor, regard, prize, treasure, and revere. All of these words are about value. Using them in relation to people, events, conditions, or ourselves tells people (and affirms in our own minds) what we value in our lives. If we don't feel favorable appreciation and regard for someone or something, we would say we do not hold it in high esteem; it is not something we value. If we are perceived as having low self-esteem, it usually implies that we do not value ourselves. If we don't value ourselves, how will anyone else value us? Most often we truly wish to be valued in the world, and we often perform in order to achieve that. But until we can value ourselves, there is no way to have it reflected back at us. How we value ourselves, how we see ourselves, how we feel about ourselves, what we say to ourselves, and how we show up is all a reflection of our own inner idea of who we are and whether or not we believe we are of value.
The truth I share in this book is that you are born having value because you are born as an expression of the Divine. Your job is simply to remember this truth and to use the spiritual tools available to manifest the good that is always awaiting you. That expectancy is the bedrock of your self-esteem; the expectancy of the Good that is always surrounding and within you.
Self-Respect: What You Do
"Every act is an act of self-definition." (Neale Donald Walsch, Friendship with God). This is such a simple statement, and yet when I first heard it, I was astonished at the power behind it. Everything we do defines us. Every act tells our children who we are. Every act tells our co-workers who we are. Every act tells our partners and our friends who we are. We are responsible for that. It is the answer to the "who am I" inquiry.
If you tell your daughter that the size of her body does not define her lovability, and then despair when you step on the scale yourself, your daughter will not remember your words. She will remember your action, and you will be defined by her not as someone who believes in the perfection of her own body, but as someone who believes the expectation of the external world that women must weigh a certain amount to be acceptable. She will learn to believe the same of herself. "Do as I say, not as I do" never works with children, and doesn't work with others either. What you do is created from your heart, from the beliefs you hold, and from who you believe yourself to be inside. "Actions speak louder than words" and "Every act is an act of self-definition."
Self-respect is doing that which reflects who you truly are and what you truly believe. Self-respect is doing what you say – walking your talk, as it were. Self-respect is about having the integrity to determine who you are and have it reflected in the actions you take in the world. Even if those actions are not acceptable to the outside world, your self-respect is wrapped up in whether or not it is acceptable to you. Do your actions reflect your values, your truth, and your sense of connection to Source? Or do they reflect what you have come to believe is expected of you?
Living life from the deepest part of who you are – the core essence where God resides – is self-respect of the highest order.
Self-Love: Your Connection to God
Being connected to God is the knowing – not just the belief, but the absolute, down to the depth of your soul knowing – that you are worthy, valued, seen, heard, unconditionally loved, and brilliantly afforded all the goodness there is, simply by being alive. Simply by being. Worthy is not a goal, it's a given. This is a phrase that came through me in a client session one day as I was listening to someone express their deep pain at not having yet achieved worthiness. Worthy is not a goal! There is not energy enough to "get you to" worthy – it is a given by the mere fact that all is God and you are all God. Striving to be worthy is like the fish striving to find water, or the wave striving to find the ocean. If you love God, you love yourself. There is no difference between the two energies, and it is impossible to love one without loving the other. There is no separation!
Sacred Acceptance: Loving Myself the Way God Loves Me
The one element missing from this exercise was self-acceptance. Sacred Acceptance is loving and accepting yourself as God loves and accepts you. It is knowing absolutely at the core of your Being that you are all God and that no matter what you do or are or have been or look like or act like, God never stops loving you and accepts whoever you are in every moment without judgment. Sacred Acceptance is knowing that we have the opportunity, the option, and the power to love ourselves the very same way.
So this is a lot to hear in the first few pages of a book. If you get it and you know it and you live it, then you don't need this book, and you may carry on with your day. However, if there is even the faintest charge of disbelief, or if you said even once "except for me," then settle in and see what more there is to learn about revealing your absolute Sacred Acceptance!
How Do I Know?
How do I know what I know? Because I have lived the path of victimhood; I have walked the path of "striving"; I have done the work of finding what I value; I have felt the pain of self-hatred brought on by believing the external perspective. I have studied, listened, contemplated, prayed and practiced myriad spiritual teachings, all of which inform who I am today. The most prevalent of these, and the most recent, are the teachings of Science of Mind/New Thought philosophy. The spiritual principles and affirmative prayer of New Thought lovingly brought me along the path of knowing that my worth is a given, that I have all the power of God at my disposal, that I am never alone because God lives within me, and that there is no separation between that which I define as Source and that which is the expression of Source, which is me.
The most precious gifts you can give in this world are the gifts of your attention, your support and your authentic self. The path from victimhood to enlightenment is as simple as opening your heart and seeing yourself in others. Having experienced the empowerment of honoring and being honored, you can then turn – from a place of strength, pride and confidence – toward the culture that works so hard to keep you separate and shamed, and see it with compassion and love, thus promoting the healing process. This then becomes the energy that is manifested in the universe and begins to multiply a thousand fold. This is the power we all possess.
Since becoming a Spiritual Practitioner assisting clients in seeing their truth, I have come to believe that there are only two things at the core of every single person when it comes to self-esteem, body issues, relationships, health, wealth, or success: Am I lovable? Am I seen? Lovability and visibility are basic core needs and desires of every Being. In any moment of confusion, fear, depression, doubt, or confusion, I just ask: "Am I feeling lovable? Am I feeling seen?" The mere asking of these questions leads me to the more enlightened and evolved questions: "Am I loving myself?" "Am I seeing myself?" It is never about out there; it is always about remembering that we are guided by a Divine and Beneficent Energy. When we remember there is no separation, then we begin to know that the answer to "Am I Lovable? Am I Seen?" is always, always, always Yes. The next evolved step is to ask: "Am I loving others? Am I seeing others?" Be the change you want to see in the world.
When I choose who I am and who I want my best self to be in any given moment, then every decision I make becomes an act of self-definition. How could I be anything less than perfect?? Who am I? I am who I am!
Stages of Evolutionary Growth:
One of the main tools I utilized on this journey (and the foundation for the premise of this book) comes in the form of the "Four Stages of Evolutionary Growth," created by Rev. Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith, founder and spiritual director of the Agape International Spiritual Center headquartered in Los Angeles, California. This theory proposes that consciousness can be divided into four stages. Each stage represents a fundamentally different experience of what we term reality. Following is a brief summary of Dr. Beckwith's Stages:
The first stage is described as the stage of Victim Consciousness. Here, we see the outside world as having all the power. In the First Stage things are done To Me. This is the domain of the ego.
The second stage is the domain of the Linear Mind. This is where we encounter the Law of Cause and Effect, and where we manifest things in form. In the second stage, things are done By Me.
The third stage is the domain of Spiritual Reality. Here the Law of Attraction supersedes the Law of Cause and Effect. In the third stage, things are done Through Me.
The fourth stage is the domain of Illuminated and Enlightened States. This is the stage of Enlightenment where there is no longer any sense of separation or individual identity. It is the ultimate destination of our journey. When we reach this level of consciousness, the "little" self is replaced by the Presence, God, Spirit, and there is technically no longer a "me" for things to be done as. In the fourth stage, things are done As Me.
CHAPTER 2
Realms of Revelation
For purposes of our journey, I will be translating the Four Stages concept into Realms of Revelation. I choose this wording because it is the embodiment of our spiritual process. We seek, we read, we reflect, we listen, we notice, we participate, and we practice. The result is arriving at a Revelation: Something important is revealed that changes our life, our perception, and our consciousness. It can be a spiritual truth; it can be the releasing of a belief that no longer serves; it can be a behavior that needs to be relinquished; or it can be a paradigm that needs to be transformed. Each Revelation leads to the next stage of seeking, reflecting and practicing. Although we can never forget a Revelation once we have realized it (once you know something, you can't unknow it), we can certainly block what we learn or deny how it works. We have been given the joyous blessing of Free Will, and, therefore, we have the free choice to live in bondage or in freedom. It is all about consciousness. Once we understand each Realm of Revelation, it is a matter of awareness, mindfulness, dedication and spiritual practice to continually uncover which Realm we are in at any given moment. It is always a journey upward, though we may find ourselves quietly (or not so quietly) slipping downhill on occasion. All is well, for we always know the way back up, as you will see.
Of course, the body is not separate from the mind and the soul. Therefore, each of these Realms, though mostly addressing the body temple in the context of this book, are relevant to the entirety of the mind/body/spirit connection.
I invite you to apply these concepts in whatever way works for you. If you find some of your own truth here, great; if you don't, great. I am here as a conduit and a voice for my own Truth. Please use this section as a guide to each Realm, as I will be referring to them throughout the remainder of the book.
