CHAPTER 1
Foundations
Welcome to my life
WANTED:
Complete strangers to accompany a 45-year-old, Australianwife and mother of nine on the journey of a lifetime.All expenses paid by me in blood, sweat and tears.Guaranteed to make you laugh, cry and ponder life's meaning.Guaranteed to heal your heart, challenge yourmind and rejuvenate your soul.No experience is necessary, butCompassion and understanding is a must.Travel dates are completely flexible.Interested parties please apply by reading the following pages.Only after this will the journey truly begin.For both of us.For it will be through you that I will have thechance to live and create myself anew.
The life I lead now has happened according to my pastthoughts and choices. Responsibility is a much harder pillto swallow than blame. In some ways, I wish I could returnto my Christian beliefs where I could opt for the excuse of being in thehands of Almighty will, but this newfound belief has sown itself in thefolds of my soul and given birth to new views. I probably wouldn't havesurvived much longer. With the passing of each year, another withoutidentifying my connection and my purpose, it felt like my soul was beingdrawn back to the only place of comfort and release I knew. Life was oftenmore than I could bear, and although I didn't understand the spirituallonging I felt, I subconsciously believed that suicide would take me home.Being exposed to a new perspective is amazingly exciting, but I also feelincredibly vulnerable. I'm seeing the world in a whole new way and I'meager to explore its unlimited possibilities, but the "what ifs" haven't beenfully dispelled. I never imagined that I could leave the security of myself-limiting behavior, nor escape from the bars that held me captive.I never imagined that I could be more than I was. Quite honestly, thethought never crossed my mind.
I'm not an object of obscurity as one might imagine an average womanto be. I've lived an intense life with ample highs and too many lows. Buthere I am, standing on the threshold of self-discovery and experiencingthe meaning of a 'mid-life crisis.' For me, it's time to stand up and growup; but I'm grieving at present. I'm angry, hurt and annoyed that it'staken me near on half a century to learn the truth. I'm grieving for whoI thought I was supposed to be, when all along I could've given up thefight and surrendered to who I was created to be. The distortion in myown belief began some time ago. So far, the journey hasn't been much fun,and changing my self-perception is proving to be a continual challenge.But here I am, eager and willing to unearth the truth of my existence inthe slim chance of discovering a new me in the folds of a different belief.To say that what I'm doing is unimportant would be to discredit what Iam being. I'm writing a story in which I am both the storyteller and themain character; therefore, I must be the experience in order to relate theexperience. In the words of a spiritual master, "words help us to understandsomething, but experience allows us to know it" (Walsch, 1997). May yoube blessed by the story of my experiences.
Bear with me a few moments while I introduce you to the elementsof my existence. As we are partners on this journey, it's worth knowingjust who you're traveling with. The choice is yours whether to travel thedistance beside me, and at this stage there's no guarantee it's going to befun.
As a child my life was boring. I had one older brother, created ina different decade. Sibling rivalry was never an issue. My parents werewealthy and happily married when I came along: the product of many yearsof trying to have a child with no success. Little was known, or discussed,in regard to such an intensely private problem, and as devout Catholicsmy mother and father had faith in God's timing or divine punishment,depending on which way you chose to see something. When I was growingup there was no such thing as denial. It was believed that money couldproduce a happy child, and instead of remembering fairytales and fables,I have memories of discussions relating to trust funds and tax deductions.According to what I've been told, it wasn't always like that. I just happenedto come along when life was good By fifteen I'd traveled the world moretimes than I could remember. I'd visited churches of every denominationand era, and eaten in restaurants with names I could not pronounce.Despite the fact that I was often told just how lucky I was, how trulyprivileged I was, I never felt that way. These were my experiences, butthey didn't define me, so I was left feeling as though I'd missed somethingimportant. I just couldn't put my youthful finger on it; not that at fifteenyou understand what it is. It was only when I was among the poor andthe suffering, the downtrodden and the pitiful that I felt truly stirred. Itwas within these experiences that I felt alive, worthwhile, understood. Icould relate in some unspoken way that I never could within the familythat formed my own reality.
At sixteen I had a very blasé attitude of 'been there, done that,' andfelt as though I'd seen far too much too soon, so when I met a boy whoopened up new and exciting opportunities, I fell head over heels in love.We were married just after my eighteenth birthday with our first childwell developed within the womb. Our engagement gift was an overseastrip, and our wedding gift, a hefty deposit on our first home. Could it getany easier? Well, I guess it depends on how you view the experience.
The high was rapidly becoming a low sometime during the secondpregnancy. Neither of us looked too hard at why, because at that agewho really wants to see? By baby number three, coming just three yearsafter baby number one, the signs were evident, yet the ditch we'd dug forourselves was becoming increasingly deeper with each child. What do youdo when you're young and unsure of all you're sensing? You move awayfrom the reality and choose instead to live in a world of denial. I chose notto see my husband's interest in others and misguidedly believed that if Icould just try harder it would be OK. It makes me incredibly sad to realizethat as I sit here and write these words more than two decades on, I stillstruggle with the belief that I'm just not good enough. This still remainsmy greatest challenge.
Don't fear dear reader; I won't reinvent each and every event of mypast before I begin, but I must advise you of some important facts beforeyou tick the 'I agree' box and move into our shared space.
As a child I was sexually abused by both genders, and this may accountfor my disassociation with reality. I have been identified as bipolar, a mentalillness that attributes to manic highs and suicidal lows. Some time ago, I wasimprisoned for a crime I cannot remember committing, and this fostered aneven greater sense of separation from self, family and society. To this day, I'mtroubled by the possibility of the how and why it happened, and still haveno recollection of the actual events. Since then, I've undergone treatmentand counseling and these opportunities have shed great insight on possiblereasons why this happened, but the how remains a mystery. I once began abook titled "when good people do bad things" in a bid to find the answersto my own questions. Like many other failed attempts, it remains as ahalf-completed project; therefore I am no wiser than before. The effect ofmy past actions, a split second's worth in the entirety of my life, punctuatesmy days with a before-prison and after-prison approach. Many peoplebelieve that prison is punishment, but really the true punishment is furtherseparation. I was separated from my children for eight long and painfulmonths. True rehabilitation comes with believing we are connected. But thisbelief is only newly acquired; therefore shame and guilt have accompaniedme since that time. But like everything, the experience served a purpose.To this day, I still can't fathom all that led me to such a state of despair, butover the years I've come to understand the elements involved and this hasbeen beneficial. This time of such intense bewilderment and pain was notin alignment with who I truly am, and if I view it within my new truth thenI can most assuredly say that I am blessed in such an experience of knowingthis. Now I can travel with confidence to who I am, and who I wish to be. Ican't change my past, but I can choose to change my future.
My mothering years have been abundantly beautiful. I was createdfor this purpose. Until recently, I was totally dedicated to this career ofchoice. We must never believe for a moment that being a mother requiresany less than a focused commitment to the job at hand. It's only in thispast year that my yearning to rediscover who I am has become unceasingand persistent. It can no longer be ignored, and it can no longer be buriedbeneath the excuse of busyness.
For the past two and a half decades I have been pregnant for approximatelyeighty-one months. I've breastfed for about twelve years, and I've had aboutten years of sleep-interrupted nights. I've had hormonal experiences to testthe best, changed thousands of nappies, wiped away countless tears, andloved passionately. Being a mum makes counting your blessings easy.
For me personally, mothering has provided the perfect opportunityto express myself authentically. The role was natural and fulfilling. Thisdoesn't mean that I feel that I've been the best mother I could've been. Justas my children have evolved through the years, so have I, and althoughmistakes are a fundamental aspect of growth, they have left their mark invarious and individual ways.
Nothing has had a greater effect on my life, though, than when I wastold that my child had cancer. Until then I believed I was seasoned to theeffects of news. Over the years I'd experienced every motherly emotionpossible while dealing with issues relating to car accidents, unexpectedpregnancy, homosexuality, and date-rape. In hindsight, nothing could'veprepared me for the emotional rollercoaster ride throughout the cancer,chemotherapy, and radiation experiences when all of a sudden my hugs,kisses, and love just weren't enough.
It was during this time that I began to experience the greatest feelingsof being powerless. At the time, my Christian beliefs made me angry ata God who could cause such devastation. I felt tired and defeated andeverything showed. I may not have been experiencing the physical effectsof the cancer as my child was, but I was certainly punishing myself withthe emotional effects. Many of the beliefs that had pulled me through somany of life's trials seemed completely ineffective.
Seeing the fragility of a life that I believed was worth more than mineled me on a quest for meaning. Over the years there had been pain given andpain received, and I had endured and conquered more than my share. It'sbeen hard, so hard in fact, that it's a miracle that I have survived the countlesssuicide attempts. It's a miracle that there is any sense of normality in ourfamily. We are a miracle. We are a beautiful expression of love survived, yetwe are not a healthy expression of love lived. It was this that led me on onelast and final quest to find the truth and meaning of the human experience.
In the past, there's always been someone or something that's accused meof being less than who I wish to be. And I guess I must take responsibilityfor allowing this to happen. We're all the same, really. No matter what itis that we've experienced, we can all identify with the unfulfilled potentialwhich has been created by our own limited beliefs. Today I'm choosing toventure into a new perspective just to see what it has to offer. I'm going totest the waters and brave the elements in the hope that I can unearth oldtreasures and create new experiences. I hope you'll journey beside me, butthe choice is yours.
What is new truth?
New truth is an altered belief. The majority of us carry ideas thathave been introduced in childhood and that have been willingly acceptedthrough naivety. But many of these theories have been heavily influencedby the opinions and agendas of others. Our parents, our religiousaffiliation or our peers have all fed our minds, and these may or may nothave benefited our purpose. We all arrive, sooner or later, at a place ofsearching, and often this occurs when life deals us a serious blow. Sickness,the death of a loved one, redundancy and relationship break-ups are themost common cause of loss of direction and understanding. When we'reat our lowest, there's only one place to look. And that's up. When we'reforced to take stock, we're assuredly gifted with insight.
Many of today's great spiritual leaders teach new theories on old subjects.Below is a simple list that summarizes many of these beliefs as I understandthem. Some, you may already be familiar with, others may offer a newperspective. However you view them is up to you, but they have formed theblueprint for my journey within this beautiful new and exciting truth.
1. God is not separate from us, but is instead one with us.
2. We are not separate from each other, but instead are all one with God.
3. Nothing happens by chance; everything is the result of choice.
4. We have the power to create our lives according to the highestvision of who we are and who we wish to be.
5. No-one can do anything to us without our permission.
6. We do not need anything or anyone. We have all we need.
7. There is enough.
8. All we have to do is remember who we are, and live from thisreality.
9. This is not the first, nor is it the only life we will live. We arereincarnated beings.
10. There is no such thing as good or bad, heaven and hell. They arerelative concepts that we have created to differentiate between thetwo extremes of experience.
We are all masters of our thoughts. The beliefs that we create fromthem are up to us.
This is the basis that forms the new truth that will lead us on thisjourney. At first, many of these assumptions felt strange to me, evenungodly, due to my previously held beliefs. You may feel the same way,and guilt may keep you from experiencing all life has to offer. The onlyadvice I can give is this; make some time to find somewhere quiet, awayfrom noise and distraction. Close your eyes and clear your mind. Breathedeeply and go within. Remember who you are.
CHAPTER 2
Journal Entries
August 10
Melancholia
A t present, I'm once again assaulted by that feeling. Theone that has arisen over the years more times than I careto remember, and has led me to a number of suicideattempts. Don't ask me why I haven't succeeded. Maybe, subconsciously Ichose not to. My brother did. Despite the warnings regarding his excessivebehavior, he continued to drink till he died. Drugs aided the desiredresult.
I see suicide in a different way now, no longer as the unforgivable sinthat I once believed it was. Thanks to my remembered truth, I have nomore thoughts of spending eternity in hell, so it would be easier now. Onestep and it's over. Just start again and reincarnate as someone new, someonebetter. I don't mean to make light of suicide. It's just another core beliefI've ingested from another's perspective, but one I now choose to alter. It'sonly when we understand something that we can take the necessary stepstoward change. I no longer deny the invisible force that has tugged at mein the past and instead now focus on creating a life worthy of living. Deepdown, I acknowledge that in the past what I sought was relief from thecontinual and unrelenting pain. Death was the only way I could imaginefinding release. But the questions that taunt me with the "should I orshouldn't I" choice no longer align themselves with the answers that I'mnow finding. What stirs me every time is the perceived pain that otherswould experience because of me, and the effect that it would have ontheir lives. Having become familiar with the effects of grief on so manyoccasions means that it's the last thing I wish to pass on to my children.The greatest sacrifice I have made for them thus far is to keep living.
Today's familiar episode of abuse has once again left me strugglingto want to take another breath. But leaving them now, when I'm on theverge of a spiritual breakthrough, would be a low blow. I know that theanger they'd feel toward me for deserting them would eventually turninward, and the consequences could last their entire lifetime. Sufferingand self-loathing have followed me for the longest time. I don't want thatfor any of my children and especially not for the one who damaged metoday. It wasn't the fists that hurt the most; it was the hatred I saw in mychild's eyes. I love my children too much to pass on this insanity. Not tothe one who hit me. Not to any of them. I choose not to be the selfishindividual everyone says I am. I choose not to end my life today.
Despite what I'm feeling at this time, my new truth, my rememberedtruth, (Walsch 1996) sears my senses. It is so remarkably familiar. There'sno way I could forget again. Or is there? Could I choose to devolve? Thisis why I have failed to escape in the past. Every door along the way hasclosed, and now I know there's a reason why. That reason is me, and thisjourney has been a consequence of my choice. I've always known it, but Ifailed to realize it because I had not yet remembered it.
I have lived my life as I have perceived it; as a victim; a victim ofchildhood sexual abuse, a victim of an abusive marriage, a victim oftyranny, and a victim of circumstances. I no longer deny that this is thecase. To refute it any longer would be to halt the process of growth, and Ichoose not to do that anymore.
Today's anger came not from its usual source, but still from my ownflesh and blood and for no other reason than money. It seems like no timesince this child and I were one but the years have seemed to reinforce ourseparation from each other. Mother and child are the perfect example ofoneness. Time cannot change this truth. It is for this reason alone that todayhurt so much. Throughout the exchange, I was hurting self, screaming atself, and destroying self. It was human destruction at its worst.
(Continues...)
