Life is filled with contrasting moments. Unfortunate things can happen to you at any point. Perhaps you plan to wed and your fiancé suddenly calls off the wedding. You could be killed in a car accident; a loved one could die of disease. Or, worse still, you could enter a shopping mall and a disturbed individual could take his or her anger out on the world by going on a shooting rampage at the store where you shop. How do you react to such adversity? With what attitude do you approach such adversity? Perhaps you spend time seeking revenge or remaining bitter about what happened to you. Or, perhaps you are consumed by anger to the extent that your only concern is how others can feel the wrath. While these are ways of responding to adversity, this book cleverly dissuades this kind of approach. It destroys your present and hinders your future. The goal of this book is to help you realize this before precious time is wasted and invite you to learn how to let go of the past in order to invite a more prosperous future.
THE UNPREDICTABILITY OF LIFE
How to Respond to AdversitiesBy Killian MuliAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2009 Killian Muli
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4389-2240-9Contents
Please Note:.........................................................................vA Word from the Author...............................................................viiDedication...........................................................................xiPreface..............................................................................xiiiThe Unpredictability of Life and Our Response........................................xiiiPart I: Vulnerability................................................................1Why Revenge Does Not Pay.............................................................3How We Can Learn From the Pain.......................................................4A Tearful Recount....................................................................6(i) Anger............................................................................15(ii) Retaliation.....................................................................16(iii) Jealousy.......................................................................17(iv) Pride...........................................................................17(v) Showing Weakness.................................................................18(vi) Protect Yourself................................................................18Part II: How Your Choices Shape Your Future..........................................19How is this Related to Forgiveness?..................................................23Part III: How Holding Onto Pain Affects Spirituality.................................25Why Holding onto Pain is Harmful.....................................................29(i) Indifference.....................................................................29(ii) Guilt...........................................................................30(iii) Grudge.........................................................................32(iv) Retaliation.....................................................................32(v) Anger............................................................................34(vi) Bitterness......................................................................35(vii) Jeopardized Relationships......................................................35(viii) Hatred........................................................................35Part IV: How Learning From The Past Can Lead To A Better Present.....................37The Benefits of Letting Go...........................................................43(i) Peace............................................................................43(ii) Perception......................................................................43(iii) Healing........................................................................44(iv) Sense of Relief.................................................................45(v) An Increase in Love..............................................................46Part V: Jesus: The Perfect Model Of Forgiveness......................................51Today's World........................................................................58Reflection...........................................................................61Epilogue.............................................................................65Bibliography.........................................................................67Endnotes.............................................................................69
Chapter One
Part I: Vulnerability
I wish that nothing bad would happen to you, but that is unlikely to be the case. I have experienced misfortunes: both minor and catastrophic. I have witnessed both major historical happenings and everyday misfortunes.
How do you react to difficult situations? Do you vow revenge when you feel you have been wronged? Or, do you seek to learn lessons from that suffering to live in the present? It is easier to hold onto pain than it is to search for life lessons. However, the only true road to a brighter future is paved with forgiveness, and not revenge. In the following chapters, we will examine the dangers of holding onto painful experiences; we will explore how this affects our lives. Through reading the following chapters, you will learn the value of letting go of the past in order to gain a better future.
From my childhood, I have known a universal terror that I refer to as living in the past. I have watched people waste literally years of their lives because they were utterly consumed by past experiences. They awoke each and every morning lamenting about the past. As such, they were never able to truly appreciate life. We are only given one life to live-a minute time on this precious earth. Life is unpredictable. We have countless examples of how life can change in an instant. You could be killed in a car accident, a loved one could die of disease, you could enter a shopping mall and a disturbed individual could take his or her anger out on the world by going on a shooting rampage at the store where you shop. So why would you choose to spend your life consumed by the past? You should learn to be thankful for each day because you never know when your time is up, and although this may seem cruel or harsh, it is the truth.
I was raised in a Christian family with seven brothers and three sisters. Although my family led a Christian life, not all days were Sundays. We all knew many Good Fridays without Easter Sundays. Fights, disobedience, intimidation, and quarrels were normal ingredients of the day. When we did not deliver in our duties, whether in school or at home, such a failure was deemed disobedient, and a severe spanking would follow. It was a time when the only way to solve a conflict was to react. If we arrived late to church, we were punished; and on the following Sunday, we would arrive to church on time. If we talked during the celebration, we were asked to leave. When we returned, we remained silent. This is how we learned to behave appropriately. We learned that every action has a consequence. If we chose to act out, then we were punished. But I never learned to feel bitter or resentment towards anyone who punished me because I realized at a very early age that I had the power to control how others reacted towards me.
Why Revenge Does Not Pay
At some point in adulthood, most people learn that revenge does not pay. Even though you think you will feel better once you reach revenge on a person who wronged you, it often carries an unsatisfying emotion. This is because you most likely cared for the person who hurt you. If you did not care about the person who hurt you, or how they felt about you, then you would not feel the need to seek revenge. However, the person who hurt you could have been a parent, a sibling or a lover; the point is that these are the people who should love, protect and support you. Therefore, when they harm you, it leaves you with deep pain and even shock. You can spend years trying to seek revenge, but it will not bring you peace or happiness. Most likely, you will actually feel guilt for hurting the person you still love. Even though the person hurts you, you still love him or her, especially when they brought you happiness or joy in the past.
I have realized that it is a waste of valuable time and resources to dwell on a bitter past. When we live in the past, we keep it alive, and it intensifies. We allow it to grow and remain alive within our hearts. When someone hurts us, they disappoint us. We should realize that disappointment is a part of life that we must accept.
How We Can Learn From the Pain
From past painful experiences, I have come to see the sense of Dr. Kituku's words. The past is gone; however, we can shape the future into a positive, bright experience. You cannot allow the past to ruin your future. If you were to waste years focusing on negative experiences, you would surely encounter great difficulties. During every unpleasant experience, you must have the courage to ask yourself, "What can I learn from this?" You must be honest with yourself. Think about what an unpleasant experience has taught you. Do you see the world differently? Do you view yourself in a different light? Perhaps you learned that certain things are out of your control. We would like to have control over our daily lives because it is how we arrive at a sense of peace.
We work, we pay bills, we raise our families and we have recreation time. We like to plan our days as we see fit, but sometimes life gets in the way of those plans. Perhaps you plan to wed and your fianc suddenly calls off the wedding. Now all your plans for the wedding day, and for the future, are destroyed. The situation was out of your control and you must accept that. Do not spend time seeking revenge or remaining bitter about what happened because it will hinder your future. At some point, you will see that for yourself, but my goal is to help people realize this before precious time is wasted.
A Tearful Recount
As I stated in my other book, in one village where I spent time, I met an old woman who suffered through the civil war. When I first met her, I guessed she was about eighty. When she recounted the horror she suffered during the war, I soon understood why her face appeared aged, tired and worn. I was shocked to find out that she was only in her fifties. She tearfully recounted how the rebel soldiers forced her family to watch as they raped her daughters and then killed them. They brutally killed her husband and all the other children before setting the house ablaze, leaving them to burn into ashes. She tried to commit suicide several times because her pain was excruciating and constant. She blamed God because He did not intervene to save her soul from such unimaginable pain. She blamed the neighbors for betraying her, although one did come to rescue her from the burning house. Finally, she carried a great deal of the burden within her heart simply because she did not perish in the fire along with her beloved family.
Now we can all understand why she would feel so bitter. In an instant she lost her family and everything that defined her existence on this earth. She was a mother and a wife, and in one horrific event it was gone. There was no reason. She could search for the rest of her life, but she would never understand why this happened to her because we simply cannot fully explain the evil that exists in this world. We can understand why she wakes angry every morning, and it is a sad situation. No one could ease her pain because no one can truly "walk in her shoes."
So how could anyone expect that this woman could learn to let go of the past? For her, I think she could have learned to accept the past in order to have a more peaceful future. I use the term "more peaceful" because she could never truly find peace. She would never again find happiness with a man or a family, but she could have learned a lesson from her past and perhaps shed light on how to deal with grief. It would have taken her a lifetime of therapy to find it within herself to forgive those who wronged her, but she did not choose that path for herself. Today, she looks old and withered; her pain is illustrated clearly on her face, and even today, my heart aches for her.
I mention her story as a way to help you put your life into perspective. I can almost bet that you have not suffered as much as this woman has, and although you should be given time to grieve, there comes a time when it is necessary to realize that the world is full of destruction, and you have the strength to make it through your circumstances. We can see this example from personal stories of tragedy and triumph; in addition, we see it in examples of major circumstances in the world.
For example, the events of September 11, 2001, changed the world forever. We now refer to America as "The Post 9/11 Era." This means that before 9/11, the world was one way, and it is now something much different. It is now an unsettled world where our freedom could be in jeopardy in an instant. We were shaken like never before because this country had never seen terrorism as it unfolded on that day. Today, our world is unbalanced. We are in the era of terrorism. We face dangerous leaders who spread hatred in their regions. Since 9/11, the world has become an unsteady place. The terrorist attacks changed the face of the earth. On that day, filled with utter shock and terror, the world changed; we faced uncharted territory. Before that day, we felt safe-terrorism was not an everyday thought. Now, we experience anxiety about the future of this country. People realize that we are not as safe as we thought we were. We cannot take our safety or our freedom for granted any longer.
This war on terror has led to more retaliation on all sides; further, it has created long lasting wounds. The world is in desperate need of reconciliation. We have already experienced the effects of revenge from this war. We need to spread peace and democracy in order to arrive at a prosperous future for all people.
It is important to note that reconciliation and forgiveness does not equate the condonation of evil. Whether this notion is demonstrated on a small or large scale, it remains true. All parties need to evaluate their involvement. This evaluation leads to a better understanding of how we can reverse some of the damage.
We began this chapter by recognizing that unfortunate things can happen to you at any point, from everyday things such as losing your keys or missing a dinner date, to major events such as war and terror. Now it is time to highlight that suffering does not destroy you. Painful events do not destroy you; rather, you are destroyed by how you deal with such events. Your attitude in dealing with negative things defines your character.
When something bad happens to you, you are given a choice: You can weep and sulk in your misfortune, or you can turn the pain into something positive. You can truly learn from the experience. You will soon find that when you can overcome a challenge, you gain a sense of self-confidence that makes you stronger.
Some challenges are necessary for growth. A word of caution though: You must face a challenge wisely. Let me illustrate this with an example. When I was young, my grandma cautioned me from coming home late by telling me stories about wild animals. Her favorite was the Kenyan water buffalo, a very clever and mean animal. My grandma would explain that it mattered how I faced this challenge. If I ran uphill, the buffalo would easily catch me. The water buffalo could also easily catch me if I ran downhill. How could I escape my fate if I encountered a water buffalo? I would need a better plan. How do you face a challenge? Do you have a plan?
In order to face a challenge adequately, you must have a great deal of common sense. You have to judge whether you are up to the challenge. Contrary to what many people believe, it takes a lot of courage to run away from imminent danger. For example, imagine that you are at the crosswalk, and you spot a speeding car heading towards you. Would you yell, "To prove my courage, I will take all the time I need to comfortably cross the road?" Or, would you dive towards the sidewalk and save your life? You need enough common sense to realize that you must jump onto the sidewalk. If you tried to prove your courage by staying in the street, you would be a fool.
It is also important to recognize when it is time to move away from your comfort zone. We all feel safe in our "security chambers." However, this false sense of security could lead to seclusion. It is as though you build a fence around your independence. The self-imposed fence becomes a limitation to venture new ideas and new experiences. You are afraid to get hurt again; because of this, you become reluctant in every move you make. You never try anything new because it could lead to familiar disappointment. If you find yourself in a situation such as this, you experience the African Impala Syndrome. The African impala is known to have an innate talent of survival in the carnivore-infested savanna. It is known to jump nearly ten feet high, and to land about thirty feet from the sport where it started. It is this vertical and horizontal jumping of the impala that enables it to survive in the carnivore-infested savannas of Africa.
However, the impala has one unique limitation; it jumps only when it can see where it will land. If the impala is confined in a three-foot fence, it will not jump. Do you at times find yourself in a similar situation in life? Are you unlikely to "jump" if you cannot see where you will "land?" This is a dangerous situation to live in because if you do not let go of old habits, then you will never experience growth. You lack the faith needed to move forward.
When you hold onto unpleasant experiences, you confine yourself within the fence-the fence that becomes your mindset. Perhaps you are afraid to jump because you are afraid you may get hurt; however, unless you jump, you may never experience true joy. When you jump, you will experience either joy or pain. If you wait until you know for sure which will occur, you may never jump. Are you stuck in some unpleasant experiences? What is preventing you from jumping? You must see that once the past controls you, your life becomes a dead-end.
It helps to have an optimistic attitude and a positive approach to life. Even in the most unpleasant happenings, there is always an opportunity to see something positive and helpful. As I previously stated, in every bad or unfortunate happening, there is always an opportunity for you to learn something helpful, which would not have been possible if everything moved at an even pace. This is not possible if you have a pessimistic attitude. If you are the type of person who faults with everything and everybody, then you are bound to become a negative person. In order to counteract this, you must find the courage within yourself to maintain a positive attitude.
One way to move towards this new life is to imagine a positive solution to a negative occurrence. If you lose a job, consider the possibility that the job was low-paying, or that you were over-qualified and look for a better job. If someone has deeply hurt you, especially a loved one, you need to envision the reconciliation. You need to imagine how you would apologize, and how it would sound to hear the other person apologize. If you are diagnosed with a serious illness, you need to envision a positive outcome. When you receive treatments, in whatever form, you must believe that treatment will restore your health. This method can work during any trying situation. Positive thinking and a healthy imagination are very powerful tools. They can greatly influence any situation you may face.
The English have a saying that "a coward dies a thousand times before their death." If you obsess with negative thoughts about your inadequacies, chances are that you may never succeed. On the contrary, if you occupy your mind with positive thoughts about your strengths, then you will likely succeed. My faith has taught me that before I pray for something, I must believe I have already received it. I believe this notion is also true for you too!
(Continues...)
Excerpted from THE UNPREDICTABILITY OF LIFEby Killian Muli Copyright © 2009 by Killian Muli. Excerpted by permission.
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