Abuse in the church is real. The place where one expects to find love, inspiration, and healing can become the very place where harm and destruction occur. Sadly, pastors and church leaders can bring abuse to their people through the use of a rigid and harsh approach to leadership. Other leaders are indifferent about what happens at church. When legalism and self-righteousness dominate or permissiveness is pervasive, the church that God intended is destroyed. In Understanding Abusive Church Leadership: What It Looks Like and How It Debilitates the Life and Spirit of Church Members, author Judy R. De Wit presents a challenge to you to identify what kind of leadership your church uses. Once you determine its approach, you can determine what changes your church should make to enhance a healthier church environment-one that leads to a better church for everyone. Christ's mandate for His Church is for it to be a place of healing, restoration, and recovery. Everyone should feel safe to be a member. Understanding Abusive Church Leadership seeks to equip you to help your church to serve God as He intended.

Understanding Abusive Church Leadership

What It Looks Like and How It Debilitates the Life and Spirit of Church MembersBy Judy R. De Wit

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2012 Judy R. De Wit
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4759-2674-3

Contents

Acknowledgments.......................................................................viiNote from the Author..................................................................ixIntroduction..........................................................................xiPart I Rigid Church Leadership........................................................1Chapter 1 At the First Self-Righteous Church..........................................3Chapter 2 Rigid and Spiritually Abusive Churches......................................7Chapter 3 The Effects of Rigid and Spiritually Abusive Churches.......................17Chapter 4 Stories of Rigid and Spiritually Abusive Churches...........................25Part II Chaotic Church Leadership.....................................................37Chapter 5 At the Community Church of Chaos............................................39Chapter 6 Chaotic and Spiritually Abusive Churches....................................43Chapter 7 The Effects of Chaotic and Spiritually Abusive Churches.....................51Chapter 8 Stories of Chaotic and Spiritually Abusive Churches.........................59Part III Healthy Church Leadership....................................................65Chapter 9 At the Healthy, Spiritually Rich Church.....................................67Chapter 10 Healthy and Spiritually Rich Churches......................................71Chapter 11 The Effects of Healthy and Spiritually Rich Churches.......................81Chapter 12 Stories of Healthy and Spiritually Rich Churches...........................91Conclusion............................................................................105Chapter 13 Determining Your Church's Leadership Style.................................107References............................................................................109

Chapter One

At the First Self-Righteous Church

But do not do what they do, for they do not practice what they preach. Matt. 23:3

She was confused about faith, religion, and what church was. Her confusion about the church of her childhood fueled her desire to come to counseling to talk about all three. When asked what church she grew up in, she couldn't remember the name of it, except that she thought it should be called First Self-Righteous Church.

In that childhood church, Renee grew up believing that God was an angry God. One rule at her church was not to make God angry, for if she should, God would punish.

This punitive God made her anxious. She worried about nearly everything she did or said because she was never quite sure how God's anger worked. From the time she was young through her adult years, her anxiety grew right along with her fear of God.

Out of that anxiety grew her "what if" thinking. She was constantly fearful that if she made a mistake, God would be angry with her. And if God was angry at her, what should she do about it? Should she repent repeatedly, beat herself up, shame herself, and live in guilt for what she did? Is that what would make God happy again?

Convinced that keeping God happy was the way to go, Renee did her best to obey all the rules. And the First Self-Righteous Church had a lot of them. There were rules about dress, being nice, hardwork, gossip and slander, church attendance, headship, and how to behave in the community. There were rules about relationships, sex, dating, Sunday observance, marriage, and parenting. Anger and sadness were considered inappropriate by the people of the First Self-Righteous Church and Renee remembers being told that she should never express how she really felt about things. So whether she felt sad, scared, or angry, the rule was to tell herself she was okay and move on. It was clear to her that no member was ever supposed to have a problem at the First Self-Righteous Church.

Renee explained that the church rules were specifically defined in these ways. Members were to be friendly and outgoing, smile and laugh often, offer help to others, and have a good work ethic. Members were never to cuss, lie, or cheat. Openly, no one was ever to gossip or slander anyone, share rumors that were heard at the grocery store, or be critical of another. Young people from the First Self-Righteous Church were only to date those who belonged to their church. Sex was not an item of discussion, and drinking alcohol was prohibited. Heavy doses of shame and guilt were used if there was a teen pregnancy and public confession was required for any woman who had an affair.

There were issues regarding the leadership style of the church. The main law at the First Self-Righteous Church was simply to "do as we say." That meant that when the church leaders said something, everyone followed. Debate, discussion, or review of issues was not allowed. It was expected that members do whatever the leadership said, because they were the leaders and because they were appointed by God to serve as pastors and elders. Not only was it expected that the members would obey, but also that leadership was to be respected just because they were the leaders. And should any challenge be raised by a member, the issue and the member were quickly silenced.

The "do as we say" leadership style at the First Self-Righteous Church provided a long list of do's and don'ts for the church members. Women were never to teach a Bible study if a male was in attendance, jewelry and fine clothes were prohibited, and it was considered submissive if a woman endured abuse by an angry husband. Members were to keep strict Sunday observance. This meant that there was to be no buying or selling on Sundays, no weekly activities such as bike riding, using scissors, or watching television, and members were to attend both church services, no matter what the weather.

Church was hard, but so was home. Renee recalls many vicious fights with her brothers and her parents. Hitting, throwing things, bad language, and anger were common household events, and Renee tried to be the peacemaker in the midst of everything. Her mom drank too much, dad owned magazines that were inappropriate, and sneak-outs by her brothers were common. The conflict between what happened at church and what happened at home caused her to grow up feeling very confused about what was right and what was wrong.

That's what brought her to counseling. As tears flowed and anger surfaced, she realized that much of her depression was about the conflicting messages of her childhood. Now as an adult she couldn't sort it all out. It made no sense. How was she to act when the message from church said to do all the things the Bible said, but her family showed hostile and harsh treatment toward one another? How was she to set and use boundaries with others when she saw her dad hiding bad magazines and then flirting with women in the community? How was she to respond appropriately to alcohol and drinking when the church outlawed any drinking and her mom had bottles of alcohol hidden throughout the house? Why were there two standards of how to live?

The First Self-Righteous Church had a significant role in Renee's confused thinking. Let's look closer at how the impact and influence of this kind of church can have a devastating effect on someone like Renee—and maybe you.

Chapter Two

Rigid and Spiritually Abusive Churches

He replied, "Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you hypocrites; as it is written:

'These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men.'

You have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to the traditions of men." Matthew 7:6–8

What is spiritual abuse?

Spiritual abuse is when a pastor or other church leader uses his/her power to control and manipulate their church members while using literal interpretations of scripture to support their demands. The misrepresentation of God is also spiritually abusive.

What does spiritual abuse look like in the rigid and controlling church?

Rigid and controlling leadership is made up of leaders driven by fear. Believing that God is an angry God, rigid and controlling leaders are anxious because they fear their members will do things that make God angry. Wanting to avoid ticking God off, rigid and controlling leaders find ways to control their members. They control their members by making a long list of rules and laws and requiring their members to obey them. By doing this, it is the leaders' hope that God will be good to them.

Driven by that anxiety, they use a literal interpretation of the Bible. By taking scriptural verses out of context, they are able to manipulate the Bible to make it say what they want it to say. When they use this approach, their position of power increases, because now it looks like the Bible backs them up in their efforts to control and lead. They take a verse like "Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master" (1 Peter 3:6,) and use it to give leaders permission to be harsh with other women and their own wives. Or the verse "Rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ" (1 Peter 4:13,) is used to shut down any sad or angry feelings about things that happen in members' lives. They are to rejoice instead. Both of these are twisted interpretations of scripture, which cause leadership to have more power. This is spiritually abusive.

Drawing from these scriptural interpretations, rigid and controlling church leaders devise many rules and laws, which they expect their members to obey. Rules about dress, swearing, lying, cheating, Sunday observance, and money are obvious. Rules about sex, adultery, drinking, abuse, and assaults are unspoken. It is expected that members know both kinds of rules.

Spiritual abuse happens when church leaders falsely portray who God is and what He wants His Church to be. This misrepresentation of God causes members to think that the way their leaders conduct themselves is representative of how God is. So if their leaders become angry and punitive when members make mistakes, they learn to believe that God is like that too. This creates an unhealthy and wrong view of who God is, neglecting the truth that God is also a God of grace and mercy.

Therefore, rigid and controlling church leaders spiritually abuse their members in two main ways. They control their members by expecting their members to obey their many laws and rules. Secondly, they spiritually abuse their members when they misrepresent God by using anger, rigidity, and harshness in their leadership approach.

Church leaders spiritually abuse by using rigidity

There are several ways that rigid and controlling leaders maintain their control over their people. They use the following:

• shame

• guilt

• rigid boundaries

• appearances

• conditional love

• the church knows best

• chosen people

• don't feel

• traditions

• acceptance and approval

• entitlement

Let's look at each one more closely.

Shame

First, there is shame. Shame messages from leadership tell people that they are defective, they don't measure up, and they're not good enough. Shame says that the person is bad and that he/she won't amount to anything. Shame messages get at the personhood of someone and attacks self-worth, self-esteem, and value. Van Vonderen (1989, p. 41) defines shame as messages given to family members that they are defective and inadequate. He says that over time, these messages become ingrained into the family member and drives that person to find ways to prove he/she is good enough. This can happen in families and also in churches.

Shame is used when a church leader tells members that because they drink, they can no longer come to worship. Shame happens when a congregant is told that having a child out of wedlock means exclusion from the fellowship. It is spiritually abusive to use shame as a way to control church members.

Guilt

Guilt is used to control church members. Guilt from leadership is messages that church members are bad because of what they are or are not doing. Guilt is used to control, as when a parent says that their son won't be allowed to take over the family business because he goes to the wrong church. Control by guilt happens when a church leader tells a congregant that because he/she doesn't help out often enough at church activities, there's to be no participation in a small group. It is control by guilt if the church leader says that a member hasn't helped out enough with the care of an aging parent or the member's giving to the church is not enough. This is spiritually abusive. Understanding Abusive Church Leadership

Rigid boundaries

In the rigid church, there are rigid boundaries. This kind of boundary says that a church leader or member will step over the line in disciplining another person because they believe the person needs to be corrected. Rigid boundaries come with narrow expectations about the way things are supposed to be. This means that when a violation occurs, the rigid church leader uses his/her rigid boundaries to come after the person and chastise him or her. The church leader's feeling of entitlement to "tell someone off" comes from the belief that church leaders have special rights. Rigid people are the "know-it-alls." This approach does not respect the rights of others and is spiritually abusive.

Laaser (2004, pp. 94–95) speaks about rigidity in families. He defines family abuse as using rigid boundaries in such a way that affirming, loving, and encouraging children is withheld. This leads to emotional abandonment. This idea can also be applied to the leadership of a church family.

Appearances

Appearances are used by church leaders to control. Within a rigid and controlling church, there is a certain way to look and be. It's expected that members will act, look, and speak a certain way within the church and the community. If there isn't compliance with that expectation, church leaders will sometimes subtly and sometimes openly pressure the member to make changes. When skirts are too short, when hair is not appropriate, or when a member exhibits an "inappropriate" attitude, church leaders and others will either shun the member back to obedience or they will confront the wrongdoer until compliance is shown. Appearance is important for this kind of faith community. This is spiritually abusive.

Conditional love

Conditional love is used in spiritually abusive churches. Conditional love is love shown to others based on what they do. Church members only receive love and acceptance from leadership when they obey the rules, follow the leaders of the church, and do what they are told. Conditional love is based on conditions. Love is withheld when someone messes up. Praise and affirmation are awarded when a person carries through on what is to be done. Love is not free; it is earned.

The church knows best

Spiritually abusive church leaders tell members how to think and what to do. Should anyone present a point of view that is not in compliance with the leaders' approach or the church's teaching, church leaders are quick to correct that wrong thinking and bring the member back to where the church stands on the issue. Should a member be doing something that shows a contradiction to a stand the church takes, leaders quickly summon the member and tell the person to stop, for there is only one way to do things and that is the way the church has done it for years. There is neither time nor room to discuss issues or share other viewpoints. Outsiders may view this micromanaging as intrusive and invasive, but for members, it is viewed as "the church knows best."

Chosen people

Spiritually abusive churches convince their members that they are the only ones who are saved. Using 1 Peter 2:9, "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood," they convince their members that they are the only ones who are going to heaven. All other churches are wrong. Their church is the only right church. This controlling approach prevents its members from leaving the church because they'll go to hell if they do.

Don't feel

Spiritually abusive churches have little time for feelings. They believe that members should not devote time to feeling the harm or hurt that comes into their lives. There is little time for grieving the loss of a loved one, for feeling sad when a marriage breaks up, or for feeling upset when there is a wayward child. Anger and fears are to be ignored and denied, for life is too short to be fussing with feelings. Along with this is the fear of having feelings. Rigid leaders and members shut down their own feelings when they surface because it makes them feel weak. Being vulnerable may lead to an experience that is unknown to them. That would be scary and is therefore avoided.

Laaser (2004, p. 97) says family abuse happens when "a person is not allowed to have his or her feelings." He calls this a kind of "mind rape" and says that when churches engage in this behavior with their members, it becomes "religious mind rape." He stresses the importance of allowing feelings to be felt so that people's emotional stages, such as grieving the loss of a loved one, can happen.

Traditions

"This is the way it's always been done" is what spiritually abusive churches say. What they fear is change. Change does not comply with how their forefathers did things and change may break the rules. Breaking the rules is bad. Doing things differently is bad. Fears of change are grounded in the possibility that leadership will lose control and then what will happen to the church? Spiritually abusive leadership fears change.

Acceptance and approval issues

Everyone wants to be accepted and liked by others. In the rigid and controlling church, acceptance from leadership and pew members is paramount to living in the faith community. Approval from others within the church and getting the acceptance from fellow members is the lifeline for survival in the rigid church. Members are devastated if they are shunned by the fellowship or are excluded in some way. For them, isolation and alienation from the church community is nearly impossible to bear. This is spiritually abusive.

Entitlement

Rigid and controlling church leaders feel they are entitled, or have "rights," to treat members as they wish. They believe they are special. They believe they are given power that has little to no accountability or responsibility. They believe they can do things to their members because they are entitled to it. This entitlement allows them to fire church personnel without reason, to say and do things that are harsh, unreasonable, and demeaning, and to use anger to accomplish what they want.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Understanding Abusive Church Leadershipby Judy R. De Wit Copyright © 2012 by Judy R. De Wit. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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