CHAPTER 1
WHERE DO WE BEGIN?
When changing a paradigm that has been a part of our natural experience, we must first look at the big picture, and explore some misconceptions we may be unconsciously holding on to.
We live in a world where we punish those who do what we deem "wrong," reward or ignore those who we think are "right," and feel pity for (or empathize with) those we identify as victims.
At the same time, most of us don't want to be labeled as wrong. Nor do we want to be labeled the victim. Being labeled the one that is right is appealing, but we know that can't last forever, so when we make a mistake, we blame (even if you blame yourself, it is still blame), we make excuses, or we say we were wronged by something or someone. We even blame our humanness by saying, "I'm only human!"
Thankfully, there is a way out of this whirlwind of opposites—bully/victim; right/wrong; fear/love; etc. The way out is through a paradigm shift, a middle-of-the-road ride that cultivates vulnerability or openheartedness and allows you to see magnificence in the face of the opposite. Magnificence is expressing yourself from your core values.
Magnificence and its expression are so much more than that feeling you get when things turn out the way you want them to. Magnificence is also so much more than that moment of experiencing your greatness, although that is magnificent too. Magnificence is that moment when you feel afraid while saying or doing something that you know is in your best interest. Magnificence is that moment you feel angry and don't hurt someone but instead treat him or her with firm kindness. Magnificence is also when you feel hurt and you allow yourself to feel your feelings from your tender heart rather than only tell someone how he or she hurt you. So when you experience humility in the face of magnificence, you are allowing yourself to overcome arrogance. These are lofty goals requiring commitment, dedication, and a lot of practice.
I have three sons. In their younger years, they experienced themselves and each other as bullies and victims. Now as young men, they are honest with each other and immensely loving toward one another. The process of moving them from the bully/ victim paradigm took a lot of practice! It began by teaching them that although they may feel like a victim or may be perceived as a bully, that was simply not the truth. The truth is that as loving, thinking human beings, they were far more than these false labels—in this case, bullies and victims. Feeling like victims and acting like bullies was simply an opportunity to learn how to cooperate better and identify what was in the way of expressing their magnificence. Operating like a bully or a victim was not judged as right or wrong; however, it was very clear that nobody felt good about himself or herself as long as he or she was living with these labels. So every time a fight broke out, all of us had the opportunity to reflect, look at what could be learned about ourselves and each other, and then commit to operating differently. We are a "regular" family, so sometimes we did this well and sometimes we didn't!
This way of life requires commitment. And sometimes I wavered in my level of commitment by defining my sons by their ineffective behavior. So I worked hard to develop a deep understanding of discipline as defined by James Hunter in his book The Servant, in which he describes discipline as guiding yourself or someone else through a regimen that improves a skill. Discipline was essential and a bridge to staying committed to helping me and my family discover and express our magnificence. This meant I needed the discipline to hold myself accountable to my stated goals with firm and loving kindness.
What does all of this mean? It means that I can be a bully, and I can be a victim. I have been the bully before, and I have been the victim. It can be painful to face how we harm others and ourselves when acting like a bully or a victim. This pain usually shows up in the form of fear. Examples may be the fear of being seen as vulnerable or hurting, the fear of being seen as weak, the fear of being seen as mean or hurtful, and many other fears. When fears are not faced—when magnificence is not sought—we resort to being a bully or a victim. We must learn to refrain from acting on aggression—the aggression as a bully or the passive aggression as a victim. This book will offer many different applicable tools for this learning.
The basis of our fears can be summarized in four areas: the fear of not belonging, the fear of being powerless, the fear of not being loved or loveable, and the fear of not being valuable. Most people have limiting beliefs that can be interpreted to meet one of those fears. It is also vitally important to note that these fears are simply limits and are rarely true. This is a key moment in your life because with assistance, your limits can be assessed and moved through, thereby revealing truth and magnificence for you in your life.
Knowing magnificence means there is no need to be a bully or victim and no need to perceive anyone as a bully or victim. Furthermore, there is no judgment on and no justification for acting like a bully or a victim. To cast no judgment, you must suspend your judgment of the person. Separate the deed from the doer. No justification and no judgment equal compassion. This way of being and operating is called letting go—cultivating vulnerability (openheartedness), relinquishing control, and at the same time being in charge of one's own destiny (character).
Now in my fifties, I'm riding the middle-of-the-road vulnerability while bouncing off the walls of arrogance and shame. Comfortable? Not so much! Alive? Yes! Alert? Yes! This is the way to live a life to the fullest, experiencing a different viewpoint of the way our world can work. This is the only place where the paradigm you are currently operating from can shift!
Let's go back to my three sons because I would like to share the story of the time that the bullying and victimhood ended and the "looking inside" paid off with a paradigm shift that has lasted to this day. Their names have been changed to preserve their privacy.
I was having dinner at a friend's house. All three boys were hanging out at home together. They didn't get to do this very often, as they were still young, yet they loved the freedom of being by themselves for a few hours. Let me introduce John, Mark, and Tom.
I was gone for about one and a half hours when I received a phone call from John. I could hear a lot of chaos in the background, and John was frantic. He was very difficult to understand, but thank goodness for my upbringing and my ability to remain calm in the face of a storm. He frantically shared that a fight had broken out. Mark was waving sharp knives and threatening John and Tom while chasing them around the house. John was outside and was frightened because Tom was still inside with Mark. John was convinced that Mark intended to act on his threats. My advice was to stay outside and, most importantly, no more fighting. And if he was that afraid, he should go to the neighbor's house. I said goodbye to my friends and headed home. I was initially disappointed and annoyed that I was having to cut a fun evening short. I also realized quickly that that attitude would not serve them, the situation, or me.
I knew my ride home would need to be used wisely because there would be a lot of blaming when I got home. I reflected on each one of the boys, remembering how much I love and appreciate them. I focused on their strengths and remembered the times when they enjoyed each other. It is true that I had to resist the urge to hang on to the resentment I felt around their role in ruining my night with my friends!
When I arrived home, John and Tom were in the living room, watching a movie. Mark was in his bedroom. I called Mark to join the rest of us in the living room and turned off the television. I announced that we would be talking and working through this issue. I also stated that we would stay with this as long as it took because I felt it was time for us to "hang in there" together and they were now old enough; they knew enough to make stronger commitments to each other. I took the rolling eyes and heavy sighs as a good sign because it meant they were taking me seriously!
I began by stating the rules. I told them they would each get a turn to share their side of the story, and when sharing, there would be no cross talking or defending from anyone else. This was my chance to listen deeply.
Each of them shared. I found their stories interesting because none of them were taking responsibility. Most of the blame was being placed on the bully in the situation, Mark, who was justifying his behavior by saying he was being bullied by John and Tom.
Now, as you are reading this, you may be remembering fights you've witnessed or have engaged in. Also, note that this is a smaller scale conversation that customarily happens during street fights, gang wars, police standoffs, religious wars, and world wars. You see, I noticed the same thing, and it brought tears to my eyes.
John asked me why I was crying. I explained what I was realizing. My tears increased as I told them how sad this was making me feel because I knew how much they loved each other. I described how they have to close off their hearts as well as suspend their love for each other in order to express so much anger toward one another and how scared they must be to resort to behavior unlike their true nature. As I finished sharing, all three of them had tears in their eyes and were visibly shaken. It was as if a light bulb had turned on and their hearts opened to the truth of the situation from a more expanded view.
I asked Tom what he was feeling. By the way, I asked him first because he was showing the most emotion. He shared vulnerably and admitted how scared he was of Mark and how scared he gets all the time when Mark gets mad at him. He then revealed how he understands why Mark gets mad because he (Tom) is mean to him, makes fun of him, and then gets John to join in. I get tears in my eyes now when remembering this precious moment. Tom's sharing opened up a whole new level of relating for the three of them. It allowed Mark and John to connect with their feelings on a deeper level, feel safe expressing their feelings, and acknowledge their responsibility for starting and fueling the fight.
After I knew they all felt they had been heard, I asked each of them how they felt. The consensus was "much better!" I then asked what each of them wanted. Tom started and looked directly at his brothers and said, "I want us to stop being so mean to each other." I loved this because the reality was that they would most likely "fight" again, yet they did not have to be mean to each other even though they may disagree. John and Mark agreed that they wanted the same thing. I then asked them to verbally commit to each other to no longer be mean to one another. They did this by looking each other in the eyes, addressing each other by name, and stating their commitment to not being mean. Everyone hugged and we went out for ice cream to be together as a family!
Since the commitment was made, it set the stage to remind each other in the future of the commitment if it was ever broken (and it was). However, they were kinder to each other, worked through disagreements quicker, and were more compassionate.
I hope you enjoy reading It's Time to Look Inside, and remember that through the process of discovery, honoring yourself and others, and expressing your magnificence, you will be able to treat others and yourself with more compassion, and see others and yourself as brilliant. This is the richness the world—and you—deserve to experience.
CHAPTER 2
THE DEFINITIONS
Who is the bully? What is a victim? Here I'll explore each role, and develop a cohesive definition to use as a reference point throughout the book. I will also illustrate what is meant by "looking inside." Remember: We operate as a bully or a victim as long as we view someone else as a bully or a victim.
Bully – a person who likes to hurt or intimidate those weaker than himself, to coerce by threats, to intimidate (Webster's Dictionary definition).
Victim – a person injured or killed by circumstances or people who are beyond his control (Webster's Dictionary definition).
It's easy to see with these definitions that I would certainly rather be a victim than a bully, and I prefer neither! How about you? Incidentally, I disagree with both definitions because the bully is automatically the assumed "bad" person because they "like to hurt or intimidate," and the victim is not in control!
I do believe the bully is threatening, hurtful, and intimidating. I do believe the victim is injured or killed by circumstances or others. But I also believe that the bully does not necessarily like to threaten, hurt, or intimidate, and the victim is not necessarily out of control, even though it may feel that way. In both definitions (and remember we are talking about people here) there is nothing empowering. The bully is not empowered to feel differently or see things differently because the assumption is that he/she likes it. The victim is not empowered to change their circumstances because they are out of their control.
Empowerment comes from feeling, knowing, and experiencing the responsibility of creating what one truly desires. A bully would only desire to threaten, hurt, or intimidate if they believe there are no other options. A victim would be resigned to maintaining a victim status if they believed there was no way to be in control of the circumstance.
Whatever we buy into (bully or victim mindset) we practice. If you believe the kid at school was a bully to another kid, you have no other choice but to practice and operate from the bully/victim mindset paradigm. Yet, if you believe the kid at school was only acting mean because he is not in service to his/her magnificence, then you practice and operate beyond that paradigm. I suggest the latter!
Before I go further on this topic, let's understand what I mean by "look inside." To look inside means to discover your beliefs, your thoughts, and your feelings. To look inside means you will discover and acknowledge how you want to be treated, how you want people to see you, and how you want to treat others. To look inside means you will go on a journey to discover the gap between what you say you want and what you actually get and who you say you want to be and who you actually express yourself to be. To look inside means to acknowledge to yourself that we all have the capacity to change, and the only effective way to change is to look inside.
Each one of us has resorted to bullying before. It is painful to face how we harm others and ourselves when acting like a bully. Yet, to look inside will help you see yourself in the bully role and enable you to understand why others react the way they do. It doesn't mean you condone it—it means that you become the equal that can approach the bully with compassion rather than approaching the bully as a bully.
Each one of us has felt like the victim before. In those moments we feel powerless. Since no one enjoys or would actually decide to feel powerless, looking inside will help you discover a new way to be responsible beyond your perceived limits.
Each time you respond to someone by thinking it's their fault you feel the way you feel, you are placing yourself in the position of the bully/victim paradigm. You are being a bully when you are blaming and a victim by declaring that someone else is making you feel a certain way. This is a new and empowering way of looking at things, and from this new perspective you can begin to make the necessary paradigm shift. That shift can occur only when you are compassionate enough with yourself to take an honest look inside. By looking inside you may uncover and unravel things that will be initially unpleasant, yet freedom awaits—the freedom of your brilliance, your innate magnificence—which is difficult to see in yourself or others when you are engaged in validating the belief that you or others are bullies and/or victims.
On a family vacation we were watching some videos on my sister's camera of her young children (there were about fifteen people in the room). Brian, who was six years old, was so cute in the video, and we were all laughing. Suddenly, Brian ran into the room extremely upset that we were "laughing at" him. He immediately ran up to his Mom and started hitting her. I was sitting next to her. It was a perfect display of the moment when we decide we are a victim and instantly become a bully. What happened next was even more perfect. His mom gently and firmly picked him up and took him in the other room. She did this without yelling at him or acting hurt by his behavior. When they came out of the bedroom about five minutes later, she was holding him, and he was smiling. They sat back down and I asked her what she did. She held him until he calmed down and then simply explained to him that our laughter was because of how much we were enjoying him, and he just misunderstood us. She explained until he completely understood, then he apologized for hitting her and hugged her.
