Is grief overshadowing your ability to live your life? The death of a loved one can be one of the most challenging things we'll ever have to deal with. Our whole world is ripped apart, and we are left floundering as waves of overwhelming emotions wash over us. Through a combination of personal stories and empathetic advice, certified professional coach Tabitha Jayne, CPC, ACC reveals how you can not merely survive after the death of a loved one but transform your grief, live fully and thrive. Learn to use the Tree of Transformation®, the five-step process that enables you to let go of the pain of loss forever. As you do, you'll discover how to: create and maintain the necessary supportive roots to allow you to transform grief; express and release your emotions; understand who you are now after loss, as well as who you want to be; reconnect to your loved one and yourself; see the gifts and growth that can come from loss; identify the beliefs that stop you from letting go of pain; create the necessary steps to maintain your grief transformation; use the power of nature to deepen your experience.

Thriving Loss

Move beyond grief to a place of peace, passion and purposeBy TABITHA JAYNE

BALBOA PRESS

Copyright © 2011 Tabitha Jayne
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-4346-8

Contents

Introduction......................................................................................xiChapter 1: Getting to Grips with Grief............................................................1Chapter 2: The Tree of Transformation.............................................................18Chapter 3: The Roots—Creating Space for Grief to Flow.......................................29Chapter 4: The Trunk—Feeling the Flow of Grief..............................................46Chapter 5: The Branches—Knowing Who You Want to Be After Loss...............................70Chapter 6: The Leaves—Cultivating the Relationship withYour Loved One.......................87Chapter 7: The Fruit—Finding the Good in Loss...............................................107Chapter 8: Maintenance—Caring forYour Tree of Transformation................................125Chapter 9: The Biggest Challenge—UnderstandingYour Story....................................135Chapter 10: DeepeningYour Experience—The Transformative Power of Nature.....................153Chapter 11: Moving Forward—PlantYour Tree Now...............................................171Recommended Resources.............................................................................177About Tabitha Jayne...............................................................................179Acknowledgements..................................................................................181Pay It Forward....................................................................................183Biographies of the Thrivors Whose Stories Appear in Thriving Loss.................................185

Chapter One

Getting to Grips with Grief

"We bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world—the company of those who have known suffering. When it seems that our sorrows are too great to be borne, let us think of the great family of the heavy hearted into which our grieving has given us entrance, and inevitably we feel about us their arms, their sympathy, their understanding." —Helen Keller

I was twenty-two when my brother died. I was at a party, high on cocaine, ecstasy, and alcohol when I got a phone call from my grandmother.

She told me that my brother's car had crashed, killing him instantly.

The drugs had numbed all of my emotions and all I could do was sit there blankly. The world seemed vacant, strange, and dream-like. People were shocked; some didn't know what to say while others came to say how sorry they were.

As I left the party that morning to meet my mum who was on her way back from identifying his body all I remember was that the sun shone brightly without a cloud in the sky. Delicate pink flower petals bloomed on every tree, carpeting the ground in swirls. It seemed so wrong. Dark clouds and rain would have been far more appropriate.

In retrospect, I was not emotionally equipped to handle this type of trauma, which even for a strong young woman would have been difficult.

My vulnerability had its roots deep in my childhood.

As a little girl I had loved running with the feel of the wind around my face and my hair flying behind me. I felt free. Yet when a thoughtless kid made a comment judging my appearance, I stopped running. What the kid said ate into my already low self-confidence created by growing up in an abusive household. I felt ashamed to be me.

Other kids started teasing me until I dreaded going to school and all I could do was pretend that every horrible word said wasn't affecting me. I became very self-conscious and found it very difficult to speak to people.

The comments and taunts followed me wherever I went. New schools offered new chances but I'd hear the same comments and experience the same feelings of isolation and exclusion.

High school was hell. Like everyone else, I just wanted to be liked and to fit in.

When I was sixteen I discovered drugs and alcohol. I thought it would be a way to be accepted. It didn't work like that. But what did happen was that the pain inside went away for a while and life didn't seem that bad.

Over the years I found refuge in my room where I would spend hours reading book after book, dreaming of foreign countries and hoping that someday, someone would find me beautiful. I also found solace in nature. Alone, with the sun on my face and the wind in my hair I could run freely, without judgment. I could open myself up and just be.

I had become so used to the taunts that I just accepted them. What was even worse was I believed them. Yet despite all this, there was a part of me that would get up every morning and look in the mirror desperately trying to find something pretty in my face. Some days I'd find it, but others days I'd feel hopeless. The drugs masked all of this.

In the weeks following my brother's death I kept myself busy. I contacted the magazine that had organized the event my brother had attended the night he died. They put up a tribute page on the Internet which was so popular they decided to print it in the actual magazine. I helped my mum prepare his funeral and organized a party for my brother's friends to celebrate his life. I read poems and prayers to find the right words I wanted to say at the funeral.

The whole time I felt my brother close to me, like he hadn't really gone. It was very surreal. I didn't cry. I didn't really feel that sad and wondered why other people were so upset and crying. I couldn't relate to that.

After my brother's funeral, I spent some time back at the family home where I was drawn to the beauty and splendor of the surrounding nature. I spent hours staring at the sky and the trees, and going for walks in the nearby wood. I began to realize that I'd been wasting my life. I'd been scared to live it properly and was hiding from both my problems and the opportunity to really live. I understood I wanted to help others and to do something worthwhile with my life. This was my wake up call to life. It was my challenge to live. And only then did my emotions flow.

Not only was I grieving my brother but as I went back into my past to find memories of him, all the pain and suffering I'd blocked out as a child tumbled forth.

It was overwhelming. I couldn't think about anything else.

I wanted to do something worthwhile with my life but I was drowning in the self-destructive behaviors that kept me taking drugs, drinking and self-harming. While my behavior was becoming more and more erratic, my thoughts were more and more disordered. I know people thought I was crazy.

Hell, I thought I was crazy.

One night, seven months after my brother's death, I was again back at home and was desperately trying to explain how I felt to my mum. I could feel the anger and frustration rising amidst the confusion. I couldn't find the words to describe how I felt. Grabbing scissors I started hacking off my long hair in an attempt to show how I was feeling. I didn't stop until I had cut it all off.

This was my darkest hour but also my turning point. It made me realize that I couldn't continue like this. Not only was I destroying myself and my family but I was dishonoring my brother. The next day I put myself in a psychiatric hospital. If I really was crazy, then that was the best place for me.

I was only there for three days. The doctors didn't think I was crazy and this helped me believe that I didn't need hospitalization. It was such a relief and it filled me with a sense of hope.

I went headfirst into my grief and came out the other side stronger than ever. I'd been worried that I was losing my hold on reality but instead I was creating greater awareness of myself and the meaning of life.

By turning and facing everything I was afraid of—as I embraced it and loved it—it transformed into the source of my strength, power and inspiration.

As I continued to release everything I'd been holding onto I began to feel lighter and more inspired. I spent more time in nature and from there I decided to set up a charity for young adults affected by bereavement so that I could help others who had been in a similar situation. I called it Pedro Project after my brother.

The more ideas that came to me about this, the more motivated and energized I became. Suddenly I had something more important to do than get high all the time.

Throughout the six years the charity ran it provided a website with online support and one-to-one support in Edinburgh as well as drop-in sessions. At its strongest, the website was receiving 2,500 hits per month. I was a finalist in the Everywoman 2004 awards that recognized inspiring woman in business and among the top ten finalists in Cosmopolitan magazine's Fun, Fearless Females Awards 2006.

Every step of success made me happy that I could do something worthwhile and that I could make a difference. Of course I could still hear the negative voice in my head that would tell me that I was a fraud and it would only be a matter of time until other people saw this too. Yet with every piece of positive feedback I could feel the negative voice becoming a little bit weaker. Here I was being me, and people were supporting this. It was such a different experience from childhood.

Yet something was still missing from my life. True peace eluded me and I wasn't satisfied. I thought back to those times in childhood when I'd dreamed of foreign countries and different languages.

A few years ago I had an opportunity to travel to Spain. All I had to do was pay the flight and talk to Spanish people for five days to help improve their English.

My brother's nickname had been Pedro. I took this as a sign that my brother was encouraging me to do this.

Those ten days in Spain changed my life. I loved meeting people and connecting with them in a positive way. We'd go for walks in the country, practicing English, and as their own confidence in English grew so did my confidence in myself.

The natural environment of the North of Spain, known as "Green Spain," was breathtaking. I was surrounded by vibrant green everywhere I looked and the hot sun heated me right down to my bones. I felt alive in a way I'd never felt alive before. I had fallen in love with the country, the language, and the people and I knew I wanted to return and live there.

Initially I enjoyed teaching English to Spanish people. I enjoyed learning Spanish. It was a time of great personal growth and I discovered more and more about me that I never truly knew. Every step of the way I felt my brother with me.

Yet after a time I grew restless. I knew I needed to return to what I felt was my true passion and purposehelping people affected by loss move beyond their grief to a place of peace, passion and purpose.

And in doing so I came full circle and returned to Scotland.

The Power of the Internet

Death is seen is as something negative and as something we should be afraid of. Yet it was the opposite for me. Death gave me the opportunity to value my live. It gave me the courage to change. It made me realize that I was worth something, that I could make a difference. It made my life better. It made me life fully.

Now, sharing this with others has never been easier. The Internet has revolutionized everything, including bereavement. With a few clicks and the power of Google we can now access thousands of articles quickly and easily from the comfort of our own home.

In the nine years since my brother died I have watched the number of articles increase hugely. What is even more phenomenal is that the number of organizations offering support to the bereaved has dramatically increased also.

We are really able to see that we, the bereaved, are not alone. We can communicate with those who share similar experiences of loss. As we do so we find support and inspiration that gives us hope.

Dr Gloria Horsley, co-founder of the online bereavement support OpentoHope.com, which receives around 25,000 hits every month, points out that the Internet makes it even easier to connect and share with someone with a similar loss experience. Not only can you connect with other people but you can also be of service to each other. As you move through your own grief you can support and encourage others.

Think about these questions:

• How has the Internet supported you after the death of your loved one?

• How can you gain additional support to thrive loss through the Internet?

Culture Shapes Grief

Another benefit to the Internet is that we can access and understand cultural differences regarding grief. Whilst loss is universal, across different cultures the manner in which we respond varies considerably. The society in which we grow up in shapes our understanding of and response to the loss of a loved one.

British and American societies share a similar attitude towards grief and loss. We believe that we should get back to normal as soon as possible. We talk about keeping a "stiff upper lip" in public, and as a result we push grief away from us.

John James, founder of the Grief Recovery Institute, says that there are six main myths that keep us from effectively expressing our loss. These are so deeply ingrained within our culture that our family and friends can unwittingly support these myths. We are told not to feel bad, that we can replace our loss, and if we need to grieve we should grieve alone. Time is all we need to feel better and we have to stay strong for others and keep ourselves busy.

In contrast, many other cultures have customs that differ greatly from this. In Mexico and some parts of South America, for example, there exists the "Day of the Dead." Once a year it's believed that deceased loved ones return to visit. This allows those left behind the opportunity to take action. After all, it's action that heals, not time. Altars are made in honor of lost loved ones. Graveyards are cleaned and decorated and all-night vigils take place there. It's a time of slowing down, acknowledging loss and grieving together but above all celebrating life.

In British and American English we use the word "grief" to explain the emotions we experience after the loss of a loved one. As I tried to explain my interest in the field of grief and loss to my Spanish friends I found there was no direct translation of the word "grief." The Spanish language uses the word "pain" instead.

George Bonanno in his book The Other Side of Sadness highlights that there is no word for "grief" in the Chinese language either. The closest words were ones that were attributed to feeling depressed or dejected.

So what does this have to do with how we grieve in Western English-speaking societies? Well, if we look to the origin of the word "grieve" we find that its Latin root meant "to burden" and that it was a derivative of the word "heavy" which we still sometimes use as "grave."

"To grieve" the loss of a loved one then really means "to burden ourselves" with the loss of a loved one. This implies that it's our choice as to how much we grieve the loss of our loved ones.

At first this seemed controversial to me. Yet when I thought about it further it made sense. We do have a choice. We can choose to ignore the pain or acknowledge the pain. We can choose whether to stay in the pain or to move through the pain. From this perspective we can then empower ourselves as we deal with the death of a loved one.

Think about these questions:

• What cultural beliefs have influenced the way you view the death of your loved one?

• In what ways have you burdened yourself with grief?

It's In the Meaning We Make

Grief then becomes the way in which we make meaning from our loss. For the past twenty years Dr Robert Neimeyer has worked on raising awareness of grief as a meaning-making process. When I interviewed him for this book he explained that there are two main areas in which we need to gain meaning: how the loved one died and how we continue the relationship with them now they are dead.

As we integrate how they died into our life we need to consider questions regarding practicality, human intention, and spirituality. We may ask, "Why did this death happen?" or "How do I live in a world without my loved one?"

Depending on the how your loved one died these questions may upset but not totally undermine existing belief structures. With their death we have to question our assumptions that we have about life and death. Many factors will influence this process including culture, spirituality and religion.

In the second area we look at how to reconstruct a new connection and relationship with our loved ones from beyond the grave. This can include rituals (formal or otherwise), how we speak about them now that they are not here, and how we manage special occasions without them. We need to find a way to continue on without feeling that we lost our lives also when our loved one died.

These are precisely the questions I unwittingly set out to answer when my brother died and it's the answers I've found to these questions that continue to support me today and allow me to thrive loss. As you read the other stories in this book you'll find that all of them have created meaning from their loss and found a way to continue the relationship with their loved one too.

It's in the answering of these questions that peace can be found. The answers help in truly accepting the loss of a loved one and providing strength and inspiration to continue on. It's important to note that there are no right or wrong answers to these questions. What makes sense for me may not necessarily make sense for you. Yet what you will notice is that there are similarities between all the stories I'm sharing with you.

Grappling with these questions can take some people years, if not a lifetime. Reading stories of people who are thriving loss already will help you in your meaning making process.

If Marjorie, Jefri, Michelle, Veronika, and Kristen can find meaning after the loss of their children, then perhaps you can too.

If Colleen, Edie, Kristen and Jean can find meaning after the deaths of their husbands, then so can you.

If Christine, Anne, Carrie, Marci, Michele and Lisa can find meaning after the death of a parent, then so can you.

If Jules, Deb and Kathleen can find meaning after the death of a friend, then so can you.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Thriving Lossby TABITHA JAYNE Copyright © 2011 by Tabitha Jayne. Excerpted by permission of BALBOA PRESS. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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