During one of his many failed job interviews, Travis Hanson panics after the employer asks him, "Tell me a little bit about yourself", and ends up answering the question by telling his entire life story. From being kidnapped at age three, through being abused on different occasions, through being homeless for a year, through incessant social awkwardness, to learning how to deal with it all without the aid of any therapy, drugs or alcohol. He reveals every significant event, both good and bad, that has made him who he is today and is shockingly open and honest about telling all of this to a complete stranger. Life is full of ups and downs, that's just life. And whether we view them as positive or negative, events happen in our lives only when we are ready for them to happen and not a second sooner. It's not all about what happens to us, it's about how we react to those events that matters the most

"Tell Me A Little Bit About Yourself"

By Travis Hanson

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2012 Travis Hanson
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4685-3660-7

Contents

1......................12......................113......................204......................295......................366......................387......................558......................789......................8910.....................10311.....................11912.....................12913.....................14214.....................16015.....................17116.....................191

Chapter One

JOB INTERVIEWS SUCK. All of them. Even the ones that went well enough for me to land that sought after job that made me feel like a prostitute because I got paid to do stuff I didn't want to do and had to be friendly to people I didn't like. Those sucked too.

It's the whole process that makes me want to spit up. From the desperation, to the nervousness, to the forced conversations with a tool of a manager, to the anxiety of not knowing if you made a good enough first impression to get the job you really didn't want but need. I have been on a lot of interviews in my life and they all have been the same and have had those same ingredients. The last one I went on was no different and was just how I remembered them all to be.

First off, I already feel like a piece of feces because I haven't had anything to do in who knows how long, I have no money, no confidence, and everyone is constantly asking in a condescending way if I have found a job yet, like it's something I can just go pick up off the shelf at WalMart. On top of that, the hopelessness is starting to settle in because after spending the last couple of weeks walking into every restaurant, clothing store, office building, and any other building that would let me in, asking if they were hiring, I keep getting the same answer followed by, "We are always accepting applications though if you would like to fill one out." So I have filled out at least fifty seven of those damn things by now and turned my entire life history in for complete strangers to read, and still not one call.

I don't know what else to do at this point, it seems I have applied everywhere, so I decide to take a few days "off " from job hunting and regroup.

Neither the phone has rang nor has my butt left the couch in about three days now and I'm really starting to worry about myself and then one day I get woken up at the crack of noon by a phone call from the Abercrombie store informing me they are hiring a new shirt folder and they would like me to come in for an interview. My first instinct is to not show up because folding shirts for a living would almost be as bad as not doing anything for a living, but the whore in me comes out and thinks about the regular paycheck and I tell myself how it can't be that bad. So after arguing with myself for an hour and a half, I decide to put my pride aside and go meet this over enthusiastic manager named Todd who is really looking forward to meeting me.

So I get into the shower and try to scrub all the laying around on the couch watching decade old reruns of sitcoms funk off of me, shave the three day old stubble and Cheeto residue off my face, slap some Febreze on, and put on my least wrinkled button up shirt and the khakis I once wore to a wedding. I'm already feeling better about myself because I am wearing grown up clothes and have somewhere to be at a certain time and that's exciting. But as soon as I have managed to dress myself to the best of my abilities, I start panicking. I have to rehearse what I am going to say and how I am going to answer the in depth interview questions like, "Why should we hire you?" and "What is your definition of a team player?" and "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I don't want my answers to sound rehearsed but I do want to be able to talk myself up without sounding cocky or fake, so it's a delicate blend.

But the question that makes me panic the most though isn't even really a question. It's a 'put you on the spot so much that you have no idea how to respond' demand: "Tell me a little bit about yourself." I never know how to answer that. What do they want to know? I know they are looking more at how I answer it than what I actually say, but where do I begin? At the beginning or do I just tell them how much of a go getter I am and how much I like those little chocolate donuts from the grocery store? Do I keep it strictly work related or do I reveal some of my darkest secrets? What is appropriate to tell a complete stranger? In the past I have pretty much kept it short and sweet, probably too short because after I have stopped talking, they just stare at me waiting to see if that's all there really is to me. That has never really worked out too well for me so I think maybe I should change my tactics this time.

I still have some time before I have to be there, but I go fire up the car anyway because I'm getting antsy. If I'm early it will just give me more time to calm myself down and get familiar with the surroundings. The closer I get to the interview, the more nervous I get and the baby blue shirt I'm wearing doesn't seem like such a good idea anymore because the dark blue sweat stains in my pits are growing by the second and they are impossible to hide. I crank the air conditioning up and the stereo down because I am almost there and for some reason I can't find where I'm going with the stereo on. The parking lot is empty but I find a parking spot about a half mile away from the entrance and sit in my car. I still have like forty five minutes before I have to go get interrogated, so I might as well go over my spontaneous answers again.

By now I have rehearsed my answers so much that they just sound stupid, so I decide to just wing it and I didn't want this stupid job anyway, and this will just be a practice interview for the next one I get. As I am sitting there in my car over thinking everything and looking at my watch every seventeen seconds, I start to feel that knot in my stomach forming and the nervous gas starts kicking in. Those nervous farts are impossible to control, but I have to try to get a handle on them, so I take one last look at myself in the rear view mirror to check for things hanging out of my nose, and get out of my car and try to walk the farts off. As I am walking and farting, I notice the first impression I am about to make. My baby blue shirt is now dark blue on both sides from my pits down to my belt from being soaking wet, my mouth is so dry from nerves I doubt I will be able to pronounce my name, my hands are profusely sweating even though they feel like I have kept them in the freezer for the last two hours, and my nervous farts are almost non stop, like my butt is trying to blow out a trick candle. Who wouldn't want to hire this?

So I get to the front door, take one last deep breath, and go to push the door open even though the sign says pull. Perfect. After I figure out how to open a door correctly, I am greeted by a very cute, outgoing young lady wearing Capri's who would like to know how she can help me. I muster up enough spit to ask for the manager and tell her I am here for an interview and I notice the instant change in attitude from her. She is now better than me. One more ego boost for me before I have to go talk myself up to some qualified stranger who will then decide if I am good enough to be part of their team and fold shirts for six dollars an hour. She goes to the back to get the manager and it seems to take forever. I know they aren't doing anything back there except talking about me and peeking around the corner at me so they can come out right as I am touching something I shouldn't be touching, but I wait patiently and awkwardly.

The young lady comes back out and tells me in a way that sounds like I have completely ruined her day, that Todd will be right out. She doesn't even look at me as she walks back to the register and gets back to her texting, so I just stand there feeling the material of the shirt on display in front of me pretending I don't notice the awkward silence. All of a sudden I hear my name and turn around to see this guy headed towards me at an incredibly quick pace. He is wearing black slacks and a khaki colored Abercrombie button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up. He seems to have missed a few of the top buttons though so you can see his unearned dog tags and his shoes are blindingly shiny and kind of pointy like exaggerated cowboy boots. His over the top enthusiasm is really projected through his wide eyes, giant smile, and pep in his step. He is overcompensating for something and has a special hair-do to prove it. This guy's name has got to be Todd.

"Hi I'm Todd, I'm the manager here. Good to meet you bro" as he crushes my hand and tells me to follow him back to his office so we can "chat". The smell of cologne in his office makes me want to gag and so does the thought of him becoming my boss. His office is decorated with all kinds of motivational posters and all of the pictures on his desk are of him being sporty. There are also stacks of paperwork all over which leads him into making some stupid joke about how messy his office is and I laugh really loud like it was funny. Then the silence makes it feel like I have to say something, so I try to form a bond with him and tell him how messy my bedroom is and how I have clothes all over the place. Oops, shouldn't have said that, I am here to get hired to neatly fold shirts and put them away. That is all the job requires and I have already in the first minute, expressed how I am not qualified to do that. The interview hasn't even officially started yet. I should just thank him for his time and leave now, but he chuckles in a staged way and leans way back in his chair and puts his hands together on top of his head showing me that this is just a casual conversation with one of the guys.

He starts in by talking about himself. Shocker. I try really hard to listen as he talks about what a great boss he is and his open door policy, but I find it very difficult to listen to him when all I can listen to is myself staring at his controlled chaos of a hair-do and the five o'clock shadow on his chest. His hair appears so messy and unkept, yet it is so perfect.

After he gets done telling me how successful he has become, he starts explaining what the shirt folding job entails. Pretty much just folding shirts, but he makes it sound so much more detailed and challenging that I actually doubt if I am smart enough to do the job. After a few more agonizing minutes of learning about Todd, the job, and the company and what it can do for me, should I be honored enough to become the newest team member, he starts the interrogation process by nonchalantly asking me one of the questions I expected I would be asked, "What made you come in and apply with us today?"

What I want to say is, "Desperation." but that's probably not the best answer, so instead of telling the truth and explaining how I don't even really remember applying here and how I don't care where I get hired as long as it's someplace that gives me a paycheck, I lie and tell him how big of a fan I am of Abercrombie's clothes and accessories and how "every time" I come into the store I notice how knowledgeable and friendly all of the employees are and how happy they look and how much I would like to be part of that. I add on how I really enjoy helping people and how eager I am to learn something new and how much of a quick learner I am, etc., etc.

As I am regurgitating these cliches that I would never say in my real life, I can't help but notice how exaggerated Todd's expressions are while he is listening to me. Leaning much too forward in his seat with that intense interested look, eyes that are focused in on me like every word I say is the most fascinating thing he has ever heard, and the reassuring head bob that let's me know he is really understanding what I am saying. This guy's a tool.

I finish reciting my lines and it appears I have just blown him away because his smile gets bigger and he just stares at me and says, "Excellent." like I'm a retarded eight year old who just tied his shoes for the first time. I hate this guy.

As he picks up my application and pretends to look it over for a third time, I wonder what his next question will be. Will he want to know if I am a team player? Will I have to explain why he should hire me over the other applicants? I hope so since I'm prepared and have memorized my lines for those responses. As long as he doesn't ask me to 'tell him a little bit about myself '. That one I am not prepared for. I don't like talking about myself and I never know how to answer that. Please don't ask me that.

He sets down my application, leans back, crosses one leg over the other and says, "Tell me a little bit about yourself Travis." So I do.

"My name is Travis Hanson, I'm thirty five years old and I was born December 19, 1975 in Butte, Montana. My mom had moved there to go to school to become a veterinarian and had met my dad, they got married and had me. They got divorced a couple of years later and my mom loaded me and our German Shepard Chauncy up in the car and drove back to Reno where she was from and where her side of the family still lived. We moved in with my aunt until my mom could save up enough to get our own place. My dad wasn't paying much, if any, child support and it wasn't easy for my mom to save, so we stayed there for a while, which was fine with me since I had my own room. I really don't remember any of this, being that I was only about two years old or so, but it's what I have been told. I will however, never forget my first memory.

It was shortly after we had moved in with my aunt, I'm not sure exactly how old I was but I think I was two or three. I was in my room playing with my toys, I had a lot of toys and they were the good ones too because I was the only child in the family and my grandma and grandpa were happy that their only grandchild now lived in the same city. So I was playing and I heard yelling coming from the front room and then all of a sudden some man with a mustache comes into my room, scoops me up in his arm, grabs my superhero sleeping bag, and starts heading towards the front door. I'm screaming as loud as I can and crying, and my mom tries to stop him but he just hits her out of the way and continues out the door. Seeing my mom being hit only makes me scream and cry louder and I am kicking as hard as I can trying to get away. He walks out the front gate and towards his red Ford pickup truck where some lady is in the passenger seat waiting. I am now having a panic attack at age two and am kicking and swinging my arms as hard as my little body can, trying so hard to get away. That feeling of being held against my will and fighting as hard as I possibly could to get away, only to be held tighter so I couldn't even move is something I still have nightmares about. My screams were deafening, but still I could not scream loud enough to get all the panic out. As he carried me over to the passenger side of his truck and was trying to get me in the door, the neighbor kid came riding up on his bike. I remember looking down and seeing the kids front bike tire about six inches away from the mans cowboy boot and thinking how maybe the bike will run over his foot and it will hurt him so much that he will drop me. That's what I remember the clearest, looking down and hoping that tire would run over his cowboy boot and I would be free.

The kid didn't run over his foot and I was thrown in the truck and comforted by the stranger lady, which only made me cry more. The more I cried, the more he yelled at me to shut up and stop crying. We drove for what seemed forever and I remember not being able to cry anymore. I was still scared out of my mind, and he kept yelling at me, but I could not cry one more drop. I ran out I guess. Next thing I remember, we stopped at some grocery store. I went inside with this guy and the lady and they bought some food and a Styrofoam cup full of worms. I had never seen anything like that and under the circumstances it freaked me out. He yelled at me for that too. On our way out of the store, I remember them buying me a toy from one of those little red machines by the door where you put a quarter in and turn the dial. I don't remember what the toy was but it didn't even matter, it gave me something to squeeze onto and something to take my mind off what was happening.

The next thing I remember we were in the woods setting up camp and there were more people I didn't know. I think there were two other kids and a couple more adults. I watched the guy who took me put up a sheet across some branches in a tree and I could not figure out why he was doing that. When he was done, I asked him. He said it was to hide us while we camped there because we weren't really supposed to be there. Now I may not have even been four years old yet, but I still couldn't believe how stupid that was. Nothing is more natural looking than a white sheet hanging from tree to tree in the forest.

Maybe it was his stupidity or maybe it was something he said, but it was right around then I figured it out that this guy was my dad. I started asking questions about where my mom was and where we were and what was going on and all he kept doing was bad mouthing my mom and telling me how he was going to raise me from now on. I remember that feeling in my gut when he told me that. That sinking feeling you get when you realize you will never see someone again. That only scared me more and made me cry more and his solution to that was to yell at me to stop crying and to threaten me. That continued on until we were sitting around the campfire and he handed me a hot dog he had cooked for me over the fire. It was completely black and crispy and I wouldn't eat it. That made him finally lose it and he hauled off and hit me and told me to eat it. I refused and he kept yelling at me and telling me how I was going to end up a girl if I went back and was raised by my mom, grandma, and aunt and how I was never going to see them again so just shut up and eat. I didn't eat and started being a brat just like all kids do when they don't get what they want. Anytime I was difficult or cried, I got yelled at and hit.

I remember when it was time to go to sleep, I had to sleep in the same sleeping bag as him and he stripped down to his tighty whiteys and that freaked me out. Sleeping in a bag with a stranger in his skivvies wasn't exactly relaxing. I eventually fell asleep though. It had been a big day.

The next day all I remember was going out on a lake in some inflatable raft with him and at least one other kid. I can't remember if there was another one, but I do remember the kid with really curly blond hair. He kept trying to talk to me and I didn't want to talk to him or anyone else. We went out there to go fishing with the Styrofoam cup of worms that were bought earlier and I wanted nothing to do with it. Then the little curly haired booger eater kept grabbing seaweed or something from the water and putting it in the raft and that grossed me out and gave me a reason to be a bigger brat. I screamed and cried because the seaweed was touching me and it was slimy. That finally set my dad over the edge I guess, because he went off on me telling me how much of a sissy I was, how being raised by women will turn me into one, and how he couldn't put up with me anymore and didn't want me. So he took me back home, dropped me off, and drove away. Never saw him again until I was sixteen.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from "Tell Me A Little Bit About Yourself"by Travis Hanson Copyright © 2012 by Travis Hanson. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.