Recognizing Who We Are

"Here is where our real selfhood is rooted, in the divine spark or seed, in the image of God imprinted on the human soul."

— Sue Monk Kidd

My search for truth started when I was seven, sprawled out on the floor of our playroom den reading books with my ten-year-old brother. Someone had given us a children's book with illustrations depicting God with white hair and a long beard, sitting on a throne. It was 1968, so perhaps this concrete interpretation of the Almighty was common for the times. But even as a child, this image never really rang true for me. I remember repeating to my brother what a cousin told me, "God is love and is in everything, and life goes on forever." As soon as I heard this, it felt right to me.

My brother had been informed otherwise. Probably by some well-meaning adult who was trying to keep him from running into the street and getting hit by a car. He told me that when we die, that is the end for us. We lie in a coffin, a big black box, and we can't see, hear, think, or know anything. When we die, he said, we no longer exist.

That was the beginning of a split in my consciousness that caused me to vacillate between my gullible mind and the truth that I knew deep down. Sadly, as life marched on for the next decade or so, this inner knowing became increasingly difficult for me to access. Although each night I lay in bed in wonder, contemplating the miracle of infinity, this also marked the beginning of my nightly descent into terror as I tried to imagine not existing. I would picture the black box and think about what my brother said. While I was terrified by these thoughts, trying not to think them was like trying not to watch a violent scene in a horror movie. You cover your eyes, but you are compelled to look between your fingers to see what happens.

With my curiosity aroused, I began to contemplate what other mysteries the universe might hold. Who are we and what are we doing here on this planet? Were we created or did we get here by accident? Do our minds exist only in our brains, or are we connected to something bigger? Does the universe go on forever or does it have boundaries? What is on the other side? How can infinity exist? How can it not?

The uncertainty these questions conjured and the image of the black box kept me paralyzed in fear, preventing me from fully appreciating the world around me. It probably contributed significantly to my becoming a shy, scared little girl who stood back from the world with little awareness of the fire that burned inside me. So adrift was I in my sense of disconnection from my essential nature that I lost the ability to hear my own song. I forgot how to follow my natural impulses, and my instincts were dulled into sleep.

Fortunately, at the core of our being, we are all imbued with the Truth of Who We Are, an inner knowing that cannot be extinguished. This truth burned as but an ember deep within me, yet it was enough to fuel my search for the Divine. I pledged to explore the Universe at its absolute depths. As I look back now, I realize that, like Dorothy in the Land of Oz, my return to Presence has always been inevitable. I am by nature a truth seeker. And we are promised that whatever we seek, we shall find.

Although I used to think what a terrible waste of life my slide into a continuous state of anxiety was, I can't be sure this wasn't the greater Plan all along. The intensity of my fear pushed me to uncover the answers to life's questions experientially and not just intellectually. As a result, I have had many transformative experiences that tell me unequivocally that Yes, there is more to me and to Life. My journey has taken me full circle from that place of childhood grace and purity, to my fall into the netherworld of fear and resistance, and back to an open heart, greater Presence and fulfillment, and a more authentic expression of who I am.

I will not say that I am always fully present at this point in the evolution of my consciousness, but I have a heightened awareness of when I am out of sync with life and therefore not present. I am a lot less anxious than I used to be, and fairly regularly, sometimes for extended periods, I have magical moments of blissful Presence.

What is Presence, anyway? And what can it do for me?

Presence is the state of our being in which nothing stands in the way of our full experience. It is the fullness of our being. There are many descriptions of the state of Presence, and there are two reasons for this. One is that Presence has many qualities, so not everyone experiences Presence exactly the same way. Some people focus in on the peaceful and blissful feeling of being in Timelessness. Others are more affected by the sense of unity with all creation that they experience. Still others notice a sense of aliveness, full physical embodiment, and a solid feeling of inner support.

The other reason is that sometimes we only experience a glimpse of Presence, or just one or two aspects of it. This happens because being states are fluid, they are temporary reflections of our changing state of consciousness. Often Presence emerges in peak spiritual experiences, during prayer or meditation, or in the midst of crisis. Potentially, Presence is always accessible to us, but human beings are caught up in the material world in a way that we bypass the present. Some say that this is because when we entered this physical existence, the element of Time was ushered in to give us the illusion of a temporal reality. This was necessary in order to create the laboratory of Life for the evolution of our souls.

Another way of looking at Presence is the union of our Essence, that which we are, and Personality, that which we believe ourselves to be. Essence is our true nature, the ground of our being from which our consciousness springs. In Presence, our Essence comes to the foreground and allows us to directly experience connection with the Source of our Being. In moments of Presence, we are our Essence. Most of us are not ready to live from Essence all the time; we simply have more work to do. However, many of us are ready to experience our Essence through the state of Presence in shorter spurts. We have the desire for a deeper and more meaningful experience of life. We understand the phrase "man does not live by bread alone" to mean that just as we need to physically eat food for our sustenance, we also need to take in spiritual food. Presence offers us that food.

When we experience more Presence in our lives, we automatically experience a greater sense of well-being, more calm in our body-minds, and more tranquil thoughts. This begins a healing spiral that affects us deeply on all levels — physical, emotional, mental, as well as spiritual. More calm also gives us more access to our Essence, which can make available, if we so choose, the gifts of Intuition, Inner Support, and our Passionate Purpose. When we have more Presence in our lives, we are more likely to find peaceful and constructive ways to manage our relationships and our work. As our understanding grows through Presence, we waste less energy on fruitless efforts. Presence gifts us with a stronger awareness of the Life Force, so that we are more fully embodied and we have more enthusiasm and aliveness. As a result, we become more engaged in positive pursuits. Our lives are more harmonious and productive because we have more inner resources available to us. This is also because the true nature of our Essence is loving and pure. When we are resonating from Love, how can things not improve?

So who are we, and what are we doing on Planet Earth?

I believe that the French Jesuit priest Pierre Teilhard de Chardin was on the right track when he wrote in 1955 that we are spiritual beings having a physical experience, and not the other way around. If he was right, I figure the early years of our lives would be focused heavily on getting oriented to our physical bodies and learning how to be in the world of Matter. In our preoccupation and our desperation to adapt to life in the material world, we might start to minimize and neglect our Divine connection, and eventually we would have scant awareness of our true nature, our Essence. Perhaps our real task on Earth is to find our way back, to merge the worlds of Spirit and Matter and reconnect to the Divine in a conscious way. Perhaps as we reawaken to our true nature, we are to bring back something new that can only be gained through the world of materiality and the constraints of Time.

Waking Up to Presence — the Ultimate Tool

If we are primarily spiritual beings, it seems clear to me that our main purpose is to evolve spiritually, to grow more in consciousness. As spiritual beings, we are cut from the fabric of God. Whether we are aware of it or not, we are co-creators of our Universe and designers of our own lives, which makes us responsible for the care of this planet and everyone in it, including ourselves. The biggest problem for us has been the barrier that exists between the worlds of Spirit and Matter, making it more difficult to feel the sense of connection to each other and to our Creator. Some people call this barrier the Veil of Forgetfulness. The isolation we experience from this barrier is why we find it so challenging to be present in body and mind and to hear the song of our own soul.

Over the decades, I have seen my capacity for Presence expand as I heal the past and take charge of my thoughts. Holding on to old wounds and negative beliefs binds up the life force, leaving less energy available for creating the good things in life. Releasing the past has allowed me greater access to my Intuition and Creativity. With these two gifts of the present, I have learned to initiate changes rather than just react to life as it comes at me. I am wasting less energy defending myself from imagined threats, and I linger less in toxic or unsupportive environments.

As I allow Essence to reveal itself to me day by day, my personality has a much weaker hold on my way of being. By practicing Presence, I am using my mental energy in more constructive ways to create a more fulfilling and satisfying life. I find ways to transform situations rather than complaining and feeling helpless. I know that all change and all healing happens in the present. If I want to change something, I bring my focus to the present and alter the way life is expressing through me; I change my state of being. I become more Loving, or I put on Strength or Optimism, or I replace my cynicism, judgment, or resentment with Acceptance. Then, through the Law of Attraction, conditions and behaviors automatically alter to match my state of being. Doing things differently follows naturally and without much effort.

Changing my state of being is always a present time function. Therefore, change is also a present time function. It has to be. I cannot change the way I am tomorrow or yesterday, and I cannot be anywhere but the present.

Being in the present is the ultimate tool for transformation because it is the bridge to our true Selves. There is an eternal fire that burns within each of us, and it is up to each of us to bring the flame to life. In the words of Marianne Williamson, "We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us." Let us hold the vision that in bringing forth our true natures, we will light up the world with the renewed sense of purpose, compassion, and awareness of the divine Presence in all things.

To begin, in the next chapter we will look at what stands in the way of our ability to be present — our fear.

Prayer

O Spark of Divine
Within my soul,
Shine brightly so that I may know
That I am that I am.
Moment by moment, emerge, Essence
And take my hand.
Your Presence whispers for me to reach deep,
Rolling back the waves,
So that I may know the peace
and the majesty of my own true heart.

Affirmation: As a unique spark of God, my actions reflect the divine nature of my being. I call forth the Essence of Who I Am to emerge from the depths of my soul.

Living in Fear and Disconnection

"We suffer because we are living at a distance from our depths — it's as simple as that."

— Sandra Maitri

If I were always without fear and fully present to the divine in all things, I would have little to say about the experience of living in fear and disconnection. Fortunately, I have plenty of material here. As focused as I am on being present, my fears do sometimes get the upper hand. An example of this happened just the other day when I was at my husband's work Christmas party. We were at a venue located in downtown, where I rarely go unless attending the symphony or the musical theater. I could not be less in my element than when in high heels and a fancy dress, hobnobbing in a club-type environment with people I do not know. Suffice it to say that the stressors were amply present to nurture my insecurities.

When I am resonating with my fearful egoic self rather than the higher aspects of my being, I am likely to obsess about how other people are responding to me on the inside, in their inner worlds. Do they like me? Are they bored or irritated by my presence? Are we on the same wavelength or are we oceans apart? As a result of my uncertainty, I clam up. Hold back. Fail to connect with people. I allow my awkwardness, which is mostly due to my fear of not being accepted, to prevail. Are my clothes too dressy? My shoes too sparkly? Oh, why didn't I buy boots or flats like the younger women are wearing? In part, this insecurity is related to my ego's belief that I have little in common with others. It distances me from them, causing me to feel alone and disconnected.

After the party that night, I thought about the way I had let uncomfortable shoes that severely limited my mobility, along with my worry about appearance, blitz out any opportunities I had for making authentic connections with people. I wondered how many others were also doing this behind their smiles. I also marveled at how the men and women in their twenties and thirties, sporting their more casual but somehow more appropriate attire, seemed so much more at ease. In their flats and boots, this group genuinely appeared to be enjoying themselves. I both envied and admired them for it. Sadly for me, this party experience was the epitome of my Forgetfulness. It showed me how uncertainty, unfamiliarity, and just trying to fit in serve as triggers for me to live at a distance from my essential nature.

Whether we are aware of it or living in the Forgetfulness of who we really are, it is our Essential Nature that binds us all together in humanity. If we are not first aware of this Presence within ourselves, we cannot sense this bond with our brothers and sisters, nor do we feel connected to the Source of our Being. Thinking about it now, it indeed makes me mourn the many moments I have been self-consciously lost in Disconnection. How many times a month, a week, or even a day, do my fears cause me to miss out on making connections with people, with life in the moment, and with a good grip on common sense reality?

The Purposes of Fear

Fear and Safety

Despite its many downsides, it is comforting to know that there is a functional side to fear. Since prehistoric times, the lives of humans have been made safer by it. The presence of fear triggers neurobiological mechanisms that sharpen our senses for a quick response to danger. The heart speeds up, the eyes dilate for better sight, and more blood flows to the muscles, which tense up to get us ready for action. The right amount of fearful vigilance may even ward off potential danger in new situations and in places where we've run into problems before. If you've ever had to deal with bullies, you know about this.

No doubt we all occasionally need external reinforcements, people whom we look to for support and put our trust in, but the best way we can receive help is to be connected to our own inner resources. This requires aligning with our Higher Nature. It means letting go of fear-based behaviors, such as closing ourselves off from our senses, worry and negative thinking, and judgmental and resistant attitudes. Likewise, it takes cultivating a strong sense that we are Pure Beings who are divine, indestructible, and immortal; requires growing our communication lines with our Inner Guide, our Intuitive Sense; and involves connecting with our own Loving Presence, the spirit of unconditional love for self and others.