CHAPTER 1
Un·heard/adjective/ adjective: not heard or listened to.
Dueling hemispheres partake in an inconsistent exchange of thought. Soul-peering spheres are cracked opened and unleash their turmoil, covered by the soothing nature of a perfect innocence. Still mental exchanges give way to the tempest that is at hand. Harmonious blessings are received and intermingled with a dreadful silence. A bone-chilling breeze seizes control of warm hearts once beating in unison. The shuffling of Grimm's feet echoes in the mind's eye of clouded judgment. The promise of a new day gives him pleasure as he continues his torment. Perfect innocence has shunned his presence and welcomes his child no more. Holding the beautiful black cloak, he marches toward a dreary beginning, afraid no more of what is to come but fearful of not knowing what is behind. Loved ones are left with clear confusion and delectable disdain for answers unknown. Good-byes are yelled at the loudest pitch, but nothing is returned, for the path ahead respects not love and only feeds off the pain of dread.
Long·ing /'lôNGiNG/noun: a yearning desire.
God sent me here to speak to your soul. He charged me with protecting his asset. I am yours if you but whisper the words with your heart. Patiently I wait while longing to hold you. I caress you mentally and touch you in your deepest parts. So, if I died and came back again, the only thing I would want to stay the same would be you! You in my life, in my heart, in my mind, in my soul, in my presence!
En·gulf/ in'gelf, en'gelf/ verb (past tense): (of a natural force) sweep over (something) so as to surround or cover it completely.
Trapped in the smooth caverns of her femininity. I am trapped in the smooth caverns of her femininity; A last breath taken away before pleasure sets in. My mind skipped a beat as my heart stayed still. Narrowing eyes peer across a sea of uncertainty, chasing a horizon of fleeting hope, intertwined in the archaic battle of bedroom supremacy. Both lost in the dark, planting seeds of confusion. Cocooned in lust, their freedom lies in expelling the truth. Yet fear has clamped shut their mouths, ruining any chance for life to take flight.
Ha·ven/ 'haven/ noun: a place of safety or refuge.
In my perfect world, you are more than perfect. Your soul radiates a light that is unsurpassed by the sun. Heaven-sent is your name and protection your purpose. To know you is to love you. To hear your voice is a blessing of peace. The sight of you makes those blinded by life see again. Your presence is illuminating as you are mesmerizing. If the world ended in this moment and God spoke to me, thank you for her is all I'd ever say.
A·lone/ e'lon/ adjective & adverb: having no one else present; on one's own.
I lie free while calmed by the cool breeze, wrapped in a cocoon of soothing yet tormenting thoughts. Images of her smile comfort my longing to see her. Memories of her touch cause me to anticipate the next embrace. Mentally, I wonder if she thinks of me. Spiritually, I want to connect with her soul. Taking care of her emotionally and physically is a task I long for. But as I lie in this space, all I can say is that I'm happy just to know her.
Ped·es·tal/ 'pedestl/ noun: the base or support on which a statue, obelisk, or column is mounted.
You sit in a place of my heart that is inexplicably yours. Your happiness is my joy. Your pain is my sorrow. There is no rational reason for this. So, there must be a cosmic purpose. You are more amazing than you know and a delight to many a soul. I accept my place in this life, but you reject the role I have in yours.
Be·gin·ning/ be'giniNG/ noun: the point in time or space at which something starts.
Fleeting failing falling fragile is her heart. Sacred dimensions of her essence are explicitly written on his heart. A terrified happiness consumes her as she is awakened to her true reality. A past that was always fearful but is now no longer afraid of what God has for her. A seventh sense has been given to her that makes her realize what is truly for her. Her existence is now and forever changed because her heart is tamed, tamed by the new sunrise of possibilities of where her life can go. In exuberance, she rises daily as her soul is stirred by thoughts of him. Her past of fearful existence is no more as her life's reflections have been cleared. To now know that her once-lonely heart has a kindred spirit all its own is all she will ever know.
Fan·ta·sy/'fan(t)ese/ Noun: the faculty or activity of imagining things, especially things that are impossible or improbable.
I am daydreaming of a life away from here in a place where no one knows our past. In a place of uncontrollable bliss is where I want to be with you. These images run through my mind as desire races through my heart. Perfection is what lives between us as our mistakes of old become lessons for the future. Hand and hand, heart in heart is where we should be. Yet in this life, we stand apart but connected by an innate desire to hold each other's spirit. Though a shared language is not our daily experience, routine thoughts never cease. No matter where we go, I will be in you and you will be in me.
Tran·scend/ tran(t)'send/ verb: be or go beyond the range or limits of (something abstract, typically a conceptual field or division).
How dope am I. ...
I'm so dope because my dedication to success is relentless: an endless hunger to be the best versions of myself. I wake daily with a plan to conquer my goals and triumph over my weaknesses. I'm so unbelievably dope because I understand the importance of staying on point: staying on my game and being prepared for anything that comes my way. I'm blessed with an agile mind that stays moving because the haters don't stop hating. I'm so ridiculously dope because my passion runs deeper than the deepest abyss. I stay so focused that my visions have no choice but to become reality. I have mastered the law of attraction and speak into existence what is meant for me and only me. I'm unimaginably dope! Not because I say so but because that's how God made me. He didn't break the mold when he made me, he threw away the mold after he made me. I'm unique, I'm powerful, I'm amazing, and nothing in my eyes is impossible because I'm just that dope!
Sor·row/ 'säro, 'sôro/ noun: a feeling of deep distress caused by loss, disappointment, or other misfortune suffered by oneself or others.
I watch you pass in the corners of my mind. Lingering thoughts of you stir my heart toward hope. A faith begins to resound in me that once existed. It is because of you I have faith. Yet I see you and I'm saddened as your king reaches to you, but you don't reach back. Graciously, you move away from a never-ending happiness, sinking into complacency and accepting less than a queen is owed. I see your face and the sadness in your heart. Replacing it with momentary happiness lets me know I've done my part, but in the end, I won't be yours. Even though in the end, your happiness is what I am praying for.
Won·der/ 'wender/ noun: a feeling of surprise mingled with admiration, caused by something beautiful, unexpected, unfamiliar, or inexplicable.
All the splendor in the world is incomparable to what grandeur lies before me. My optical senses are overwhelmed in amazement while taking on a sheltered existence. Hands work their magic to shield me from the brilliant aurora. My soul bends as it is drawn toward this eighth wonder. The struggle between self-preservation and emotional salvation is my crossroad. I endeavor into the abyss of my mind as to unlock myself from this prison. The prison of doubt, fear, and anger must be rejected if I'm to enter this eighth wonder. For the only thing that can exist in love is hope, faith, and trust!
Emp·ty/ 'em(p)te/ adjective: containing nothing; not filled or occupied.
You look at me with intent-filled eyes, loving me in an inexplicable manner. The magnificence of your double standard of love is atrocious and unimaginable. Yet you find a way to make it real. You fight without compassion and change without understanding. You yield only to your pain and balk at my words that would only benefit us. The troubling nature of your thoughts leaves me without any resolution. It's not your way or the highway, but only your way; if not, you become the crime-scene victim. Selfish you are; freely giving of self doesn't exist in your space. Tears from my eyes are met with a sorrowful tone of your voice. The stock price of love is declining as the banks run dry. Tell me why I can't receive a single deposit, but you demand my entire account? Why do you ignore my tears but demand I sit and listen to you shout? I don't know why but care I still do. Yet understand that my love bank is close to zero and being bankrupt is something that I'll never do.
En·dure/ in'd(y)oor, en'd(y)oor/ verb: suffer (something painful or difficult) patiently.
She is alive! A quiet obsession with confusion, a soul hangs in the balance. Living by the wind's ebb and flow, she searches for peace with steps of destruction, not of others but of herself; love for many, leaving none for herself. Her birthright protectors reach to save her but fail. The straitjacket of pain binds her will to be free. Earthly time has fleeted, but a celestial clock maintains control. God has revealed himself and unlocked the shackles of self-loathing. Lust, malicious words, self-destruction are replaced with self-worth. Strength to overcome and a will to receive more than the pain of the past has granted. She now lives on another plain that radiates from her smile. Confident in her step and exuding love with every breath ... she is alive.
Hope/ hop/ noun; a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
I want that kind of love ...
That love that makes you get your work done quickly so you can see her kind of love. That I'm angry with you but we're still going out kind of love. That I've got good news and you're the first to tell kind of love. That envisioning your face calms my sleepless nights kind of love. That come over and hold me at 2:00 a.m. because I'm feeling down kind of love. That I see your face in my mind's eye while lying in the dark kind of love. That I see to the depth of your soul and you see mine kind of love. The kind of love where growing isn't a problem but the solution. The kind of love where our imperfect nature makes us better. The kind of love that they refuse to make movies about because it's boring to the outside world. The kind of love that the mere mention of their name makes your heart smile even when your face is frowning. The kind of love that is so intense that everyone feels it, sees it, and quietly hates it because you found your kind of you love. The kind of love that doesn't transcend time but makes the present moment the only thing that matters kind of love. That kind of love where being soulfully naked is the norm, where no judgment is passed, and simple silence is more than enough to let you know that everything will be just fine.
Trap/ trap/ noun: have (something, typically a part of thebody) held tightly by something so that it cannot move or be freed.
In this message of pain, I don't feel empty, but I don't feel full. That something that can't be explained has left me. There is no joy, there's just existence — not a surviving existence, but one of stillness and quietness, that unsettling aura that encapsulates your soul. Your mind is incapable of creating a roadmap toward fulfillment. The wells of one's eyes are full but capped with cynicism. Your heart rests in a frightening silence but moves just enough to remind you that you're still living. The picture of what love was has now become distorted. Is it self before all others or all others to the detriment of self? I am hoodwinked by the melodic sounds of lost and confused expressiveness. All that once was is now only seen clearly through the looking glass, caged in a realm of opportunity and nothingness. The sun rises in its continual habit but does not shine in this place, for the light is absent and the shades of pain have been drawn.
Per·se·vere/perse'vir/ Verb: continue in a course of action evenin the face of difficulty or with little or no prospect of success.
The steel covering; the steel mesh around my heart keeps me alive. There are 1,001 pieces held together by love's hope. Life's hammer has taken its toll. Through my veins loneliness flows. Perfusing every inch of my body ... it is ever-present. Life's tests have created an antidote in the same manner it has created this mess. Sheer will to never give in; relentless desire to never go under. Strength to be an indomitable force against the pain that mutilates love. I am one with my loneliness as to find a means to overcome it. I sit; I kneel with my hand on the ground, but not now nor never will I ever lie down.
Ter·ri·fy/'terefi/ verb past tense: terrified: cause to feel extreme fear.
Sitting here in my thoughts and drowning in my feelings ... I ache. I ache from the experiences that have hardened my heart. The weight of pain presses on my soul. It's pressed downward with a force like no other. I ... am paralyzed. I can see the invisible tears as my body is engulfed in fear, anxious for it to end but knowing there is only one way out. That out cannot be an option for faith must keep it at bay. I struggle, and in my struggle, I stay until the weight is lifted by love's relentless chase.
Scorn/ skôrn/ verb: feel or express contempt or derision for.
Ignoring love's freedom has made me an afterthought in your life's delusion of happiness. Cast to the side but just inside your furthest reach is where you lay me, living a confused, fearful existence while soulful joy embraces your pain inflicted by the world. The essence of disdain for love is replaced with a constant interceding of confusion and destruction. Freedom lies in moving forward, yet you choose to remain shackled by the past. This love in front of you is yours for the taking: yours to help heal your wounds; yours to build you up and reveal your worth. Sadly, the terrifying thought of a life not being what was once pictured has cemented your feet and blinded you from an existence free of soul-shattering pain. Submitting to a faith that knows no bounds is unheard of in your world. Giving into the gift of selfless sacrifice terrifies your heart and plagues your mind. I weep, I worry, I write this pain ... as a reminder that true love provides freedom and will always be the agent of change.
U·ni·fy/ 'yoonefi/ Verb past tense: unified; make or become united, uniform, or whole.
Last night, caressing your pores gently with my fingertips, I left vivid impressions of pleasure in your consciousness. Lying so close to each other that our skin starts to blend. Clenching each other so tightly that our souls embrace. Intimate gazes bind hearts while hips begin to pulsate. Pleasure boxes are full and ready for this play's sensual climax. Slow to reveal itself like a rose opening to the break of day. The dew dripping wet as the sun touches it on the inside. Warm, awaken, and fully open, entrapped by its own beauty. So as the rose and the light are one, so shall you and I be in the midnight sun.
Fear·less/ 'firles/ Adjective: lacking fear.
I wake to a beautiful day because you are first on my mind. I am anticipating your presence like the New Year's ball drop: exhilarating when it comes and ready for a great adventure. Ups and downs mean nothing because I have you. Seeing your admiration and feeling your love help me grow. Thank you for you and praise God for us. Loving you, missing you, needing you around. Today tomorrow and forever.
En·vel·op/ en'velep/ verb past tense: enveloped: wrap up, cover, or surround completely.
Secretly holding each other in that sacred place. Breathing in unison while seductively reaching into each other's soul. Pulsating with pleasure from the heart and not the hips, with a mysterious intensity that must be from a divine intervention. An instinctual thoughtfulness is held between the two, neither ever coming into a failed state because in their union success is ever-present. Delicate hands on a rippled stomach create comfort and pleasure. Strong arms around a soft figure give way to safety and love. These things occur on a physical and emotional plane. Yet all it truly is, is just an intimate embrace.
Re·spon·si·bil·i·ty/ respänse'bilede/ noun: the state or fact of having a duty to deal with something or of having control over someone.
To whom it may concern ... You hold no blame in how you treated me. You lived in your own way and that is all you knew. The love I showed, in another life, would have been enough to hold us together. Yet the choice between fear and hope is simple because fear is comfortable and unambiguous. Fear is common because pain and disappointment are familiar occurrences in your life. They have attached themselves as symbiotic species to your heart, feeding you lies that become your reality. As for hope's unfamiliar feel ... I make the hard choice: the choice of the unknown yet endless possibilities of happiness; the uncomfortable life away from the familiarity of pain. I choose love. Love of self, to receive what was meant for me. Love of life, to take the crap and let it feed my growth and become something magnificent. I choose not to live in love built on another's manipulation of me. I choose to not let history bind me to a false reality. I choose to remember that love is what matters and not the peripherals of career and location, which are misconstrued as life. I forgive myself for living in your box of pain. I hold you blameless as I reclaim my focus. I welcome you on my uncomfortable journey of hope toward love. Yet I will love you where you are, even though the possibility of us is long past gone.
