Learning Differently and Learning to Cope

Families with children who do not appear to be learning as well as expected have many questions. Parents worry because the child is underperforming in school, has social or behavioral problems or they simply are not satisfied that all is as it should be. Some parents have taken the step of formal assessment and have discovered that their child has a diagnosis, such as Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, Dyspraxia or a combination of these. Some of the children have not had formal assessment, but regardless, all these parents come to us with the same question: "What can we do to help our child?"

This book is my attempt to answer that question. As a parent, I have experienced the fear they feel for their children's futures. I hear their anxiety and I am aware of their need for more knowledge and help. Although none of us has all the answers and there are no magic solutions for each individual child, this book can offer some ideas and suggestions that may be of help.

For the purposes of this book I shall refer to the child as "he" or "she" in alternate chapters. It should also be noted that the names of all the children in this book are fictional. Each one of us is special and each one of us has special needs.

People like certainty. It is human nature. When we are sure about the world around us, we understand things better. When we understand things better, we can predict what might happen and we feel in control. Unfortunately, for people who learn differently, this often is not the case. For them, there is no definite formula that will guarantee success. Even the most sophisticated testing tools cannot account for the complexity of how humans think and the different ways in which we all process information. There is no certainty or label that can be applied despite the best assessments conducted by the best test administrators. Testing for different forms of learning difficulties is worthwhile, but it should be used as a guide for understanding a child's unique differences and not simply for applying a label. There seems to be some misconception about assessment: that it solves a problem, that it tells you what to do, that is some sort of fix and that it gives you a clear answer in the form of a label. Sadly, that is not the case. Assessment is a beginning but not an answer. A label may be important for some, but it can be negative for others. Testing provides a direction but can't substitute for intuitive, caring, knowledgeable adults. A label is just a label. What really makes a difference is the person who uses all the available information and observations to help each child with his or her particular difficulties.

Working in the area of learning difficulties is so much more than labels and categories. It is about dealing with complex, interesting, different, often challenging human beings and finding the best solutions for each individual. It is about observing carefully and reflecting on those observations. It is about finding ways that work. It is about thinking differently. It is about belief. It is about changing values. It is about having fun. No one program can do it all for each individual and there is no quick fix. Each individual has a set of abilities and a unique way of developing and using them. Careful nurturing, perseverance and patience by everyone involved is essential. Above all, celebrate every success, no matter how small. That is the magic formula you can use to help achieve your goals and move your children forward.

It's a bit like untangling a ball of string that the cat was playing with—you work really hard to pick it apart, painstakingly unpicking every knot until you get the long, untangled piece you need.

This book is not written for a specific diagnosis, such as ASD, Dyslexia, ADHD, etc. It is written to help children and their parents. Hopefully, some of the activities, suggestions and stories will benefit your child. It is neither a prescription for a particular syndrome nor a program to follow. It is a compilation of activities and anecdotes: choose from among them to target your child's particular needs. To do this, first you need to understand your child, who may learn very differently from yourself and your other children. We all have our own personal learning styles and so does your child.

Progress is what matters. Success is not about school grades, awards or praise. If we know that a child is making progress, then it is easier to believe that change can happen. It is easier to be positive. It is easier to celebrate every little step forward. It is easier to accept and value the child.

But we need a starting point. We need to identify what children know, what they can do and what they want (if they can tell us).

To start this journey of discovery, please dismiss negativity—your own, your family's and society's. That is easier said than done, but please remember that a lot of damage is inflicted by thoughtless, negative remarks and comparisons. Remember, children want to make their parents happy.

After you have formed your own opinions about what the child can do, try to find out her likes and dislikes (e.g., if she favors a particular learning style). This analysis will help you determine if your child has the skills and the guidance that is essential for her progress. Then you will be prepared to examine the essential pillars for learning.

The Starting Point

You have already begun: you are reading this book. Now you have to honestly examine yourself: your judgment, your reactions and your treatment of the child who thinks differently. This is not easy for anyone to do. Each one of us has been molded by very different forces to those that influence today's children. Think about the challenges for the twenty-first-century child. Today's ten-year-old is probably driven to school, plays computer games and spends far more time indoors than his parents did. Today's six-year-old is able to use the TV remote control, watches DVDs in the car and plays games on an iPad. These certainly were not activities his parents or grandparents engaged in when they were young. Life has changed enormously and parents must make immense adjustments. No longer can they always rely on the wisdom of previous generations. Both the new and traditional have to be given fair consideration and the two blended together. New judgments have to be made and as a result you have to account for different patterns of behavior and accommodate children who do not think the same way you do.

Keeping those adjustments in mind, the way you treat your children and the feedback you give can have an enormous effect on confidence. This is especially true of children who are experiencing learning difficulties. They find it difficult to develop a positive view of themselves, as they tend to experience many setbacks and a great deal of negative feedback. They most likely compare their skills and abilities to those of their classmates or siblings. As parents, you have to encourage them to feel good about themselves, recognize what they can do and promote a healthy level of confidence.

Ask yourself: in addition to unconditional love, am I giving these things to my child most of the time?

• Belief that the child can make progress

• Time to fully understand

• Mentally secure environment

• Nonjudgmental atmosphere

• Accommodation of the child's unique learning style

• Avoiding comparisons with other children

• Careful listening; full attention without distractions

• Patience

• Calm environment

• Emphasizing the positive

• Praising the action rather than the child

• Realistic expectations

• Understanding and acknowledgment of the child's strengths

• Celebration of every success, no matter how small

• Pleasure in learning new things

• Safety to make mistakes so they can be learning opportunities

• Shared experiences

If you find yourself saying yes to most of these, you're heading in the right direction. If you are not, perhaps it's time to examine the way you communicate with and behave towards your child for it will have a profound impact on his confidence and ability to function and progress.

Your Child's Needs

To really know your child it is a good idea to practice reflection and observation.

What is it about your child that causes you to worry about him? You look at your child and you feel in your gut that there is something amiss. You can't quite put your finger on it, but you've got a nagging feeling something is not quite right. Respect your gut feelings, even if you can't describe them in words. It may not be a phase, and your child may not grow out of it. Mothers tell me things such as, "He was always different to my other children," or "I just feel there is a difference," or "There has always been something about him that is just not the same as the others." More often than not, I hear that Dad thinks that Mom is fussing unnecessarily and that there is nothing wrong with his child and that all this insistence on looking for answers is making the child feel different. Believe Mom; somehow, deep down, she knows when all is not quite the way it should be. All these feelings make her feel paralyzed and often she is unable to see a way out.

So, Dad and Mom, what do you do next? There are four steps to get you started.

• Think about what your child can do

• Find out what your child thinks he can do

• Explore how your child learns

• Determine where you need to focus your efforts

The first (and most important) step is to celebrate what the child can do. This brings to mind a story that has had a profound impact on my work:

A close friend of ours was physically small as a young child. One day, he was running a race with his peers on school sports day. His parents were watching. The little boy tried his best, but he just couldn't keep up with the other children, who were taller and had longer legs. He came last by a long distance. His father immediately raced across the field, picked him up and said with obvious delight, "You finished the race, Richard. That's wonderful!"

His father encouraged what the child was able to do and in so doing helped build the child's future successes. This little boy went on to become an excellent sportsman and a highly successful professional.

Can you honestly praise your child's achievements? Can you resist the quick "you're wonderful" type remark and instead find the real achievement and comment positively on that? Can you find the achievement, no matter how small? And—this is one of my own pet peeves—can you keep yourself out of the comment? For example, I dislike comments like "I'm so pleased you are doing so well," because I prefer to emphasize the child's own success. (Should the child care that you are pleased or take pride in his own achievement?) Instead, try saying something like, "How do you feel about your work?" or "You have finished" or "Good job!" He needs to know that he is being recognized for his own merits and for his own achievement, for then he can build similar successes in the future.

Can you ignore the expectations of others and celebrate every little success your child has? Have you set your standards for behavior and made sure that the child knows, understands and attempts to fulfill your expectations? Can you think about the positives?

What Is the Child Good At?

When I ask parents this question, to my horror, many can't answer. They have never thought about their child in this way. Too many negatives seem to get in the way. Learning difficulties do not define the child. They may be part of the child's makeup, but so are his strengths, talents, preferences and interests.

The Learning Passport

The following exercise is designed to encourage you to think deeply about your child. It is the learning passport for using the book. The first page includes the parents' and family's responses to the questions about what your child can do. Then you will open the passport to the inner child. Page 2 will be the child's own responses (as many as possible) to similar questions. Page 3 will be the analysis—from your perspective and from the child's—of what kind of learner she is. Finally, using all this information, you will create on the last page an outline of the basic skills the child needs to progress. Armed with this knowledge, you can pick and choose the activities and games that best suit her unique learning style.

This first page is designed to reflect the parents' view of the child and her abilities.

Choose the statements that apply to your child. Cut them out and stick them on to the figure on the front page of the passport.

Children have various maturity levels and skills, so choose carefully. For example, if your six-year-old child can sit at the table for a meal without constantly hopping up and down, banging on the table or doing other inappropriate physical actions, then you would use the "sits still when required" statement.

Page 1: What Your Child Can Do

Go to Appendix 1. Choose the statements that apply to your child. Cut them out and stick them onto the figure on the first page of the passport. If you feel your child has additional skills not listed, use the empty boxes provided.

participates in an everyday conversation
plays a sport
catches a ball with ease
rides a bike
sits still when required
The Learning Passport
follows directions
stays on task
perseveres
focuses on a task
follows a story
remembers a storyline or set of instructions
plays a musical instrument
sings
dances
draws, paints or sculpts
thinks creatively
imitates the mannerisms or speech of others
plays computer games
builds with blocks
makes friends
cares for a pet
looks after a sibling
eats a variety of foods
sleeps well
falls asleep easily
tidies up
helps others
fixes things
reads maps or tells you the route
surprises you with unusual knowledge
is generally happy
is loving toward family and close friends
has good body posture
goes to school despite difficulties
tells the truth (most of the time)
is generous
is curious
cooperates with others