One part intellectual and one part private eye, Ron Rosenbaum takes readers into "the secret parts" of the great mysteries, controversies, and enigmas of our time, including:

• the occult rituals of Skull and Bones, the legendary Yale secret society that has produced spies and presidents, including George Bush and George W. Bush.

• the Secrets of the Little Blue Box, the classic story of "Captain Crunch" and the birth of hacker culture.

• the "unorthodox" cancer-cure clinics of Tijuana.

• the Great Ivy League Nude Posture Photo Scandal.

• the unsolved murder of JFK's mistress.

Also including sharp, funny cultural critiques that range from Elvis to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, Bill Gates to Oliver Stone, and J.D. Salinger to the Zagat® guide, The Secret Parts of Fortune is a vital record of American culture.

The Secret Parts of Fortune

Three Decades of Intense Investigations and Edgy EnthusiasmsBy Rosenbaum, Ron

Perennial

Copyright © 2004 Ron Rosenbaum
All right reserved.
ISBN: 0060934468

Chapter One

Dream Dancing

In Which We Enter the Realm of Richard Roffman
and His Unknown Famous People

The first time I met Richard H. Roffman he was still representing Big Ed Carmel. You might remember Big Ed, the nearly nine-foot-tall "gentle Jewish giant from the Bronx," from the celebrated Diane Arbus photograph of the big guy with his pint-size parents in their living room up on the Grand Concourse.

Back then, p.r. man Roffman was trying to promote interest in a film career for Big Ed, an effort that never got very far, no doubt due to the shortage of really good parts for nine-foot-tall men.

But it was not long before I discovered that Richard H. Roffman is a giant in his own right -- a towering figure in a strange subculture of showbiz dreamers, would-be celebrities, and stand-ins for stars that Roffman runs out of his living room on West End Avenue.

Roffman is more than a p.r. man -- he's the ringmaster of a self-contained, self-fulfilling world that offers the complete "celebrity treatment" to a client: gala openings at restaurants represented by Roffman's p.r. business, radio and cable-TV talent showcases on Roffman-purchased airtime, guest shots on Roffman-hosted talk shows, conspicuous mention in "Roffman News Service" releases and appearance in celebrity-type "overheard while dining at..." anecdotes sent out by Roffman to show-business and gossip columnists (who cares if the items never run? -- the fact that you have a press agent sending items about you to real columnists is halfway to real celebrity-hood right there). All of this is accompanied by accolades from a cult composed of fellow Roffman-client "celebrities" who treat one another as if they were all real celebrities and nourish one another's cherished mutual illusions.

The success of the Roffman apparatus is all the more extraordinary when you consider that the clients involved do not exactly have the stellar magnitude of the celebs who employ John Springer, Bobby Zarem, and other established p.r. hotshots.

There is Monde, "Genie of the Accordion" and inventor of "the celebrity handshake glove." There is Yoga-donis, "the singing psychic." There's Tino Valenti, invariably identified as "the society troubadour"; someone known as "Count Gregory"; Dr. Joseph Yellis, "podiatrist-humorist." Several other clients of hyphenated accomplishments include a "songwriter-furrier," a "singer-artist-civic leader from Guyana," and Dr. Murray C. Kaye, described as "civic leader and retail beauty-world industrialist-owner of Murray Kaye Way beauty salon and frequently a guest on radio and TV shows...to discuss current problems."

The most recent Roffman client roster includes these other current favorites, along with the inimitable Roffmanesque descriptions of their talents:

--"Ugly George Urban, video cameraman heavy on adult material -- wears

silver suit."

--"Jos Gabriele, equinologist expert on horse racing, former wrestler investmentcounsellor."

--"Nat Lehrfeld, furrier who does sculpture out of seashells."

--"Princess Audrey Kargere, colorologist."

--"Harold Blum, cookie wholesaler."

--"Gregg Peters, an Elvis Presley soundalike lookalike."

--"Andrew Clay, young singer, a comedian, a John Travolta lookalike, soundalike, actalike."

In Roffman News Service press releases, the chance remarks of Roffman luminaries are accorded all the attention and awe given an Andy or Liza by Suzy and Liz. Consider some of the following items culled from Roffman releases over the years:

Six vegetarian dachshunds are available for placement by noted singing psychic Adonaiasis. At a press conference held at the Lotos Eaters Chinese Restaurant, Adonaiasis, a tall, handsome, blond young man of muscular physique said: "I sadly must give up these wonderful dogs, for I am getting so very busy with my consultation and personal advisory services and can only find time to give personal attention to a very few loved ones of the canine world...."

The Whirling Dervish Society presented an award to Tino Valenti, the Society Troubadour, Raconteur, Character actor, Artist, Fashion Designer, Singer, Guitarist, Bicyclist, Lecturer, Producer, Director for being the Busiest Man of Quality Around.

Vance Packard, the songwriter of many hit tunes (not the author of bestselling books, yes there are two gentlemen with that same name), disclosed while dining at the Adam's Rib restaurant that he is planning to open a unique beauty salon in the early part of the year.

Mikalas Grosz, a sightless violinist with a "genius" mind for discussions of all the problems of the day, even though they do not relate to music or the questions of the blind, will become a regular panelist on the Richard H. Roffman and His Friends Show, which is taped at the 86th Street Hofbrau House restaurant. This is one of the first times a sightless personality has been a regular participant in a talk show, according to informal research.

Richard H. Roffman, well-known newspaper man, publicist attorney, and theatrical producer, has been on the air continuously since 1935 and is celebrating his thirty-fifth continuous year of radio broadcasting in this city. At a reception held at the 86th Street Hofbrau House he was honored by the Greater New York Citizens Society for distinguished service in the communications world. Presented with a citation by Dr. Murray C. Kaye, civic leader and retail beauty world industrialist, Roffman declared...

After reading these curious releases for a year or so, I began asking reporters around town whether they'd heard of this Roffman guy. A mystified look would cloud their expressions. What is the story on that guy? they'd ask. Is he for real, or is it some kind of concept art? Have you seen those releases? I decided to get a glimpse of Roffman's world firsthand. And so, one warm spring evening some time ago, I attended one of the many award ceremonies that crowd the Roffman social calendar. This particular one took place in a big banquet room in the back of a now defunct place called Phil Gluckstern's Fancy Kosher Dairy Restaurant in the theater district...

Continues...

Excerpted from The Secret Parts of Fortuneby Rosenbaum, Ron Copyright © 2004 by Ron Rosenbaum. Excerpted by permission.
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