Glitch


Beauty passes by me,
my eyes transfixed
on her as she walks by.

It is futile to try
and hide my glares,
her beauty has
engulfed me.

As she walks away,
no eye catches mine.
I can do nothing but
watch as she leaves
my life for
the first and last time,
filling my soul
with that all too familiar lukewarm haze.


Such a Storm

The whistling winds of a winter evening
send a shiver up and down my spine
like a wrath
that boils your blood.

The trees sway and bleed at the
will of the confidant.

Each individual blade of grass
hews the tenant until it
can advance no further.

This must be his plot,
his scheme.
Scare us into believing.

This is a simpletons illusion,
a natural's explanation.


Numbers

Memories so distant now
that I can't picture you.

Can't remember your smell,
can't imagine what life
would be like.

These memories are
so distant now
that I don't know that
you exist,
or if you ever existed.

Were you real,
or did I create you?

Memories are so distant
now that I don't have them anymore.

They are gone from my mind,
like you from my soul.


Iceberg

The lust that you left branded on my soul
is not a lust of the bodily pleasures
you knew of, but a lust for love.

A lust for a woman to hold me in her
arms and truly mean everything her body tells me.
A woman who's soft skin and radiating smile
fills my body with the warmth of fire.

A woman who's eyes, green as emeralds,
pierce this cracked, porous landscape
that is my body and read every
stitch of fabric while
sharing some of her own.

My love you have changed,
but as have I, as have I.
Yet after all of this conditioning and transformation,
the saddest part of this story is I still
want you.
Not just your shell,
not just your soul,
you and all of you.
Nothing else will do.

But my love you have changed,
but as have I, as have I.


Mocking Bird

Your wrong.
You're the prime example of why I have given up,
refuse to try,
and refuse to trust.

These things should not get easier as things go on.
They should get harder
or not happen at all.

There should be no next time.
There should be one true happiness,
and no more.
That should be the end of the story.

You and your happiness,
walking into the sunset
with no hinder in sight.


Purple and Red

If there is one thing I've learned
over these years,
it's that bad things happen,
and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Even the most good, hardworking man
can go blind.

But it has to be for a reason,
it has to be.

Either way I know one thing.
all wounds scab over,
some just take a little while longer to heal,
especially if you keep picking at it.


Like A Dream

The smell.
The smell I've been longing to return to me,
It's come back to me at last.

But it has come back only in scent,
not in person.
Scent, nothing more.
A fucking piece of apparel.
Nothing more.

The scent has come back,
and with a waft and a flick of a switch
it's gone again.
Forever.

The beautiful aroma I've waited so patiently for,
returned for an instant, then becomes memory once again.

That's all it will live as henceforth,
a memory.


The One

I have met the one.
I got to know the one.
I spent lots of time with the one.

I met the one.
I know she was the one.
Those illuminated green eyes,
that dark wavy hair.

Your smile could fuel me for weeks.
Your presence gave me the greatest happiness.

I know you're the one.
I'm sorry that I wasn't your one.
But I'll be fine.

The audience keeps telling me to
move on and let my heart open.
But why would I settle for less,
when I could reminisce about the best.


Laces

When it comes to mountains,
they aren't what you'd think.

The initial climb is ecstasy,
the fall hurts like hell,
but the climb back up hurts worst.


Pointless

Everything that I want to say,
I've already said a hundred times.

I think I should stop.

I promise not to be as specific anymore,
but just know you're in
every message.


The Last

I probably could forget about you,
if I really wanted to.

All this agony and suffering,
I'm doing this to myself.

But I'm trying not to.

I could forget,
I truly believe it.
I just don't want to.

The subtle things that I took for granite,
like your laugh,
your eyes,
your smile.
I loved all these and many more things about you.
Now all I can do is think of them,
never again will I see or hear them.

I could forget,
I just don't want to.


Almost out

I stand here and wait.
I've given up searching.
I'll wait here as long as it takes.

I'm waiting for the girl
to walk around the corner and
make me think I was never
in love with you.

She won't let me think.

Maybe then I won't hurt.


Bucket

I wish you could see me in a different setting.
I mean,
I'm still the same person,
you know the real me,
but I wish you could see how else I could act.
Would you think differently of me?


Contradiction

I don't know what I was thinking when
I let you become
ever more prevalent in my life.

You're so cold,
yet sensitive as skin.

You are not the solution,
you are the problem.
I hate to say it because
of how much I love you,
but it's the truth.

In another life we could have been
a king and queen.

This is for the best.


Relapse

Here I am again,
sitting down with blank paper and a pen.

Over the past months
I have said the same things
over and over.

It's all true but I'm tired of saying it.
This will all become relevant later.
I wish I could say it a thousand more times.
I wish you could hear it.
This is the end for the dirt,
and the end for this road.

But you'll never be far from my thoughts.


Panic

Only one light has to be
on for its radiating
beams of bright life
to reflect off of all
other lanterns.

Blood rushing throughout
the body,
gallons being passed
from one person to
another.

Slowing down is a
necessity.
Habits will only
make this worse.
The inevitable
will happen though,
this is why they
call them habits.


Filth

Lace wraps around the
curves with the voice
of deception and
curtesy.

It whispers in my ear
words of harsh winters
and agony.

To flee would be
the original answer,
to stay and fight would
shroud and wrap,
judgement worth more than it
would be now.


Repetition

This ship
has a great captain.
He will never leave us again,
I have faith in that.
This is a beautiful, amazing ship.
We don't have a clue how it works, but it does.
And that is all.
We have trust.
I do anyways.
We may have rough waters ahead on this bright sea,
but the haul is strong,
and the captain is strong,
so strong.
The ship stays intact.
The captain stays intact.
Some fall overboard or just give up, but I still man my post and strap
in for the long run.


Her own beauty, never
quite thrown away

Why must you curse the most beautiful face I have ever seen
with such an awful and angry glare?

Purely by coincidence my eyes caught yours
as you gave me the same stare something
dead would enviously give anything that holds life.

Why envy?
That should be the very last thing on your mind.
I am not to be envied.

This awful ringing in my head,
a pounding of thoughts
beyond explanation or reason.

Why must you curse your beauty with lies and glares?
Is it purely spite and how you really are?
Have I completely missed something?
Have I done horribly wrong by you?

I wake every morning and pray to have answers
bestowed upon my ever so unworthy mind,
no matter how damaging the answer.


Blackout

Your imprint is gone now.
This is something that I've always tried to avoid.

Your face even fades from thought.

I'm so tired.
Every ounce of strength I build up
is consumed by my effort to
simply keep my head above water.

It's so hard to hold on.
I'm weak and the
bar is slippery,
the tide is strong.
There is very little more I can do.

So ill close my eyes,
and convince myself the fall won't hurt.


Friends for sale

A love that I have only ever
known half of
is perpetually in my presence.

Acceptance in its
truest form parades
through my space,
showing me warmth and confusion,
both accompanied by happiness and anguish.

I knew this half once,
only now I can see the whole picture
is supposed to look nothing like what I thought.

Apathy encased in heart strings and a soul tie
is what I knew.

You and yours have shown
me the other half.
Passion and caring on both sides.

The smallest drop of ink
can warp the frame
of an entire picture.


Mourning Dove

Beauty will always associate
itself with sadness
as death with light.

It makes sense,
as a child believes
forever in a day.

The uncomfortable beauty of a
mourning dove will from
this moment on be set in
stone as a master craftsmen
of anguish and despair.

You forced my eyes upon
the ravishing best,
and undoubtedly forced my body and
soul to be deaf.

Distinguishing between
beauty and death now
is an un-accomplishable task.

Your work is now complete.
Go and mold another wad of clay Jessabelle.

I have felt your shots my mourning dove.

Let my memory wash from
your worries.

My memories will smear
on the page.
You are gone,
I am gone,
in two pages.

The mourning dove is still around,
forcing my mind to its beauty,
and the tears from my eyes.


Tears Beneath a Church Pew

All the members of our generations
gone now,
at least all of those I looked too.
Now all that is left is
those of us that got lost
along the way trying to
be as good men and
fathers as you.

Through all the shared stories
and sobs, I'm brought back
to the stories of your brothers funeral.

I always assumed that our half
of the family had it worse
until I put the pieces
all in front of my eyes.

Looking at your grandchildren,
the pain in their eyes,
hiding behind the smiles.
I realized both sides
have their pain.
Both sides have their love
and strength.
Both sides have
their memories from when
they were still one family.

Those of us lost along the way
will each take
different actions trying
to keep ourselves awake
and laying foundation for our sons.


The Longing

The grass waves to me,
blowing in the
summer breeze.
Memories frolic and
dance out of the surrounding
foliage singing to me
a message of tender love
and appreciation.

The season of the
brutality and pain that is to come
has arrived.
I hold both hands out,
patiently waiting for the
longing to subside
and my freedom to
be replenished to my
unforgiving and unworthy mind.


Whitetail

Women are a breed
unlike any other.
They will take your heart
by the strings and work
it like a puppet,
simply to see you squirm.

But at the same time,
they can show you the
kind of attention,
kindness, desire and comfort
you always hoped for
but never truly believed
was real.

When they are not clawing
at your throat without intent,
they can claim themselves
as yours and speed
you on the track
to contemptment

If you are patient enough
a woman can make you
the man you want to be.


What Is Left Behind

The thought clenching my eyes
has finally sunken in and
gripped it's slimy claws
around my soul.

The defeat I have suffered
has given death it's victory,
and my soul the anguish.

I fill each born page
with the gift of life
as the birth of each word
severs one more small thread
of life, still holding on.

This page, with all of its life,
will one day take
all that I have left.

The words you read,
either aloud or to yourself
will be my haunting.


As the Alarm Clock Dings

I wonder what it would take
to close my eyes and sleep through
all these years of hardship.

When I would wake,
would I be in your arms?
With someone else?
Alone?

I would sleep for as long as it would take
if I could wake up in your arms.

I would skip all the fun and adventures
in this young life if it meant I could
hold you and look into your eyes again,
even for just a moment.

I would give up every imaginable
earthly desire I will ever have
if my actions could bring you back to me.

If a minute is too much to ask,
I would gladly settle for a moment.


Your Mask Is Laughing

Why are we the most honest with
the people we don't know?

The people who I've loved and trusted for years
don't always hear the whole story.

Yet within the first day of meeting someone,
I can express to them every feeling and
hold nothing back.

This isn't love,
this isn't even trust.
I think it may be freedom.

Freedom to not care if you're going to
love or trust me any less after I pour it all out.

There is still no trust,
but stranger,
I love you,
and you know nothing but the truth.


Enough

When is it going to end?
What will be the last remnant of my being
finally taken away?

When you first took my heart,
I was happy.
But when you stole it
and wouldn't give it back,
it ruined that much of me.

And now, without knowing I assume,
you have stolen my sleep.
I cannot go a minute without thinking of you.

Every night when I lay down my head,
the "what if 's" and "maybe's" run through my head.
You make it impossible to sleep.
I don't know what to do.

So from now on the only thing I can do
is continue to wonder.

When will the last piece of my being
be robbed from my sound mind?

Please do it quickly.


Regression

Throughout my life,
my whole entire life,
I wasn't worried about my future until
I started to really think about it.

My future was always laid out before me,
like cut pieces of magazines ready to be
glued together.

It was laid out, scrambled.
None of the pieces fit together,
and that was exactly how I wanted it.
Everything could work out fine, that was my philosophy.
I never worried about a thing.

Then you came along and opened my eyes
to the endless different roads you could take
to get through life.
It made me worry.
Worry about what I would do, and how.

But you, you were always my anchor.
I didn't know what route I would take or
how I would go about doing it,
but that gave me hope for excitement.
I knew I would always have you,
so I didn't worry about the future.

But then you left,
said you were done.
So I gave up on everything.
My anchor's chain broke and now just sits
at the bottom of the sea.

The once lush garden of my heart
has been cursed with plague and drought
and now only houses the dead roots of
beautiful plants that once were.

So now I'm back to my old philosophy,
I worry of nothing,
because nothing is going to happen.


The Death Of All Men

I had fallen for the same
trap every other sailor had.
Bluntly ignoring every
warning and every
piece of guidance offered.

The siren had disguised
herself as beauty.
A mermaid.
Flowing hair, green eyes,
the downfall of any man.
Beauty used to distract from
every underlying topic.

The death of all men,
a siren posing in the sun.
Blinding light radiating
to my eyes proving love.

The death of all men.
Peace in lonliness,
ecstasy in groups, the
death of all men.


Sunsets in Arizona

There is a burning,
so deep inside my soul
I cannot begin to retrieve it.

A longing so justifiable
that I resent it.

A fatal flaw in my being.
The answers frolic and
dance around me,
but they will never let me catch up.

Pain and frustration is built
off of this pulling.
Connected by an elastic band
stretched across the country.
It won't snap I know,
but it needs to come
back home.


Silly Walks

Your reign is over.
Your quest is finished.
Success is determined by
either side's opinion.

My side is pure guess work.

I realize now you cared none.
If you did,
you have worse problems.

Yet,
for some unknown reason,
I have hope.

I know the truth,
it hurts.
But I hope that you cared
and there really was no time.

I can't keep lying to myself.

In this case, the defeated
decides the opinion.

The victory belongs to you.
You will go on to do great things,
you will find a man strong enough
to hold up your heart.


I will stay here,
live out my life,
carve a coffin out of a pine trunk.

I will not work towards it,
but live for it.

You live for your capital.

Watch it destroy what dreams you
may or may not have had for us.

Your reign of lies is over.
You no longer dictate my thoughts and actions.

You fed my eyes words of
anger, distrust and apathy.

My scars will be buried in your hope.


Shakes of Love Past

My gesture of kindness left you
freedom, a smile, and
thoughts I will never know.

My gesture brought me
shakes of love past.
Singular.

My legs, forbidding me to
escape this entrapment
of steel and plastic.

I shake and sweat for a moment
before realizing
this hope I'm searching for has been gone a long time.
Still nothing has changed.

I exit my ship and
continue down this foggy road
that promises me
nothing except fame in defeat.


Recess

No one is famiiar.
My closest friends are strangers
to my mind that is
once again callused.

This, felt for an instant,
then back to the cage where
I will surely spend my eternity.

I am the white elephant you locked up.
Poke and prod with your spear
as you always have.

Regret is my cage.
Your memory is my torture.
The pain,
is all mine.


Coin Purse

You all conspired together
at such a time
that my once malleable body
has been pounded and wedged
past the point of no return.

I now lay awake at night
as a callus made to serve no purpose
that will chafe if asked to do otherwise.

I don't blame you,
but it's all your fault.

All of it.


A Paper Cross

Woe is this poor existence.
Its purpose is as unseen as a plague
that engulfs the populace
like an eagle catching the clueless fish.

It is unseen to us,
dependent only on the point of view.
As the ink bleeds into paper,
the unknown flows through my veins.

The side that you have not heard
is the truth.
Possibly not your truth,
but nevertheless truth.

All is truth.
Truth is all.

To find it,
you must simply speak.
Your words are truth.
Your actions are truth.
You must do as your heart desires.
This is the only way to discover your truth.