Reflections Of My Thoughts depicts a woman who is torn between her flesh, her spirit, and her underlying desire for freedom, strength, and the ability to dream again, represented by the unicorn, in whatever form it may be. However, her questions and desire for understanding who she believes she is with where she is in life ultimately lead her on a spiritual journey. It is an attempt to articulate the challenges that she faces with her flesh such as jealousy, lust, anger, true friendship, self-imagery, and faith. This is a story of a woman who learns that her ability to persevere through challenges, her real freedom, strength, ability to dream, and ultimately her identity comes not from her, rather, Jesus Christ who has sustained her even when she didn't realize or acknowledge He existed.

Reflections Of My Thoughts

I used to believe in unicorns ... and I still do.By Shaneen A. Harris

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2011 Shaneen A. Harris
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4685-3119-0

Contents

Chapter One

Flesh

Romans 7:14, 15, 18, 19

We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do ... For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.

I Used to Believe in Unicorns

I used to believe in unicorns Life full of mystery, magic, and dreams I once believed in unicorns Life was simple At least so it seemed I believed in a unicorn

Mighty, swift, majestic, taking flight I believed in a unicorn Peaceful, just right I once believed in unicorns Yes, even me I once believed in unicorns Before I was who you now see I used to believe in unicorns And all the strength, will, and beauty they possessed I used to believe in unicorns Yes, me Me who is now tainted by time Diminished I guess I, yes, even I believed in unicorns soaring high to the horizons across the sea I once believed in a unicorn That unicorn was me.

Self Analysis

I wouldn't say I'm perfect or that I even come close I probably mess up more than enough, more often than most I wouldn't say I'm completely honest Only, I truly try What I can say is my heart is truly good inside I never try to deceive or intentionally cause pain I would never just do that ... (Or would I?) I'm not good all the time Oh, but I try All I know is my heart is truly good inside.

Beauty

Beauty
Skin-deep or deep in the skin?
Is it in our soul or in our flesh?
Is it our attitude, our compassion, or our disgust?
Is it the sashay of our hips or the lusciousness of our thighs?
Is it the flowing of our hair or the glow of our cheeks?
Is it the curves of our bosom or the flex of our calves?
Or, is it the warmth of our heart,
the love in our eyes,
the dance in our laughter,
and the dew of our shared sorrow?
Is it the joy of our souls?
Is it the tickle of shared breath?
I know not if it be the former or the latter.
But, my desire is the latter.

    Confession

    How foolish of me to bare my sin
    To wear it on my chest as if a Scarlet Letter
    To share it with brethren in hopes of physical boundaries for a mental
    sin, mental boundaries for that which is physical
    Oh, to have kept it a secret would have been much simpler
    For then, I would not be subject to the whims of men
    Rather, to the mercy of God
    How naive?

    "Confess your sins one to another"
    Was this truly written by one who had experienced sin and knew the
    flaws of fellow man and still chose to subject himself to such tyranny?
    Me think not

    My mind has healed.

    My body tempted no more.

    My God has forgiven

    But, my sin lives on in men

    Shhhhh ... my love.
    Quiet.
    Bare your burden silently.
    Alone.
    Confess it not to human ears.

    Lest, you never will be truly free.


    Painted Destinations

    Standing in the painted heat
    Mind intoxicated with fatigue
    Sweat dances on my body
    Nothing, sulfur's intensity can relieve
    Horns of hurried lives
    Shouts of motivation
    Everyone standing still
    Yet, blindly running to his destination
    Standing intoxicated
    Dancing with sulfur
    Life's destination driven blindly by its motivation


    Call Me Human

    Are you black?
    Are you white?
    Are you stupid?
    Are you bright?
    Are you witty?
    Are you shy?
    Are you a girl?
    Are you a guy?
    Who are you?

    I am neither black nor white?
    I am neither stupid nor bright?
    I am neither witty nor shy?
    I am neither girl nor guy?
    I am human plain and simple.
    And, that is how I should be remembered.

    Don't call me black.
    Don't call me white.
    Don't call me stupid.
    Don't call me bright.
    Don't call me witty.
    Don't call me shy.
    Don't call me a girl.
    Don't call me a guy.

    Call me HUMAN!


        Jealousy

    A rage in my heart festering. rooted. deep
    It's a poisoning pain ... Jealousy
    It eats at my spirit
    Withers my flesh
    Destructive to my nature
    Kills all else
    Makes a mind anger
    Makes a heart ache
    Makes a body long
    Inner self ... it makes you hate
    Constantly in your eyes
    Forever in your soul
    Forever uneasy ... nothing can console
    A rage in my heart festering. rooted. deep
    It's a poisoning pain ... Jealousy
    Security ... lost
    Confidence ... shaken
    Trueness to self ... now forsaken
    Bitterness in my thoughts
    Salt in my mouth
    Dryness in my throat
    Waterless. Drought
    Forever the sin the soul must bare
    It rages my heart
    Festering. Rooted. Deep
    Hate those you love
    Love those you hate
    It's a poisoning pain
    Hate the one who is best
    Love all the rest ... Jealousy


    Simple Wish

    There are so many faces
    Looking with blank stares
    Trying to look around me
    But, can't because I am everywhere
    Rarely a hello or even a good-bye
    Not even a wince of conversation
    Most, won't even try
    What is it they see that keeps them at a distance?
    What is it they feel that they try to ignore my existence?
    I only want what is innate to human nature
    To feel like I belong and have someone to relate to
    But, the cycle of penniless unrest continues
    Is this my fate? My lot? My call?
    To exist in a world that I don't exist at all?
    In a vessel S.S. by name
    In a culture ... unfamiliar? Untamed?
    Peace I seek
    That infallible serenity
    Cool water over my face on a hot summer's day
    A gentle breeze blowing through my hair in fall
    It's a simple wish
    At least I thought
    To exist in a world that I don't exist at all


        Waking Bell

    I came to you at the stroke of midnight
    You answered and let me in
    My heart began to race at the sight of you
    My pulse quickened
    As my head rests on your shoulder, your arms wrapped around me, I
    am calm, devoid of anything but we two
    But, I am wanting
    I am wanting to taste you
    To feel your lips safely caress mine
    To take you in
    I try to kiss you slowly
    But, I cannot
    If I don't take all of you now, I may not have another chance
    Take all now as tomorrow does not exist
    Kissing you ... Caressing me
    I know what to do ... you are familiar
    My body knows yours and yours mine
    Wait! Don't take my will from me!
    It is all that keeps the barrier between submission and surrender!
    Reason and insanity
    You take it ...
    The more I resist ... the more you take
    Yet, I allow it
    Billows of your flesh engross me replacing mine with yours
    Conforming my temple into your sanctuary
    I want it ... Need it ... Then ...
    Just as I yield to climacteric serendipity the sun shines on my face
    The waking bell resonates
    I wake to the reality of what is


        Sunshine

    Sunshine smile on my face
    Sunshine brightens any place
    Sunshine warm and true
    Sunshine I miss you
    It's only been raining for a few days
    But, it seems like an eternity when you are gone away
    How can one thing change another so much?
    Sunshine I miss your warming amber touch
    Sunshine smile on my face
    Sunshine brightens any place
    Sunshine warm and true
    Sunshine I love you


        A Tardy Dream

    I had a dream,
    a fearful dream.
    Someone dear to me had passed.
    I had a dream,
    an enlightening dream.
    My heart revealed to me at last.
    I had a dream,
    a tardy dream.
    Now, my heart I've lost.
    I had a dream,
    an aching dream.
    Oh, what reality too late does cost.


        Day/Night Dream

    Sweet kisses moist like dew.
    A sweet melody that plays the minute I'm near you.
    Warm lips caress my skin.
    Such soft harmonies within.
    My body quivers.
    No, it moans.
    Wait, it tickles.
    Now, it groans.
    All soft ... wait ... gentle.
    Anticipation.
    Wanting.
    Desire.
    Please, release me!
    Go deeper! Go higher!
    Let the gates of passion overflow.
    Moistening our bodies as we surrender.
    Let go. I want to scream.
    Make a joyful noise.
    But, my voice is lost in ecstasy and can't be found.
    Only soft quivers.
    Sweet moans.
    Gentle tickles.
    Melodious groans.
    Wait! Please don't go!
    Touch me. Join me once again in a rhythmic flow.
    Please, release me!
    I want to scream.
    Then, I realize.
    It was a Day/ Night dream.


        Nemesis

    Two friends exploring possibility, practicality, rather potential
    The practical way there could ever possibly be any true potential for the erotic
    emanating between the two

    Tantalizing touch
    Rich and transcending
    Deep and subtle like warm silky chocolate melting on the tongue
    Potential for love that transcends time
    Making the body forever a newborn babe longing for a single touch
    Always wanting ...
    Never satisfied
    Forever missing the fountain it flows from continually coming back for more
    Chaotic
    Un-controllable
    Destructive love without course only a journey
    That is the potential of the benefits of love in friendship

    Yet,
    Friendship and not even love can describe the cataclysm of feelings,
    the un-clarity, the anoesis that threatens our parity
    For love and friendship are purer ...
    simpler.

    Ahhh, but addiction ...
    addiction is their nemesis
    as you ... are ... mine


        Floor Number 9

    Stepped on an elevator heading to floor 9.
    I was at a conference having a good time!
    The elevator went up, then it opened the door.
    I noticed, ok, we on floor number 4.
    That was when, ole' girl stepped in.
    She seemed pretty cool,
    real cute, petite, not too thin.
    She asked me "how you doin'?"
    I responded "fine."
    And I was! I had already had a few glasses of wine!
    We started talking as the elevator crawled past floor 5 to 6.
    That's when I started thinking ... somethin' ain't right with this chick.
    But, I shrugged it off as we passed floor 7 to 8
    blamin' it on my intoxicated state.
    But, then as we approached floor number 9,
    she asked "you mind if we hang sometime?"
    I admit I was a little curious at her demeanor by then.
    So, I rode on up with her to floor number 10!
    The elevator road higher a long while before any more stops.
    That's when I saw her eyes licking me over from the bottom to the top!
    Her eyes were smilin' her lips were too.
    I'm nervous. But, I'm thinkin', we in an elevator what the hell she gone do?
    The elevator is movin' slowly approachin' floor 11 almost at number 10.
    I think, no problem, I'll just get off then!
    Y'all then the woman told me I looked tasty and fine!
    Damn! Why didn't I get off at floor number 9?
    Now, reality is really settin' in.
    And, it seem like we ain't moved.
    The doors shut.
    And, we still on floor 10!
    Finally, up we go, elevator stops, doors fly open, I dash for the door!
    Then she said "Oh this is my floor."
    At that moment, I stepped back in.
    I said "oops, my bad, I'm on floor number 10."
    What the hell? She gets back in!
    Now, I gotta ride with her down to floor number 10!
    Finally, I said
    "Look, I don't know where you come from or where you've been, but my
    interest are strictly and only in men."
    She said "how do you know if you like what you've never had?"
    "Chick look! I ain't never met a man that bad!
    Look, you seem real cool, but, I ain't interested and gotta go.
    And, we really ain't havin' this conversation no mo'"
    Just then,
    I was thankful.
    The elevator came to a grind.
    Without stopping or looking behind,
    I hurried the hell off at floor number 9.

Insanity or Friendship
I have been a friend.
Given my all to those who don't appreciate ...
are incapable of reciprocating back that which I have given to them.
This is a familiar place.
I've been here before.
Seeing the same things.
Experiencing the same emotions,
over and over and over again.
Would one call that insanity or naivety?

Friendship is the veil that justifies it all.
My choosing over being chosen.
Loving over being loved.
But, is it really love?
Philios?
Agape?
Is the compassion and concern really there?
Will they weep when I weep?
Celebrate while I do the same?
My heart tells me no.

This is friendship of circumstance.
Shallow at most.
Is the expectation too great?
Un-realistic?
Is it they that need change or my perception of them?
A temporal friendship still seasons life as long as it maintains its saltiness.

I'm wanting of friendship.
Close, intimate friends.
Friends who love me.
Who enjoy me.
Who share with me.

Friends who can see me vulnerable or strong.
Able to digest both weakness and strength.
Strength and weakness.

Rejoicing! Weeping! Grieving! Celebrating!
Only at the appointed time.
Is reciprocity possible?
Should it be expected?
Would one call that insanity?
Or would one call it friendship?


Simple Love Poem

I love an image that isn't there.
I gave my heart to one that doesn't care.
In the shadows can be one who is true.
In the game of love.
Where is the answer?
What do I do?

        Freshness

    Crisp like morning dew
    My thoughts the day I first met you
    Handsome. Fine. So much to be desired
    One small glimpse, and you set my heart on fire
    Far away, yet so very near
    No matter the distance, a rose is always clear
    Refreshing like morning rain
    Washing away the thorns of history's pain

    "Can I hold you in my arms?"
    "Will you be my Teddy Bear?"
    Knowing you think of me is enough
    Even if you're not really there
    Just a smile, a wink
    Your simple hello
    Each word penetrates my bones ... resonates ... bellows
    Ringing out a blithe and passionate hymn
    Nothing, pale, morbid, or dim
    Pulsating like dancing lights
    Taking the enchanted to new exotic heights
    Seeing rainbows, stars, and rushing streams
    You are a reflection of what I've imagined in dreams
    Crisp like morning dew
    My thoughts the day I first met you


        Mysterious

    A mystery
    How you do what you do to me
    Without trying
    Without wanting
    You captivate me
    Draw me in
    Entice me
    A song dancing in my heart
    My mind overflowing in melody
    How do you do it to me?
    How you arouse my loins
    Tingle my breast
    Caress my lips with just a thought
    Mmmm. Pure ecstasy and satisfaction
    Pure elation
    Endless
    An endless mystery
    How do you do what you do to me?
    Provoke thought, desire, and anticipation
    Make me want to climb mountains
    Soar open skies
    Swim vast oceans
    Invincible is what I feel at your very thought
    Singing, dancing, laughter, wrapped in pain
    Pain, sorrow, longing, wrapped in joy
    All tangled in this endless mystery
    I ... call ... you ...


    a kiss

    so endearing ... intimate
    subtle and sweet
    ferocious, hot, bitter
    all consuming

    it's meadows of butterflies and lilies
    it's rocks and cliffs
    it's crashing waves and still waters
    it's fire engine red and baby blue
    it's ... simply

    i want you ... i need you ... i love you

    what else can invoke such a response from so inconspicuous an act?

    sex? no! sex loses its seductiveness in its promiscuity
    its gentleness in another's needs
    its sweetness in another's resentment
    its intimacy in its obligation

    only a kiss stands true to heart and mind, body and soul
    only a kiss can wrap you in ambers of sensuality
    without burning to the touch
    only a kiss can send ripples and waves
    from a mere thought of caress

    no, sex has not the power ... only reaping of the benefits

    the trueness,
    the oneness is always held in ...
    the kiss


        Momma's Moan

    Lawd! Sweet Lawd!
    Hear mother moan?
    Mercy, my Jesus! My sweet child is gone!

    Father, Heavenly Father
    Hear mother groan?
    Why? Dear Jesus why is my child gone?

    Too many mothers cryin' Lord.
    Can't you hear their moans?
    Too many mothers whalin' over sweet babies gone.

    Young brother. Young sister. Leave the Evil alone.
    You can't win against the Lord of Sin.
    Keep playin' and you too will be gone.

    Dem sounz. Dem moanin' sounz
    Lord! Dear sweet mercy Jesus! Send blessed peace down.
    "Pleaz massa turn de pain uh roun. My po heart can't hanle
    anoder siren soun.

    Firss my brudder. Now muh chile.
    Lawd, I be the only unfant lef afta while."

    Lord them dem sounds. Dem' whalin' sounds
    Dear sweet mercy Jesus. Send blessed peace down.

    Too many mothers cryin'. Can't you hear their moans?
    Too many mothers weepin' over sweet babies too soon gone.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Reflections Of My Thoughtsby Shaneen A. Harris Copyright © 2011 by Shaneen A. Harris. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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