It all began on that October day

The waters stilled,

The leaves refused to sway,

Clocks stopped upon the wall,

A beating heart forever quiet,

A tired body put to rest,

Hearts broken - left behind.

An onward journey I must take,

For I stilled lived and I still breathed.

The fight is on, the climb is high,

I shall reach the summit by-and by . . .

Journey with me through the days of still waters, experience the joy as I travel to Alaska and view the

lofty mountain top of Mt. McKinley and onward as I encounter thrills and heartaches before finding love

once more in the land of sagebrush and sand in Southeastern of Colorado.

Reflections

A Poetic Journey of Thoughts from the HeartBy Doris Pierce Neuhold

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2011 Doris Pierce Neuhold
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4520-9405-2

Contents

Part One In the Beginning ............................1Part Two Prayers And Inspirations.....................33Part Three Friends....................................47Part Four Family......................................67Part Five Inspired by Nature..........................91Part Six Rambling Thoughts............................107Part Seven Pretense & Nonsense........................137Part Eight Searching for Love.........................145Part Nine Tributes and Memories.......................167Part Ten My Epitaph...................................193

Chapter One

In the Beginning ...

I began writing poetry shortly after my husband died in 1996. I called these writings Heart Thoughts. Very few of my first poems were happy ones. I was struggling to overcome the grief and loneliness that filled my every waking moment and every fiber of my inner being. My daily prayer was, "Lord, take away this sadness."

I wrote these few lines during the time of my deepest grief, when I didn't have words to describe my feelings. I am speaking of time in a way I couldn't understand. Seemingly time stood still, moments, hours, days and thoughts jumbled together, none of it made sense.

Still Waters
It flows but doesn't move,
Moves but doesn't flow,
Suspended in time forever more ...
Never stagnant,
Always fresh and renewed
Never silent
Flowing gently into time ...

As the months went by, I could see a change in the way I wrote. A feeling of peace and healing was taking place. I realized, I had been drifting along as if I were in still waters going nowhere. I knew my future happiness was up to me. This moment in time is all we have; everything else is in the past. I chose to rebuild a life of happiness and to try to live it to the fullest.

The following pages are an inspirational journey of my life through the next several years.

It all began on that October day
The waters stilled,
The leaves refused to sway,
Clocks stopped upon the wall,
A beating heart forever quiet,
A tired body put to rest,
Hearts broken – left behind.

An onward journey I must take,
For I still live and I still breathe.
The fight is on, the climb is high,
I shall reach the summit by and by ...

Journey with me through the days of still waters,
experience the joy as I travel to Alaska and view the
lofty mountain top of Mt. McKinley and onward as I
encounter thrills and heartaches before finding love
once more in the land of sagebrush and
sand in Southeastern Colorado.


    Dreams

    Where do dreams live –
    They live within the now,
    Not in the past that's already gone,
    Not in the future that may never be,
    Dreams are the now, not in the making.

    October 1996


    Future

    What the future holds I will accept,
    Not always gladly but with the Master's help.
    There are peaks and valleys, I must climb.
    I will do so, one step at a time.


    Tears

    Tonight I cried for all the things that will never be.
    I am going to pack away my tears;
    It seems time to me.
    I am packing away my tears in a box,
    I am putting on a lid, one that locks.
    If I lock away the tears in a box,
    No one can touch them; there they will remain.
    If I ever need them, they are safe and secure.
    But for now I am locking them away in a box,
    And putting on a lid, one that locks.

    Nov. /Dec. 1996


    More Tears

    I put all my unshed tears inside a box,
    Closed the lid and locked it tight.
    I planned to keep them all out of sight.
    It worked for a little while,
    And then –
    The songs and the festivities of the season,
    Opened them up once more.
    Who unlocked the box ...
    Did the Lord see the need for more tears
    ... Or is he grieving with me?

    December 18, 1996


    A Lonely Christmas Tree

    A lonely Christmas tree set on a stand
    With only two small presents under it.
    We had dreamed of Christmas this year,
    In our new home.
    We planned on a fire in the fireplace, a
    Mantle with stockings, children laughing
    And much celebrating.

    December, 1996


         Memories

    I took a walk down memory lane.
    I went to places I should not have gone
    For memory lane has too many places,
    Too many turns.


    Good Morning Sunshine

    Good morning Sunshine!
    I can hear you now,
    While grumpy me, grunts out a sound.
    He's up and at-um, all ready to go,
    I'm drinking coffee and moving rather slow.
    Two different dispositions ... one heart one mind.


    Heart Thoughts

    I am thankful for
      God in heaven.
    The fact that God cares for me,
      Even though I feel so alone
    I am never alone.
      I am thankful for
    The sun rising over the lake,
      How beautiful
    The wind rustling through the trees
    Fallen leaves
      The house we built together, the comfort
    Of home,
    Good neighbors, good friends, memories of you
    Knowing someday soon
    I can think of you and not feel so sad.

    January 1997


    The tears fall ...

    It hurts to cry.
    It hurts to be so unhappy

    The Lord says,
    Be not afraid I am with you.

    I am not afraid,
    Just sad

    Please stop the tears,
    Stop the sadness

    And please,
    Stop the loneliness.


    Shattered Dreams

    Where do dreams live ...
         They live within the now
    Not in the past that has already gone,
        Nor In the future that may never be
    Dreams are the now ...
        Not in the making.

    Where do dreams live ...
        They live within the moment
    Not in the yesterdays that are behind us,
    Not in the tomorrows that may never exist
        Dreams are the now.

    Where do dreams go when they die,
        When there are no tomorrows only yesterdays,
    Do you curl up within yourself,
        Do you cease to exist ...
    Where are the tomorrows?
    The Bible says, live just today.
        I don't like today.
    The memories are too sad,
        The tomorrows, too, distant.
    When will I remember the yesterdays and be happy
        When - When ...


    Milestones and Bridges

    Milestones and bridges,
    Too many to cross,
    How many are there to remind me of your loss.
    So many reminders when I tried to forget.
    On the six-month anniversary, I took a test
    Your birthday a reminder – no will to contest
    Just a note from the courts – deceased intestate.
    Each milestone a bridge I've crossed,
    However, to have you with me, I would count all
    This as loss.

    April 15, 1997


Heart Thoughts

If tears are healing, why aren't I healed?
After a while I was tired of crying and fought
to control my tears with every fiber of my body.
Usually the tears controlled me instead as
my emotions seemed beyond my grasp.
One way I fought them was to sing. My
favorite was Here Comes Peter Cotton Tail.
It is hard to sing and cry.


    Letting Go

    Letting go, letting go,
    There are so many things that I must let go,
    All the yesterdays, all the dreams,
    All my favorite things,
    Letting go, letting go,
    It's so hard to keep letting go.

    The seasons change, all nature renews,
    Letting go of the past, letting go of you.
    Our season ended, my winter has begun.
    Letting go, letting go,
    The dark days of misery have taken spring's place,
    Our sunrises and sunsets have all slipped away,
    The gray days of winter have replaced them in-
    stead.

    Letting go ... letting go ..
    The cold days of winter quickly will pass,
    Another reminder not all things will last.
    Letting go, letting go, my heart says no,
    Don't rush the seasons, don't rush the heart,
    Letting go of the past, letting go, letting go.

    It's springtime at last,
    Nature has awakened the things of the earth,
    The trees are budding; green plants burst forth,
    Letting go of the winter, nurturing my soul.
    I must be as wild flowers, fragrant and free,
    Bursting forth after the winter with beauty and
    Grace.
    Letting go ... letting go ...

    May 21, 1997
    Thinking of all the things I`ve already let go,
    knowing soon I will have to let go of my house.
    I am not ready for the final letting go ... not yet.


    Thanks for putting a smile on my face to cover the tears in
    my eyes.

    A clean closet floor with my shoes all lined in a row.

    Simple things, simple ways to say I love you.

    A Heartfelt thanks to my daughter.


    Springtime of Life

    This is the springtime of my life,
    Time for fresh new beginnings, fresh starts,
    A time for letting go.
    The winter past is slowly ending.
    Springtime of now is settling in.
    I choose the winter, for I was content,
    Nature was telling me, my new life must begin.

    My heart must be as springtime,
    Its beauty to unfold anew.
    Nature is telling me it's time to let go.
    Time for fresh new memories,
    New mornings, new sunsets, new dreams.
    The winter has passed,
    That season is over.
    Welcome spring.

    1997
    Spring reminded me so assuredly that seasons and things change and
    we must slowly unfold into the beauty of the new season and welcome
    the challenges ahead.


Silence

Silence beckoning through the house,
Echoing off the walls,
Silence greeting me at the door.
I hear silence speaking
Telling me you're here no more.

    May 1997


    Time Heals and Minds Change

    This started out to be a book of grief as you
    Can see, but through the days and through the
    Weeks it's turned into a book of recovery.

    There's a beckoning call that I must heed
    Someone on earth may have need of me.
    I will take the upward climb to victory
    Although it's a lonely road for me right now.

    May 7, 1997


    A Time to be Free

    When it was time to set me free-

    He gently placed me on the ground

    And stayed nearby until my footing,
    I found.

    My trust restored, my faith renewed,

    The wounds are healed.

    The scars are deep.

    May 16, 1997


    JUST FOR TODAY

    Good morning God, it's a beautiful day,
    The sun is rising across the bay,
    The birds are singing, saying welcome to the morn.
    The lake is peaceful,
    Shimmering with sunbeams of light.
    My heart is filled with thoughts ...
    Not quite so confused and jumbled as before.
    It, too, is stilled, waiting in the morning quiet
    For God to carry out its plight.
    His master plan I do not know, but God is the keeper of
    My soul.
    So I wait in peace, until the time is right,
    Then He will set in motion His guiding light.
    Please come with me on this journey,
    The path's not rocky just a little stormy.
    God is building a bridge across the way to secure my
    Route if only I pray.
    Lord, I thank you for this day,
    Help me to make it better than yesterday.
    Just for today.

    1997
    Early one morning, watching the sun rise across the lake


    Memorial Day

    A day to remember
    As if I could ever forget.

    Memories stamped upon my heart
        Memories too many to forget.

    Memories too painful to let surface,
    Just yet.

    Memories ... so many
    Yet ... not enough.

    The grand times, the sad times,
    Too painful to remember ...

    Too hard to forget.

    In remembrance,
    May, 1997


    The Day Before Moving

    Thank you God for all the days and all the nights,
    The sunrises and sunsets,
    The rain, dew, green grass of spring,
    The crackling brown leaves in the fall.
    Thank you, God, for everything we experienced together.
    I will miss the sun rising over the lake,
    Squirrels rushing around, playing in the trees,
    Turtles eating watermelon rind,
    The snake slithering up the tree going from branch to branch,
    The wide-open sky at night with twinkling stars ever so bright,
    The full moon cascading over the lake,
    Making golden waves in the gentle breeze.

    Thank you for allowing us to dream this dream,
    For allowing Jim to complete his dream of standing in this house,
    The house he had built with his own two hands,
    For the years together,
    For this past year and the time spent in close companionship,
    For our dates, the arguments, the many trips to Home Depot,
    Friday's together, the trips to the Laundromats -
    This made me so thankful for a washer and dryer,
    The hot, cold, wind, rain and most of all
    The satisfaction of knowing what we had gained.
    We knew when we began this chore the years would be few
    Just how few we did not know.
    Thank you God for withholding the future so we could enjoy to-
    day.
    Be with me Lord, as I say goodbye,
    Remind me Lord that you are by my side.
    Let me leave here now with joy and pride,
    And look to the future with eyes open wide.
    Seal my aching heart Lord,
    Calm my fears,
    Replace the tears with joy,
    The joy of new mornings, new sunsets,
    New homes, new friends.
    Give me peace and joy,
    Let me rejoice in the security known only in the Lord,
    Going forward without fear or panic,
    Quietly doing my daily duties.

    October 17, 1997


    Moving Day

    I closed the doors and left the keys.
    I brought only the memories along with me.
    The squirrels, the birds, the turtles all remain
    For without you, nothing will ever be the same.
    I left all behind when I closed the gate
    Knowing God has in mind a much better fate.
    I seek each day, my life to rebuild.
    God give me the wisdom to see the things you
    Have in store for me.

    October 1997


    Dear Lord

    Thank you Lord for giving me
    A time to grieve,
    A time to heal,
    A time to see what's really real,
    Help me now to go on my way
    Growing stronger every day.
    Let me leave the past where it belongs,
    And find a future that's mine alone.

    Somewhere out there, there's joy to be,
    Sunshine and flowers, just waiting for me,
    Friends and loved ones and my Master's hand,
    Leading me on to the Promised Land.
    Whatever the future holds, I will accept, not always
    Gladly, but with the master's help.
    There are peaks and valleys that I must climb,
    And I will do so, one day at a time.

    April 15, 1998


    Patience

    Patience come and sit with me,
    Lend me your strength, lend me your time.
    I'm in too big a hurry.
    I don't want to wait.
    Please, Patience, come to me before it's too late.
    I have no tomorrows; I've just today.
    So please, Patience
    Show me how to enjoy each moment of each precious
    Day.

    October 12, 1998


    Searching

    Where do I fit in dear Lord, oh where do I fit in,
    I have so few single friends, where do I begin,
    I'm not so old that I must stay inside
    Day after day oh where do I go from here?

    I don't want to spend my life cloistered away in widow's habits.
    What, oh what, do I do for fun?
    My married friends all say come along with me,
    But even they know with them I don't belong.

    Stay busy some say, keep your mind occupied;
    But even busy minds must rest after a while.
    So where, oh where, do I go for friends?
    Go to church you tell me, that's where Christians
    All go to pray. But you see, I've been there already, today.

    Please try to understand, I don't want your sympathy
    I only want a place to fit in.
    The children are all grown and settled down.
    I have no regrets; I just want my niche in life to be found.
    Where, oh where, do I fit in?

    September 1998

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Reflectionsby Doris Pierce Neuhold Copyright © 2011 by Doris Pierce Neuhold. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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