As Real As I Get' is filled with unadulterated emotion. Many of the selections have a much harder edge than the selections in C.S. Morrow's first book, 'Doshie Mae'. Reader Beware!
AS REAL AS I GET
By C.S. MORROWAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2009 C.S. MORROW
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4490-0236-7Contents
When I Think of You.....................1Last Night..............................2Slow Hustle.............................3Bruno and His Paper.....................4But.....................................5Retreat.................................6Time....................................7Scars...................................8Go Running..............................10Bad Terms...............................11Confirmation............................12Relentless..............................13Impenetrable............................14Life....................................15Injury..................................16One Way Love............................17Disbelief...............................18Instant Autumn..........................2011 Days.................................21Hoping to Find..........................22Deep Kiss...............................23Left Hanging............................24Good Cry................................25Reflection..............................26Blue....................................27Murder on my Mind.......................28As Real as I Get........................29Terror..................................30Dave....................................31Charles.................................32Few Minutes More........................33Classified..............................34Yearning................................35After Dark..............................36Kisses and Lies.........................38People Watching.........................39New Name................................40All I Know..............................41ICU.....................................42Afterthought............................43Separated...............................44Snapshot................................45Cotton sheets...........................46Signs...................................47So Sad..................................48Casual..................................49Recognize...............................50Keep the Funk...........................51The. End................................52
Chapter One
When I Think of You The taste of your lips on mine, then to have them flowing over my skin Keeps me tossin' and turnin' all night The scent of you, like perfume on my sheets, compels me to draw these sheets close and take long, deep breaths of you Your arms engulfing me as I slumber is what I want most The remembrance of the passion of your gentle touch-I'm longing to feel you tonight The feeling that nothing will ever hurt me makes me want you to stay and never leave For you to say you love me and mean it That's all I really want
Last Night
Last night I needed someone to hold me Needed to be near someone You were that one But do not think that There was anything more to it I have not forgiven you I have not forgotten The good or the bad I can not go back to that I can not go back to you But every now and then I need someone to hold me Need someone near You were that one
Slow Hustle 15 years is a long time to be hustlin' but that's what I've been doing staying up all night, sleeping all day never punching anybody's clock white collar crime, blue collar crime but I've never been collared never spent a single day in lock up I've been lucky that way For so long, I wanted to live a "normal" life Get a real job, a 9-5 I tried so many times but the streets pay so much better So I couldn't stay away from it All that money, all those women With all the money I've made hustlin' life should be good, now that I'm serious about going legit My money should be stacked One thing about hustlin'-money comes fast ... you spend it even faster because you know you can always earn it back you never really think about life AFTER the game I'm realizing now how hard it is to make it bills are piling up I can't just walk in the mall on the day the new Jordans come out and pick up a few pair I have to wait I have a budget now I'm trying to stay straight trying to leave the game before my luck goes bad but this shit's so hard contrary to what people say, you cancan stop the hustle but why would anyone want to? Bruno and His Paper Every Sunday 'round noon, sometimes later I hear a ring at my door Bruno's come for his paper If I don't answer If I try to ignore He'll ring again, maybe knock He's not leavin' 'til I come to the door $2 is all he wants on Sunday The next day only 1 He don't accept I.O.U. s You gotta pay upfront Don't come with silver or copper Bruno, he don't like loose change He'll take it if that's all you got 'Cause after all, he IS a businessman Bruno will keep his end of the deal As long as you keep yours Get your money right Saturday night Come Sunday, expect him at your door But I'm so tired of listening to you talk every other word is 'but' I know I need to stop doing this BUT.......... I thought about doing that BUT................. you have an excuse for everything nothing's ever your fault you are to be blamed for nothing it's all out of your control poor you you're so full of it you want the World and everyone in it to bend to your will you expect all kinds of concessions and exceptions certain restrictions always apply with you I don't know what cloud your head has been stuck in but you need to peak out long enough to get a glimpse of the real world the one with REAL people who have REAL problems the one where everyone struggles to get whatever it is they have until you realize and accept that nothing is owed to you and you don't deserve anymore than the rest of us you'll be nothing more than an excuse maker, an action-faker when you ought to be an action-taker
Retreat Whatever happened to that glow in your eyes The one you used to get when you saw me Whatever happened to the smiles, the laughter, the hopefulness? They use you They hurt you So badly that you've chosen to retreat from the World and all its trappings-including me It was hard for me to open up-but I grew to trust you-so I did it I opened up, I gave you my heart Gave you all my love All I ever did was give I would have given more but you didn't want it You didn't want it because you don't want me anymore You shut down You shut down and shut me out I don't really understand why You offer explanations and apologies but they don't help the hurt And they won't heal my heart Time I want to get away Run Fly Fade away everyone's in my ear I can't get a word in everyone wants, everyone needs, everyone says inside my head stirs a symphony of 'what ifs', 'whys' and 'probablys' I'm not sure of anything I don't pretend to be why is everyone looking to me for answers all I want right now is the one thing I don't have TIME Time to Think Time to Breathe Time to Pick Things Apart I have so much catching up to do I don't know if I ever will I don't know when or how to start I want to be happy, I want to find peace But what I want isn't really important, is it? Scars has life gotten you so down has it beaten you so that you've just given up? stopped trying? all your life you've been smothered by negativity hurt by those closest to you disappointed by those you've trusted most everyday will not be a good one everyone hurts sometimes but more of your days should be good than bad-are they? your joys should outshine your pains-do they? when I look in your eyes there's sadness constant sadness when you laugh, you smile-it never leaves you I can feel the heaviness and loneliness in your heart as if it were my own I wish there was some way I could fix it for you wish I could make you understand that you are so much more than better than so much greater than you believe you deserve the unconditional, undying love that you've been seeking all your life you deserve respect you deserve to be happy you CAN get all that you deserve, all that's due you believe me, you can all you have to do is try all you have to do is want it take that first step, then the next if you need me to walk with you, hold your hand-I will if you need me to help navigate-just ask but I will not force you I will not drag you, kicking and screaming I won't attempt to beat you down mentally until you submit You have to believe that you are deserving You have to believe that you will succeed You have to believe in happiness You have to want it You have to be ready You have to believe in yourself the way that I believe in you Do you believe?? Go Running I gave you all of me only for you to throw me a few scraps of you here and there whenever you felt like it you wanted to be The Man you wanted to be relied on and needed so when someone else would call on you, you'd go running your family, your friends, your ex- you'd go running money, a ride, a helping hand-whatever they needed you were right there mr. fix-it I don't need your money and I have my own car All I wanted was to feel SPECIAL I wanted to feel like I was important to you I needed someone to try and understand me to encourage me to love me always to love me unconditionally you went running away I would have done anything for you but you saw me as a threat because I had no pressing financial need-no tangible need you didn't think I needed you so the time you should have spent loving me was spent loving someone else I don't know how many there were and I don't know how long they lasted but it was never about me you were never about me it was all about you Bad Terms I still have visions of you and me Together but they're no longer romantic I see me slashing your tires raking my fingernails across your face sometimes I even think of knifing you you had no reason to hurt me you just did and I don't think you feel bad about it as much as I have loved you that's how much I hate you right now Confirmation you spent the first 4 years trying to get it and the next 6 coming back for more it only stopped when I brought it to an end you still kept asking right up until the day you walked to the altar I always thought you were no good now I know Bastard Relentless I didn't want to love you went so far as to tell you so you persisted your persistence was profitable you were able to slip into the most guarded part of me untied the strings holding my heart together then stood by while it fell to pieces while I fell to pieces you showed no care acted as if you did not know me I thought you were wooing me, choosing me you were actually using me, fooling me my disbelief was matched only by my devastation the Devil himself would have been more kind
Impenetrable Flowers will be thought of as a kind gesture not a symbol of affection Gifts will be just that-Gifts nothing should be read into it phone calls are ok but time spent must be limited sex without romance hugs, no kisses There's a fortress around my heart and the sentries never sleep I don't want to be in love Life every time I think I've found the answers every time I think I'm on the right path I crash into a brick wall or fall through thorny bushes sticks, stones ... they do indeed break bones and thorned words break hearts my scars are too numerous my confusion and frustration profound I'm ready to exit this intricate maze, this labyrinth we know as life I can't seem to get it right Injury To call at such odd hours-and never from your home You actually thought I was too stupid to know THAT was the Insult Today came the Injury-you married her 6 years 6 years of wanting 6 years of trying to understand you to end up with nothing alone we wouldn't have lasted, I'm sure of it so it's best you try with someone else but it stings a little, knowing that you thought so little of me cared so little that you didn't even consider the possibility One Way Love I waited all night long You never rang my phone I got no call from you I stood out in the snow You never showed Why do you do the things you do? For hours, I paced the floor You never rapped at my door I bought new shoes to wear Gun to my head In seconds, I'll be dead All because you never cared Disbelief it's so hard to accept I'm trying hard not to believe but I can't overlook the facts can't deny what I've seen the blood, the bodies, the victims such a horrifying scene the pain, suffering and sadness caused by someone who is incomprehensibly mean there've been no apologies or pleas for forgiveness by the perpetrator of these crimes not even a shameful eye cast down no remorse of any kind he is hated by all but one, feared by most- -he doesn't care this is the heaviest of all burdens A Killer's Mother must bear I do not know this person cuffed, shackled and guarded I do not know this man convicted of these charges I remember a sweet boy, a kind man Incapable of such cruelty Someone loved by all who knew him Someone loved most by me do I feel guilt or shame for his actions? I had no hand in his crimes. Do I disagree with the verdict He killed so he must die But know this ... I did not raise a killer..... Instant Autumn It was 85 degrees yesterday 90 the day before today my sweater and wool skirt are a must the mercury continues to drop today is a soup day a day to snuggle the cool days of Fall come too soon 11 Days December 10th I love you upon sight and you profess the same many times 'Thinkin' about you emails 'Whatcha' doin' phone calls long nights filled with secrets swapping lots of lovemaking 11 days straight what happened on the 21st? my heart is still full but there are no new messages in my inbox no matter how many times I log on no voice messages at home or on the cell I was wishing for a lifetime All I got was 11 days Hoping to Find All my life I've been looking hoping to find That Man the one who'd be my comfort my strength my inspiration I would have bet every remaining breath in my breast that it was you but your kisses became bitter and your touch turned icy all my life I've been looking hoping to find Deep Kiss Let it happen Fast, Slow Either numbing Fantastically Orgasmic Put all your passion into it Be Lost Left Hanging I was gonna give you kisses was gonna give you kisses and moans but you never called Good Cry I cry sometimes I know why sometimes I don't sadness, hurt, loneliness-it's all here I keep pushing it back until finally....... I stop trying my spirit gets crowded and I allow myself to feel the things I don't want to when it's all over I'm a little lighter I feel freer I let it go To make room for all the good things I know will come
Reflection so desperate for affection feeling lucky to get whatever you gave - no matter how little wanting more but not believing I had a right to expect it I was too busy being too afraid of being alone to realize that I knew you didn't care about me you saw me catch a glimpse from time to time but you never thought I'd see did you? I'm seeing the light that you tried so hard to extinguish and I've fallen madly in love with myself I deserve respect, peace and genuine joy every day of my Life I'm wonderful and beautiful Radiant, even worthy of so much more than you've ever given me Blue It's not nighttime but it's dark everything is still the sun is not bright the clouds are not white it's as if the whole world has been soaked in tar including me that's just how blue I am Murder on my Mind what do you do when murder is on your mind? do you pray to God that these feelings depart? but how can they when the source of such evil, the focus of your hatred is ever present should I ask for forgiveness? what's to forgive? I've done nothing wrong not yet maybe I'll just do it and be done with it no I will do it those who commit such crimes cannot be permitted to live I'm no exception we die together tonight
(Continues...)
Excerpted from AS REAL AS I GETby C.S. MORROW Copyright © 2009 by C.S. MORROW. Excerpted by permission.
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