America's children are joining-and quitting-youth sports in record numbers. If kids can't find the fun in an activity, they may try to find the way out. If an adult can't find the right tools, they may not know the right words to say or the right actions to take. In Raising Your Game, authors Ethan J. Skolnick and Dr. Andrea Corn present a guide adults can use to ensure the most enjoyable and enriching youth sports experience for a child. Through a combination of advice from more than 100 elite athletes and time-tested sports psychology concepts, Raising Your Game prompts parents to consider what really matters when it comes to their kids and sports. From LeBron James to Shannon Miller, Brandi Chastain to Jason Taylor, John Smoltz to Mary Joe Fernandez, Sanya Richards-Ross to Torii Hunter, athletes from across the sports spectrum discuss their setbacks and successes-what worked for them and what didn't. Raising Your Game discusses the types of guidance that can ignite inspiration and foster participation, practice, and progress, and which methods can create frustration and dejection. It shows the difference a supportive parent can make by showing up, showing interest and, at times, showing restraint"

Raising Your Game

Over 100 accomplished athletes help you guide your girls and boys through sportsBy Ethan J. Skolnick Andrea Corn

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2012 Winning Ties LLC
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4759-6087-7

Contents

Preface...............................................1Acknowledgments.......................................5Introduction: "It Was So Fun!"........................7Section 1: Why Sports Matter..........................13"The Work of Children"................................13"Outside Was the Thing"...............................17"A Much Greater Purpose"..............................22"About Being Fair"....................................30"Being Committed".....................................34"A Bonding Force".....................................38"Learn to Be Coachable"...............................42"It's about the Inconvenience"........................47Section 2: Why You Matter.............................57"My Biggest Inspiration"..............................57"Someone Was Behind Me"...............................68"Listen"..............................................79"Teach a Kid to Believe"..............................91"You Have to Have Failure"............................98Section 3: Why Limits Matter..........................113"A Delicate Balance"..................................113"Left up to Me".......................................120"Shut Up and Clap"....................................126"Winning Isn't Everything"............................135"The Best Possible Position"..........................143"So Specialized"......................................152"A Totally Different Perspective".....................166Index.................................................177

Chapter One

SECTION 1: Why Sports Matter

"The Work of Children"

Karrie Webb was like a lot of four-year-olds, with the most innocent of ambitions: spend time with Grandma and Grandpa.

Her grandparents spent many Sundays on the course, playing nine holes. So, with her plastic club and plastic ball, she would tag along, getting in plenty of whacks and whiffs at the little white ball, unless she got exhausted.

"My grandfather would put me on his back or on the trolley and pull me around the rest of the way," Webb said.

It was never hard to drag her back out there, even though the game was slow, her improvement even slower.

"I enjoyed it," she said.

That's all that really mattered to her at the time.

That's all that would matter to any child of that age.

It wasn't necessary, or even possible, for Karrie to comprehend how much those experiences would matter to her future. They would have mattered even if her future did not include a prosperous and decorated career in the sport, culminating with a spot in the World Golf Hall of Fame. They would have mattered in the way that play of all kinds can matter for every child—as a vehicle for physical, mental, and emotional growth, the kind of vehicle that you should endorse for a child even if you don't have a strong passion for sports.

"Golf has shaped who I am as a person," Webb said.

That is a role that all sorts of play can often, well, play. The relationship is bidirectional: Children can shape play according to their age and stage of development, as well as their interests and talents. In turn, play can shape children in more ways than anyone can imagine.

Golf offered Karrie an outlet for physical engagement, staying in shape, releasing energy, and developing her fine (small muscle) and gross (large muscle) motor skills.

It offered her a platform to problem-solve and experiment, to learn about herself as she was learning about this vast new environment. She was learning about colors as she searched for the right tee from which to start. She was learning math through counting strokes and gauging distances. She was learning about distinctions and differences, and that, in this unique environment, smaller numbers were better than bigger numbers, shorter grass was preferable to taller grass, and sand was something to be avoided, not explored with a shovel. She was learning to remember and apply what others showed her, from grip to stance to swing.

Further, golf offered Karrie an arena for emotional evolution. That component of play is more complicated and can take more time to reveal itself, but it is no less critical. Play presents numerous opportunities for a child to discover how to communicate and, in a best-case scenario and with the guidance of a caring other, adequately manage feelings. Karrie was learning how to move on to the next shot without letting the last bad one linger. She was learning etiquette: how to wait her turn, respect others, and follow rules. She was learning to find her own fun.

She was being a kid, come what may—and plenty of good came from it.

Play, after all, comes naturally to children. They are hardwired to do it. As Donald Winnicott, the noted British psychoanalyst during the middle of the twentieth century, wrote: "Play is literally the work of children." Every child tells his or her own story through it in its most innocent form and stage. Play is not really about victory. It is about discovery.

An infant's play begins passively through unspoken and spoken interactions with a caregiver, such as joyful gestures, exaggerated facial expressions, and soothing voice tones that engage the senses through imitation and repetition. The activity becomes more physically complex as a toddler enters early childhood, gaining greater awareness of bodily separateness, walking and then running on his or her own. It also becomes more mentally intricate, with the progression from peek-a-boo to hide-and-seek to Simon Says, requiring ever more advanced skills of thinking, memory, movement, language, and coordination. And it can become more emotionally intense, since it is human nature to get excited when things go your way and frustrated when they do not. Children can display these emotions through everything from shrieks to tears, from high-fives to clenched fists. Play not only forces children to learn how to acknowledge and deal with their feelings, but also gives adults an opportunity to assist them when they can do neither.

As these progressions occur, it is natural for a child to develop curiosity and then seek to expand his or her play space; it is also healthy so long as the child is under the protective umbrella of a watchful adult. On a playground or a backyard, on a grass field or a jungle gym, a child can find a sense of freedom and start to find him or herself through solitary, interactive, and even imaginary forms of unstructured play.

Simply, when play comes without value judgments and expectations, as it should for the young children participating in it, those children tend to find it enjoyable and rewarding, as Karrie did. And when something is enjoyable and rewarding, and especially if it is accompanied by adult reassurance, a child is more likely to continue and repeat the activity, as Karrie did. With repetition and practice, not only might improvement result, but the child will also feel a greater connection with his or her bodily movement and capability, as Karrie did.

So, yes, it's good to get your kids to play.

As much as possible.

"Even if you can't afford anything, just take him to the park," former NFL Pro Bowl cornerback Patrick Surtain said. "Let him experience little league sports in general, because all of us played it."

This sounds simple enough.

Yet there's no question there is a macro "play" problem in America, one prevalent enough that major professional sports organizations, such as the NFL and NBA, have started kid-centered activity programs such as Play 60 and NBA Fit, respectively, providing forums for participants to get in shape while, admittedly, reaping the additional benefit of creating a stronger connection to potential sports consumers. That problem is a result of sociological, familial, and financial norms and conditions in so many communities, and is something that you, as the adult, need to help address. There's a need for you to adjust to the times and still make play a priority in your own home and neighborhood.

"Outside Was the Thing"

Long before he was "Too Tall" and a member of the Dallas Cowboys' famed "Doomsday Defense," Ed Jones was a kid on a farm in Jackson, Tennessee, a place blessed with fields aplenty.

That was the late 1950s.

Kids couldn't play video games. They couldn't search the Internet. They couldn't watch ESPN or MTV or pop in a DVD. They might not have even seen a television up close, let alone one or two or three or more in their homes.

Kids hardly needed to be pushed out the door to play.

They were anxious to join the kids playing already.

That's not what Jones sees anymore, even in intact families. Since so many parents are working, they can't always be home to encourage their children to, as he puts it, "go out and do things."

In the 1970s, when future NFL offensive lineman Keith Sims was growing up, parents tended to be home earlier and more often than they are now. Yes, the television was a presence, but his folks pushed him away from it. "We just played tackle football every day after school or baseball or something active," he said.

The same goes for future Major League pitcher Jamie Moyer during his youth in a small town outside of Philadelphia. "We could ride our bikes and play all day, come home for lunch or dinner, come home at dark," Moyer said. "We don't live in that kind of society anymore, unfortunately. It's pretty difficult to do that everywhere in our country."

All-pro NFL receiver Reggie Wayne remembers the 1980s the same way: "Outside was the thing. Everybody was outside, playing basketball, playing football."

Now?

There is a societal shift away from unstructured outdoor play, one that finds support in several studies, including one by the Stanford University School of Medicine, and in the observations of the athletes we interviewed.

"You see playgrounds empty," former NBA guard Sam Cassell said.

The NBA star Grant Hill recalled "an age of innocence," when he would go to the cul-de-sac or playground where the kids would develop on their own, without supervision, through everything from hide-and-seek to kickball and eventually to more complex sports. "All those games, where there are not adults around, in a weird kind of way you're doing things, you're being athletic, you're having fun. And I think that kind of stuff plays a large part in kids developing and falling in love with sports."

That connection, however, is not a foremost concern to every school official and city planner. Inside schools and out in the community, kids are finding fewer places and times to run free. Instead they run into obstacles. Schools, under pressure to meet standardized testing requirements, have cut back recess to allocate more time for exam preparation. Communities facing budget constraints and holding other priorities higher have failed to maintain their play spaces or to locate them in easily accessible areas. A recent study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention declared that there is "no safe and appealing place, in many communities, to play or be active," and that only one in five kids reside within a half-mile of a park or playground.

All of this, in the context of a world that is or merely seems less safe than it did, compels some parents to take the path of less resistance, keeping kids inside to make monitoring easier. Technology has exacerbated that trend, advancing to the point that kids, mimicking adults, also find that arrangement increasingly alluring. Many simply don't want to leave the house because they don't want to leave the television, the video game console, or the computer, all of which hook them with constant sensory stimulation. Thus, that shift becomes one toward more sedentary and solitary activity.

"The PlayStations have taken over," Wayne said.

And the Xboxes. And the Wiis. And the iPads. And the smart phones. Soon it will be something else—maybe as soon as tomorrow.

This technological march has even changed what many children consider cool.

"Now if you are the best kid on the video game, you are the most popular kid in the school," future Hall of Fame running back Edgerrin James said. "Where it used to be if you were the best athlete."

Few of these pursuits on their own are inherently or entirely destructive. Some provide educational value; some require dexterity; some even involve interaction with another child or adult. It's only when kids participate in them obsessively and to the exclusion of physical exertion that the tradeoff becomes too costly. As Orestes Destrade, a former Major Leaguer who has covered the Little League World Series for ESPN, put it: "Our kids are growing up and getting more information and less play attention."

It shouldn't be surprising that so many are getting fat.

"It is really a bad situation now because kids are not in shape," record-setting Olympic long jumper Bob Beamon said. "Diabetes. Obesity is knocking on kids' doors."

Actually, it's already knocking many down. Nature can't be discounted for its role in obesity, with the trouble often starting in the DNA; genetics, family history, and even cultural background can all contribute. But you, as the caregiver, are not helpless. You can nurture a better outcome by setting the right example so kids don't develop destructive eating habits, and by probing for the deeper emotional issues that could be leading a kid to consistently turn to comforting sweets. You can keep a kid off the couch from time and time—or at least keep the bags of sugary and salty snacks away so reaching in and pigging out doesn't become the default activity.

You need to do this because the combination of sedentary lifestyles and supersized appetites is conspiring to drive some scary statistics, with obesity rates nearly tripling among children and more than tripling among adolescents over the past three decades. It is enough of an epidemic that in 2009, First Lady Michelle Obama, shortly after her husband's inauguration as president, created the "Let's Move" campaign, advocating for more activity as well as better nutrition, including lower-calorie school lunches. Many athletes have made this a mission as well, most notably Shannon Miller, the most decorated gymnast in United States history and president of the Shannon Miller Foundation.

Why does obesity matter?

Obesity can create breathing problems such as asthma and sleep apnea; it can cause high blood pressure and high cholesterol, which are primary risk factors for cardiovascular disease; and it lead to the development of Type II diabetes mellitus. All of this can prove costly not only to the child's quality of life but also to the family's finances. Obesity can set off other emotional and psychological difficulties as well. If an overweight kid is teased, bullied, or isolated by peers, it can have long-lasting impact on self-esteem. None of this is easily reversible—those overweight when young tend to become overweight adults, their symptoms and challenges only increasing over time.

"I think kids should have an appetite to sweat and get the heart pumping for health reasons," Beamon said. "We as parents need to get them into some kind of activity."

Edgerrin James agreed: the onus is on the adults. He grew up in Immokalee, Florida, where he and his friends didn't have much other than idle time for exercise in the sweltering heat. He surmised that "nowadays the kids don't want to be outside," with indoor activities abundant even in the most impoverished areas.

So what do you, as an adult, do?

"You have to take the video games away from them," James said. "Take the joystick, step on the joystick, lock the door; make sure they've got to be outside. Force them outside. Make them get out there in that hot sun and make them compete with their peers. That's the first thing you have to do."

The overriding thing?

Expose kids to as much physical activity as possible.

"Once they find it, they love it," Shannon Miller said.

That was her experience, anyway, after being introduced to running clubs in private and public schools and other organizations that serve children. "We did it in school, so it would be less of a barrier for parents," said Miller, who won sixteen combined World Championship and Olympic medals between 1991 and 1996. "We still had parents who were hesitant, saying, `We don't know if Johnny should do this.' But the results were that the grades were better, and the kids were calmer at home. Some of whose who were having issues in class, they became leaders. They could cheer for other kids; they could be that voice."

Roughly three thousand children participated initially, spending thirty minutes or more at least twice per week running, skipping, or walking and earning rewards and praise at various milestones. As her mission statement says, "Anything works as long as they are moving forward under kid power."

Kid power with an adult boost.

"It doesn't have to be an organized sport or cost a lot of money," Miller said. Not if the adults are providing the right input and endorsing the right values.

"The most important thing is establishing a foundation for a love of activity," Miller said. "It's about a game of tag. But it's also about a family walk before dinner. It's about getting the family involved, not just the children, because the family buys the food. If you're a good role model, that will help you get your kids involved at a young age. If they're active at a young age, they are more likely to be more fit for the rest of life. And the inverse is true too."

In that way it can serve as a gateway to health. That construct applies to the concept of play as a whole.

Early play, as we described in this chapter, can serve as a healthy gateway to organized sports—provided, of course, that a child found that play enjoyable. The inverse of that is true as well. If a child doesn't enjoy play for play's sake in its most stripped-down, least-structured form, how can the child be expected to get excited for everything that's just around the developmental corner?

(Continues...)

Excerpted from Raising Your Gameby Ethan J. Skolnick Andrea Corn Copyright © 2012 by Winning Ties LLC. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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