Project Agony: Why 4th Grade Recorder Lessons Are Mandatory

There is a weapon, so powerful, it causes the brains of an enemy invader to explode, causing instant death. Naturally, we give this weapon to children every year. It's called the recorder.
In everyday life, cheap school systems hand recorders out and teach their students to play three songs or at least try to. That month is the most agonizing four weeks of the human experience. Mothers get struck with migraines, dads play a lot more golf, and windows and doors get shut to silence their sounds.
Little did anyone know there is a standing government order that requires the recorder to be handed out to fourth graders? President Roosevelt signed an executive order that eventually became law.
This is the reason why.
Kilgore is here, or they were in 1943 for exactly 4 days. A race of beings that lost their world eons ago and roamed the hyper lanes that connected one galaxy to another. Their goal was to take over any broken-down spaceships before the Watchers, a peaceful race, could rescue them.
In 1943, an experiment in Philadelphia accidentally sent the USS Eldridge into hyperspace where it got stuck and stayed until 1986 when it was rescued by a scientist and sent home.
The USS Eldridge, upon arrival in 1943, had a Kilgore ship attached to its hull that left the harbor and entered the Atlantic Ocean.
This race of beings has only one thing on their minds; extermination, and invasion. They choose the small town of Jefferson in New Hampshire to begin their conquest.
Susie Dunkins is a 4th grader at Jefferson Elementary. She is excited because she and her classmates receive their new recorders.
The townspeople dread recorder day because the children inhale and blow as hard as they possibly can to scare adults trying to get through their day.
Susie blows her little horn on her way home causing people to stumble, drop cakes, empty ice cream cones, and cause near accidents. When she arrives home from her walk of evil, her mother hears the shrill and sends her back outside towards her fort in the woods. There, she plays as loud as she wants without disturbing her mother and the neighbors.
The Kilgore scout ship makes the mistake of landing less than 20 feet from Susie's fort.
The aliens have waited so long for a new home but first, they must feed. Their weapons are dangerous and set to kill.
The government sends a retired government agent named Trap who lives in Jefferson to investigate and walks right into their ship. As Trap and Susie face the aliens who are about to shoot them, she blows a shriek into her recorder and things begin to get interesting as their heads blow up like balloons and explode.
With the initial alien threat thwarted it becomes apparent this is just the first step in a larger invasion.
While Trap organizes the local leaders, Susie is met by a baby Kilgore, left behind, and they become friends.
Susie is determined to thwart the battle for Earth using her friends and a group of Kindergarteners whose thirst for blood is stronger than the Kilgore.