CHAPTER 1
A Reflection of Me
Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
Ladies, marrying at eighteen years old and having my first child caused me to examine myself and reflect on who I saw in the mirror. With little experience of how to be a good wife and mother, I had to look deep within myself to evaluate who I was. As I tried to adjust to motherhood and marriage, I would frequently question myself:
• Can I accomplish my goals with the added responsibility of a baby?
• Do I have the self-confidence to complete college?
• Am I willing to make sacrifices to accomplish my goals?
• Do I have the ability to be a good wife to my husband?
These questions haunted me every day as I persevered to complete my college education. Numerous times I wanted to give up and throw in the towel, but I remembered what my grandparents, parents, and husband always told me: "If you want something bad enough, you'll work for it." These inspiring words of motivation kept my dreams alive and caused me to persevere each day, and it was worth all the sacrifice and struggle.
Every woman has a mirror that shows her reflection. The history of mirrors starts in the third century BC. From ancient times, special qualities had been given to mirrors that no other object in the world had. The Greek philosopher Socrates gave advice to young men to look at themselves in the mirror. He said those who were handsome should focus their lives on keeping their souls clean and staying away from the temptations that could take them on the wrong path (InvitingHome.com).
As you look at yourself daily, what do you see? Does your reflection reveal ...
• a woman who was sexually abused as a child?
• a woman with many insecurities about her appearance?
• a woman who has been emotionally scarred by men in relationships?
• a woman afraid to love her husband?
• a woman who views her mistakes as failures or windows of opportunities?
• a woman who is strong and intelligent?
• a woman who is determined to succeed despite challenging circumstances?
Whatever your reflection shows, it will shape how you think. The things that you think about yourself will determine your destiny in life. God says in Philippians 4:8, "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."
Once upon a time, there was a young lady who refused to look at herself in a mirror, even though every day her parents and sisters encouraged her to do so. She believed that if she looked at herself, she would see mistakes, failures, disappointments, and hurts. After much encouragement by her family, she finally agreed.
As she stepped in front of the mirror, nervous and fearful, she saw something beautiful! More than just a pretty face, she saw a person who was intelligent, smart, strong willed, honest, responsible, self-centered, insecure at times, lazy, a gossiper, compassionate, shy, a risk taker, trustworthy, and a procrastinator. She saw attributes she liked and disliked about herself.
An honest look at the real you makes you want to step back and say, "Whoa, is this really me? Am I really this type of person?" It might not all be pretty, but the areas that aren't pretty can be developed into something beautiful. Change takes time — it never happens overnight. A butterfly isn't beautiful until it goes through several stages of metamorphosis.
• Stage 1 is the egg development process. Butterfly eggs have a hard outer shell that protects the larvae inside. The shell inside is called the chorion. Inside, the egg is lined with wax that keeps the egg from drying out.
• Stage 2 is when larvae develop with three body parts: head, thorax, and abdomen. Larvae have a set of real legs and five false legs called prolegs.
• Stage 3 is the process when the larvae pupate. They split the exoskeleton and the larval skin comes off. When the skin is partially off, the cremaster appears. That's the spiny part at the end of the abdomen from which the baby butterfly hangs until it is strong enough to fly.
• Stage 4 is the adult stage in which the butterfly has six legs with three body parts: head, thorax, and abdomen. It develops a proboscis, which is a long, straw-like tongue used for sucking up nectar and water. The caterpillar has now developed into a beautiful butterfly that escapes from its cocoon to fly, fly, fly.
Just as you take journeys to develop and rebuild those areas of your life that aren't especially pretty, you can fly to success. Will your flight to success get tedious, bumpy, and rough? Yes, my friend, it will. The more success you desire, the tougher the flight will be, but nothing comes easy to those who want more success out of life. The price of success is hard work, diligence, patience, endurance, perseverance, dedication, commitment, and self-motivation. My friend, don't be afraid to pay the price. It's worth it!
Words of Reflection: Success comes in cans, not can'ts. — Author unknown
Do you value yourself? Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines value as a "rate or scale in usefulness, importance, or general worth." Every woman should value herself. Regardless of what people say about you, it is your responsibility to realize that you have a valuable and important purpose on this earth. Your value is not determined by acceptance from others, economic background, or financial status. Valuing yourself comes from your internal being. It happens because you have decided to see and appreciate your usefulness and importance to society. Learn to appreciate your uniqueness, talents, and abilities. Realize that no one else is just like you. Do you believe that you were created for greatness and designed for a special purpose? Accept the challenge to be your best!
Once upon a time, an old bag lady walked the streets of her city every day. She struggled to survive, never knowing where her next morsel of bread would come from. Every night, she would curl into a damp, chilly corner and wish she could find the strength to value herself. Through the years, she had allowed mistakes and failures to shatter her sense of self-worth. Troublesome marriages, alcohol problems, and a cocaine addiction had engulfed her. One day as she walked through a familiar neighborhood, she reminisced about being a child and the joy of riding bikes with friends, picking plums from the plum tree, and playing kickball in her best friend's backyard. As she passed a green house with white shutters, she saw an elderly, gray-haired woman sitting quietly on her porch.
When the elderly woman noticed the bag lady, she approached the fence and asked, "Are you my student who always won the spelling bees in class and believed she was the smartest girl in school? I don't remember your name, but I vividly remember your face."
The bag lady replied, "Yes, I'm your student from third grade, but I've grown old and ugly. I've been through several divorces, lost my home, and squandered all my money on cocaine. In my younger years, I stood tall, held my head high, and was proud of my accomplishments. But I've allowed hard times to zap my ability to value myself."
The elderly woman took the bag lady by the hand and said, "Honey, no matter what tough times you go through, never lose the ability to value yourself. First, you must believe in yourself. Change what you think and say about yourself, and then you'll value yourself again."
Upon hearing these words, the bag lady began to cry. But after a moment, she looked at her wise third-grade teacher with confidence and said, "I accept the challenge of regaining my ability to value myself. Never again will I allow my circumstances to hinder my sense of self-worth. This day, I promise to believe in myself and think and speak with confidence." Then she gave the old woman a hug and walked away.
Three years later, the bag lady's former teacher was sitting in her kitchen reading the newspaper. On the first page was a photo of an older woman wearing a blue suit and a fancy white hat. The headline read, "You Are Never Too Old to Pursue Your Dreams." The former teacher recognized the face, but not the name. The article described how the bag lady had aced struggles in life but finally reached a crossroads. Her need to value herself and regain her sense of self-worth had ignited a lifelong dream to establish a homeless shelter for women with drug addiction(s). Suddenly, the teacher exclaimed, "Oh my, this is my third-grade student with whom I talked three years ago." Happy tears streamed down her face as she remembered wisely advising her former student to regain the ability to value herself.
This familiar story shows how women can come to a point in their lives where they begin to devalue themselves because of past mistakes, failures, and disappointments. As a young mother and wife, there were times when I devalued myself and allowed hardships to shatter my self-worth. I would ask myself, "Did I make a mistake by marrying so young and having a daughter?" However, I used these three steps to regain my ability to value myself:
1. Believing in yourself is vitally important. No one can believe in you if you don't first believe in yourself. Feel confident about your unique abilities, talents, and gifts. Appreciate who you are and make any necessary changes to become a better person.
Self-Strength Quote: I believe in myself. I am unique, special, and determined to succeed. I am full of confidence, strength, and determination. This is who I am. I am designed for greatness and created for a purpose!
2. Think with confidence, which requires you to see yourself as successful. Your thinking can determine your success, so stop the negative stinkin' thinkin'.
When you begin to think confidently, you will speak with confidence. Think good things about yourself and view yourself as self-motivated, responsible, and intelligent.
Self-Strength Quote: I think with confidence. I am full of motivation and strength to excel beyond my obstacles. What I think about myself determines my greatness and success. What I think about myself determines how I reach my goals. My mind is set to think the best about myself!
3. Speak with confidence, because the words that you speak can determine your destiny. Constantly saying negative things about yourself will cause you to doubt yourself and hinder your ability to accomplish your goals. However, speaking positive words about yourself will strengthen your self-confidence. Your words can build you up or tear you down.
Self-Strength Quote: The words I speak will shape my world. I will speak with confidence and pride, always striving to be and do my best. I will never doubt myself, because I believe that I can pursue my dreams, achieve my goals, and reach success!
Words of Reflection: People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within. — Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Where Are Your Hidden Talents and Abilities?
When I was a child, my mother always encouraged me to do my best in my academic career. My teachers and parents knew that I had a special talent for writing, which came easy for me. I always knew there were books inside me that needed to be written to encourage women to value their inner beauty. I promised myself each year that I would start writing, but I never put any actions into my words — until now. First I had to do a self-examination and search within myself for my hidden talents.
Cemeteries are filled with people who died without ever discovering their own hidden talents and abilities. Many women have left this earth without having reached their full potential, never knowing that they could have owned a lucrative business, won a Nobel Peace Prize, or discovered the cure for a disease. Don't let this happen to you. Take advantage of opportunities that come your way. Seize the moment to accomplish your goals and fulfill your destiny. Find your own buried talents and abilities, and then develop and strengthen them.
Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines a talent as a "natural endowment of a person." Some people have a talent for interior design, and others are successful entrepreneurs. Whatever your talent is, use and develop it. Webster's defines an ability as "the physical, mental, or legal power to perform." A women's ability to play basketball or to establish an organization can remain concealed, but it's your responsibility to develop your abilities. Sometimes we neglect our abilities, especially if past failures make us want to push them into a dungeon and leave them there. Unveil your abilities and let each one come forth!
My daughters, Alexia, Trinity, and Victoria, have a natural ability to play basketball, which was developed at a young age. My husband took valuable time and energy to help them develop this ability with year-round basketball camps, intense practice times, and summer tournaments. Sometimes it may take another person to point out those abilities buried within you.
Identifying My Strengths and Weaknesses
Here's a simple exercise to help identify your strengths and weaknesses. Get two sheets of paper and write My Strengths on one sheet and My Weaknesses on the other. When writing your strengths and weaknesses, be honest with yourself. When both sheets are complete, evaluate your list of weaknesses and make an action plan to improve in those areas. Weaknesses are areas in your life that need work and development, so set goals to improve in those areas by following these three important steps:
• Make an honest decision to change the areas that need work, such as procrastination or unreliability.
• Set short- and long-term goals for improvement. For example, if one of your weaknesses is that you don't eat healthful meals, make an itemized grocery list with healthful food items that need to be part of your diet. Discipline yourself and purchase only those items on the list.
• Realize that progress might take time. Rome was not built in a single day. Neither will you overcome your weaknesses in one day or perhaps in three weeks. Traits and habits take a tremendous amount of time to become ingrained. Be very aggressive in your goals but be realistic as well.
Evaluating yourself requires you to analyze your past failures and use them as learning tools, but your major strengths must also be considered. As you analyze your strengths, create ways to maintain and strengthen them. For example, if you have strong interpersonal skills, join civic clubs and community organizations to enhance those skills.
Words of Reflection: What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. — Anonymous
CHAPTER 2
Seeing Success for Yourself
The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed.
— Lloyd Jones
Success. What does this familiar seven-letter word mean to you? When someone says the word success, what influential person comes to your mind? Do you believe that success happens overnight, or does it take time? Is success only for those who have grown up with financial wealth or pursued higher education? Or maybe success requires hard work, diligence, and determination. Whatever your ideology may be, success requires you to believe in yourself, work hard, and take positive risks. It is vitally important to envision success for yourself and then dedicate your energy, effort, and determination to making that vision a reality. Women must realize that we can successfully accomplish our dreams and aspirations. Open your mind and begin to understand the hidden success that lies dormant within your inner being. Because of past failures and mistakes, sometimes we place lids on our goals and aspirations and then they die, but we have a major responsibility to ourselves to remove those lids. Pursue your hidden dreams and achieve whatever your life's destiny.
Phenomenal women such as Madam C. J. Walker, Shirley Chisholm, and Mary Kenney O'Sullivan took the lids off their dreams and became huge successes. Madam C. J. Walker was an African American woman who became a pioneer in the hair and cosmetics industry during the twentieth century. Her unwillingness to limit her dreams was evident in how she became the first female millionaire. Having amassed a fortune in fifteen years, she had a prescription for success — perseverance, hard work, faith in herself and God, honest business dealings, and producing high-quality products. Walker once said, "There is no royal flower strewn path to success. And if there is, I have not found it — for if I have accomplished anything in life, it is because I have been willing to work hard."
