CHAPTER 1
A Monster in my Closet
Fourth Grade
I hate writing letters! I hate it! I hate it! Ding it, dang it darn!I hate writing letters. But I gotta do it.
Dear John,
Today is Septumber 10, 1950. How are you? I am fine.I am riting this ding dang letter for school and I hate it.The teacher sayz we gotta rite a friendly letter to somebodywhat's named John. I hate it. I hate riting. I hate this friendlyletter. Rite now I ain't feelin all that friendly. But I gotta doit. Ding it, dang it, darn!
Dear John,
Today is Septumber 11, 1950. How are you? I am fine.No. I ain't reelly fine mostly cause I gotta rite this herestoopid letter for the stoopid teacher in this stoopid school.Now I gotta start all over. This stoopid letter shore ain'tgonna do the stoopid trick. Ding it, dang it, darn!
Dear John,
Today is Septumber 12, 1950. I am Bobby Anderson andI am in the fourth grade and I am ten years old and I go toP.S. 18 what's on Maujer St in Willamsboig, Brooklun. I amriting this here letter cause the stoopid teacher sayz I gottarite this here stoopid letter. That's why. But I don't gots notime to rite no stoopid letters to no stoopid imajinary personwhat ain't even reel and all. I don't even like riting letters topeoples what are reel. My time is jist too valyoubull. I gotmore portent stuff to do. Now I gotta start all over. Ding it,dang it, darn. I gotta do it.
Dear John,
I am pretty good. How are you? I go to P.S. 18 what isa very nice school. I have a very nice teacher when she ain'tscreaming her stoopid head off which is mostly all the time.I jist can't get serius about riting this here letter cause I hateriting STOOPID letters and I don't even know nobodywhat's named John. This is reelly stoopid. I gotta start over.This here letter ain't gonna do the trick.
Dear John,
I am fine. How are you? I go to P.S. 18 what is a funnylooking school. It gots four floors up and it gots only fourclassrooms on eech floor. About a coupla hundred yearsago it was a big school but most of it got burned downor sumthin like that happened. Now we gots a big littleschool.
Dear John,
That last letter ain't all bad. I was gonna give it to theteacher but when I read it over, I figger the teacher's gonnathink its stoopid. It jist don't sound right. It don't sound likethe way the teacher talks. It don't sound like the kinda stuffwhat a teacher's gonna like. I gotta try riting a nudder letter.I hate riting. Ding it, dang it, darn. I gotta do it.
Dear John,
Today is Monday, Septumber 18. I am fine. How areyou? I hope you are fine. The sun is shiny today. Is the sunshiny where you is at? I hope the sun is shiny where you isat. This gotta be the most stoopidist stuff what I ever rote. Igotta do it all over. Ding it, dang it, darn. I gotta do it.
Dear John,
The teacher aks me for my homewoik but I tell her Idon't got it cause I forgot it. The teacher wrinkles her stoopidface and tells me to stand in the stoopid corner for a half astoopid hour so I remember not to forget. But maybe I'mgonna forget to remember or maybe I'm gonna rememberto forget.
Dear John,
I told the truth about the letter. It's at home. And that'sthe truth. It's at home but it ain't alone. I got lots of friendlyletters what I started and some even got finisht. All themletters are all over my bedroom floor. I'm gonna stuff themin a bag and hide them reel good where nobody is evergonna see them. They are so stoopid.
Dear John,
I gotta remember to rite anudder stoopid friendly letter.I gotta do it! Ding it, dang it, darn!
Dear John,
I am fine. How are you? I got this here note from theteacher in my pocket. It's to my mom. The teacher sayz it'sa secret note and I can't look at it or nuthin. So she puts itin this envelope and licks it and presses it reel tight. I ain'tshore but I figger it ain't gonna be good news. My mom ain'thome from woik yet and I got about a hour alone in thispartment, alone with this here note. I think I'll get somewardda berling. Be right back.
Dear John,
I'm back. The note sayz my mom gotta go see the teachercause I don't got that stoopid friendly letter wrote, and I daydream in school, and don't read and rite good enuff, and Igot 3 F's on my spelling tests in the last 3 weeks and I ain'tdoing so good in arithmetic. The teacher wants my mom togo see her at school. I steamed it open.
Dear John,
Today is Monday Septumber 25, 1950. How are you?I am fine. I go to P.S. 18 what's in Brooklun. We got thisnew kid what jist moved into the neighborhood and he's inmy class.
Dear John,
That new kid's name is Earnest something. He got areel funny last name what nobody can pronunciate becauseits longer than this page and what ends with a skee sound.Everybody even the teacher jist calls him Earnest. He's jistEarnest.
Dear John,
Today the teacher gives Earnest lots of tests to do. Thenshe checks what he done and she gets reel mad. She yellsat him, "Earnest, didn't you learn anything in your lastschool?" She sayz he don't know how to read and he don'teven spell rite.
Dear John,
The teacher sits us kids together on account of how goodwe learn and how fast we get the woik done and all. Earnestsits next to me and Nicholas.
Dear John,
Me and Earnest and Nicholas get to do the samewoikbook and stuff cause we don't do good woik. Nicholaswoiks reel hard but he don't never get it rite. I do the woikwhen my day dreams get boring. Earnest always looks likehe's woiking at something but it ain't never school woik.
Dear John,
The teacher tells me and Earnest and Nicholas to copya long list of about 25 woids from the blackboard what's onthe right side of the classroom wall. We gotta write everywoid 20 times. She says we gotta praktice spelling causepraktice makes poifect."
Dear John,
Yesterday the teacher's riting on the board andeverybody's copying what she rites. Then all a sudden I heara reel loud noise, a disgusting noise, you know, a fart. Somekids turn arown but the teacher don't. She keeps riting likeshe ain't heard nothing. But there ain't no way she couldamist that one. All the kids are looking at me. "Not me," Iwhisper and shake my head. Then it gets reel quiet again.Then a louder one! The teacher don't budge. I think I knowwhere it comes from. I look over at Earnest but he's jistbuttoning up his shirt like nothing happened.
Dear John,
Today I'm copying the notes from the board but I keepone eye on Earnest. He's opening his shirt button. His righthand goes inside his shirt and his left arm goes up and downreel fast and that's how he makes the noise! I think me andEarnest are gonna be friends.
Dear John,
Remember that note what the teacher gives me for mymom? I still got it. I was gonna give it to my mom when shegets home from woik but then I find out it ain't good newsand all. So me and Earnest was talking and I tell him aboutthe note what I got from the teacher. Before I get to tell himthe hole story, Earnest sayz I should steam it open to find outwhat it says. I tell him I all ready done that. Earnest ain't allthat stoopid. Me and him thinks alike. Me and Earnest aregonna be reel good friends.
Dear John,
I been trying to make the noises what Earnest makesbut I don't got it down yet. Earnest says I gotta cup myhand more. Earnest says I'll get reel good at it if I jist keepprakticing. Like the teacher says, "Praktice makes poifect."
Dear John,
I always keep things like notes from the teacher in mypocket and I don't never leave nuthin like that around mybedroom cause my mom cleans up sometimes. And if shedon't find it, maybe my sister Maggie will find it. Either wayit ain't good. If my mom finds it, I'm in big trubble. If Maggiefinds it, she'd black mail me to keep a note like that fromgetting to my mom. Maggie's blackmail is back rubbing.That letter could cost me big time in back rubbing.
Dear John,
I lorst the teacher's note. This is what happens. I'mwalking to school this morning and Earnest catches upwith me and says he's been doing some thinking about myproblem with the note what I told him about. He says it'dbe a reel good idear to put the note in my pocket what gotsthe biggest hole. I aks him how he knows I got holes in mypockets. He says every kid what's worth a darn got a holein at least one of his pockets. At first I got the note in thepocket what's got the small hole but then I figger Earnest'sright. The notes better off in the udder pocket what got thebiggest hole. So I make shore it's all the way down near thebottom right near the hole. By the time me and Earnest getto school, the note's gone. It jist got lorst all by itself. I don'teven hafta give it no extra little push. I don't even hardlyknow when it falls out. Earnest says he don't see nuthing.Earnest says, "You never wanna see nuthing you don't neverwanna see. That's a good principle for living longer." So nowI don't gotta give the note to my mom. There ain't nothingto give her. It's gone. It got lorst!
Dear John,
I still don't got that friendly letter done for the teacher.None of them udder letters can go to the teacher cause I saystuff what she ain't gonna like. I gotta try again. Ding it,dang it, darn!
Dear John,
How are you! I am fine. I go to school at P.S. 18 what'sin Brooklyn. My teacher is a very nice and kind person. Butthere is one kid in my class what I can't stand and her nameis Christine Carney. She thinks she's the greatest gift to thehole woild. She always gets the best grades in the hole class.Maybe she's smart but I bet she can't make no great noiseslike Earnest.
Dear John,
I hate riting letters. Ding it. Dang.
Dear John,
The teacher wants that letter reel bad. I hadda stand inthe stoopid corner for a nudder stoopid hour this morningcause I don't got it done yet. I hate riting letters.
Dear John,
Christine Carney's the smartest kid in the class and theteacher said she rites the best letters and even showed us herletter with a big A+ on it.
Dear John,
At lunchtime I aks Christine Carney how much shecharges for riting letters and she shows me her hands andaks me, "Are my hands clean?" And I says, "Yeah, there ain'tno dirt or nuthin on them." And she says "My hands willalways stay clean."
Dear John,
The teacher told me it was very bad for me to aksChristine Carney how much she charges to rite a letterfor me and I hadda stand in the stoopid corner for twohours. Christine Carney kept looking at me and smilingand showing me her hands. Ding it, dang it!
Dear John,
I hate riting letters. But what I really hate even more isChristine Carney.
Dear John
No problem with writing letters now. Me and Earnestfound this here old book in the liberry. It's called How toWrite Letters and it's all about how to write reel good lettersand it got lots of letters in the book what you can jist copy.Now I can get the letter done reel fast. I'm gonna get a goodgrade. I won't just copy cause that's like wrong and all. I'lltake some stuff from different letters and I'll add some of myown idears and woirds. It's a reel good book what somebodydone wrote way back in 1895.
Dear John,
Me and Earnest finally figgered how to write a reel goodletter for school. First thing is you just gotta get a letter whatsomebody else already done wrote and then you copy someof the stuff like the sentences and move some of the woirdsarown. Then you add some stuff in your own woirds. I evenused a diktionary to make the woirds sound more grown upand all. This friendly letter looks reel good. Earnest helpedme pick out the good parts from the book and helped meadd some other stuff. Here's what I wrote in my letter. It's areel good friendly letter.
Brooklyn, New YorkNovember 4, 1950
Dear John,
How are you? I am delightful. I have just received yourresponse, in which you intimidate, in no gentle terms,upon my conduct and acts accusing me of faithlessnessto you in accepting the attentions of frivolous women andall. However, light you make of promises, yet I am foolishenough to consider them as something more than trifles; andlikewise induced to believe that the woman who voluntarilybreaks a promise will not pay much regard to no oath nomore; and if so, in what light must I consider your conduct?After all, you must own my delightful project ain't all thatbad. I hope this letter finds you respectable and otherwiseO.K. Will you not, dear John, for the sake of our happinessbanish all thoughts however light you make of promisesand all. We did so enjoy your tea yesterday at your old lady'shouse.
With veneration,Bobby Anderson
Dear John,
Earnest says my friendly letter sounds reel good to him.It sounds like the way teachers talk mostly but it gots someparts where you can tell it's the way I say it.
Dear John,
I bet the teacher's gonna love my friendly letter. I ain'tgonna hafta stand in no stoopid corner no more.
Dear John,
Remember I was telling you about the disgusting noiseswhat Earnest makes? Now Earnest got lots of practice causehe's been helping me and he's reel good. He makes evenlouder noises now. One thing what the teacher said was right.Praktice makes poifect. When the teacher ain't lookin, helets one go. But then sometimes he don't use his arm. Thoseare reelly disgusting. I sit next to Earnest and the windowis on the udder side of him. The wind blows everything myway. I keep telling Earnest it's lots better when he makesthem noises with his arm.
Dear John,
Big trouble! That friendly letter what I wrote for theteacher don't exactly win me no prize. The teacher says Icopied it. But she ain't got no proof. Besides, I don't copyall of it. I just copied most of it. I took parts from differentletters and I even added some of my own woirds to makeit sound reel. But now I gotta write the letter over againwithout no copying. I hate writing letters. Ding it, dang it,darn. I gotta do it.
Dear John
Earnest says the teacher ain't fair for accusing me ofcopying the letter. She ain't got no proof and I'm innercentuntil guilty. Earnest says that's the lawr of the land.
Dear John,
Teachers don't forget much. The teacher aks me howcome my mom don't come to school yesterday afternoon. Isays, "I don't know." Then she aks me if I gived that note tomy mom. I told the truth. It got lorst. I told her about thehole in my pocket and how it ain't my fault. Then she writesanudder letter and licks the envelope and gives it to me. Shesays, "Don't lose it."
Dear John,
The teacher's riting on the blackboard and swings arownjust in time to hear that noise and she catches Earnest withhis hand inside his shirt and up his arm pit. Next thing theteacher picks up the eraser and throws it at Earnest but heraim ain't so good. The eraser's flying through the air and hitsme right in the face. I start coughing from the chalk dust.She's down at my seat reel fast and picks up the eraser andthrows it again at Earnest. The eraser hits Earnest right inthe head so hard that it bounces off and hits the window.The window already gots this tiny little crack in it and theeraser hits right there in that crack and makes a hole whenit goes through. But then all the glass starts cracking fromthe top to the bottom and chunks of glass start falling andthen all the glass falls out. Then there's a scream down inthe school yard. The teacher looks out what used to be thewindow. She puts her hand to her mouth and backs rightinto Earnest's desk. She kinda falls back and sits on thedesk. Right on Earnest's fountain pen what squashes andshoots black ink across the room and hits Christine Carneyin the face. Then the teacher runs to the door and opensit. She backs into the room. The principal walks in. Shegot glass and chalk dust all over her hair and a little blooddripping over her left eye and some blood is tricking downher nose.
Dear John,
Earnest says people gotta be reel careful when they walknear a school what's in Brooklun.
Dear John,
Today we got a sub. Earnest got suspendered.
Dear John,
Christine Carney's nose is still a little bit dark cause ofthe indellabell ink what don't come off all that easy.
Dear John,
The teacher is back. Earnest is back. Everything's backto normal.
Dear John,
This time I don't lose the note. Somebody stoled it.Earnest says if I leave it hanging outta my pocket jist alittle maybe it could get stoled. Earnest's getting to be reelhelpfull.
Dear John,
Everything's back to normal. The teacher ain't sick nomore, Earnest ain't suspendered no more and the principalain't bleeding no more. The teacher really hates Earnest butthat ain't no different. She hates him from the start. She jisthates him a lot more now.
