Ever wondered why the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is often the brunt of jokes? Have you ever fallen into the trap of thinking that everyone treats her in-laws badly? Are you preparing to enter a new in-law relationship and find yourself hoping to avoid the pitfalls your friends have warned you about? Or if you are you longing to repair damage to your mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship but don't know where to begin, this Bible study is for you. The Mother-in-Law Trap offers practical applications based on biblical truths that will help you avoid the pitfalls that might jeopardize your relationship and develop an enjoyable, healthy relationship with your in-laws.

The Mother-in-Law Trap

Avoid the Pitfalls and Enjoy Your In-LawsBy Leslie Hudson Connie Lovett Neal

AuthorHouse

Copyright © 2009 Leslie Hudson and Connie Lovett Neal, M.Ed.
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4490-0709-6

Contents

Introduction....................................................vWeek 1: Learn from Others.......................................1Week 2: Avoid Communication Problems............................20Week 3: Sidestep Negativity.....................................41Week 4: Build Strong Families...................................59Week 5: Embrace Healthy Habits..................................79Week 6: Gain Strength through the Struggles.....................100Conclusion......................................................116Leader's Guide..................................................118Weekend Retreat.................................................124Appendices......................................................133Meet the Writers................................................141

Chapter One

Week 1: Learn from Others

Day 1: Naomi's Background

Day 2: Naomi's Influence

Day 3: Refreshing Ruth

Day 4: Ruth's Reputation

Day 5: Principles We Can Apply

Words of Wisdom for Week 1: In the morning, O Lord, You hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before You and wait in expectation. (Psalm 5:3)

Our Prayer for You: Heavenly Father, we pray that each woman participating in this Bible study will commit to coming to You each morning in prayer. We pray that we will lay our requests before You and will wait for Your answers (Psalm 5:3). May we seek Your will in our relationships with our mother-in-law or daughter-in-law. Please grant us wisdom as we study. Help us to stay focused and to complete this study. Let us learn truths from the story of Naomi and Ruth that we can apply to our own lives. In Your Son's name we pray, Amen.

Day 1: Naomi's Background

In the days when the judges ruled, there was a famine in the land, and a man from Bethlehem in Judah, together with his wife and two sons, went to live for a while in the country of Moab. (Ruth 1:1)

Note: Throughout this study, we'll often refer to a mother-in-law as a MIL and a daughter-in-law as a DIL. As we write, we will refer to ourselves in that way, too. Connie is the MIL; Leslie is the DIL.

A Biblical Example

In the Old Testament of the Bible, a tiny book called Ruth is tucked between Judges and 1 Samuel. It tells an intriguing story of the love and devotion shared between a MIL (Naomi) and a DIL (Ruth). It's interesting that this fascinating story about the two most important women in a man's life is given an entire book within the Bible. It was a time when women were often not treated with respect because they lived in a patriarchal society, meaning women were treated with little respect and had little or no personal rights. On the other hand, God, through His Holy Word, always presents women as worthy of honor. He commanded us to honor our fathers and mothers (Exodus 20:12). In Proverbs 31 a woman is praised not only for being a loving wife and mother but also for her business expertise. Scripture's definition of a godly woman is important to us because we need to realize our worth in the eyes of our Heavenly Father. Hang on to your MIL/DIL hat as we take a look at this unusual, but timeless story.

During the time of the judges, there was a famine in the land. A man left Bethlehem in Judah with his wife and two sons to live in the land of Moab for a while. The man's name was Elimelech, and his wife's name was Naomi. The names of his two sons were Mahlon and Chilion. They were Ephrathites from Bethlehem in Judah. They entered the land of Moab and settled there. Naomi's husband Elimelech died, and she was left with her two sons. Her sons took Moabite women as their wives; one was named Orpah and the second was named Ruth. After they lived in Moab about 10 years, both Mahlon and Chilion also died, and Naomi was left without her two children and without her husband. She and her daughters-in-law prepared to leave the land of Moab, because she had heard in Moab that the Lord had paid attention to His people's need by providing them food. She left the place where she had been living, accompanied by her two daughters-in-law, and traveled along the road leading back to the land of Judah. (Ruth 1:1-7, HCSB)

Continue reading Ruth 1:1-18 in your Bible. When you finish, check this box:

What one thing did Naomi do that impressed you?

_______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________

A Look at Naomi

Names are important today, but they were even more significant in Naomi's time. The name Naomi means "pleasant." Webster's Dictionary defines pleasant as "agreeable to the mind or senses; delightful; having an agreeable manner; amiable." Naomi's name gives us our first glimpse into her personality. In our modern culture, names are chosen for a variety of reasons: in honor of a family member, because the name is popular, or simply because the name is beautiful to the one naming. However, in the ancient Near East a person's name was usually descriptive of his or her character. Often, in fact, God would even change names to reflect life changes. (See Genesis. 17:5, 15; Acts 13:9).

List three ways we can know Naomi was pleasant based on Chapter 1 of Ruth.

1.

2.

3.

Do you think Naomi's "pleasantness" may have impacted Orpah and Ruth's decision to follow her? Yes No Explain. _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________

DIL: When I was a little girl, I thought researching the meaning of my name would be fun. But then I discovered that my first name, Leslie, meant "from the gray fortress." My middle name, Leigh, meant "from the meadow." How frustrating that my parents named me two names that did not go together! How could I be from the gray fortress and from the meadow? I was especially jealous of my friends, whose names meant things like "princess" or "graceful." Who wanted to be from the gray fortress?

I discovered, however, that the "real" origin of my name had nothing to do with its meaning. My dad's name is Lester, and as the firstborn, I was named after him. When I think about my name now, I don't picture gray fortresses. Instead, I remember that I am Lester's much-loved daughter. That's the intended focus of my name.

MIL: When I think of my friend Terri, I think of the word "patient." Actually her name means "harvester," which makes me picture someone devoted to a task. She exudes calmness through life's storms. When I need a friend to help me see a situation objectively, she's the one I call. Terri will stay calm and won't get swept up with the emotions surrounding a problem. As a result, Terri is a joy to be around and I've grown to depend on her for support and encouragement.

Much like my friend Terri, Naomi "the pleasant" must have been enjoyable company. Someone her DILS didn't dread visiting. Someone they made time for. Someone whose company even DILs could enjoy.

What does your name mean, or for whom were you named? _______________________________________________________________

Create a one or two word definition of your name based on your personality. _______________________________________________________________

A Tough Situation and a Tough Choice

Because of a famine in their homeland, Naomi, her husband, and their two sons moved to Moab. While there, her sons married Moabite women. When Naomi's husband and both sons died, Naomi surely experienced tremendous heartache. Losing a husband or a son would be devastating; but she lost all three of the men in her life, men meant to love, protect, and provide for her in a time when single women had a very difficult time providing for themselves. What comfort Naomi must have felt through the presence of her DILs.

When Naomi heard that the famine in her homeland was over, she was eager to return to a more familiar landscape. With her DILs beside her, she prepared to return to Bethlehem, her homeland, a trip which would take several days over rugged terrain.

Reread Ruth 1:1-7. Check what you imagine Naomi may have been thinking and feeling in the days following her husband's and sons' deaths.

She was excited to finally be going home.

She dreaded the long walk.

She hated to leave her friends and neighbors.

(your idea) ___________________________________________

MIL: When I read the opening chapter of Ruth, I can't help but think of what Naomi might have said to her neighbors when it came time for good-byes. Did she hug everyone and promise to visit? Did everyone cry to know she was leaving? Were her DILs concerned that she might leave them behind? Or were they worried that she'd actually let them come with her?

Think of a time when you moved away from home. Describe your feelings from that time. _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________

What conflicting emotions Naomi must have felt. When she first left her homeland, she had a husband and two sons. Emptiness must have settled over her as she packed her bags to return. Though she was surely thankful for her DILs, she must have felt somewhat burdened by and for them, too: Burdened by them because she'd feel responsible for meeting their physical needs and burdened for them because they each needed a husband.

Visualize the scenario of Naomi and the two women leaving for their journey by mentally answering the following:

How many possessions were in their knapsacks?

How heavy was their load?

How many times did they look back as they left the village?

Were Ruth and Orpah's mothers watching them leave?

What emotions were reflected in their expressions?

How did Ruth and Orpah explain to their friends and relatives why they were leaving them to follow their mother-in-law?

It's interesting that Naomi, after allowing Ruth and Orpah to travel alongside her for a while, finally told the DILs to go back to their mothers. She even asked the Lord's blessing on them, requesting that He grant them new husbands.

She said to them, "Each of you go back to your mother's home. May the Lord show faithful love to you as you have shown to the dead and to me. May the Lord enable each of you to find security in the house of your new husband." Then she kissed them and they wept aloud and said to her, "We will go back with you to your people." (Ruth 1:8-9)

Pause to mentally lace Naomi's dusty sandals on your feet. Then make two lists: one of reasons why Naomi might have sent the women back and one of why it would have been difficult for her to do so.

1. 1.

2. 2.

3. 3.

Urging the DILs to return to their homes was an unselfish act on Naomi's part. The women were more than just company, more than just a link to her sons. They were also young backs and strong arms that could help to support her. Furthermore, each was eligible to marry again, thus offering the possibility of stable, new roofs under which Naomi might live as a dependent under their new husbands. But because Naomi thought of Ruth's and Orpah's happiness above her own, she demonstrated love by setting them free of any obligation they might feel toward her.

Describe the last unselfish thing you did for someone. _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________

Describe one unselfish thing you have done for your MIL/DIL. _______________________________________________________________

What makes unselfishness so important to any relationship? _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________

* As we close today's lesson, pause and thank God for giving us the example of Naomi. Thank Him for your own MIL/DIL and your relationship with her, even if it's not a good relationship. Ask Him to help you and your MIL/DIL love and respect each other more. Then ask Him to begin to show you how to do that.

Questions to Ponder:

(Throughout this study, you will see "MIL Questions" and "DIL Questions." If you are a MIL, answer the MIL questions. If you are a DIL, answer those. If you are both MIL and DIL, you get to answer all the questions.)

1) MIL Question: In which of the following ways would your DIL say that you resemble Naomi? Check all that apply.

pleasant personality

unselfish

longing to go back home

burdened for your DIL

empty because of a loss

none of them (I'm really not like her at all.)

Pause now and ask God to help you seek His guidance in situations involving your DIL.

2) DIL Question: Name a considerate, loving MIL like Naomi that you know. (She doesn't have to be a relative.) _________________________________________________________

What do you most admire about her? Make plans to compliment her on that characteristic this week. _________________________________________________________ _________________________________________________________

Day 2: Naomi's Influence

But Naomi said, "Return home, my daughters ..." (Ruth 1:11a)

The Power of Influence

Influence, the power to affect others, is a God-given gift. Woman's ability to influence is seen throughout the Bible. In some instances, it is used negatively. For example, Eve influenced Adam to eat the forbidden fruit, and Delilah used her influence to convince Samson to cut his hair. Sometimes, though, women use their influence in a positive light. In Persia, Queen Esther used her influence for good, convincing King Xerxes to spare the lives of her people. Abigail used her influence the right way, asking King David not to kill her whole family. But perhaps nowhere in the Bible does the story of one woman's influence seem more personal than in Naomi's interaction with her DILs.

In Ruth 1:8, we read that Naomi urged her DILs to go back to their mothers' homes. While most DILs would be thankful to be "off the hook" in such a situation, these two reacted in a way that suggests something unusual.

How do Orpah and Ruth respond to Naomi's request (v. 10)?

They ran back home as fast as they could.

They had a quick brainstorming session to decide what to do.

They said they wanted to go back with Naomi to her people.

What does their response suggest about their feelings toward Naomi? _______________________________________________________________

Consider your own MIL. If given the chance to leave her side in a similar circumstance, would you bolt? For example, what if your military husband was shipped overseas for a year? Would you choose to leave your home and go live with your MIL for that time period-even after she urged you to return to your own family?

When Naomi pleaded with them a second time to return to their homes, Orpah accepted. Ruth, however, continued to cling to Naomi.

MIL: I recall when my daughter was a toddler and I would leave her with my mom, whom she loved dearly. Still, she would cling to me because she did not want me to leave. I would literally have to pry her hands from around my neck in order to be able to leave. Ruth's clinging must have been just as emotionally intense.

But Orpah chose to return. Why do you think Orpah went back home and Ruth didn't? _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________

Do you think Ruth was tempted to join Orpah in returning home? Yes No Explain. _______________________________________________________________

MIL: Influence. What a tremendous amount of power is packed into that word. As a teacher, I daily see students influence each other in both negative and positive ways. When I reflect on my life, I recall times when I allowed people to influence me in both good and bad ways. And I remember those many days when I prayed for my children to be influenced positively by their friends and to be a positive influence to others.

Recall circumstances in your life when you allowed someone to influence you either positively or negatively. Who was it?________________________

How did that person influence you? _______________________________________________________________

As you contemplate the following questions, narrow your thoughts to experiences with your own MIL or DIL.

MIL Question:

Describe a time you tried to influence your DIL. How do you think your suggestions made her feel? _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________

(Continues...)

Excerpted from The Mother-in-Law Trapby Leslie Hudson Connie Lovett Neal Copyright © 2009 by Leslie Hudson and Connie Lovett Neal, M.Ed. . Excerpted by permission.
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