Many of us have spent years living our romantic lives as if we are victims of our circumstances. We may have invested so much time and energy into complaining, fretting, and despairing over our circumstances that we now define ourselves by our perceived obstacles, bad luck, or mistreatment by others. Seeing hope through these filters is almost impossible. The Miracle I Almost Missed offers timely, practical advice for navigating through this maze of relationship disappointment to a place of hope and empowerment. It provides information that points the way to a more positive and hopeful approach to finding and keeping romantic relationships. Each chapter features a reality check that includes Finding Clues-questions that are designed to help you see your romantic life from a new perspective-and a Challenge, which offers alternative next steps. For anyone who has been burned by love, feels unattractive, is stuck in a dead-end relationship, or faces uncomfortable dating challenges, The Miracle I Almost Missed can be the first step to new hope!
The Miracle I Almost Missed
Navigating the Relationship Maze into Romantic FulfillmentBy Pam BoydiUniverse, Inc.
Copyright © 2012 Pam Boyd
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4759-2625-5Contents
Introduction Through the Maze in Search of Romance.......................................................................1Chapter 1 Solve This: I've Been Burned!..................................................................................13Chapter 2 Solve This: First Meetings Are Painfully Awkward!..............................................................23Chapter 3 Solve This: I Never Meet New People............................................................................33Chapter 4 Solve This: I'm Too Set in My Ways.............................................................................43Chapter 5 Solve This: I'm Not Attractive!................................................................................53Chapter 6 Solve This: I Have a List and You're Not on It.................................................................67Chapter 7 Solve This: Sex Complicates Things.............................................................................77Chapter 8 Solve This: Men are Animals....................................................................................91Chapter 9 Solve This: Women Are Too Hard to Please!......................................................................111Chapter 10 Solve This: My Heart is Broken................................................................................123Chapter 11 Solve This: I'm Stuck in a Dead-End Relationship..............................................................139Chapter 12 Solve This: You Can't Shut Up, You Have Nothing to Say, You're Boring and Stuff Like That.....................157Chapter 13 Solve This: I Keep Returning to My Cozy, Comfortable Maze.....................................................175Bibliography..............................................................................................................189
Chapter One
Solve This: I've Been Burned!
Maybe you've dated a lot. Maybe the last time that you were set up with someone, or had an internet date, you were hoping that the mystery person would finally be the right person and that you wouldn't have to date anymore. Then you were disappointed—again. Or you may have been hoping that he or she would not be like the last person you dated or with whom you had a relationship—and when you met them, they appeared to be even worse!
So, like this chapter's maze, you are doomed to go around and around or just stop dating altogether. Either way, you get burned, so you are busy protecting yourself from self-absorbed, negative, boring, tedious, selfish, or whacked-out people.
This brand of cynical self-protection has become a major preoccupation for many. Because we are sub-consciously weighing the cost of the whole dating routine against that of just doing nothing, we want to know how to avoid wasting our time with the wrong people. We have become masters at sizing people up, measuring, and prejudging.
You may be thinking at this point, what's wrong with that? If I don't size people up, how will I know who to avoid or who I want to pursue? Won't I set myself up for more trouble or disappointment if I don't carefully analyze my options and possibilities? That's not cynicism, that's being careful!
Of course, these are legitimate concerns. To address them, let me start by relating a recent and very illuminating party conversation on the topic.
Self-Protection by Bashing the Opposite Sex
There were six women in this conversation sharing their passionate dissatisfaction with "the dating scene."
One middle-aged woman even went as far as encouraging a young woman in the group not to date in order to avoid all the losers and jerks she was sure to encounter out there. I was silent during her man-bashing, until she turned to me and said, "Come on! You're not saying anything. Tell her what I'm saying is true."
I'm afraid what I said didn't exactly accomplish her objective.
"I cannot agree with you," I said. "As an adult, I've never had a bad date. I've actually met many interesting men and had nothing but pleasant experiences along the way."
After all the booing and hissing stopped, someone challenged me, "You can't tell us that you've never gone out with a jerk!"
"Yes I can," I said. "I've never gone out with a jerk. And I attribute that record to this one fact: I always delight in the person I am with, even if that person is not the one with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. I put my list aside and just enjoy the person, their journey, their life, and the new window they open for me through which I can see the world."
The man-basher jumped all over this answer, saying, "Yeah, but, how do you delight in someone who is a real creep? There are so many creepy, I mean, really creepy guys out there. Are you telling us that you would delight in a rapist?"
"No, I'm not saying that. Of course you should have a reasonable idea about a man's strength of character before you go out with him. If he doesn't have integrity, don't go anywhere with him."
"Well, isn't that easy to say?" the man-basher asked, laughing sarcastically. "The trouble is all men represent themselves as having integrity and then you find out who they really are later! You can ask them all the right questions and they will give you all the right answers. But that doesn't tell you anything!"
(By the way, if this would have been a group of men having the same conversation, it would have gone like this: "They all start out nice, but later they all turn into the 'b—' word." Or, as one of my good friends says, "The babe you think is so hot just made some other guy's life a living hell!")
"First of all," I continued, "one doesn't find out who a person is by asking and answering polite questions back and forth. You find out who a person is by noticing who they are to other people. An old adage says it well:
"If you want to know what a person is really like, watch the way they treat the people from whom they have nothing to gain."
Or, if you have only met online or on the phone, apply this adage:
"You can tell more about people by what they say about others than by what others say about them." (Or, I might add, what they say about themselves!)
"For instance, you'll get a clue if someone is misrepresenting themselves or is going to do a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde change later if you ask them about their former relationships. Notice if they are just as respectful and generous when discussing their ex, their parents, or their former bosses as they are being to you right now.
If you have met them, observe how they interact with people in their path (e.g., the waiter, the clerk, drivers in traffic, etc.). The way they treat these people is how you are likely to be treated when the newness of your relationship wears off."
I went on to say that part of the problem with this approach is that we are often so negative ourselves that we don't even notice the other person's negative behavior as a big, waving-in-the-breeze-for-everyone-to-see, red flag! Here lies the real danger.
Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character."
I have to admit that I wasn't the most popular person at the party after sharing that quote. But for those who stayed with the conversation, we discussed two other major obstacles to really getting to know the people we date so that we don't fall into the cynical trap:
• We hear what we want to hear. We can be so optimistic when we are looking for a partner and someone appears to fit the bill. We have this incredible knack for believing the best (even though someone is spewing negativity) until they later disappoint us. Then we quickly go back to the "I-told-you-so" mode.
• Last, but by no means least, there is the it-takes-one-to-know-one problem. If we are not people of integrity ourselves, how do we know if the other person is? We must be the person we want to meet, which means no fudging on our age, our stories, or our history.
If we want people to be honest with us, we must be honest with them. Honesty begets honesty. Humility begets humility. Arrogance begets arrogance. Fear begets fear.
Key Point
If we think someone won't give us a chance if that person knows certain things about us, then that person is not who we are looking for anyway. We must move quickly away from anyone who will not accept us exactly as we are.
We may desperately think this person is so perfect, but in reality, the two of us are headed in completely different directions. Self-help author Marianne Williamson, speaking about relationships, says, "If it's not your train, don't try to get on it. Your train is coming later and you don't want to miss it."
But, as we walk away, we must be careful not to become bitter and resentful, even if we perceive someone to be a jerk. That self-protective behavior will surely lead to a dead end as well. Again, Marianne Williamson, in a November 29, 2011 Facebook post, offered an alternative approach that will keep us from becoming bitter, jaded, arrogant, or cynical toward our not-so-perfect dates: "What is not love is a call for love."
In other words, when someone acts like a jerk, we still can treat them with kindness. Eckhart Tolle resonates with this point and reminds us in A New Earth that "nonreaction to the ego in others is one of the most effective ways to go beyond ego in yourself."
Dating Tip
Adjust your attitude toward dating. You are not on guard duty. Guards are neither interesting nor fun to be around. They are distracted and intense.
Dating is a privilege not a chore. When our minds perceive it to be a chore, it will reflect in our energy. Other people will not have fun being with us if we are not having fun being with them.
Wrapping up
Remember that we are all learning on the job, trying to get around the block with the least amount of pain. Cut your dates a little slack and give them the benefit of the doubt. Take time to really see and value them in spite of their flaws.
Then, if they are not "the one," you can move on while maintaining a healthy detachment and without fueling the cynical fire.
Without the fire, we won't be burned!
"Life is not what you see, but what you've projected. It's not what you've felt, but what you've decided. It's not what you've experienced, but how you've remembered it. It's not what you've forged, but what you've allowed. And it's not who's appeared, but who you've summoned. And this should serve you well, beloved, until you find what you already have."
Mike Dooley Notes from the Universe
Chapter 1 Finding Clues
• Are you bitter about past dating or romantic experiences?
• Are you willing to believe these past experiences do not have to define your future?
Challenge
A. Start by saying something nice every day about the opposite sex or about your exes.
B. Walk away from "bashing" conversations.
C. Circle items that apply to you on the following list of common detrimental behavioral patterns (carried over from past romantic disappointments):
• Fear of rejection or abandonment
• Fear of pain
• Fear of settling or choosing the wrong partner
• Negativity
• Prejudices and pre-judgments
• An inability to focus on others instead of self
• An unwillingness to be completely honest
D. This book contains simple action steps for each of these challenges. As you read, find and write down an action step for each item that you circled.
Chapter Two
Solve This: First Meetings Are Painfully Awkward!
Recently, while waiting to catch a flight to attend a speaking engagement in Australia, I noticed a man pacing back and forth in the boarding area. A few minutes later he sat down near me, and I introduced myself to him. Because my accent revealed I was not a local, he asked what I was doing in Australia, and the conversation rolled on from there. He told me his name was Peter and he was a solicitor, to which I responded, "Oh? What do you sell?"
Now, if I had been the slightest bit self-conscious about my image at this point, that brilliant response would have signaled the end of our conversation, since, in the King's English, a solicitor is an attorney. But instead, I laughed at myself and proceeded to ask if he was traveling for business or pleasure.
Bingo! Watching his face change, I knew I had hit on the source of his agitation! "No. Yes. I ... uh ... am ... uh ... meeting someone in Auckland ... actually ... someone I met online. I've never done this before. Not sure it is smart of me to do so either. I'm hoping it will go well this weekend."
His angst was painful to observe. We had only a few minutes more to chat before my flight began boarding. Reluctantly, I got up and wished him a very happy meeting.
Afterwards, I regretted not saying to Peter what I will say in this book. Of course, I don't have a clue how things turned out for Peter, but, considering how tense and nervous about the meeting he was, I'm going to guess that the encounter looked something like this:
Scene 1
Peter's date (let's call her Anne) meets him in the lobby of his hotel. Peter gets out of the elevator and sees a (sort of) smiling woman walking toward him.
Anne says: Peter? I'm Anne. How was your trip? (Anne thinks: He's shorter than I thought he'd be.)
They make an awkward attempt at a hug.
Peter says: It was fine. So nice to finally meet you. (Peter thinks: She looks older than her photo.)
Anne says: Yes. It is nice to finally get together. I'm glad everything went well on your flight. (Anne thinks: God, what now? There's absolutely no physical attraction.)
Peter says: So ... [uncomfortable silence] would you like to go on to lunch? (Peter thinks: This is going to be an uncomfortable weekend. I've got to make up something about having to leave early.)
They go into a restaurant and are seated. After they have ordered, they try to act normal.
Anne says: Well, we have so much to talk about. How long have we been emailing? Is it about a month now? (Anne thinks: Why is he staring at my neck? I knew he would think I'm too old for him. Men always think that. All men want a woman twenty years younger than they are. Men are such jerks.)
Peter says: Yes, a little over a month, really. (Another uncomfortable silence) So, how was your morning? What did you do before I arrived? (Peter thinks: I don't know why I thought we had so much in common. She doesn't like me either. I can tell. She probably thinks I am too short.)
Anne says: Not much really. I was behind on some paperwork. I've got so much to do before I go back to work on Monday. (Anne thinks: That will be a good out for me tomorrow. Besides, he's not really interested in what I do. He's just trying to be polite. God, is this boring! Well, it could be worse. He could have been a pervert and tried to force me into his room or something. That would be worse.)
Peter says: I know what you mean. I'm really hoping that I can pull off the entire weekend—I mean, being away this long. (Peter thinks: Should I try to leave right after lunch and save the cost of the hotel room?)
Their lunch arrives and they eat uncomfortably.
Peter says: So, how is your daughter? I'm sorry I won't get to meet her this weekend. (Peter thinks: I shouldn't have come. What was I thinking?)
Anne says: She'll be disappointed too, I'm sure. (Anne thinks: My daughter really thought this was a bad idea to begin with. This is what I get for taking a ridiculous chance like this. My daughter was right. Get me out of here!)
What a disappointing date and a weekend disaster!
But the really sad thing about this encounter is that it could have been salvaged and completely turned around! What if Peter could have alleviated his tension by simply changing his state of mind?
Let's just pretend that when Peter met Anne, instead of:
1) Thinking about himself or his agenda,
2) Worrying about protecting himself from future pain,
3) Worrying about what Anne was thinking about him, or
4) Judging, comparing, or sizing up Anne,
he was:
1) Not attached to any particular outcome,
2) Relaxed and joyful,
3) Delighting in Anne, and
4) Staying completely present in the moment.
The meeting may have looked like this:
Scene 1-A (with attitude adjustment)
Anne meets Peter in the lobby of his hotel. Peter gets out of the elevator and sees Anne (sort of) smiling as she walks toward him.
Anne says: Peter? I'm Anne. How was your trip? (Anne thinks: He's shorter than I thought he'd be.)
Peter shakes her hand and then gives her a polite kiss on the cheek.
Peter says: I'm so happy to meet you finally, Anne. You look lovely! (Peter thinks: I'm so happy to meet you finally, Anne. You look lovely!)
Anne says: Yes, it's good to finally get together. How was your flight? (Anne thinks: Well, he seems nice enough.)
Peter says: It was fine, thanks. So, should we go grab some lunch? (Peter thinks: It was fine, thanks. So, should we go grab some lunch?)
They go into a restaurant and are seated. Anne still seems a little uncomfortable.
Peter says: Anne you seem a little uncomfortable. I know this is a bit awkward. We expected that. I appreciate your willingness to take a chance with me. (Peter thinks: She'll relax a little if she continues to feel my appreciation.)
Anne says: No, no, no. I'm fine. Thank you for taking the chance with me. (Anne thinks: He's so nice. I don't care if he is short.)
Peter says: So, tell me about your morning. What did you do before I arrived? (Peter thinks: I know she's an interesting person. We just have to talk about what interests her. That will help her relax.)
Anne says: Not much really. I was behind on some paperwork. (Anne says: Gee, he really sounds interested. He's as easy to talk to as I thought he would be.)
Peter says: Well, I hope my visit won't put you more behind on your work. (Peter thinks: We'll have a great time together. She won't regret it.)
Anne says: Not at all. I was looking forward to this. (Anne thinks: Not at all. I was looking forward to this.)
Peter says: So, how is your daughter? I'm sorry I won't get to meet her this weekend. She really sounds very interesting, like her mother. (Peter thinks: I love the way her face lights up when she talks.)
(Continues...)
Excerpted from The Miracle I Almost Missedby Pam Boyd Copyright © 2012 by Pam Boyd. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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