Protecting children from all forms of abuse and understanding their formative years is on the minds of today's professionals and families. In At the Mercy of Externals, author Dr. David L. Roberts provides a practical model to successfully guide kids into adulthood.

He introduces his Roberts FLAGS model (or RFLAGS), which explains how we tend to act out emotion-based anxiety rather than face the issues from the past that are often fueling our negative emotions of Fear, Loneliness, Anger, Guilt, and Shame. The model serves as a visual and intellectual way to understand the development of maladaptive behavior, and it is a means of helping us to understand that behavior is not necessarily representative of who we are as a person.

A companion to Psyche-Soul-ology, At the Mercy of Externals advocates a two-step approach to the problems families, kids, and professionals face in various situations and contexts. Roberts uses examples from his dysfunctional childhood, combined with his professional experiences helping at-risk youth, to demonstrate the importance of repairing our lives as adults as a preliminary step to nurturing and protecting children.

At the Mercy of Externals

Righting Wrongs and Protecting KidsBy David L. Roberts

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2012 David L. Roberts, BA, MS, MS, Ph.D.
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4759-1637-9

Contents

Preface............................................................................................ixChapter I Foundations of Beliefs...................................................................1Chapter II Roberts FLAGS Model....................................................................14Chapter III Adult Roles and Responsibilities......................................................33Chapter IV Insult and Injury......................................................................45Chapter V Contexts of Abuse and Victimization.....................................................58Chapter VI Results and Losses Associated With Abuse and Victimization..............................82Chapter VII KIDS..................................................................................95Chapter VIII Balancing the Scales.................................................................108Chapter IX In Defense of the Underdogs: Those Truly at the Mercy of Externals.....................125Chapter X Pairing and Parenting: The Basics.......................................................141Chapter XI Breaking the Cycles....................................................................156Chapter XII Myth and the Need for Critical Thinking................................................167

Chapter One

Foundations of Beliefs

My desire to become a psychologist stemmed from my fascination with human nature and what makes people "tick" so to speak. Part of that desire included a need to understand myself, as well as the people who played significant roles in my life. Of particular interest were the members of my immediate family and my relationships with them. Because of my belief that the complicating factors from my childhood also complicated my adult years, I became determined to leave the past where it belonged and create more productive patterns of thinking and behaving to help me fulfill the roles I would assume as I matured. By using a metaphorical microscope to carefully examine my "self" and various factors from my past, I have discovered some amazing ways of understanding what makes people tick which have nothing to do with blaming or scapegoating. The alternative is to understand people for whom they are rather than for whom we might like them to be. This approach allows us to move forward without all of the hatred and resentment resulting from harmful experiences during childhood.

Another significant discovery was the understanding I gained of the importance of effectively fulfilling our adult roles and responsibilities as they pertain to children of all ages. My work as a psychologist has made me painfully aware of the damage done to kids when these roles are neglected and not taken seriously. In today's world of being so busy and self-absorbed it is easy to forget that the kids in our lives still deserve our complete commitment to be the best we can be for them and for ourselves. One of the most rewarding outcomes from my interaction with kids is watching them learn and grow – even in my roles as father and grandfather. As you read this book you will learn how to facilitate the same process for kids more effectively and appropriately than ever before. In other words you will be able to optimize your effectiveness to match your intentions and hope of making a difference relative to the roles you choose. You will also have the opportunity in some cases to be that one adult who makes a positive difference in the lives of kids under your care. If you successfully apply these approaches to your role as a parent then you won't need to place so much hope on interventions from "outsiders". This level of effectiveness will occur only after each of us completes a thorough and honest process of self-assessment and evaluation, seeking professional guidance when the task appears to be too daunting and painful to complete alone.

I feel as though I have been given this process as an inspired task, one that I accept wholeheartedly, by sharing with the world the things I have learned over the last several years and especially intensifying about 1986. It was at that time I began to pursue what ultimately became my career as a licensed clinical psychologist. While this book is not about me, it comes from within me relative to almost unbelievable life-altering experiences I have had both on a personal and a professional level. Within the pages of this text I will share only a few very personal accounts associated with my journey through childhood and early adulthood as they relate to an understanding of how I know what I know. As I look back to 1986 and the years between then and now, I am amazed at how carefully and clearly my ideas have evolved. I firmly believe the process of writing this book originates from a Source much greater than myself alone, and actually is a gift from that Source through me to the world.

My younger brother recently asked me, as we discussed some sensitive historical family matters, why I get so emotional about such things. At that moment I didn't know how to respond and I simply indicated that my emotions are probably associated with my perception that I have been through a lot. In the months since that conversation I have come to realize how my training, education, and profession have made me intensely aware of and more sensitive to incredible hardship in the lives of people around the world. These experiences made it necessary early on that I participate earnestly in my own personal therapy as a continuation and amplification of an ongoing process of honest and open self-evaluation. I know this is one of the main reasons, as an important first step, for my successes and reputation as a licensed clinical psychologist. My decision to start my own therapy resulted directly from my desire to work continuously toward becoming the best person I can become; always trying to be the best I can be at any given moment and yet still striving for more knowledge and wisdom as my process continues.

In spite of barriers often associated with race and culture, I have been able to go into geographical areas and interact with people of amazing diversity, and be accepted. For me this has been and is a very humbling experience making me extremely conscious of the never-outdated concept of "man's inhumanity to man". I see more and more how this lack of consideration and regard appears to be based in both arrogance and ignorance which often results in abuse/victimization of others within the contexts of home/family, school, community, society, politics, and religion.

While this book will focus primarily on the first three contexts of home/ family, school, and community I will also attempt to address the last three more lofty and philosophical contexts of society, politics, and religion. The effort will be to propose ways my model, and its various components, are rather universally applicable. Within this text I hope to gain the attention of adults within all readily identifiable roles, as well as the attention of people in more global positions of power and influence over others. This list of adult groups will start with parents, relatives, and other individuals from the first three contexts who are directly responsible for children and for others who are in some ways vulnerable.

From there I will attempt to expand the list to include people and groups dominating the contexts of societal, political, and religious influences, and who are always at least ethically responsible for children and others who truly are at the mercy of numerous external factors. This second list will include: individuals, groups, and world leaders who set societal standards; politicians and political factions serving as policy and law makers; and religious leaders at all levels who in many cases unsuccessfully attempt to address spirituality and moral values. We will attempt to discover realities existing within the respective ideologies espoused by leading nations as they try to find a middle ground between the poles of extremism relative to an almost complete breakdown of antiquated traditional conservatism toward destructive and reckless forms of liberalism. This represents a shift from too much control and domination to a growing lack of regard and consideration for self and others. I will propose roles of leading nations to make efforts toward righting the wrongs in countries currently exhibiting overt examples of abuse and victimization resulting in horrific acts of terrorism. Frequently religion, gender-based violence, and race/ethnicity are the bases of both disagreement and justification in developing nations.

I do not intend to come across as someone who has all of the answers, or as one who whines about today's corruption and immorality, longing for a return to the "good ol' days". With my Roberts FLAGS Model I simply intend to propose ways of examining and understanding our current conditions to first recognize the urgent need for change and balancing. It is then possible to begin identifying, developing, and implementing opportunities somewhat systematically and formally, as a process of healing and repairing centuries of abuse and victimization present throughout history and currently within all contexts and around the world. This book, with the model and related materials, will give all adults, especially those serving in professional roles, a means to understand and teach the concepts offered within these pages.

Therefore, the purpose within these pages is to initiate the changing of this world toward the creation of a better world for us and for those generations to come. It is time to correct the errors in the ways adults and leaders view our responsibilities individually and collectively as compared to the relative context or contexts in which we act, or in some cases, act out our hopelessness and helplessness. This approach is better than blindly and foolishly denying the unfulfilled obligations we hold, especially to children. As we correct we also prepare a much more desirable existence for ourselves and for those yet to exist. We must identify both the abusers and those "underdogs" who are the victims, or who see themselves as the victims of abuse. This book is all about honest self-examination by adults and leaders who, by the very nature of these roles, are put in positions of power and influence whereby they either build up or break down.

It is time to teach to every man, woman, and adolescent the responsibility and obligation for ourselves, each other, and especially for the children who are constantly brought into our care, either directly or indirectly. This must be done regardless of whether we ignorantly and arrogantly deny, rather than acknowledge and accept, our unquestionable calling. Each generation prepares the way for the next. To stop the existing destructive cycles we must begin now to understand and correct ourselves on all levels and in all quadrants.

In both theory and reality the concepts of parents and leaders are the same and are, therefore, somewhat interchangeable. So true is this that the very leaders of nations and the world have a significant necessity to nurture all under their care, not to dominate, but to teach in the sense of guiding each "underdog" group to shake off its stigma of victimization and stand up to the abusers. I define "underdogs" as those who are vulnerable to people in any position of power and influence as determined by a number of both biological and environmental factors. Abusers are not leaders, nor effective parents. They are the destroyers of all that is good and pure within the innocence of those truly vulnerable enough to be abused.

This is the true representation of an "underdog" – the very real, rather than accepted and worn, vulnerability associated with Fear, Loneliness, Anger, Guilt, and Shame (FLAGS). An "underdog" is simply any child, adult, group, new idea, or new ideal which must be nurtured into reaching its full potential. Those who are truly vulnerable in life have few, if any choices and are indeed easy targets. Those who are not helpless, and yet claim to be victims, are merely buying into to the one-down position resulting from a history of victimization, and yet ironically coupled with a future of new opportunities. Traditional thoughts that bind and limit our motivation to learn and grow are no longer acceptable. Such traditions are often defended from a basis of Fear, Loneliness, Anger, Guilt, and Shame (FLAGS) based in unresolved issues rather than from actual ongoing abuse/victimization. This thinking insists that we keep acting out our emotion-based anxieties and frustrations, rather than deal with and correct a destructive past living within our present. To break such cycles requires nothing less than identifying, understanding, and facing the emotions fueling our frustrations and causing us to not care.

Most of my approaches to psychology, including the development of these concepts, are grounded in the Existential and Humanistic philosophies as applied to psychology from literature by the well known psychologists, Dr. Rollo May and Dr. Carl Rogers. These are the same philosophies beautifully implied within the pages of many of today's books dealing with spiritual approaches to viewing and reviewing life and existence. I was particularly inspired by the recent writings of James Redfield and the Celestine Prophecy collection; and by The Third Millennium, written by Ken Carey. My most recent inspirations come from Mick Quinn and The Uncommon Path; and Ken Wilber's 20+ works regarding Integral Spirituality and Psychology. These writers are true visionaries who, at the turn of the new millennium and beyond, both confirmed and expanded my own beliefs about the latent potential beginning to awaken within the universe and the souls of people.

In addition to a great deal of reading about philosophy, psychology, and spirituality, I have had many wonderful, and often times difficult experiences which have brought me to my present understanding of purpose in my own life. I feel I have an obligation, as we all do, to share with others those insights which have helped advance me through my process of living and growing. The title of this book, At the Mercy of Externals, is extracted from The Book of Runes, by Ralph Blum. It suggests that many of us spend our lives looking outside of ourselves for answers that can only be found within and in relation to ourselves and others. Furthermore, it indicates that those factors that are the most detrimental to our growth and development come from external sources and are often associated with abuse/victimization. Also taken from The Book of Runes is a powerful prayer, one which has advanced me rapidly forward in my process. When spoken with true commitment it opens one's life to all possibilities for learning and growth. The prayer is: "I will to will Thy will." At first read it may seem simple. However, I think it requires a great deal of exploration, and even translation into one's own words. For me the best translation is something to the effect that with all of my being, and from my heart, I desire to desire what You desire; or I want to want what You want, as the only spiritually based philosophy making any sense. True spiritual growth and maturity is indicated by the revision of the prayer to simply "I will Thy Will." "I want what You Want." "I desire what You Desire." If there truly is some overriding universal process, then why not tap into its Source and maximize its progression. I firmly believe that the Energy that is us is God or the Source within us.

The Past that Lived in My Present

Allow me to share with you a little of the educational and technical history of how some of my theories and continuing queries have evolved. None of my life had any sense of identifiable purpose until I began taking control of my life and destiny in my late 20's. My earlier experiences did not have any real conscious intention. I let go and began to follow my intuition, but my intention became directed only as I consciously and earnestly sought spiritual guidance from God as the Source (not the religious concepts of god) and stepped aside as much as I had learned to do. The point is that even though I was not consciously aware of how to proceed, I proceeded and trusted the urges coming from deep within my soul.

With an undergraduate degree in English Literature and a minor in music, and after many years of an unsatisfying career in the field of both retail and wholesale credit, I decided to return to school to work on a Master of Science degree in Administration at Georgia College. Close to the end of this endeavor, I realized I was only getting deeper into the credit field. After deciding I was too close to finishing this degree to quit, I completed the courses and graduated in June 1986.

Toward the end of this program, I decided to follow my heart and pursue a degree in Psychology as I had wanted to do for many years. So, in June 1986 I began taking two prerequisite courses which were required before I could qualify for the Master of Science degree in General Psychology, also at Georgia College. Needing a project for a research design class, I decided to study grief - not in the traditional sense of death and dying; but relative to unresolved losses and bereavement associated with and resulting from dysfunctional backgrounds of abuse and victimization. With this research project I began the development of the Roberts Grief and Loss Analysis Scale (RGLAS), an instrument designed to detect unresolved grief which impairs and complicates current adult functioning. I gained recognition for this initial effort at the University of Georgia PSI CHI Conference in April 1987, when I made my first research presentation. It was a graduate level competition, and I knew I would be disqualified because my initial research was conducted for an undergraduate class. However, I was told by the judges that I would have won "hands down" because my ideas were original and innovative, which are the bases of good research. This was the "go ahead" I needed.

(Continues...)

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