All That Matters

By Jean Gerson-Greer

BALBOA PRESS

Copyright © 2012 Jean Gerson-Greer
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4525-5722-9

Contents

How It All Began..............................................1The Hounds Tooth Inn..........................................9Mirror, Mirror On The Wall....................................21Reawakening...................................................33The French Blue House With The White Trim.....................45Time And Tide Wait ...........................................90For No Man Or Woman...........................................99... Or Feline.................................................144... Or Child..................................................169The Not By Chance Occurrence..................................200The Secrets Begin To Unravel..................................225The Revelations Begin.........................................234Synergy Begun.................................................253Synergy Completed.............................................258All That Matters..............................................275

Chapter One

How It All Began

Once upon a time, many years ago, I remember hearing my parents say, "All that matters is that ..." This expression took hold of me and became the watchwords of my life. All that matters is that she is healthy. All that matters is that no one gets hurt. All that matters is that you behave, use your common sense, and get good grades. All that matters is that you rest, relax, and have a good time. All that matters is that you finish school and make something of yourself. All that matters is that you take pride in what you are doing, what you have done, and what you are going to do. All that matters is that you find love and happiness in this cockeyed world.

I followed that "All that matters ..." advice and achieved what I thought was right for me. I went to school and even continued my education receiving a PhD in Philosophy and one in Physical Science (not so opposing ideologies, by the way), studying at well-known and respected universities across our great country. I met and married the man of my dreams while in my very early thirties. He was also a respected scientist. Unfortunately, we never brought any children to term. Of course, this did depress us terribly, but I remembered, "All That Matters ..." and we were then able to work through the depression of losses. We became so engrossed in our own work, traveling the length and breadth of the world as the needs arose, we pushed all thoughts of progeny aside to work for what our generation called, The Greater Whole.

We each became complete workaholics and tried, at the same time, to do the right things for our bodies as well as our minds and, we thought, for all of living-kind. "All That Matters ..." became our united watch phrase. This went on for twenty-three years. Then everything changed.

I want to say he died, but in reality, only our relationship did that. The divorce was as most divorces are, ugly and terrible to live through, even though it was not difficult to divide our property. It was just the dredging up of long-buried times and events that were so horribly filled with shifting the blame as a constant. It was never a question of money, or even support. We both had earned well, and written well, with volumes sold scholastically and internationally. Prior to our divorce, I had been forced to not only observe, but hold the hands of many of our friends who had gone through the same thing, and when it was my turn, they welcomed me with open arms and I found comfort and solace in their company.

Before I realized it, I was an avid member of this clique of people, women, mostly, who had been dumped when their spouses reached that age of male menopause where they sought comfort, solace, and love from younger, more lithe people. What amazed many of us was that we too, were still lively and extremely active, running marathons, going to gyms, and keeping our forty-five to sixtyish appearances as young as humanly possible. We did all that while going through hormonal changes with real physiological symptoms very difficult not only to describe, as each person reacts differently, but devastating to our own emotional beings. Yet we never stopped seeking information, new ideas, and just plain old fun. And we all tried our damnedest not to let this take us over and ruin us and our relationships. But none of this was enough for the men we married or lived with for so long. Not even re-enacting the Kama Sutra satisfied their avid needs for the "younger set." We finally decided they wanted people who knew very little of the world in actuality, or in general. They wanted to begin again as though they too, were young and just starting out in their adult lives. They wanted to teach and mold, and chose only those so willing to be taught and molded. Once again, I thought "All That Matters ..." is that I come out of this with some peace of mind, some sense of decency, and some of what was owed me for putting up with this stupidity at this time in my life.

Now, to be fair to you, I had better fill you in a little more. I am a Caucasian woman who could easily take early retirement from academia and the rest of this silliness, should she so desire, but I, Emma Epstein, by name (named after Emma Lazarus—my parents loved alliteration ... or maybe it was for Emma Peel, as my Dad loved `The Avengers'), am not like that. I do not like to retreat. I am a searcher, researcher and, in my own way a fighter. And speaking of fighting, I am not a featherweight either. More a cross between a welterweight and a middleweight even though I exercise, eat right, etc. I had often told my mother she birthed me at 110 pounds, since her side of the family consisted of petite people. It was my father's family I took after: the Russian peasant stock side.

I tried for years to play the American game of looking "younger" dying my hair to hide the gray. Sometimes, I had blonde streaks, sometimes changed it all to the reddish-brown hues, but finally gave up because my travels and my work schedules often prevented me from going to my local salon, or any other, for that matter. I also found I liked my salt and pepper appearance. And he liked it too, at least for a while. But as I said, that all came to an end with the divorce.

After the ugliness had settled, I cut back the following semester on my classes, finished my latest book without my editor moving in with me and then took hold of myself once more. Leaving my hair out of it (since the dye never took for longer than a week around the face, and constant touch-ups were time consuming, costly, and boring) I began seriously working out every morning from 6:00 AM to 7:30 AM, seven days a week, walked everywhere I could, and cut out any kind of "bad" food. Okay, once in a while I cheated. Who doesn't! But I did lose the taste for ice cream and other overly sweet things, and switched to whole everything products, all the while reading labels as assiduously as I prepared my research and subsequent reports.

And before I go any further, I must tell you this is most definitely not a "women's" story or a philosophical book or an attempt at expiation. This is a story of the continuing survival of a human being—me, and through me, many, many others. This is a story about what can happen when one makes up one's mind to charge through all the muck and mire heaped not only personally on one, but on the entire world as well.

* * *

Exactly two years after the divorce, I knew I needed and deserved a vacation from work—all kinds of work, and luckily, a free one came my way. I did not hesitate to apply for a well-earned, year-long sabbatical which was unbelievably and immediately granted by the administration. I felt as though I was being watched over by a Guardian Angel for the first time in a very long time. I had been fortunate enough to have had three research assistants during my time in academia, and John, the only single one, jumped at the chance to take over where I had left off, not only in the research itself, but in traveling to prove the research. Now all I needed was to firm up this free offer lovingly provided to me by Harry Jonathan Spruce, one of the three divorced men in our clique who had become a stalwart and close compatriot to me when I was so desperately in need of companionship.

HJS, as I called him, had an old family place near the shores of Northern Maine, "not quite near anything and not far from anything," as he described it. It was mine for the asking for as long as I wanted to stay there. There was a caretaker and his wife who tended the place and did the lawn, chopped firewood, etc. HJS hadn't been up there in a few years as it reminded him of his spouse and yet, as this was family property and cousins were involved somewhere down the line, he couldn't sell it either. He described it as a place where I could find out who I was now, and work on what "All that matters ..." really meant at this time in my life. Had it been a credible way to exist, or was it just a cop-out so one didn't have to investigate any further? I had big doubts about everything I could remember going through, and needed a place far away from everyone and everything in order to regroup, and this was just the ticket!

Accepting HJS's offer, I figured the simplest thing to do was to close up my apartment, buy a new laptop devoid of my scholastic work and anything else except email of course, pack everything I could think of in the way of clothes for all sorts of weather, as it was mid September, having spent much of the first month of my sabbatical going to theatre, concerts, and museums. And since I did intend a long stay, possibly even into the winter, I decided to leave all dressy things home—okay, except for one dressy outfit just in case—all I had to do was fill up the car and head north. All of this was accomplished in a moderately short time, and very early on a Thursday morning to avoid weekend travelers, I set out with great anticipation.

Having become a member of the gadget generation, I had a long term rental on a car equipped with the latest GPS finder and every other sort of equipment except a DVD screen. No children. Books had always been my favorite non-human friends, and I had packed quite a few of those and could always find others on-line or at a local library, even though HJS swore no place was very near or very far. Oh, and being the quirky but kindly sort of person he was, he had alerted the caretakers I would be arriving, and asked that the place be stocked with foodstuffs. He even provided a list of some of my favorite foods, and when I questioned him about a refrigerator with adequate freezer space, told me not to worry as there was even a separate freezer apart from the one attached to the fridge, because he always stocked up on coffee ice cream—once the bane of my existence.

He sort of led me to believe this place was slightly more advanced than a log cabin, but the more he talked about it, the more I understood it to be an advanced cottage with all the accoutrements required for modern living. What decided me on definitely going there was that I would not have to run to use an outhouse! I never was a great one for extreme camping sites for long-term use, and as long as there were logs I could build a fire against any chilly weather. And what was more enticing, HJS swore I would fall in love with the place and have the delightful peace and quiet I so longed for. But as I drove north, following the directions he had assiduously written out for me and that I programmed into my GPS, there was something about the way he said "peace and quiet" that gave me a strange feeling in my gut I could not quite identify.

As I said, he was a quirky person who had easily accepted his divorced style of living and seemed to need no one to take care of him or share his life in an intimate manner. We of our clique adored him but found him to be extremely odd in many ways, and could not put our collective fingers on what it was with him. He is a six foot tall, well built guy, who worked out assiduously, and was a workaholic, often being in his Wall Street office as early as six o'clock, and sometimes not leaving until ten o'clock at night, or so he said. He adored the company of women and loved teasing them, but stated without hesitation that he had sworn off sex and therefore serious dating. None of us believed him! There were too many times when he either reneged or wasn't available to meet us for an evening of fun and games, or dinner and the movies. We all felt he needed us to assure him that his masculinity and virility were still intact. But what was this strange feeling in my gut? Could Harry Jonathan Spruce really be trusted? Did he tell me the whole truth and nothing but the truth, or was there something he didn't tell me? Should I be prepared for the worst or the best? Well, I needed to ruminate and this did give me food for thought as I drove along the now quiet interstate, having left the heavy incoming city traffic far behind.

The Hounds Tooth Inn

The drive up was lovely. I stopped as needed and became a tourist, switching from the Interstate to US Route 1 and 1A, following the shoreline of New England with all the quaint and lovely spots where one could find marvelous food, easy parking, walk, shop, and even find a place to stay the night without any hassle. To hell with his directions! This was my time and I was already enjoying every minute. Before I realized it, I had spent nearly four days just enjoying myself, driving slowly throughout the region in a completely different capacity from any work-related issues and found, to my great delight, that New England was a marvelously magnificent part of this country not to be missed. It was one to be cherished as much as any other National Treasure, because so much of it had remained unchanged. The people had done everything possible, even in the more economically depressed areas, to keep their townships and historic sites clean and well-kempt, and their inns and motels in pristine order. And what was even more wonderful was the scenery! The Atlantic Ocean on one side, and the lush vegetation and gardens around homes and between towns lending their beautiful colors to the late September sky, still a brilliant blue with the sun blazing but not overly hot.

On the morning of the fifth day, after having veered away from the shoreline and back towards my initial destination, I awoke with a feeling of great agitation throughout my entire being. I was shaking so much I had trouble holding my toothbrush. After a quick call or two to find out if everyone was OK back home, I took a few very deep breaths, sat on the edge of the bed and began to cry and cry. The sobs racked me even further, but at least the shaking had stopped.

As I allowed this to pass through me, a light dawned in my brain. I had never cried after the divorce, even though it was two years ago now. I had never cried for me, for him, for our life together, for our joined families or for our joint work. I was a stalwart, and nothing penetrated, perhaps because I was not only used to being the stronger, but because I was too angry. I was still so God-damned angry, and over the ensuing years I had not even allowed myself to consider this. But now, I had no choice. Out came everything, pouring through me like Niagara Falls.

I was in a small hotel on Cape Ann, Massachusetts, with a room at the back where, thank God, no one could hear me, and after a hurried breakfast, wended my way back to Interstate 95, and drove hurriedly into Maine until the sun was almost ready to set. I had to switch from I-95 to Route 15 in order to reach the nearest larger town, Jonesport, before I collapsed. I had suddenly become very sleepy, cranky, and hungry all at the same time.

Maybe this was just a result of the morning's crying jag, or the fact that I'd been driving with only two short breaks for the past seven hours. I knew from HJS's directions that I had about forty-five minutes to an hour to go. He had shown me the shortcuts to reach Cutler, Maine, via a very circuitous route along the wonderfully craggy shoreline, that would lead me to my final destination.

I would love to tell you that for unknown reasons there was not a room to be had at any local inn, but that was not the case. It was almost as though I was expected at the quaint Hounds Tooth Inn, established circa 1850, where, as soon as I pulled in, a young man came out to the car, took the luggage I was reaching for, and almost carried all of us inside as the sun set with a brilliant pink and golden glow in the West.

Now, I have traveled near and far, and even though I am often impressed by my surroundings, I almost staggered when I entered this inn. Everything seemed to date from the mid to late 1800s. I half expected the innkeeper's wife or daughter to arrive at the desk in a long dress with a tight bodice and a cap on her head covering her hair, but allowing flirtatious ringlets to peak through around her peaches and cream complexion. Instead, as I approached the desk, I walked through a magnificently decorated early 1800s hallway full of beautifully carved wood, a settee, and five ornate but comfortable-looking chairs carved in what seemed to be ebony. With two crystal chandeliers with cups for candles providing light, I reached the beautifully carved desk that matched the chairs, and was greeted by two cats who leapt as one onto the desk. One was a large, barrel-chested shiny black male with what one could easily call a fox face, and the other a creamy latte-colored female with sable points on her ears and tail, similar to a Siamese, but not quite, as there were brilliant white boots and stockings going up all four legs and blending easily into the sable coloring with all colors blending into her creamy main color. She also had an exquisitely shaped white bib and as I peered further, her underbelly too, was white. The three of us just looked at each other for what seemed like ages, none of us moving an inch. There was no way anyone could have mistaken the sex of each feline. Not only did their sizes differentiate their sexuality, their demeanors did too. The black male looked as though all he needed was a tool belt and the female kept tilting her head from side to side while she studied me. I didn't even dare put out a hand to see if they were friendly. We just held each other's stares as all time and space seemed to disappear.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from All That Mattersby Jean Gerson-Greer Copyright © 2012 by Jean Gerson-Greer. Excerpted by permission of BALBOA PRESS. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.