Matchless
By Mr. AnonymousAuthorHouse
Copyright © 2012 Mr. Anonymous
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4685-4421-3Chapter One
Background
Here I was, Mr. Anonymous, driving with a small suitcase in my compact SUV to move back to Mom's after twenty-five years away. I left my home and the big lawn (good riddance), my wife (thank God), and my kids (this hurt) and our dog (this hurt too). Looking back, I missed the dog more than I missed my former wife, which tells you something about my marriage. I am not going to dwell here, but you know the old adage: if selfish were a picture in the dictionary, it would be of her—and she would be on the front cover and smiling! There are three kinds of people in this world: those who get, those who give, and those who get and give. Only the last one is enduring. You would think we were a perfect match—I would give, and she would get. But no one can live like that forever—although she can and still does! For that reason alone, she is a remarkable woman. However, I do have to concede that she always did give me one thing: blame.
My situation was settling in on me, and I embraced my new life as a divorced man—with needs—so I thought of dating. It had been two weeks since my separation, and I was ready—or at least I thought I was ready. I know that seems soon, but as I said, "I have needs." So I pondered the present and moved boldly to the future.
Now, you must recognize my situation: I lost most of my friends in the divorce—like everything else, she kept them. So I was stepping out on my own, almost totally, except for one guy—let's call him Sean y, a thirty-something I work with, forever single, good looking, fun, knows what's going on—so I sought his advice. Being a man of brief words, he simply said, "Internet dating". Those words just hung in the air as I pondered the meaning—and I liked it, I wanted in.
Chapter Two
Getting Started
I asked myself, How does one get started in the world of Internet dating? My only advice came from my new dating consigliere, Sean: "They're all the same. Just pick one, and it will walk you through it." You must understand that the last time I was dating, Mark Zuckerberg was probably in diapers, Twitter was a birdcall, and Vice President Gore was just getting starting on the Internet. My only computer was an old Commodore 64 that I used only to play some old golf game, just to hear it say, "That'll play," when I made a good shot. So this was all new to me ... but I pressed on.
I ran out to the local Starbucks for a large coffee—I never say "venti"; that bothers me for some reason. I thought about trying to strike up a conversation with the coffee lady, who was about my age, then thought not and ran home to get started. I Googled "Internet dating" and was overwhelmed by the choices—over nine hundred dating sites. I picked up the phone to consult Sean, and he suggested Manhunt.net. I questioned the name, but he assured me it was perfect for me. So I logged on—and soon realized that to use this site, I would need to alter my sexual preference (or I might need a new consigliere. Everybody is a comedian).
I settled on Match.com, because it looked free—or so I thought. As it turns out, all the sites charge if you want to contact someone, but it is well worth the money. I jumped in, ready to provide all the information to get started—and was instantly stuck in my tracks. Screen name? What the hell is a screen name? Why can't they just assign one? Screen names are very important—critical, in fact—and they can speak volumes about you. Are you funny? Creative? Practical? Romantic? Four hours later, I decided to use my initials and my birth date—not sure what that says about me, but at least I was getting in the game.
Internet Dating Tip: This is more for the ladies. (Remember, first impressions are critical to getting a response.) Come up with a decent screen name or just use your first name or initials and a birth date—please! Why? I found the following screen names during a ten-minute search on just one dating site. Here is what we men are thinking when we see names like these:
• "oldfashionvalues" (Will I ever get any?) • "scorpio" or "piscesgirl" (Get over the '60s and "What's your sign?" Does that even work anymore?) • "anyhonestonesleft" (No!) • "allotogive" (Probably a constant headache.) • "kittymeow" (WARNING: psychotic cat lady. Avoid at all costs.) • "stalker" (Really? I can't wait to give you a wink.) • "blahblah" (I would reach out to her.)
Now I was ready for the fun part: crafting my Internet identity. I answered every question, provided all the information, pertinent and otherwise ... and encountered my first problem. I am and always have been a very honest person. I was to learn, soon enough, that this is not the norm on Internet dating sites. I answered all the questions and completed my profile in half the time it took me to come up with a screen name. Everyone: be honest with your profiles. Men look at the photo, interests, job, and education—in that order. I am not sure for women but I would guess the order is education, job, interests, and then the photo; thus, the problem. As for me, I look at "political view" (if that's offered) right after the photo—as I learned to do after one date with an economically well-off, bleeding-heart, Obama- voting liberal. That was enough for me—never again. I'd rather remain celibate for life.
Internet Dating Tip: Do not indicate your income—you lose either way. If you make a lot of money, you will attract dependents, not dates. If you make too little money, you will attract no one. Since money is relative in every sense of the word, but you do not know what that relation is, just don't answer this question. Internet Dating Tip: Be honest. If you have never once in your life played tennis but think you might like it, and if you require mobility assistance to get off the couch to get a bag of fried pork rinds, just don't check the box. This is meant to be a profile of what you are like now and what you like to do now—not what you think you would like to become or take up some day. Internet Dating Tip: This one is for the creators of dating websites. Please provide more honest choices for activities and interests, as this would help everyone. For example:
Women: What do you like to do with your leisure time?
• Complain on the phone • Watch the Lifetime network 24/7 • Work, and if not working, talk only about work • Nothing • Supplement my food budget through Internet dating
Men: What do you like to do in your leisure time?)
• Complain about my ex-wife • Face paint and attend indoor-arena football games • Watch the Golf network 24/7 • Attend YMCA sensitivity workshops • Spend six hours on a Sunday afternoon at the Chinese Buffet.
My profile was finished—or so I thought—so I closed the screen and was immediately asked for a picture. Again, I was stuck. Should I skip this, or go buy a digital camera? My former wife—the one who kept everything—kept all the cameras too. So I rejected the request and moved on. I wasn't comfortable having my picture on the Internet anyway—I actually was somewhat embarrassed by the whole Internet dating idea anyway. My not posting a photo, though, was a mistake, as the Internet dating world reads no picture as "hideous clown-faced monster." Internet dating will work without a picture, but you'll need to work very hard, and you'll be e-mailing more often and sending out tons of winks—we'll get to that—and your response rate will be cut in half. After a few months, I added pictures.
Internet Dating Tip: Provide current pictures. I think members should be required to hold up a daily newspaper next to their pictures. We would all look like Middle Eastern hostages, of course, but we would have some level of proof that a current picture was provided. Also, avoid the self-held camera picture at arm's length. They are scary and tell everyone that you have no friends and haven't left your house in over six years. Finally, don't use professionally done photo shoots—they make you look desperate. Action shots are best—doing something you enjoy—from vacations, sporting events, fishing ... you get the picture.
Hang in there; we will be dating soon y. First, however, I feel the need to inform you about the pre-meet Internet dating process. It is extensive, and there is a lot to learn. This is work, and I'm not sure if anyone really enjoys this. Men like to hunt—they enjoy stalking women on the Internet—and women like the correspondence and getting to know someone over the Internet. You will be getting "matches," "eyes," "winks," and "e-mails," so you need to understand the real meaning of these Internet dating icons.
Internet Dating Tip: Icons—what do they really mean ... and what do I think of them? (I cover only the basic ones.)
• Match: the computer thinks you may like this person. (Bad. It's impersonal, and regardless of what the Internet dating company says or what your profile says, the site will try to match you with anyone. Don't be flattered.) • Eye: someone has read your profile but finds you unworthy of any response at all. (Bad. Don't bother to respond.) • Wink: someone read your profile, but you aren't worthy of the time it takes to craft an introductory e-mail—it takes only two seconds to wink and requires no thought. (Bad, but not as bad as the eye. Respond only if you are desperate.) • Mail: you got an e-mail. (Good—unless its one of the thousand "upgrade" e-mails from the dating site. If it's from another member, this is genuinely good. Check out the person's profile and respond immediately.)
Now for the work—constant e-mails and cyberspace chitchat. I have a rule here: after exchanging three or four e-mails, I will ask for her phone number. I get fifty to a hundred e-mails a day at work; I do not need any more. I figure if the person just wants to be pen pals, I'll direct her to a state correctional institution—prisoners have lots of time for writing to a pen pal; I do not. Remember, the goal here is a "meet"—this is where you will know if the budding relationship can leave the world of electronic chatter and enter the realm of physical, human interaction. When I started, I was not selective and would meet just about anyone. Looking back, not a good idea, but it did provide the idea and content for this book.
Internet Dating Warning: Internet dating can be addictive; it's not easy to get off these sites. I think—we all think—"I could do better," so that is why some of us will spend the rest of our lives on dating sites. I am off now and in love. For you Internet daters, you'll know you're in love when both of you say, "Let's get off Match together." It's the new "I love you"—or at least, "I think I could love you. Let's give it a shot."
Okay, here we go. Best way to get started: send out a bunch of e-mails or winks to folks you are interested in and then ... and then ... wait for the response. This is the tough part, because it's insulting if you send a nice e-mail and get no response. I usually blame the person—figure she went to Appalachian State University and can't read or got hit by a train that afternoon. It may not be true, but it's comforting. Sending out the initial contact is usually the men's job—we are the hunters here. Some ladies will send a first e-mail; I guess it's okay, but I find it a bit aggressive, and I am always cautious when responding to them.
Internet Dating Tip: For lady hunters—it's important to find a common interest (same school, same job, shared interest); otherwise, you are scary. I know it's not fair and may be sexist and not politically correct, but it is reality.
I started out by sending about twenty e-mails and ten winks, just to see what would happen. I always rushed home from work to see if anyone responded. First day: nothing. Next day: a bunch of responses. This was followed by seven days of cyberspace chitchat with a bunch of them, three days of introductory phone chats with a few of them, and a "Do you want to meet for drinks after work?" with one of them. Finally, I got a bite—I was in; my first date in over twenty years. How exciting!
I must say, I love Internet dating. It may seem like I am cynical or critical of Internet dating. Well, maybe I am, but what can be better than the sitting at home in my boxers, wearing a dirty old T-shirt I've had since college, not having showered in days, and watching a ball game, all the while looking for Miss Right?
If you have never tried it, do it—it's great. The best use of the Internet ever! You don't have to walk around some bar, looking at beautiful ladies (or handsome men) you know you will never talk to and then go home to your lonely house and your ambivalent dog.
I classify my Internet dates in three categories. First: one-hit wonders. This means I wonder what the hell I'm doing here—or she could be thinking that (but I am far too handsome and charming for that). There were lots of these. Second: relationships. We had something in relation—just not sure what it was. Or we had relations, and I'm not sure why. Well, I know why. Looking back, it was a bad idea, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. There were a few of these. Third: love. There was only one.
Chapter Three
One-Hit Wonder—Uneventful
I was so excited all day at work—couldn't stop thinking about my first date in over twenty years, and it was tonight. I kept thinking, I wonder what she looks like. She had no picture on her profile. Will she be interesting, funny, sexy, romantic, or maybe even mysterious? I would soon find out. I had my first "meet"—I was in the game. Life was great.
So I rushed home from work, got my hair cut, and took a shower. I was going to look my best. By the way, I have a limited wardrobe. I'm like a simplified offense for a football team—I have a few options and run them over and over again. I dressed in my typical khakis and a button-down shirt and a sweater—this was winter wear. In the summer I switch to a khaki shorts, a Tommy Bahama shirt, and Docksiders. It works and makes coordinating outfits much easier—everything goes with khakis.
I called her to confirm we were still on and to coordinate the "meet." She asked me to pick her up at her house. I was not sure if this was the norm, so I gave Sean a quick call on the way over. "What's the protocol for the first meet?" I asked. "She wants me to pick her up at her house."
Sean replied, "That's weird. Usually, they meet you at a restaurant or something. Maybe she doesn't own a car, or she could be a scorned, vengeful, serial-date killer with a loaded shotgun, waiting to kill the next guy who rings her doorbell."
I decided to take my chances on a car issue and continued on to her house. Sure enough, she had a jacked-up mint- green Ford Pinto with no rear wheels in the driveway. I felt better—kind of.
Internet Dating Warning: Ladies, never let the guy pick you up at your home—at least not until you rule out any and all sociopathic tendencies, and this may take a few dates. Allowing him to come to your home can be very dangerous. Not all guys are as nice and normal as I am, but for all my date knew, I could have been an ax murderer.
I pulled up, and as I was getting out of the car, she came running down the steps. I wasn't sure if she was running from something or running to me. Either way, I found it very bizarre that she was in a full sprint. I have no idea why she was running, but that will haunt me to the end of my days.
The moment we laid eyes on each other, I was deflated. She was completely and utterly uneventful. That date was less than two years ago, but I can't remember what her name was. Later, in my memories, I gave her the name Jane—as in a very plain Jane.
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Matchlessby Mr. Anonymous Copyright © 2012 by Mr. Anonymous. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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