CHAPTER 1
Loving My Self
I LOVE MY SELF. Me, with all my flaws and imperfections,my gifts, my talents, my reticence, my exuberance, myprocrastinations, my kindness, my laziness, my passions, myinsecurities, my sense of humor, my compassion, what societywould call my failures, my successes, what I deem to be mybeauty and the lack thereof. I LOVE ME!!!
I KNOW MY SELF. I have spent many years getting to knowme, to know myself, looking deeply into the dark corridorsof the house that is ME. I have looked. I have judged. I havedespised some of what I saw. From some corridors I have runscreaming in denial. "No. That is not me!" In humility I havereturned again and again until I could find acceptance and withacceptance, forgiveness. I have been guided on my journey bywise and all-loving Masters, by angels in my corner, and bythose who have walked beside me—friends, fellow disciples,family, teachers, and students. I have been guided and I havedone the work. Overcoming skepticism and stubbornness Ihave been willing to look. I wanted to know—to know myself.I wanted to know and to love ME. Myself. As I AM. Wholly andunconditionally
That, I now see, has been my path. Until now, I have called ita spiritual path and it has been that for certain. But what doesthat mean finally, a spiritual path? The mystics call it a path toenlightenment but enlightenment is so difficult to define andseems so far beyond who I am and what I can be. But Self Love?That I can grasp. And I can see that this has been my path allalong, no matter what it looked like at the time. Building asuccessful manufacturing business. Chanting and meditatingwith my Master at his ashram. Becoming the devoted disciple.Exploring my sexuality. Traveling the world. Guiding others intoa transcendent state. Sharing the wisdom I have gained. Livingquietly with family and friends. The common thread through itall? Seeking to know myself and love myself unconditionally.
This is my path—the path of self love. This is the purposeof my life. This, too, can be your path. You have come here toknow and love yourself unconditionally. You may choose notto. You are free. You may already be striding passionately downthis path. Good for you. You may perhaps see the path aheadof you but are hesitant to begin. I understand. The purposethis book is to share with you what I have learned, what hasworked for me in attaining greater love of self. Offered hereare insights, tools, techniques and personal stories to inspireand exemplify. This is SELF LOVE 101, a basic course in self-mastery.
My story. Who am I? We shall begin with "I was born....".In Texas. Upper middle class Catholic family. An easy, fairlynormal, small town growing up experience. University degreein business. I entered the family business after college andwith my dad started a door manufacturing company which bythe 1980's had become the most successful in the US. In themidst of my success and material wealth I had a life-changingexperience. Introduced unexpectedly to an extraordinary masterteacher, I was, despite great skepticism, swept into a journeyinto self-awareness, into loving the self. I was, quite simply,thunderstruck. I had had no idea that up to this point I really didnot know ME, did not know what I felt, what I really believed.Despite my worldly success I was riddled with self-doubt andself-judgment, especially regarding my sexuality. Although Iwas exploring my homosexuality I kept it very hidden frommost of the people around me. I was driven in all aspects of mylife by a deep desire to be loved—by my family, my friends, myemployees, my peers, my lovers, my teachers. By God. I did nothave a clue that what I was really driven by was the desire to beloved by me. Not a clue. Not then. Not for a long time.
My studies with this amazing teacher opened the doorwayinto myself. I began to see myself more clearly and love myselfmore easily. It was a beginning. A few years into my studies Iwas introduced to another teacher who became my SpiritualMaster. After a time his work took on the qualities of a spiritualpath very much in the Eastern tradition. Meditation, chant, yoga,devotional work, prayer, and always, always, the revelation ofoneself to oneself. In his approach everything that we are (eventhose dark corridors that we despise and judge) is good enoughto be loved. In his vernacular, "Everything is God. Everythingis good enough to be God. To be loved". It was his job, andours, to expose those dark corridors and find forgiveness forself. He did so relentlessly and with great love and compassion.We did so, haltingly, begrudgingly, steadily. It was a journeyboth illuminating and exhausting. We created an ashram in themountains of Oregon to which many of us retreated from ourlives out in the world to live and work and study together. ThisMaster is, in my experience, truly enlightened. Unconditionallove radiates from his being. He sees and knows everything.When you look into his eyes you know, in that moment, thatyou are loved and that you are worth loving.
In 1994, when I left the ashram, I wrote a book about theseawakening experiences and my journey with these two Masters.It is titled GOD IN A BLACK JAG. If you want to know moreabout this phase of my own path you can find it on my website:www.timothyernster.com.
Little did I know that when I left the Master's presencemy journey would truly begin. I had been given the wisdomand the tools. Now I would be pressed to apply them. On myown. Alone in the world. Twenty years have passed. I haveaccomplished much but I am still a work in progress. Sinceleaving the ashram I have traveled promoting the book and havegiven seminars on awakening to our own Christ Consciousness.I have led guided meditations for healing and transformation,and counseled many on their own life issues and challenges ontheir personal paths to loving themselves more completely. Ihave been the channel of grace that allowed healings to occur.I worked for a number of years with my good friend, Marie LiseLabonte, who is a successful author, channel, and teacher in thefield of self-healing and personal transformation and founderof the Method MLC. She introduced me to the French speakingcommunities in Quebec and Europe with whom I found formyself a spiritual home and an audience for my work.
Eight years ago I returned home to Texas, called by a desireto be closer to my aging parents and my family and to establishroots again after many years of living as a spiritual gypsy. Istopped teaching and became a realtor. I quietly maintainedmy spiritual practices and continued to walk the path that Inow define as the path of self love. I became private ratherthan public on my path. A year ago, while on a trip of self-explorationto Italy and France, I began to reflect upon mylife from the standpoint of 64 years well-lived. In reflecting,I began to write, to share my reflections, and to define moreclearly this path that I now see that I have been on for all ofthese 64 years. This book was birthed from those reflections.It has served me in gaining clarity and expanded my wisdomand understanding. It is my prayer that it can also serve you.Welcome to SELF LOVE 101.
Through my own journey I have come to realize that, finally,the path toward enlightenment that we hear and read so muchabout is much more about gaining self-knowledge and self-lovethan it is about any particular form of worship or spiritualpractices. The means to gain that knowledge and love is at yourfingertips. The world around you will always reflect to you whatyou need to see about yourself—that aspect of yourself that youdo not accept, that you do not love, that you judge. You need onlythe desire to know and the willingness to look. Once you make apersonal decision, a true commitment to know yourself and loveyourself, the Universe will supply you with all the teachers andmirrors that you require. Yes, you need also to seek out wisdomso that you can understand what you are seeing and so that youhave tools with which to reconcile. The wisdom is out there. Thetools are many. "Ask and you shall receive."
In that you have read this far I am going to assume thatyou are also at a place in your life of reflecting upon your life,of questioning:
"Why with all that I have, I have not peace?
Why with all those around me who love me do I notfeel loved?
What is my purpose in life?
Why am I here?"
Yes, those questions and many more. Good. I am goingto continue then to share with you what I have learned, theanswers I have received through the life I have lived and thewisdom I have gained. I know that from sharing with you I willgain even greater clarity and receive refined understandingsof the answers to my own similar questions. My masters andteachers gave me great and ancient teachings, truths that havestood the test of time. Such wisdom that I now own arrivedlong after the receipt of the teachings, came only throughthe attempt to live what I had been given, through ardentapplication, with patience and compassion for myself.
To have had the opportunity to study with an EnlightenedMaster gives one an advantage for sure. Nothing else in myown life can begin to compare to that experience. I have beenblessed beyond measure. There is no greater evocation of self-lovethan gazing into the Master's eyes and seeing only love,unconditional and eternal, reflected back to you. No judgment.To understand that the Master sees all, knows all of your "dirty"secrets, and still there is only love. Such a reflection is preciousand priceless. And yet it is also only the beginning, a taste ofwhat is true, of what is possible. It allows you to feel in thatmoment that you are indeed worth loving unconditionally. Youdo not know it yet but you can at least begin to believe in thepossibility. To know it you must look openly and honestly atall of the aspects of yourself that you judge to be unworthy oflove. As I said before, if you do not have a Master to exposeyou to yourself, the world around you will do so—unfailingly.The classroom of Self Love 101? You are already in it.
It begins with those closest to you—your family, lovers,close friends, co-workers. They are your mirrors. They will revealyou to yourself. They become your teachers. Life, your life,becomes your teacher. The signs and messages will appear. Youmust have the willingness and the awareness to notice them.
I quote from one of Paulo Coelho's inspiring books, "TheZahir":
"All you have to do is to pay attention; lessons alwaysarrive when you are ready, and if you can read the signs,you will learn everything you need to know in order totake the next step."
And so, although I left the outward work of personaltransformation (studying with teachers, teaching others) whenI returned to Texas, I did not quit the process of growth towardgreater self-love. Indeed, I returned to the core issues revolvingaround family—parents and siblings—still unresolved andbegging to be healed. They became my classroom, my ashram,the school of my self-awareness. The stronger aspects of ourconditioning are born there with those with whom we grewup, those who first influenced our feelings of self-worth andself-love, those who first taught us who we need to be, how weneeded to behave, in order to be loved. At a time when we arethe most vulnerable, these conditions penetrate our soul andconsciousness, our mind and body. The rules are established."I will love you if....". This we call conditioning. From there itcontinues in the classroom, through the media, in churches,temples, and synagogues, in the work place, and in our culturalenvironment. But the beginning is in the family and these arethe most firmly rooted conditions. I had conquered many butobviously not all.
Being dedicated to the process, I therefore foundmyself called home to complete the healing, to find greaterunconditional love of myself where the conditional was firstimpressed upon me, to explore the nuances, the subtleties,looking into the mirrors called mother, dad, brother, sister. Ithas not been a painful or difficult look. I have done a lot of workon myself over the past 25 years. It has been more of an easinginto loving acceptance, of being at peace with that which theyreflect to me; accepting "them" with love more unconditional,well aware that in so doing I am accepting the part of me thatthey reflect or represent. It has been an internal process. Theyare not even aware that it is happening. We are simply livingour lives in close proximity. There is no need to discuss the"issues". They are my issues, my reflections. It is not about themand certainly not about changing them. It is about me—miningthose final nuggets of gold called "that which I do not love ofmyself". It has been a beautiful experience mostly although notalways easy. And after eight years, I feel that the work is nearlydone. Now I am ready to teach again, to share with others likeyou what I have learned on this life-long journey, this path, thePath of Love of Self.
CHAPTER 2
Life Purpose
This book was birthed from a contemplation on life from thevantage point of sixty some accumulated years well lived. Thatcontemplation reflects the spiritual wisdom gained, the wisdomof a deeply explored self. It also reflects the influence of traveland the exploration of other cultures, lifestyles, religions. Ishare the fruits of that contemplation in the form of a guide,a path to follow, a basic course in self-mastery. It is my desirethat in sharing with you in this way, you and I will discovergreater truths about ourselves, find the courage to accept theserevealed truths lovingly and without judgment, and go forwardto complete our lives with the richness and fullness they wereintended to be. I will offer you tools and exercises that haveworked effectively for me in my life and in my desire to lovemyself, and therefore others, with greater compassion and lessjudgment.
Regardless of your age or gender, if you are at that pivotalplace in your life where the deeper questions begin to eatat you, this book is for you. You are ready for Self Love101. Myself, I began the questioning in my early thirties.On my own journey I encountered men and women of agesranging from seventeen to eighty, all asking the same eternalquestions:
"What is my purpose in life?"
"Why am I here?"
"What happens to me when I die?"
"How can I find peace?
"Is there something particular
that I have come to do?"
I believe that there is—something that you came to do. Iam also one of those who believe that we live many lifetimes.The spiritualists would say "past lives", the quantum physicists,"parallel lives". Must you agree with me on this subject in orderto benefit from this book? Absolutely not! Do try to keep anopen mind though. You might be surprised to discover howsuch a concept makes "all things clear".
If you are someone who has pondered the question ofpurpose, I present to you a possibility. What if your purposeis simply to know yourself and to love yourself as you cometo know the real truths about who you are. Even all the "bad"stuff, the dirty little secrets. What if every situation withinwhich we find ourselves, we find ourselves there mainly for theopportunity it presents—to know and to love ourselves. Thefamily that we are born into. The circumstances. The place andtime. Events that occur near and far. Our friends and lovers. Ourspouses. The children born to us. Our many jobs and careers.The challenges. Every encounter, large and small. The teachers,students, teammates. The conflicts. The unfortunate befallings.The successes. The failures. The delights. The dismal drudgery.The passions. The fears. The talents. The journeys, holidays,delays. The accidents. The miracles.
What if finally it doesn't really matter so much what we door who we are with or where we go? What if what matters mostis the consciousness, one could say the attitude, with whichwe approach the doing and the being with and the going to?What if every person, place and thing that we encounter inevery moment, with every breath, is met with the attitude, theconsciousness, that this is yet another opportunity to know andlove ourselves? What if that is the purpose of your life? Yes,you may be called from within to do something specific—tobe a teacher, a singer, a parent, a successful businessperson,to create this or that. Yes, you may be drawn by heart and soultowards someone and something and some place specific.It is no accident that you are. Be wise and trust. Follow thatinclination. Your inner wisdom is wiser than you know. But thesethings, persons, places, they are the tools, the opportunities,not the purpose. The purpose, I believe, is to know and loveYOU.
