ARE YOU A SURVIVOR OF ABUSE OR A VICTIM OF ABUSE? HOW DO YOU IDENTIFY YOURSELF?

It is very common for survivors of abuse to report that their abuse was not as bad as most and many have said, "It could have been worse." For example, stating appreciation that they were only sodomized repeatedly and not vaginally raped, or stating the predators stopped raping them after they became a woman and they "... got their period". Most of those abused did not report it at the time of the event and it gets "placed on a mental shelf", "shoved under the rug", or it's "too embarrassing to admit, so it has gone unsaid." Many have said they "thought just letting it go would make it go away."

Most of them report reasons including but not limited to the following:

• "I'm too scared to tell."

• "It was too long ago"

• "No one will believe me."

• "What's the point?"

• "Worse happens to others."

• "At least it was only one time."

• "It was my fault."

• "I didn't scream loud enough or struggle enough."

• "Maybe I provoked it."

• "Maybe I liked it."

• "I let it happen."

• ... and several other misconceptions such as these.

My intention is to face the issue and guide the abused to realize that there is a light within you that never goes out and the pain will subside. You will change while healing if you allow the light within you to glow once again.

It saddens me that several people by nature can be so devious. Many ask me why this is so. Many people, especially children make themselves vulnerable because they try to see the good in people and see past the bad. Children are trusting and can be manipulated easily and this is why many predators target them. It is sometimes sensed as a sick world lately. There are so many internet websites that are too dangerous. There are children that are exposed to pornographic material that is extremely inappropriate yet easily accessible and is often exchanged with friends. I have found that it is common now for teens to engage in "sexting," which is exchanging nude photos of themselves. They do not understand the ramifications of the photo possibly going public or being exposed through massive social media. This social media has been a curse and a tool for cyber bullying, immature exposure, child pornography, serial killing, and other forms of revenge, hatred, bullying, false sexual advertisement (including pedophilia and inappropriate dating sites) and painful incidents to others.

I myself try to follow Christ and "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Not all people are this way and when faced with a person like that, it is important to know that that is their problem and not yours. People treat others poorly because they have a problem within themselves and not with you. In regards to how you handle your abuse, it is not what has happened to you in your past that defines who you are. It is how you handle the situation or any difficult situation that shows your true and divine character.

Are all people bad? What makes a person behave as such a sick predator? Some say it is because they are a product of their environment. Some religions say they all are born with "original sin" and need the Sacrament of Baptism in order to be cleansed of sin, but that does not always make someone a good person.

Is it a fact that all people are innately bad? No. Should you always use universal precautions to protect your safety and the safety of your loved ones? Absolutely. Should you be concerned of the safety of your children? Always. Can you recognize a Pedophile? Never. Do you know when you are speaking to a sociopath? No.

Actually, people with the diagnosis of "Antisocial Personality Disorder" (commonly known as Sociopath, Psychopath, etc ...) are often characterized as being very charming, often good looking, and extremely manipulative. It is very difficult to identify a person such as this at first, unless you are a trained professional. I have learned this through years of working with the mentally ill.

I generally have each client complete a homework assignment, in which they must answer this question, "Are you a 'victim' or 'survivor' of sexual abuse or incest ... are you a survivor or a victim and why?" The assignment allows them to disclose what happened and how they feel that they have survived years of dealing with all of the aftermath of the abuse, especially years later after their assault/assaults. They have at this time, minimal idea of what they have been dealing with or what has made them such a survivor. After all of the counseling and empowerment I have them rewrite their essay and I find a dramatic difference in their writing and more empowerment than they have ever known in years.

"All I have left is a broken heart and some scars, No friends, No hope, And when I think that I'm dead, Someone breaks my heart once again ... But I'm not dead, because when you are dead, you can no longer see the bright light ahead." Anonymous

* EXERCISE FOR SELF IMPROVEMENT: WRITE AN ESSAY: "AM I A VICTIM OR AM I A SURVIVOR AND WHY"

WHY SEEK COUNSELING FOR SEXUAL ABUSE TRAUMA THAT HAPPENED YEARS AGO?

I am fascinated that survivors of childhood abuse eventually find it within themselves to finally seek professional help after years of keeping the shame and guilt associated with their past abuse a secret. I say that I am "fascinated" because I believe that these people are some of the bravest of my clientele. Rather than ignoring their past and trying to just deal with the memories, they approach therapy with the mindset they will no longer suffer and something has to be done and it is time to heal from the pain.

Seeking help and admitting that one was violated and abused takes a lot of effort and commitment. It is usually a very shameful thing to talk about, as most survivors of abuse often feel some sort of embarrassment related to the incident (though not their fault). There is often fear of judgment, where they fear that if someone knew, they would look at them differently. There must be a commitment to enter therapy honestly and without withholding any information. Several clients take months to finally admit the truth which takes the path to healing much longer. The truth is what leads the survivor to emotional healing.

If a person avoids dealing with the abuse and not validating that it was not their fault, understanding the shame and fear involved, understanding the confusion they lived with all of those years, and wondering "why me", they generally end up with feelings of resentment which then lead to anger. It may lead to feelings of loss of control, the need to have control, inappropriate relationships, self-mutilation, substance abuse for a need to "escape", eating disorders, and flash backs related to the trauma.

** EXERCISE FOR SELF IMPROVEMENT: COMPLETE A LETTER TO YOUR MOTHER, FATHER, OR WHOMEVER YOU FELT KNEW AND DID NOTHING TO HELP YOU. IT IS NOT NECESSARY TO GIVE IT TO THEM, JUST GET OUT ALL OF YOUR EMOTIONS THAT HAVE BEEN BOTTLED UP SO THAT YOU MAY HAVE CLOSURE. EVEN IF THE PERSON IS NO LONGER PHYSICALLY LIVING ON THIS EARTH OR ABLE TO BE REACHED, IT WILL STILL PROVIDE CLOSURE.

WHO ARE THE PREDATORS AND WHEN ARE CHILDREN REALLY SAFE?

* CAN WE EVER REALLY IDENTIFY A PREDATOR?

When is a child safe from a predator or becoming a victim of sexual abuse? I would like to say there are safe places, such as our homes, with family, with relatives, or trusted friends, but it would not be true in all cases. In fact, predators come in all shapes and sizes.

I received a call requesting an evaluation for an eight year old boy "Josh", who had been reportedly sexually abused in 1st grade and never received counseling for the incident. His step father called in for the appointment, upfront admitting that this should have been done when it happened, but they thought they talked to him enough and that he would be okay. Josh and his mother reported to the first session of counseling after an incident happened at his Elementary School in 1st grade. Six boys were affected by one that was being abused and it happened in the school bathroom. Although it wouldn't affect my mandated obligation to report any additional findings of sexual abuse or inappropriate behavior that I was informed of by this boy, I was ultimately relieved by his mother's cooperation to report any other findings. She wanted to know what was going on with her child and get him all of the help he needed.

My own children were visiting that day. It was coincidental that my husband came by the day of the initial visit with Josh. It seemed to comfort both the mother and Josh that my children were at the office. First of all, Josh found the office environment to be a friendly place, with chocolate chip cookies, sodas and snacks served and he also had other children to play with. His mother seemed comforted as she knew I was obviously a mother myself and could relate to her pain and concern. I spoke to her as a mother, as well as an expert in sexual abuse and incest survivors. Josh and my son were only months apart in age, both in 3rd grade. They were pleasantly entertained by video games on our smart phones as his intake was being completed.

She had informed me that he was very nervous coming into counseling, as he had been questioned by police, HRS, Child Services, and School Personnel, however he was never sent to counseling until this visit. Josh had begun showing signs of abuse and had been acting inappropriately. As we discussed some of Josh's behaviors honestly and she reported what he had been doing, the thought crossed my mind that any other mother at that time would have scooped up her children and kindly left with no intention of ever allowing her children around Josh ever again.

My heart went out to this passionate mother and her beautiful, yet, confused little boy, just months older than my first born. I am well aware that the mother did nothing wrong and was not a bad parent. The incident happened and I reassured her that we could only change the future, not the past, and I would work diligently to help her and Josh. He was exposed to a violent act that we all warn our children about, but the twisted part of the story was his predator and initial violator was another boy his age. ANOTHER 6 YEAR OLD BOY. We warn our children to say no to drugs, to not talk to strangers, to not pet dogs we don't know, and look both ways before crossing the street. Who warns a 6 year old (Josh was initially violated at age 6 in 1st grade) to beware of another 6 year old asking them to "lick their part" and that it is wrong? No don't say beware of other children. Bullies yes, but not other children that are capable of performing sexual acts.

During the following session, the stepfather and mother were present with Josh and his baby brother. The mother left the room in order to give us some privacy as the baby was actively making noises and being adorably playful, yet a distraction to the serious topic that was awaiting us. The stepfather sat in the session and listened as Josh and I began talking.

I reminded him that the first time he visited me he met my children. He remembered and was pleased to hear that my son asked when he would be able to play with him again. Josh appeared a bit embarrassed and ashamed, as he has been told he was "bad and inappropriate" by others that have been trying to help discipline his behavior, not understanding what they were really dealing with. He spoke and as he told me what his interests were (girls, girlfriends, cable ...) he reminded me of other male victims immediately that didn't come for help until adulthood. I spoke to him as I would the adult clients. In a way a child could understand, but a child that understood adult things, sexual feelings, and violation of boundaries, consensual or not. As it is very common, Josh sat close to me at first, not aware of proper boundaries and in my "bubble," as he didn't have his own "bubble" any more. The bubble of personal space usually disappears with any child that is sexually abused.

Josh proceeded to tell of stories of inappropriate contact with his cousins. One was three years old and he had her perform oral stimulation on him. Another that involved having sex with his Aunts that were teenagers. Josh looked at me petrified after he told the stories. He has been disciplined and spoken to about this before, as he stated that "I know she was only three and it was bad of me and inappropriate ..."

My response to Josh prompted him to give me a hug. I said, "Look at me, Josh. It was not your fault. I do not see you as a bad boy. I already knew why you were here to see me before I met you. I still allowed you to play with my children.

Do people allow bad kids around their own children?"

Josh shook his head and said, "No."

"You were shown something that felt good to you and no one really talked to you about it the way they should have. You can't possibly understand why it is bad. You are a kid."

"I'm in third grade," he replied.

"Yes, that's right. You are a child. You only know bad and good. Truth and lies. Candy verse eating your vegetables."

"I do eat my vegetables," he said.

"Well, what that boy did to you didn't hurt you, did it?"

"No."

"Right, it didn't hurt you and it probably actually kind of felt good to you, am I right?"

"Yeah."

"So why would you think it was so bad?" Josh nodded and dropped his head and looked at the floor.

Josh looked up at me as I tried to explain more.

"Do you play sports, Josh?"

"Yes."

"Have you ever been hit with a ball where it hurts?"

"Yes"

"That's why we wear the protective uniform, right?"

"Yes, and one time I was hit in my spot during recess and it really hurt, because I didn't have protection on my spot".

We discussed how the term spot actually originated from the term "No-No Spot" and the obvious reasons why it is a NO Spot. Not only for private reasons but because it hurts when it gets hit. Things a child understands.

A child that is abused, especially one that doesn't receive help, grows up confused that they did something bad that felt good, and carries the shame associated with feeling good from something really bad and not clearly understanding why it was bad. They consider themselves to be bad people because of enjoying something that was told was so bad and carried guilt and shame for not thinking it felt bad.

** WRITE A LETTER TO YOUR "CHILD SELF"

The following letter was written by true and non-fictional survivor of ongoing abuse:

"Dear Innocent Daniel,

I want you to know that I now understand why you were and have been so scared. You are innocent and too young to understand everything that happened as well as the reasons it happened. You were vulnerable to a demon predator. I have a strong, deep desire for you to feel innocent and free, as a 6 year old should. I am grateful that we are both here and able to work through these issues together. I am sorry that we both have had to carry the guilt and shame all these years. You are just a young, innocent child. When it began, you didn't even know what sexual abuse was. How could you? You believe that that sick kid's parents were friends with our mom and dad or at least had come over to visit you and your family on the street you grew up.

To you, this basically defined this boy as a "friend," he was "friends" with your brother and they traded stamps together, something you desired to be a part of, and therefore; you viewed him as "family." The smell of that basement, the fresh concrete, the sounds of the basement and the air conditioning system, remain triggers for both of us. His manipulation of you is unconscionable as well as his use of the word "secret" that reminds you of his inappropriate touching, has turned us into somewhat of a cynic where we have trouble trusting people and are not trusting of those who are trying to manipulate you or any situation that we find ourselves in. As we continue this process, I will help you learn to deal with these triggers. You didn't know what he was doing when he began to fondle you. You could not have comprehended that it was wrong. It felt good. How could something that felt so good, be wrong? He knew you wanted to belong to their group and participate in their Stamp Collecting. He knew you wanted to be accepted and loved and to feel like one of the older kids. As he stroked your penis, he told you this was normal and that it would feel good and offered you a reward [bribe] for your silence that he knew you really wanted. He was "family" and you had been taught to believe family is one of the greatest things in life. In your small world being a child, family and close family friends mean everything to you and he used that against you. He took our innocence as well as our basic understanding of intimacy and our sense of morality, especially when it comes to sex. Although we both have believed for so long that it was our fault, it ABSOLUTELY was NOT your fault. He manipulated you and replaced your voice with his, the voice of a monster, a predator. I have recently learned that it is not too late for you to be heard ... so I want you to know that I hear you loud and clear!