It's a startling statistic. Fifty percent of first-time marriages will end in divorce. Most people start a marriage by living happily ever after, but they often fail to maintain that status. In The Ten Laws of Happily Ever After, author and relationship coach Trevor J. Dimick presents ten universal laws of life that will provide couples with the principles to create a satisfying, long-term marriage full of love. By following the principles presented in Dimick's guide, couples can repair a broken marriage, fortify a strong marriage, help prevent broken families, and create blissful, lasting relationships. He communicates that the key to creating strong marriages revolves around ten universal laws: • The Law of Choice • The Law of Symptoms • The Law of Kingdoms • The Law of Change • The Law of Focus • The Law of Needs, Wants, and Expectations • The Law of Love • The Law of Communication • The Law of Side Effects • The Law of Marriage The Ten Laws of Happily Ever After strives to create a better world by strengthening marriages and families everywhere. Everyone deserves to live happily ever after.
The 10 Laws of Happily Ever After
The Secret to a Satisfying MarriageBy Trevor J. DimickTrafford Publishing
Copyright © 2011 Trevor J. Dimick
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4269-5392-7Contents
Preface..................................................................viiNote to the Reader.......................................................ixIntroduction.............................................................xiChapter 1: Universal Laws................................................1Chapter 2: The Law of Choice.............................................5Chapter 3: The Law of Symptoms...........................................11Chapter 4: The Law of Kingdoms...........................................19Chapter 5: The Law of Change.............................................27Chapter 6: The Law of Focus..............................................39Chapter 7: The Law of Needs, Wants, and Expectations.....................49Chapter 8: The Law of Love...............................................59Chapter 9: The Law of Communication......................................69Chapter 10: The Law of Side Effects......................................77Chapter 11: The Law of Marriage..........................................85Conclusion...............................................................93A Personal Word..........................................................95
Chapter One
Universal Laws
How many times have we seen a news report of someone being run over by a train after failing to stop the train with their bare hands? I hope our answer is never. Why is the news filled with stories about people doing unintelligent things, but never trying to stop a train with their bare hands? Trying to stop a train with our bare hands is an act that contradicts a universal law of physics known as the laws of motion. The law of motion is well known and understood by all. It is taught in schools, sports, and life. Universally, the act of trying to stop a train with our bare hands is considered unintelligent. Whereas drinking and driving is only considered stupid by those who are sober. This is why we never see a news report of someone trying to stop a train with their bare hands, but will often see news reports of drunk driving. The law of motion is universally accepted as stupid, whereas drinking and driving is only accepted as stupid by the sober.
Universal laws are found throughout every part of life. Universal laws of mathematics include the laws of addition and subtraction. No matter where you go in the world, 1 + 1 = 2. Physics includes universal laws such as motion and gravity. We learn about universal laws of science and mathematics in school. The universal laws of life are not taught in school.
Some people may argue that laws limit or control us and our ability to succeed. The truth is that freedom to succeed can only exist within the limits of laws. A good example of this would be traffic laws. One could not successfully get from Point A to Point B safely without traffic laws. Stop signs, yellow lines, and speed limits all give us the freedom to successfully go where we want.
Universal laws exist in every discipline of life and must be followed in order to achieve success in that discipline, for example:
? Gravity and motion are laws of physics (laws required to fly). ? Addition and subtraction are laws of mathematics (laws required to balance your bank account). ? Interest and wealth are laws of finances (laws required to create wealth). ? Choice and change are laws of success (laws required to achieve success). ? Focus and love are laws of marriage (laws required for Happily Ever After).
Universal laws apply to everyone—there are no exceptions. Everyone who jumps out of an airplane will fall to the ground. Anyone who subtracts more than they add to their bank account will overdraft their account. Everyone who can achieve desired change will achieve success.
Happily Ever After can only be achieved by following the universal laws of Happily Ever After.
Chapter Two
The Law of Choice
The law of choice states that two paths diverge from one. Which one will you follow? Every second of every day, we are presented with a choice. Choosing to be married is not a onetime choice we made on our wedding day, but a choice that we make every day. Every second of every day, we choose which path to follow. One path leads to our true north—the other leads to our magnetic north.
Our True North Path
Our true north is what we want out of life. It is what will truly bring us success, joy, and abundance. The path of our true north creates a life full of success, peace, satisfaction, joy, and abundance. When we are following our true north path, we are in control of our lives. When we are in control of our lives every second of every day, we are consciously responding to the choice presented to us in a way to support what we want. When we are in control of our lives, we create the lives we want. Happily Ever After is found on our true north path. This is why we choose to get married. We believe that marrying our prince or princess will bring us success, joy, and abundance. No one says "I do" because he or she wants to be miserable for the rest of his or her life. Yet, too often, marriage becomes miserable because we choose to follow our magnetic north.
Our Magnetic North Path
Magnetic north is also called our automatic or natural north. This path is the result of the automatic or natural reactions that we make every second of every day. Every second of every day, we are presented with choices; some of these choices are made consciously, others are made unconsciously as a result of our habits, routines, present thoughts, and emotions. Magnetic north satisfies our short-term lusts and desires and fosters selfishness, the cancer of all relationships. Our magnetic north creates a life full of frustration, deception, instant gratification, long-term regret, hopelessness, and stress. When we follow our magnetic north, our actions are an automatic reaction to our environment. We give up our freedom to respond and automatically react based on our current thoughts, emotions, routines, or habits. We give control of our lives to our environment. When our environment has control of our lives, we end up with whatever life gives us.
True North vs. Magnetic North
The needle on a compass always points toward magnetic north. The difference between true north and magnetic north on a compass varies only a few degrees. If we were to vary our course a few degrees while crossing the street, it would not change our end result. Varying our course a few degrees while flying from California to New York would cause us to completely miss our end result. We would never reach our desired destination. When it comes to marriage, we often start out headed in the right direction, but we allow our course to vary a few degrees, which at the time does not seem to affect our end results on a day-to-day basis. Over time, this small day-to-day variance in our course puts us farther away from our desired results. Before we know it, we wake up one morning and realize that our Happily Ever After is gone. We look back and think we were young, stupid, and blinded with love. We come to the realization that we are stuck with the marriage we have and the only way out is divorce. We can choose to survive or endure our current marriage or we can choose to get out. Some choose to endure because they have accepted the idea that this is the way life and marriage really are. Others choose to end the marriage and refuse to accept the idea that life and marriage should be this way.
There is another alternative that we have not discusses yet. Take control of life to create a Happily Ever After marriage. Every second of every day, we can choose support our Happily Ever After marriage. Learn and follow The 10 Laws of Happily Ever After. Happily Ever After is possible if we choose to have it. It does not matter how good or bad your relationship is right now. The 10 Laws of Happily Ever After is the key to maintaining or recreating a marriage full of love, passion, satisfaction, and bliss. The choice is ours. The choice is always ours if we are in control of our lives. If we forfeit our agency, and automatically react to life, we give up our freedom to create the life and marriage we want. We can blame our unhappiness and misery on work, money, kids, sex—or the lack thereof—but when it comes right down to it, it is our choice to create the marriage we want or to forfeit our agency to our environment and hope that it gives us what we want.
Happily Ever After can only be achieved by making the choice every second of every day to support our Happily Ever After.
The Law of Choice Assignment
1. Make a list of all the good choices you have made today and why you chose to do them. Have you done anything to support your marriage and/or spouse? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
2. Make a list of all the bad choices you have made today and why you chose to do them. Have you done anything to damage or hurt your marriage or spouse? __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
Chapter Three
The Law of Symptoms
The law of symptoms states that symptoms are indicators of a problem, but they are not the problem. Treating symptoms will not resolve the problems. Treating symptoms will only bring temporary relief to the symptoms that have been caused by the problem. Relationship problems and symptoms work just as our bodies do.
Problems with our physical bodies such as broken bones will produce symptoms of pain, heat, and swelling. Since broken bones are not always visible, our bodies produce symptoms to inform us of the problem. Because the symptoms are very obvious to us, we naturally or automatically want to treat the symptoms by following our magnetic north. Our parents or doctors tell us how we need to treat the problem. Pain relievers may temporarily relieve the pain from the broken bone, but will not treat the broken bone. If we ignore the broken bone or the problem long enough by treating the pain or symptoms, the problem will never be fixed. Most likely, it will create other problems that will create more symptoms.
Relationship Symptoms are Indicators of Relationship Problems
Our relationships work much the same way as our bodies do. When there is a problem with our relationships, our relationship will produce symptoms to inform us of the problem. The problems are not always visible—or at least we choose not to notice them if they are. The symptoms on the other hand are apparent and difficult to hide or ignore. Symptoms of our relationships are similar to that of our bodies and cause discomfort and pain, limiting our ability to function. We treat the symptoms because it appears easier and faster at the moment and then hope that the problem will go away, but as with a broken bone, the problem will not go away and typically creates more problems and symptoms. A good example is unmet needs.
Unmet needs are a common problem in relationships. Unmet needs produce symptoms such as disappointment, frustration, anger, and resentment. Over time—if unmet needs are not resolved—the problem will create more obvious symptoms such as excessive arguments, avoidance, and other destructive behaviors. Over time, our emotional symptoms—as well as our actions—can be very damaging to our relationships.
Divorce appears to be the fix-all solution to every relationship problem and the symptoms associated with them. Unfortunately, divorce is not a fix-all solution. Our ex-spouse will have just as many, if not more, unmet needs as our ex did when we were married. Divorce tends to be a form of avoidance or escape. Don't get me wrong, divorce can be a very good thing when any form of abuse is present. I am just saying that divorce can be very deceitful. We tend to view it as a way to resolve or escape our problems, but it creates and brings its own set of problems.
Our relationship problems follow us from one relationship to the next. This contributes to the higher divorce rate for second and third marriages. We end one relationship hoping it will fix our problems, but it only creates more problems and we take those same problems with us to the next relationship. Divorce is not always the best solution.
Treat the Problems—Not the Symptoms
A better solution is to learn to recognize and treat the relationship problems instead of treating the symptoms. Treating the relationship symptoms does three things. First, it creates a short-term fix for the symptom as a pain reliever does with a broken bone. A good example is avoiding your spouse to reduce the disagreements and arguments. Avoidance is the treatment for the symptoms of arguments and disagreements. It may reduce the number of arguments at first because you do not spend as much time together.
Secondly, it creates more symptoms. Avoidance does not actually reduce the arguments and disagreements—it only postpones and reschedules them. Rescheduling only intensifies the argument or disagreement because it allows more time to prepare a more convincing argument. It allows time for you and your spouse to build a stronger case against each other, making it more difficult to find a common ground. The more intense the disagreement and arguments, the more damaging it can be to the relationship.
Thirdly, it complicates and creates more problems. Intensified disagreements and arguments lead to destructive behaviors—both verbal and non-verbal. Every disagreement and argument becomes more intense and destructive, creating and fostering selfishness. Instead of working together as a team in the relationship, we become separate individuals building cases against each other and convincing ourselves how right and good we are and how wrong and bad our spouse is. We overlook our own faults and set ourselves on a pedestal while we degrade and demean our spouse—all for the sake of being right or winning the disagreement. After a while, all we see in our spouse is the same degraded and demeaned person we created and we blame them for changing and become this person that we cannot stand to be around.
Treating the relationship's symptoms instead of the problems will destroy the relationship. Treating the relationship's problems eliminates all the symptoms associated with the problem. Just as with a broken bone, once the bone is treated correctly, the pain, heat, and swelling are also resolved and eliminated.
If we treat the unmet needs, the disappointment, frustration, anger, and resentment will also be eliminated. It is much easier to meet our spouse's needs than it is to treat all of the symptoms associated with those unmet needs. The secret is understanding the law of needs, wants, and expectations that are discussed later in this book. Meeting the needs of our spouse often requires us to sacrifice our own needs. Sacrifice cultivates love for—and from—our spouse. Love motivates us to sacrifice. Treating the problem not only resolves the problems and symptoms, but it also cultivates and fortifies our relationships.
Happily Ever After can only be achieved by treating our relationship's problems—not the symptoms.
The Law of Symptoms Assignment
1. Make a list of all the marital/relationship problems you have. __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
2. Think about each problem and try to figure out whether it is truly a problem or a symptom. Circle or put a star next to the problem. __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________
Once you finish the book, come back and see if you can figure out which universal law will resolve your problems
Chapter Four
The Law of Kingdoms
The law of kingdoms states that the king or queen makes—and enforces—the rules. Each one of us is the king or queen of our own kingdom. Our kingdom is the world through our eyes. Individually, we live in our own world with its own set of laws. Our laws dictate how the world should be and how we and others should behave. As the king or queen, we make the laws and enforce the laws of our kingdom. For example, the speed limit may be posted at sixty-five miles per hour. As the king of my own kingdom, I may have a law that indicates that the speed limit is ten miles per hour faster than the posted speed limit. This means that I can drive seventy-five miles per hour. No two kingdoms are exactly the same. The individual driving in front of me may have a law in their kingdom stating that the speed limit is ten miles per hour under the posted speed limit. When two kingdoms have contradicting laws, it creates conflict. One or both kingdoms are required to break their own laws to accommodate the other. Kingdoms may have similar laws; for example, have you ever approached three cars driving at the same speed in the same direction? If the three drivers have similar laws that indicate that the speed limit is less than the posted speed limit, it can create a lot of conflict and frustration for everyone following them.
Contradicting Laws Can Both Be Correct
Not all laws are correct. Contradicting laws from different kingdoms can both be correct. An example is loading the dishwasher. A law in my kingdom may state that the handles on the utensils must face down. This law may be based on another law that states that the part of the utensil that goes in the mouth gets cleaner if it is up. Both laws are correct and support each other. If the law in my wife's kingdom states that the handles of the utensils go up, it is opposite of my law. Her law is supported by another law in her kingdom that states that after the utensils are clean, you don't want to touch the part of the utensil that goes in the mouth with your hand when removing it from the dishwasher. Her law—the handles go up so that you grab the handles and not the part that goes in your mouth—is also correct thus. Different laws from different kingdoms can be correct.
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Excerpted from The 10 Laws of Happily Ever After by Trevor J. Dimick Copyright © 2011 by Trevor J. Dimick. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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