CHAPTER 1
History
While I was staying with a fellow-believer and very much in his care he searched out a local Christian book store for anything that might have a help clue on this subject of schizophrenia. He did find one book that included one whole chapter on this very same topic. This book was written by a dear sister in the Lord who resided in Texas at the time it was written. I apologize that I do not remember her name and my searches since to find this same book have proven futile thus far. I only use her as a reference to further validate my own belief.
This disease always begins with "rejection"; which by no means is stating that rejection leads to contracting this disease but this fact does serve to reinforce my experience in how I came to contract it in the first place; which was greatly helped by the witness of the Holy Spirit of God in knowing this.
I do not presently know if it was merely by design or a higher purpose that I was to acquire this disease but I do know that I am not that unique in saying that while in the womb I did experience rejection ... but what led up to why I encountered a source of this disease being planted into my innermost being at age eight I cannot safely say other that it is spiritual in its origin. A series of events led to my seeking to help my neighbourhood and nation prior to age eight and so I figure that the dark powers had reason to try to cause me to become ineffective in seeking God's help for a purpose bigger than myself. The so called "wake up call" in why the Lord would allow such may not be for fully understanding while in this life but it certainly serves to boost my belief in one of the reasons why Jesus was sent some 2000 years ago as HIS message of back then still holds true today and this is He is my ROCK; FORTRESS and DELIVERER. We can by way of the power of God be freed from the negative affects of the dark side to live a whole life serving the Lord ... and for whatever purpose HE may have in MIND for us; it can be fulfilled despite whatever condition may be that we find ourselves to be in. There is a saying in Alcoholics Anonymous that states; "the task ahead of us is never as great as the power behind us" ... this must surely stem from Gospel roots!!
Although I first contracted schizophrenia at age eight it rarely manifested itself until I was in my adult years. The biggest change that occurred was over a span of several years I became more and more withdrawn ... to the point that I eventually lost contact with my surroundings and thereby may have been considered to be a danger to myself ... so by age 25 I was hospitalized into a psychiatric facility which soon diagnosed me as having schizophrenia.
The usual treatment is to see qualified doctors administer drugs which are specially designed to help control symptoms. These I have found do make a significant difference in one's overall ability to function at what could be deemed "normal". In the early days of my experiences with such, which was during the 1980's, there were often terrible side affects which discouraged compliance with the medical authorities in the consistent taking of these prescribed drugs. It has not been until more recent times that an attitude of "alliance" with medical personnel as a part of a "management team" and the fact that newer and better drugs have been developed that a persistent and steady sign of improvement in my condition has happened.
Of course my practice of a viable and constructive form of "Spirituality" as well as the development of a strong social support network has also made a very big difference in my recovery.
However I must accredit the Lord with an ongoing source of strong hope that really sustains my progress.
One phenomena of experience with this disease is that of auditory hallucinations. These are voices like that of some kind of spirit (although scientific research suggests it may be an over stimulation of that part of the brain responsible for speech). These did not start with me until a few years after my original diagnosis and have proven very distracting. It is like a spiritual contest between the forces of good and evil ... which with my embattled mind cannot discern that well what is the source of the message. Some of these "voices" tell some profound things about my life situation but mostly they confuse my mind. I have never acted upon these voices other that a very few times repeating what I heard in conversation (the profoundness got to me) Almost always I forget immediately after hearing them what they are trying to say ... but there have been times when these voices attempt to influence my decision making processes about matters that I deem important to my "life's course". Consequently I seem to not act upon my life course as these distractions tend to lead me into non action.
This is only me sharing my experience. Reportedly this type of phenomena affects others with this disease in different ways. I do believe that some medical personnel call this a type of "psychosis". I frequently tell myself not to listen to them as I do recall what it was like before I became sick and this type of experience is certainly not deemed "normal". This can be a challenge as my powers of concentration have been rendered feeble at times like this. This type of experience usually occurs when I am off alone and trying to seek answers from the LORD ... which leads me to figure a need for some balance ... physical exercise and socializing seem to help lessen the severity of the "voices". I have heard it stated by observers that this "hearing voices" tends to become less and less as aging advances. I have also heard it stated that the powers of cognition tend to become more hindered with the advancing of age, so this stirs me up to try to battle the spiritual component more ... which lately seems to lead me to experience the auditory hallucination phenomena more.
I am trusting that the LORD Himself will help so that my usefulness will prove sufficient as time progresses with reference to what the LORD requires of me.
Like I stated earlier the Lord is a primary source for hope. It is my faith that moves this hope to be realized. I thank God for this gift of faith. It is written that this kind of faith is available to us all ... "Praise God!!"
I will now relay to you what I can recall to be some of the negative symptoms of this illness.... "confusion; suspiciousness; judgementalism; fear; fear of rejection; rejection; self rejection; self will; accusation; false accusation; lust; rebellion; self seduction; paranoid; honesty at all cost; violence (in extremely rare instances); depression; suicide; murder (once in a million chance)" ... also a seemingly inability to interpret the intentions of others (when doing poorly); a seemingly lack of ability to comprehend how others are doing (when doing very poorly); a distortion of perception.
I must now pay high compliment towards those social researcher's of behavioral patterns of people with like illness as these people have helped to keep many of the more glaring defects in thinking "in check".
I must say that despite one having a serious mental illness the presence of intelligence is most certainly not lacking with the patient. With me my mind has operated well most of the time ... especially since getting on to a prescribed medication that has few negative side affects ... however the troubles that seemed to have occurred were when the psyche disturbance in my head (which is this illness) interfered with the use of my own mind (which is very present). When I contracted this disease at first my own mind shrunk deep down within myself which allowed the psyche disturbance to seem to dominate the use of my head. My mind is fine ... and always has been ... but in order for my mind to make use of my own head in a so called "normal way"; it has been disrupted to the point that all outward signs to others of my condition were read as my having a mental illness ... and of course past performances verify such a claim. I only wanted to share the insider's report to what is actually happening with the one who bears up with this particular ailment.
I cannot claim to have an abundance of all knowledge on this subject of schizophrenia ... but I hope I might share some insights which could benefit a few others.
Regardless I trust that a few might now be a little more enlightened!
One last thing I should add to the description of schizophrenia and this is that in my case amidst all the disturbance in my psyche there was a manifestation of a false personality that is dual in nature, with one part being split. Bearing witness to this simple fact suggests to me how people first named this disease as the term "schizo" means split and the term "phrenia" means personality. The phenomena of such did weigh upon me but never ... no not once ... did it ever dominate my own free will. This all was in addition to all the complications of how the psyche disturbance manifested itself with the many apparent symptoms which to me can be a heavy cross to bear (Christian terminology). I resolve to be a follower of Jesus on a daily basis which often leads to a type of supernatural overriding of the disease (which some call the miraculous); but this is not a constant occurrence.
I wish to take this opportunity to describe in general terms some things I have come to learn about with this illness named "schizophrenia". It does afflict about one out of every one hundred people (that is 350,000 in Canada alone). It can strike anyone and there are no classifications of people who might be immune to it. It almost always manifests itself early in adulthood and seems to hit women a little later than men. There is currently no known cure, but drug therapy often helps to control symptoms. One can still have a good life in spite of having to bear up with its disabling affects. It can be hereditary in some instances; in that people with this illness have a much more likely chance of having children that have it too; more so, according to statistics than those who do not have it!! In a few rare cases one might have only one major so called episode and then have few problems afterwards within a few years. Another type seems to last for about 10-12 years and then strangely disappears. Then again in other cases this illness seems to sort of burn itself out by age 60. Still to many they must prescribe to the consistent taking of medication for the rest of their lives. The mystery of such may appear baffling to even the best of the so called "experts" who deal with trying to help the patient. Many people with schizophrenia tend to smoke tobacco as this seems to help with certain symptoms. As many as 90% of patients do try smoking at some point in time. It has been stated that on average a person with this illness tends to have a shorter life expectancy as often they are not capable of caring for themselves with any degree of excellence and often they smoke tobacco. It is reported that 50% of patients will attempt suicide and a staggering 10-12 % will actually kill themselves (according to some research findings). It is called the "most serious mental illness known", as well as "youth's greatest disabler". It can however be managed with a certain degree of acceptability. Prescribed medications are almost always essential to help one cope with this illness. Seventy years ago people were locked up in an asylum with little chance of freedom; but we have come a long, long way since then, with the development of effective drugs and new programs. It usually affects those closest to the patient; however support and unconditional acceptance often improve the patient's recovery chances. Today many patients function quite well while living amidst the activities of a caring community. There exists some provision of support through agencies guided by legislation among many of the western democracies. It may be a fact that often the patient is forced to apply for a disability pension which means meager means to get by. Many drugs used in treating this illness are very expensive; however often help is available to make costs to the patient and their family minimal. It is estimated that the overall costs to society due to the affects of this illness are in the billions of dollars each year; but a few patients contribute in ways whereby money might not suffice in being able to substitute for this. The fact that I live in a very humane country with many compassionate souls willing to try to be a help does offer the patient much hope and one should be encouraged that much effort is being given to enhance the lives of those afflicted by this disease.
AS for myself I am extremely grateful to be living where I do, where help is so readily available. One may contact a mental health agency near you to learn about what support is close by and a single telephone call can alleviate some stress that usually occurs when first encountering symptoms.
Dealing with my schizophrenia is not the only area of my mental health that I must deal with. I am no different than the majority of people who must find ways to maintain an overall sense of wellness. I have found that acquiring a "spirituality you can call your own" is an effective strategy in this effort.
Remember ... we need not face this all alone and it is a sign of great strength to reach out for help when need be. This disease is not caused by any weakness, nor through any fault of our own. There is absolutely no shame in having it. It may be only a part in the "human condition". We are all in this together!!
Story #1
It has been reported that Jesus talked about spiritual realities but also that people need to understand earthly matters as a prerequisite to grasp some matters pertaining to the Spirit. Jesus also spoke and taught about a matter relating to becoming born of the Spirit, which to my understanding involves trust that Jesus is real and alive and is who HE said HE is; and that by praying to God and asking for HIM to be our Lord and Saviour that HE will send to us a "Helper" which is in essence God's Spirit. This is a main component to actually gain a spiritual experience.
I stated that as some parts to my stories involve Spiritual realities as a part of tangible physical acts. I have tried here to explain the best way I know how in an effort to try to help the reader of this to grasp what is written. Thank-you!!
I was visiting a large Canadian city on the western prairies during the early 1980's when I became spurned to travel to see some friends about 1000 kilometers away. I had about $1.62 in my pocket but I was traveling upon a Kingdom principle of love that allowed me the necessary faith to commence walking out of town and hitchhike. I did reach my destination and made good of seeing my old friends offering some encouraging words since I was pretty "high in the Spirit". It was a brief stay and so I headed back out on the road. I stopped on the way at a small city and enquired of a businessman if I could do something in exchange for a little food, but he went one step further and gave me a job painting which got me a little food and some extra cash on hand. I then hit the road again and later that day arrived at a small tourist resort town which just happened to coincide with the same time as the trans-continental passenger train was being boarded. I could perceive God's Spirit leading me towards the train as by this time I had been fasting for several days and so my spiritual condition was quite strong. I walked along the blind side of the train and jumped up on the side hoping to catch a ride to the same city where I had first journeyed from. I did not have sufficient money to board the train or even a bus and there were already many hitchhikers standing along the highway. An employee of the railroad spotted me and asked me what I was doing. It was suggested that I go up to the locomotive so I could sit sheltered from the wind.
Remember now that it was God's Spirit who was leading this event. Once the train got moving I determined that I would pay for a ticket to reimburse the railroad as soon as I got the money, just so that based upon the honour system I was still legitimately riding this train. Once we got out of view of all others the Spirit of God came upon me showing me a vision of uniting western Canada to eastern Canada and eastern Canada to western Canada. This was to be a purpose for me as entrusted by God. I did get to where I was going but I put the vision on hold for several years.
Now let's flash forward to the evening of the last Quebec referendum. By this time I was back in Ontario. Again I was visiting a small city where I had friends who I did at one time share accommodations with. I witnessed outside a coffee shop along side a busy highway a convoy of American vehicles. It appeared to me as I read their actions that these foreign people were setting for some kind of killing spree if wide spread chaos broke out in the event that a Quebec separation vote was in favor of such. Just then God's Spirit came upon me and with the vision of national unity that I possessed I was appointed to stand in proxy with the authority of the deputy prime minister. God was showing that we would survive this test upon our nation's independent Sovereignty and remain whole. I like to think that God was using me to help establish national unity.
