Understanding Where You Are

The first step towards realizing your success is two-fold: understanding where you are and how you got here. The second step is accepting responsibility for it.

Most people tend to focus on the unpleasant aspects of their past. You know, those experiences that cause us to cringe, cry, and hide. For some of us, however, it is not enough just to remember those experiences. Many of us tend to hyper-focus on the negative aspects of those experiences to the exclusion of all else. Those hurts and failures make us want to hide our heads, all the while hoping that no one else has noticed or will notice them. We allow those negative experiences to overshadow any good that we have done. Why?

Because these are our failures: They are what we think others remember of us. They are those same memories that are probably running rampant through your mind right now. They are the memories that keep us down and depressed, if we let them. They are the memories that we allow into our psyche as the prophet of our future.

Everyone has heard the voice of doom at some time or other:

"There is no use in trying. You will only fail again, so you might as well give up and be content where you are. It is safe to be here in your misery. It may not be what you want but it is what you know. Besides, it could be worse."

But even with this voice booming in our heads, we feel a need to do and have more. It is what everyone wants: to be more than they are, to live a better life, to be happy and successful: to feel fulfilled. Why, then, is it so difficult to move forward? Why does the past have so much power over us? This is why understanding where you are, (and who you are) is so critically important.

Everything you have ever said, thought or experienced has not only brought you to where you are, it has molded you into who and what you are. You are, in fact, a composite of your past: every person with whom you have ever interacted, every book you have read, every television program you have watched, every success you have experienced and every failure you have suffered.

From these life experiences you have formed opinions, feelings, morals and beliefs about yourself and the world around you. Even your experiences today, in the last five minutes and at this very moment have influence over you.

Thus, you can probably understand why some believe that you are defined by your past.

But there is a difference between learning from the past and living from the past.

--Gerald Reiche

If you are your past, it is important to identify and understand those aspects of your past that have kept you from moving forward. Note the key word: "understand."

The word: "understand" is defined by Merriam-Webster as "to grasp the meaning of." It is not defined as looking at your past experiences and belittling yourself for making a particular choice or series of choices.

Yes, you are responsible for every choice you make, but just as there is a difference between living and learning from the past, there is also a difference between conscious and unconscious choice. We will discuss this more in the coming chapters. For now, it is enough to start with the proposition of being honest with yourself about your past and its effects on where and who you are today. The following exercise will help with your understanding of this concept.

EXERCISE 1: MY PAST

The purpose of this exercise is to get you reacquainted with yourself: who you are and where these ideas of yourself come from. Here you will remember some of your greatest influences, both positive and negative, where you developed your likes and dislikes, what caused you to make the changes that you have made and why you have not made the changes you would like to have made. This exercise will help you understand who you are, and help you see that ultimately, it is you that brought you here. This is the first step toward moving you onto your path of a more creative, fulfilling and successful life.

If you have thoughts of skipping over this exercise, please think again. As I have learned, knowing who you are, how you got here and how these choices brought you here is important to your future. It is where you start looking at the past in an objective manner so that you can learn from it rather than allowing yourself to fall into the trap: that of "living from that past." It will help you move forward to where you would really like to be.

Below are some opportunities to help you reconnect with you. The answers can be written in this book but it may be more helpful for you to use a separate notebook. Since we are all in a constant state of change you may have a desire to revisit these exercises at some point in the future.

Please be descriptive in your answers. For example, state who is with you, where you are, what you are doing. Describe the area around you. Describe how you feel about the event and the choices you made because of those feelings.

Example: My first memory takes place at about the age of three. I am at a playground with two girls. They are our neighbor's children. Their mother is watching us play. I am riding a tricycle. It is a warm, sunny day in Southern California. I am very happy riding the tricycle and being the center of attention.

There is a large chain link fence surrounding the playground. I am very familiar with this place as we have been here before. I am having a great deal of fun until it is time to leave. I want to stay but I know that making a fuss will only get me in trouble. So, although I am pouting, I choose not to say anything and leave as I am told.

Now it is time for you to write about your own first memory, memorable experience, and some other notable times of your life.

MY FIRST MEMORABLE EXPERIENCE :-)

Here you are to write about the first experience (other than the very first memory) that comes to mind. The difference? Your first memory, in this context, is more of an observation than an activity where you interacted with others. Memory does not necessarily involve action on your part whereas experience does. It is your hands-on activity and the resulting interaction with others that is the subject of this first exercise. It does not matter if the experience was pleasurable or not. Just write about your first active experience.

MY FIRST DATE :-)

If you have not yet started dating, imagine what your first date would look like. With whom would you have your date? Where would you go? What would you do? How would it end? Otherwise write about your first date. Where did you go? Do you think it went well? What were your perceptions of your date's assessment of you? Why?

MY FIRST SUCCESS :-)

What was your first success? Where were you? What were you doing? Were you interacting with others or were you alone? How did you feel about it? How did the people around you react? (Either someone witnessed your success or they had an opportunity to listen to your excitement as you regaled them with your story.) Looking back, what do you think you learned about yourself in the experience?

MY FIRST FAILURE :-(

What happened? How did it make you feel? What did you do about it? Did you get up and try again or did you give up? What was your perception of how others around you reacted? How do you feel about it today?

MY LATEST SUCCESS :-)

How is this success the same or different than your first? Are your feelings and reactions the same? Different? What about your perceived reaction of others around you?

MY LATEST "FAILURE" :-(

How does this compare to the first? Are your feelings the same? Different? What about how you perceive the reactions of those around you?

COMMONALITIES

In this last part of this exercise, I want you to go through these questions and look for the commonalities. Mostly, identify your perceived reactions from others, thoughts of yourself and actions that you took as a result. List them here for future reference.

These few memories/events that I have asked you to revisit are not necessarily going to give you a complete picture of your feelings and emotions, nor are they necessarily going to create enough of a pattern to identify and understand all of the choices you have made in your life. There are many more experiences, perceptions, reactions and thought patterns making up your life. Some of them are probably already starting to buzz through your head. Using these as your starting point, however, you will begin to form an understanding about your history and how the choices from those events have landed you here. Yes, you are responsible for your choices but remember that this process is intended to help you to understand them, not to make you beat yourself up because of them.

I used the terms: "success" and "failure" for this first exercise because they bring about specific emotions. These emotions are universally similar but their meanings and effects are relative. They are unique to the individual defining them, which makes them relevant to that individual (you).

We have all heard sayings like: "One's best success comes after his (or her) greatest disappointments." We can also understand the statement that one person's failure might be another's success. What we are really talking about here is perception: that same perception or opinion that each of us has developed about ourselves over our lifetimes. It is through our own view of our past that we find the events that have formed our opinions of ourselves and our perceptions/opinions and outlook about the likelihood of our success in the future.

So, it is by looking at the events of our past that we find one of the best methods for determining where these outlooks and perceptions come from and how to go about changing them (and, consequently, ourselves) so that we can move in the direction we would like to go.

Here is an example of how looking at my own past has enabled me not only to change my perspective of a fairly significant event in my life, but which also taught me about reactive patterns, which allowed me to move forward on a better path. This example is not intended to be a comparison for anything that has or is going on in your life. Rather, it is intended to get you thinking about your own thought patterns and choices.

My first marriage lasted about eight years. The day it ended I was depressed and angry that I had wasted so much time in what was obviously a huge mistake. I was also having doubts about my value as a husband since I was a man, and men are supposed to fix things (pattern) but I was not able to fix this one. My perception about myself, and my perspective about life in general was that I was a failure and it was not going to get any better. I had allowed myself to become a single father, I had allowed my family to incur a great deal of debt and now I had to work two jobs to make ends meet. There was no light, no rainbow and it did not feel as though there was any hope.

My perspective changed, however, when I allowed myself to understand that I had an opportunity to love and be loved, even if it was for a very short time. That little bit of love brought a child, made me a father which taught me more about life, love and the human experience than I could ever have imagined. I would never have had this wonderful opportunity and, in all likelihood, would not have taken those actions which then led me to my second marriage (which I hold very dear) and a life for which I am now very grateful.

You see, I could have stayed in that life of depression and negativity and self-imposed misery, choosing to settle for so much less than I have now, or I could decide to change my perspective of my past, my present and the outlook for my future. It was my choice, no one else's.

Of course, this is my own perspective/outlook/opinion of what happened during that time of my life. Someone else experiencing the same things may have ended up with a completely different conclusion and may have chosen go in a completely different direction. Mine was to wake myself from that stupor of negativity and move forward. I stopped listening to that voice of doom and focus on more the positive aspects of my life. What I recognized was that I was listening to the same redirect that had caused me to stay in my misery in the first place. I knew this was not where I wanted to stay and so I put aside all of that fear-based self talk and allowed my perspective to change. No, it was not easy. The doubts were very persistent. But with each step I took it became more evident that I had found my path to a good place. I focused on taking one step at a time: Sometimes big steps, sometimes small. The point was to keep my feet moving. Before I knew it, I had moved beyond my past and into a much brighter future.

Perception, perspective, outlook, opinion; it does not really matter what one calls it. It is enough to know that it is personal to each of us, just like the past to which we tend to cling. Others may voice their agreement with your outlook but their experience is not your experience. They did not experience it. You did. Their perceptions and their opinions are based on a compilation of their own life experiences, which although seemingly similar to yours, are really very, very different.

Have you ever watched a movie that you thought was absolutely one of the best you had ever seen, yet someone else thought it boring and amateurish? Why do you think two very different opinions could arise from the same movie? Probably for the same reason that your taste in food is also so different. Does that make either of you right or wrong? Of course not! It just means that you have different tastes and opinions. Why? BECAUSE YOU ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT INDIVIDUALS. It does not matter if you lived in the same house, went to the same schools and ate the same peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. You are different people with your own unique experiences resulting in your own unique feelings, challenges, likes and dislikes. Your thoughts are yours and theirs are theirs and the two shall never be anything else.

Have I emphasized this concept enough? It is absolutely necessary that you understand that you are unique and unparalleled in your individuality and that is the simple truth. But that is not your only truth, oh no! For you are so much more than that. You, because of your individual nature, have things to offer that no one else could. Your perceptions, because they are different than everyone else's, provide you with the ability to see things like no one else can. This unique insight allows you to mold your vision of yourself and others and your surroundings into something wonderfully and beautifully your own.

Think about this: Have you not already allowed yourself to see how things could be different if you were in charge? If not, see yourself in charge. Have you seen the differences you would have made in a piece of art or a movie or a garden, or how things are done where you work? Have you not already wondered why something so simple to your eye could be so difficult for someone else to see? It is a very interesting question to ponder, is it not?

One of my favorite sayings about what is happening to your mind, at this very moment, goes something like this:

"One's mind, once stretched by a new idea never regains its original dimensions."

--Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

Let's stretch some more. Shall we?

Dreams, Goals and Passions

"What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?"

--Robert H. Schuller

Everyone has dreams. Dreams feed and nurture our need for more. Many think that their purpose is to obtain more money, toys, travel and opportunity, but I firmly believe that this cannot be the extent of anyone's dreams. It's too narrowly focused. It does not take into account the extent of the word. I believe real purpose is found in the very simple truth that we can never stop growing, no matter where we are in life.