Cedar Tree

Whatever we do, we should have self-control when doing it. The Lord knows what we will do even before we do it, so why not have some respect for God and stay within the boundaries. Sometimes that seem like a difficult task to accomplish, but through Christ Jesus, all things are possible.

One time my roommate, John, and I went to a nearby park to go jogging. As we began to jog, I saw a nice lady and her son throwing a softball back and forth. I waved to her, just to see if she would respond. And she did. My next move was to talk to her, since I didn't see a man around. But before I did, I argued within myself several times. I wasn't sure how she would react if I went over and interrupted her evening with her son. I finally got the courage and walked up and introduced myself. After we broke the ice, we talked about life. I could tell that she enjoyed the conversation, because when I first approached, she looked like she didn't want to be bothered. But after I told her that I was a true believer of God, she could tell I was being honest with her. And I did not get out of line and say crazy things, which also gave me some cool points. When I first walked over, she paid more attention to her son, as she should have; but before I left she wasn't throwing the ball to her son as much as she had been in the beginning. She was more interested in what I had to say and also wanted to add her opinion, which I thought was wonderful. We both learned something from each other. My point is, if she had not wanted to talk to me, my self-control would have kept me from getting angry or saying something stupid. I have seen people lose control just because a woman didn't like them. This control, which keeps you in line when things get out of hand, can be obtained only from God.

Love is a four-letter word that most times means more than what we may think. My brother Tony and I enjoyed playing pool at a sports bar called Temptation's. We also went there for the scenery it provided for any man who wanted to meet a nice-looking lady. When we went there, I often saw a high-yellow girl walking around, taking orders. I thought she was a beautiful woman. One day I told Tony that I was going to have her; be careful what you ask for, because it just might happen. My brother and I were just chilling and decided to shoot pool at Temptation's. I got up the nerve to ask her name and if I could get her phone number. When I approached, I must have startled her, because she looked a bit shaken up. She politely told me her name was Linda and gave me her pager number. I didn't care what number it was, as long as I had some way of getting in contact with her. I didn't want to take up much of her time because she was working.

I paged Linda a few times and took her to work. My feelings for her kept growing. Not long afterward, she agreed to go out on a date with me. We went to a club, and then Linda spent the night at my place. The next morning, she said she needed to leave and take care of something. I asked why she had to leave, because I was very interested in her, and I didn't want her to go just yet. Linda said she had an appointment with the cable company, and she didn't want to miss it. I had nothing else to say; I took her home as she'd asked. But I was a bit concerned, because something didn't feel right about the situation. It was that she was meeting the cable guy on a Sunday. I wasn't aware at that time that you could get cable hooked up on a Sunday.

About three days passed, and I didn't hear anything from Linda. On the fourth day, while I was at work, I got a call from my nephew Derrick. He said that Linda had called; she was in jail for writing a bad check. Somehow I thought it was my responsibility and obligation to visit her in jail. I know that most people would have a different opinion, but I liked her and wanted to give her a chance. On my third visit, I told Linda I loved her; my heart overpowered my mouth. I really don't know why I told her that, because I barely knew this woman. I'd like to believe that God had more to do with it than I did. I say that because Linda told me she'd felt like killing herself before I said I loved her. I do know that God placed me in Linda's life for a reason, even though our relationship didn't last long. Some may not understand why God allows us to cross paths with another person, which may cause us to stay too long and become trapped, especially when the other person has some issues, which may not be good. But God knows all our needs and the times when they need to be met.

I believed Linda needed a friend who would love her in a time of despair. God knew what she would face even before she did, and I came along in her life at the right moment. I can't speak for Linda, but I learned a valuable lesson from our relationship. I've learned how to love even more and to hold fast to that love, just as God loves me. The rest is up to the other person, who has to do their job and return the love. But you know what it is like when you first meet someone to whom you are attracted. It seems like they are the best thing ever to come into your life. With Linda, I wasn't sure if she were really my type. I didn't know exactly what I wanted; plus, I had no idea that my feelings for her would grow. I had rushed into my first marriage, so I didn't want to rush this relationship. But as I spent more time with Linda, it happened anyway. Still, I wanted to approach it from a different angle. I'd heard stories from guys who said that when you act like you don't care for a woman, she gives you all the respect in the world. And when you show her that you truly love her, that's when she gives you her ass to kiss. I used two tactics with this one lady and I was intrigued with both results.

The first tactic of being hard worked, although I didn't believe it would. I wasn't mean to Linda or anything like that; I just acted like I didn't care that much. In the beginning, she was all over me and wanted to be around me all the time. I felt like I was being crowded and my space was being invaded. But I enjoyed it as well; it felt good to have a woman chase me for a change. To be honest with you, at that time I had forgotten how to be in love; it had been more than fifteen years since my wife and I had separated. But trying to be hard core with Linda backfired on me like a rubber band that had been stretched to its greatest potential, and, in the end, the pain popped back at me. I fell deeper and deeper in love with her, while it seemed as though she was falling out of love with me, especially when word got out that I was still married. I tried to explain my reasons for not telling her, but she did not want to hear them. Here's a tip for women in general: if you want to know something, just ask. Linda didn't ask, so I kept my mouth shut.

I wasn't sure if we had the right chemistry. I knew that her love for me was weakening, because one time Linda and I got into an argument and she left. We were apart for no more than two weeks or so, but she had slept with someone else. I was torn apart. But I didn't want to give up on her, because I'd come to the conclusion that men had done the same thing to women for many years. I wanted to show her that I was a different type of man; I wasn't a man who would easily give up. But things didn't get any better. Meanwhile, we were still in this relationship.

I got her a car in my name, and by then I was all in. I wanted to marry Linda. For whatever reason, we stayed together. I changed from being that hard-core guy, and then I implemented the second tactic. I only wanted to give her my love. When we got mad, it sometimes lasted for days. I got fed up with the whole idea. It seemed like she didn't want to say anything to me, and when I said something to her, her attitude stunk. Sometimes that would last for three days or even more; when we went to bed, she slept close to the wall to keep from having to touch me, and I would get as far away from her as possible. We acted like two selfish children. Because I was older, I should have taken the situation by the horns and guided it into a different direction, but I didn't.

One night—the final night that Linda and I slept in the same bed—we were once again mad at each other, for no reason. That night, I believed God had to step in, because our time was up. When I got into bed, I noticed that Linda did not have on any clothes. It had been awhile since we'd had sex, but that night I wasn't that focused on sex, even though she was very enticing. As we relaxed in bed, Linda placed one of her soft and thick thighs across my body. Clearly, she was trying to have sex with me; I assumed it was her way of ending the feud between us. I didn't see it that way, so I pushed her leg off me. And she put her thigh on me once more. I wanted to talk about our problems, not just smooth it over with sex. The next morning, I suggested it might be better if she stayed with friends until things got better. I didn't want us to break up, but something had to give, because it was unhealthy for Linda and me to keep ignoring one another the way we were.

Linda wrecked the car I bought not long after I purchased it. In fact, she was in two wrecks. After we broke up, it took me awhile to get the car back. Even through all that, I still loved Linda. If that wasn't love, then I'm not sure what love is really about. Being an older man, I thought about our relationship and assumed that we did it all backward. Sex played a very big role in our relationship, but it only made us think that we were deep in love. We allowed the sex to overwhelm us. We didn't have the sense to take the time to become friends first and get to know one another. Tip: love can't be a one-lane road with two cars driving head-on. Devastation is bound to be the end result.

Love should conquer and destroy every vehement spirit that attempts to harm what God has put together. Love occurs when people are able to give and receive it. Love isn't about what someone can do for you, although some of us think it is. If God felt that way about us, then where would we be, because everything belongs to him. Think about that when you believe someone doesn't love you just because he or she doesn't give to you. They may not be able to give to you all the time, and if they could, they shouldn't anyway. That will only make that person hate you, which will give them the power to disrespect you. The only one you can love this much is God; now take that to the bank, and I promise that your interest will be great in time. "Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men" (1 Corinthians 1:25). Fight for love, so that you can love others as you love yourself. At times, people may not act the way you think they should, but God has a remedy for all illnesses. Oftentimes, for many different reasons, we get caught up in pretend love, and the consequences don't cross our minds. My relationship with Linda was doomed from the start. We didn't handle our situation properly; we were blind to reality.

The book of Isaiah describes how Isaiah had a vision: God had nourished and brought up his children, but they rebelled against him. God wanted Isaiah to tell them how he felt about their disobedience. "The ox knows his owner, and the ass his master's crib, but Israel doth not know, my people doth not consider" (Isaiah 1:3 KJV). God was saying that a four-legged animal knows who is in charge and respects his master's authority, and that a donkey—supposedly one of the world's stupidest animals—may have more sense than humans. It is terrible when we forget who created us. But God has a solution.

And I will turn my hand upon thee, and purely purge away thy dross, and take away all thy tin: And I will restore thy judges as at first, and thy counselors as at the beginning: afterward thou shall be called, the City of Righteousness, the Faithful City. (Isaiah 1:25–26 KJV)

On one hand, God said that he was going to get rid of their worthless matter; perhaps he meant their privileges. On the other hand, he said he would strip them of their tin, that is, everything that they valued most. I know that feeling, and I am a witness to what God will take from you. Once we take our focus off God, we get complacent, forgetting our priorities and principles. The purging of my life woke me up to the reality of everything I was doing wrong. First my girlfriend left. Then I had to pawn almost everything I owned just to pay my bills. There were several times when I thought my car would get repossessed; I was behind on five months of payments. But I guess that God felt that he had taken away enough of my dross and alloy to set me on the path of righteousness.

Tragic things sometimes happen, and you may feel that they are unusual; for example, when you break up with someone. Remember, you are not the only one who has experienced this. But don't try to replace that empty space in your heart by quickly getting into another relationship. Sometimes it may work, but most of the times it won't. That person may turn out to be worse than the one you were with. What will work is asking God for help; he will guide you toward his wonderful knowledge. He is waiting on you. Forget about trying to get yourself right before you go to him; he says, "Come as you are." Even if you feel like you are nothing, God can change you into somebody. He will give you a peace of mind that passes all understanding. He will show you how to give and receive love. But you must show God that you love him, by doing what is right. Even when you get tired, never stop pushing, regardless of where you are or where you have been. I can't count the times I've wanted to throw in the towel, but something burning deep down inside will not allow me to give in.

Many people are waiting for someone else to be resurrected before they can be inspired. The more I read my Bible, the more I understand how it can help my life. I just hope that all people want to learn more about God's ways and not about the ways of the world. God helped me tremendously when I was going through some rough times I thought I wouldn't be able to bear. I was trying to find my way out of a jungle that refused to set me free. God shone a small light for me to follow—the vision of me writing this book—and will guide me to victory and the promise land. With God's help, we can find that place deep inside us and strive for greatness. Only God can reach that place and attach it to your heart and mind. He is the source that you must seek first.

One day I told God that I would not give up on finishing this book, no matter what. Many times I've wanted to eat those words and return them to the bowels of my belly, because I faced obstacles I thought I couldn't overcome. I wanted to change my direction and crawl into the hole of complacency, where I could be satisfied doing nothing to better myself. I knew that writing the book would be hard, especially dealing with everything else that was going on in my life, but I had no idea it would be this difficult. Over time, I learned that God doesn't ensure that everything we want to accomplish will be easily achieved. Oh, there will be challenges and great hills to climb. In other words, change doesn't always take place when we feel it should.

For example, one Sunday I walked outside to get some fresh air, because I hadn't made it to church. I had been in the house almost the whole day. I approached a nearby pond and sat on a bench, gazing at the ripples on the water. They appeared to be going backward and forward, but they actually were only going forward. I compared my life to the ripples in the pond; there were many similarities. My life had many setbacks that resembled the ripples in the pond; they appeared to be moving backward when they were moving forward. Likewise, I was able to move ahead in time, with faith and hard work.

Satan loves to conspire and plot when it comes to the truth about God. He wants us to think that we are moving backward when we are actually moving forward. We don't help the situation if we get angry with God when things don't go the way we want them to. Now, I know ripples on the water are caused by gravity and the moon rotating around the earth's surface, but my subconscious makes me think some of them are moving backward. My point is, we can't move forward if we feel like we are going backward most of the time. A washing machine, for example, moves back and forth until the clothes are clean. A car will not move unless the pistons go up and down. Only when we understand that our lives go through this same process of cycles will we realize that we are always moving forward. But we must show some type of action.

Don't forget—there will always be ripples in our lives, like the waves in a pond or an ocean. There may be long intervals between them, but we must keep cycling through. We need to focus our eyes, find the devil that corrupts our minds, and flush him out.