After thirty-five years of psychiatric practice and working with thousands of patients, Dr. Dennis C. Westin has observed that widespread concern persists about poor self-esteem, a very significant contributor to many problems in life. How we think, feel, and see ourselves determines how we behave and deal with what life puts in our paths. We were not born with the self-esteem we have now. We all learned to think in response to our environment-for better or worse. Impressions of Self provides a framework for building self-esteem. Dr. Weston has searched for a common root for life's problems-tried to identify a beginning point, or at least a major element of a problem that can make the most difference if changed. That one thing is self-esteem-our impressions of self. We can feel better, enjoy life more, and experience more inner peace if we have solid, positive feelings about ourselves. Impressions of Self affirms that there is not only hope, but also the ability within each of us to develop and maintain a comfortable, invigorating, productive self-esteem that can help keep us on life's road of unexpected twists and turns.

IMPRESSIONS OF SELF

A FRAMEWORK FOR BUILDING SELF-ESTEEMBy Dennis C. Westin

Trafford Publishing

Copyright © 2011 Dennis C. Westin, M.D.
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4269-6830-3

Contents

INTRODUCTION....................................................................ixCHAPTER 1 UNDERSTANDING SELF-ESTEEM.............................................1CHAPTER 2 IMPORTANCE OF SELF-ESTEEM.............................................8CHAPTER 3 DEVELOPMENT OF SELF-ESTEEM............................................14CHAPTER 4 BAD HABITS OF SELF-ESTEEM & THE HABIT TRIAD...........................23CHAPTER 5 AWARENESS AS BASIS FOR CHANGE.........................................31CHAPTER 6 BARRIERS TO CHANGE....................................................39CHAPTER 7 THE PROCESS OF CHANGE & THE LEARNING FORMULA..........................52CHAPTER 8 LET'S REVIEW..........................................................65CHAPTER 9 RULE 1: DON'T PUT YOURSELF DOWN.......................................71CHAPTER 10......................................................................81CHAPTER 11 RULE 5: INVEST YOUR ENERGY WISELY....................................91CHAPTER 12 RULE 6: THE FEELING GOOD EQUATION....................................99CHAPTER 13 RULE 7: ACCEPT "POSITIVES" FROM OUTSIDE YOURSELF.....................109CHAPTER 14 STAYING ON THE ROAD OF LIFE..........................................117CHAPTER 15 PEACE................................................................125APPENDIX A: MOOD DISORDERS......................................................135APPENDIX B: ANXIETY DISORDERS...................................................138ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS................................................................143

Chapter One

UNDERSTANDING SELF-ESTEEM

Before you can really focus and learn, you need to understand what the focus is. Therefore, I think you should look at how you might define "self-esteem."

To me, self-esteem is how you view yourself from all angles—how you think about yourself, feel about yourself, how you see yourself "in your mind's eye"—your total impression of self.

If you look in Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, you will see that there can be a problem with defining self-esteem. This is evident in the definition itself, which is as follows: "(1) belief in one's self; self-respect, (2) undue pride in one's self; conceit."

Which way do you go with this definition?

Unfortunately, some people are taught that thinking about one's self and looking at self is "selfish." Therefore, it is undesirable, even "evil," "bad" and "prideful," as in Webster's second definition. Such thinking stimulates the creation and growth of poor self-esteem and resistance to positive change in self-esteem.

If that is your situation, are you comfortable with it?

Does this negative definition of self-esteem allow feelings that are positive, loving, caring and enduring?

Does such negatively defined self-esteem make it easier for you to interact on the "road of life" and experience joy, fulfillment, and inner peace?

I think you need to ask yourself if it is really "bad" to pay attention to self—to take positive care of self—to nurture self.

Unfortunately, you will get nowhere with positive change of self-esteem unless you really, deeply feel it is okay to make changes in yourself. You have to truly accept that it is okay to change in order to overcome the resistance, or barriers, blocking change in self—esteem.

Thus, for change to occur, you need to explore your thoughts and feelings in the "permission" area to see if it is okay for you to have positive impressions of self. This is a very important point.

Such "permission" or lack of "permission" often is hidden in the shadow of your thoughts and subtly influences what your mind does. You have to get beyond this point to have good self-esteem. The only way to get beyond it is to really ask yourself if it is okay for you to feel good about you, to have good thoughts, feelings or impressions about yourself.

If it's not okay—it won't work! Review this issue with yourself—do it several times, if necessary, until you know what your position is. It has to be okay to make positive changes in self to feel good, or it won't happen!

You will see more ways to deal with change in Chapter five.

Too often the "negatives" associated with self-esteem are taught to you as you grow up. This may have occurred in your home, in your school, in your place of worship, or in whatever place and with whatever people you spent a significant amount of time.

Religion sometimes conveys such negatives. In the Bible, not much is directly written about self-esteem. The Bible speaks of "pride," but in a negative way—such as "false pride," which is "bad." It encourages you to be "giving, loving, and patient" with others yet somehow lacks emphasis on the importance of also directing such desirable thoughts, feelings and behaviors toward yourself. At least, it does not appear to directly address that concept.

However, if you look more carefully and think more broadly, you will see another side to that—the side of the Bible that supports caring for self and having a positive, healthy impression of self.

The Bible tells you to take care of yourself—to see yourself as God's creation—and thus, to honor self as well as others.

It tells you to treat others as you would like to be treated. Don't you think most people would like to be treated fairly, with love, compassion, understanding, and trust? Wouldn't you like to be treated that way? Don't you think it's important to treat yourself that way?

So maybe the Biblical scripture does direct you to think about yourself, to treat yourself fairly with love, compassion, understanding, and trust—to give yourself permission to nurture and build a positive self-esteem. If you see yourself as God's creation, don't you have the responsibility and the right to take care of that creation—the responsibility to take care of yourself in a positive way?

In reading about Buddhism, you might find similar ideas—ideas stating that you have to let go of your worldly attachments to find "inner peace," i.e., Nirvana. In my view, that doesn't mean just making your worldly possessions less important. It means shifting your energy, focus, and nurturing from those external possessions to enriching your inner self.

Great Thinkers of the Eastern World, edited by Ian P. McGreal, Harper Collins Publishers, explains how Buddha (Siddhirtha Geuterma) acquired enlightenment and saw "the path that leads to the end of all suffering and to liberation (Nirvana) ... Nirvana has been described as the Great Peace, perfection, extinction ... The basic Buddhist precept was to consider all beings as like oneself." In so doing, Buddhists are to practice and develop "friendliness, compassion, sympathetic joy and impartiality to others and to self." I interpret that to mean that it is necessary and okay to pay attention to your own thoughts, feelings and behaviors, and to do those things that will nurture your inner self in a positive, peaceful way.

I believe such a process will also improve and nurture your self-esteem.

Reportedly, Buddha found through his own experience that self torture and extreme self denial would never lead to "enlightenment," "Nirvana," or "peace." Thus he stopped self-punishment and went down a different road in search of inner peace.

You may have your own ways, whether small or large, of "torturing" and/or denying yourself. They may be physical and/or emotional. You have to become aware of these ways as they block the road to positive self-esteem—to peace in and with yourself. You need to identify those barriers, deal with them, and find another route to your inner peace, perhaps a more inner route.

Hinduism teaches that you continue to be reborn until you achieve "spiritual perfection."

One way Webster defines "spiritual" is as "the thinking, motivating, feeling part of man, often as distinguished by the body, mind, intelligence."

Thus, you would see life's challenge as "perfecting" that "spiritual" part of yourself, that part where your thoughts and feelings reside and from which your behaviors are directed.

I also see self-esteem being generated and fed, either positively or negatively, in this way. Thus, I believe the Hindu religion supports the need and permission to develop positive self-esteem, to take good care of your inner self. In so doing, you can find a more fulfilling life and greater inner peace. It also points out that doing so can take time.

Needless to say, there are always "extremes." On the whole, extremes are not desirable. You could say the extreme of positive self-esteem is conceit, narrow-minded self-centeredness, arrogance, and even "false pride."

That certainly is not what this book is encouraging, nor what would be considered healthy or what could result in true inner peace.

However, the other extreme is also unhealthy. Too often, in fact, this is where you might find yourself: at the extreme of strong dislike or even hate of self. The purpose of the following chapters is to help you move from the extremes, to help you find a more comfortable middle ground where you can live more peacefully with yourself and with life in this world.

Hopefully, the preceding information will help you feel that it's okay to pay attention to yourself—to give yourself permission to invest energy and time into letting your self-esteem be what you truly would like it to be.

Hopefully, you will help yourself learn to gain control over your thoughts, feelings and behaviors, and have that control result in positive outcomes.

No doubt the "forces" inside you, be they positive or negative, can be very strong and unrelenting.

And unfortunately, too often they are negative.

When a part of you knows you are good and deserving, and another part feels you are undeserving of love, acceptance, and fair treatment, a battle results—an inner battle or perhaps a spiritual battle.

Many of us are unwilling to consciously engage in such a "battle." Perhaps this is because we lack the energy or because we feel so undeserving of "good" for ourselves. Yet, I would bet that you do have times of feeling the discomfort from your inner "battle"—you are aware of a fight going on inside you and you want it resolved—you want peace.

The chapters ahead will offer suggestions to help you on your way. Just in case the above ideas are not enough to help you accept that having positive impressions of yourself is okay and indeed vital to peaceful survival on earth, you can look into the next chapter and learn more about the "importance" of positive self-esteem.

Pearls:

1. Self-esteem is how you think about, feel about and see yourself—your total impressions of yourself.

2. Self-esteem can be defined positively or negatively— it's up to you.

3. All in all, I believe that various religions support the formation of good, positive self-esteem, although sometimes it doesn't appear that way.

4. I believe the location of self-esteem is also the location of one's spiritual self—that area inside where thoughts and feelings reside and from which your behaviors are directed.

5. To make changes to improve self-esteem, it has to be okay or change will not occur. You must honestly accept that it's okay to feel good about self—to see self in a positive way. That is the key that will unlock the door to change.

Considerations:

1. Define self-esteem—as you see it.

2. Describe your own self-esteem.

3. Where do you want your self-esteem to be on the self-esteem scale that we talked about in the Introduction? 4. Is there a battle going on within you regarding how "deserving" you are of good feelings? If so, be aware of that battle and the feelings and behaviors that go with it. Write down one of those battles where your thoughts are saying or implying it's not okay to feel good about yourself. Also write down how that makes you feel and behave.

5. Are you willing to be more aware of self? List three reasons why it's good to be more aware and three reasons that get in the way.

6. If you are religious, does your religion re-enforce your self-esteem or hinder it? Explain.

Chapter Two

IMPORTANCE OF SELF-ESTEEM

How do you feel when you are home alone or with family—when out in a crowd, at the grocery store, or at work?

How do you feel when you have to make decisions—when those decisions work out well, or when they don't work out well?

How do you feel when people disagree with you—when their response to you is negative?

How do you feel when faced with other stressful situations? Are they "threats" or are they "challenges and opportunities?"

How do you handle compliments? Do you truly accept them and let them sink in to nurture and strengthen your self-esteem? Do you automatically negate them with thoughts such as, "If they really knew me, they wouldn't say that," or "I really should have done better, so what they are saying really doesn't mean anything," or "They are just saying that to be nice?"

No doubt you can think of other similar situations where you basically "negate" yourself and those ideas that can help build a positive impression of yourself. These are situations where your poor self-esteem causes negative, bad, sad, anxious, and sometimes, unfortunately, self-destructive thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

At the core of your thoughts, feelings and behaviors is how you see yourself—your self-esteem.

How can you ever feel "good" and have peace within yourself if you can't basically like yourself, love yourself, have confidence in yourself, and have flexibility with all of those thoughts and feelings?

Too many people want perfection!

You have to accept that you won't be perfect. However, you can still strive to get as close as possible to your idea of perfection for yourself and, in the process, experience a preponderance of pleasure, satisfaction, and inner peace.

Self-esteem is the nucleus, the center of your world—the point around which your personal world revolves.

Self-esteem is like the hub of the wagon wheel; your habits of thinking, feeling and behaving, developed over the years, are like the spokes. If your self-esteem isn't positive, strong and reasonably steady because of too many negative habits, the hub will collapse and the multitude of spokes in your life will crumble and break; your trip on life's path will be mostly unpleasant and unsatisfactory. It will be filled with upheaval and trauma, lacking in peacefulness, and fulfillment.

Many people ask, "Why can't I cope with stress the way I used to? Why can't I be as helpful to others or as active in as many volunteer organizations? Why do the kids irritate me more? Why am I less tolerant of others' behaviors—spouses, friends, and fellow employees?" Have you ever asked these questions?

In these situations you no doubt feel a marked lack of gratification in your life and an increasing frustration with yourself. Although such thoughts and feelings can be the result of depression, anxiety, or highly stressful events in your life, they can also lead to anxiety, depression, phobias, and other undesirable emotional states.

Where does self-esteem fit in here?

Most likely, if you have a strong, positive impression of yourself and know how to keep that self-esteem growing, as you grow, you won't "wear out" in these ways. Those "spokes" of your life will be strong and will allow you to continue smoothly on your trip through life because your hub—your nucleus—your self-esteem is solid, reliable and well cared for.

Often you can get along life's path "okay" by learning to smile, or to be "agreeable." You learn to anticipate the needs of others so you can meet those needs and in so doing, feel you are doing what's "right" and what will bring you happiness, satisfaction, acceptance, and love. For a while all this works, and you don't feel a lot of emotional pain.

Eventually, however, you get tired of doing this; for whatever reason it just doesn't work anymore. You develop the awareness that these habits of thinking, feeling and behaving, learned in childhood and "refined" in your growing-up years, really aren't meeting your needs. You aren't feeling more secure within yourself. You aren't thinking you are more lovable and acceptable. In other words, these habits really haven't helped you obtain and maintain a positive, lasting impression of yourself.

If positive self-esteem had been more "solidly rooted" deep within you, you wouldn't be facing this predicament. Your nurturing would come from within you where you have control, not from outside where you have limited or no control.

How you think about yourself, how you feel about yourself, how you see yourself, the impressions you have of yourself, influence almost everything you think, do and feel. This is like the "filter" through which your experiences, decisions, and interpretations pass.

Isn't it most desirable to have a positive "filter," a strong one that keeps working for you throughout life? A filter that can block out the harshness of the negatives in life and let you see and experience the positives.

Wouldn't that increase your odds of more positive inner impressions, more happiness in life, more peacefulness, more clear thinking and objectivity?

Wouldn't you see that as very important, very desirable?

Not only is this desirable, it is obtainable; you deserve it, right?

Hopefully, the importance of self-esteem is getting clearer to you. No doubt, when you really think about it, you can see other factors that underscore the importance of positive impressions of self. These factors can help you stay "engaged" in the process of learning and maintaining a strong, positive, comfortable, and internally generated self-esteem.

(Continues...)

Excerpted from IMPRESSIONS OF SELFby Dennis C. Westin Copyright © 2011 by Dennis C. Westin, M.D.. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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