CHAPTER 1
The Icons Within
Are you living a life that just does not feel right? Have you thought about seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist or counsellor but do not have the time, energy, or courage to turn and face the unsettling reality of your life, a life you believe is less than what it could be? Often it is difficult to see a psychologist, psychiatrist or counsellor, as you feel embarrassed that you have a problem you cannot solve and you have to seek help from a stranger. Sometimes you are ashamed of a hidden past about which you have never spoken but which you know is in the way. Often you are depressed and discouraged. Life itself is dragging you down.
If you find yourself secretly nodding yes to these comments, then please know that this book is written with you in mind. There is a way out, a means for you to find release from whatever it is that holds you back. There is a way to achieve inner clarity and a mindset that is energized and optimistic, with a passion for going forward that is so strong that you will forget about those thoughts of giving up. Here, one of my clients describes her efforts to acknowledge and release her sense of anger and injustice regarding problems from her past:
What happened to me made me feel a lot of shame and worthlessness. The memories have haunted me for the past 16 years and have caused me nothing but pain and trouble. It is time to end this pain I feel ... I am tired of keeping this pressed down inside of me. It hurts too much. I have enough pain in my life that I have caused myself to deal with; it's time for this to come out. I am not hiding this pain anymore; it hurts too much, and all the anger this has caused for me, I don't need anymore.
If you sincerely attempt the strategies that are described in this book, I believe you will begin to experience significant changes in the way you see the world and yourself. You will move beyond the pain and suffering from past hurts and indignities. You will sense a lasting change within and a deeper sense of personal integrity. I have witnessed this approach work time and time again having used these strategies successfully with over 500 clients. Although this process is emotionally painful, it is very powerful. If you are willing to risk brief emotional upheaval and painful moments of reflection, combined with tears, you will find that you have moved forward through your healing to discover and release your true self.
Something Is Not Quite Right
Right now, in this moment, you know or at least suspect that there is something wrong. There is something within that prevents you from leading the life you desire: a life with passion, commitment, and self-confidence. Sometimes, like the person quoted above, you have an idea of what it is that holds you back from this more powerful connection with life itself. Possibly you have never said it out loud to another person. You might even believe that if you share some unsettling aspect of your past, this might be the starting point for change.
You give it some thought and decide that possibly a discussion with a professional or even a trusted friend would lead to some insight and the changes you want — if you could only find the courage to take that step. On the other hand, you may decide to travel silently and privately, at least in the beginning, by reading this book. That is a positive step too.
If you are travelling alone, I ask you to observe others engaging in the treatment process I will describe below and then imagine that you are following the therapeutic strategies recommended. In your mind, begin to acknowledge your hidden problems. This is the first step required for change. This effort can be very positive. Unfortunately, these efforts can also be unsettling. Do not be afraid if you begin to feel upset. That is part of the journey. Eventually, when you are brave enough, you may throw caution aside and pick a psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist, or counsellor and, within the privacy and confidentiality offered, attempt to change. For now, read along as I describe how Iconic therapy was developed, and follow the participants who took part in the powerful therapeutic strategies which brought lasting and positive change to their lives.
* The first step
You will discover that the psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist, or counsellor that you choose first tries to develop a relationship of trust with you. He or she tries to present a sense of safety and a place where you can share your problems. You find an accepting and secure relationship from which to launch your search for a more passionate and involved version of yourself. Finally, the unspeakable is spoken. You share a secret that has haunted you and may possibly have been holding you back. You experience a sense of relief.
Once this breakthrough has occurred, the discussion of the problem begins in earnest. Good progress seems to be made. You feel better for a while, but then the same nagging anxiety, the same frustration, the same emptiness returns. The treatment sessions begin to lose their impact. You find yourself at a loss for what to do next. What should follow the tenth or eleventh session, after the conversations have circled the problem and examined its every dimension? From this point on, the direction of each session is often left to you. Both you and the counsellor have found that talking about the problem brings some relief. With the problem revealed, you consider strategies for change, agree to them, and attempt them. You understand your issues more clearly and yet the anxiety remains.
* Is the counseling enough?
Even with the insight you have acquired, the effort to change seems to go against the grain of your personality. It is as if you have been brainwashed to continue to act and, more specifically, feel as you always have. After the initial experience of relief, the progress that resulted from the first series of sessions with a psychologist or counsellor only comes in small doses. Change seems only temporary. It is as if you and the therapist, like Sisyphus of Greek mythology, are pushing that rock up a hill together. When you reach what appears to be the top, you have some answers and some understanding, but no lasting inner change. You eventually realize that there is a mountain-climb of joyless existence still ahead. In one moment of weakness, that rock, that burden of anxiety and discouragement, rolls back to the bottom. You fall into your old ways of being, left to start again, more knowledgeable but more weary and resigned than before. You may think that nothing will ever really change.
A New Theory on How to Change Your Personality
I strongly believe there is hope for you even if the counselling that you tried (or considered) did not work (or did not impress) as thoroughly as you might have wanted. The new theory I have developed and tested presumes that the problem or problems that you suffer from have at their foundation an almost unalterable mindset. Most likely you have developed a style of thinking and processing your concerns that appear (to you) to be the only way to think and feel about your experiences. The way you have been processing information and solving problems is programmed within you; it has been established to maintain and improve your survivability. That is why you are so reluctant to change. Your survival-oriented way of perceiving your problem and further, your way of perceiving the world in general, is part of the problem. It is so solidly in place that it is almost impossible, to change. Talking with a counsellor about your problems and how you might solve them is helpful. However, even with the therapeutic efforts at talking through and understanding your problems, the negative way you feel about yourself as a person often remains.
* New discoveries made with those who have suffered extreme trauma
Many of the discoveries underlying this theory were made in prison settings. While working in a number of different prisons, I found that the inmates arrived with problems similar to those clients I treated in the community. The only difference was that problems of the incarcerated clients were greater in number and severity than those of their community counterparts and often originated from a multitude of powerful and deeply traumatic sources. For some, but certainly not all, their recent incarceration triggered a strong interest in and commitment to change. They had been forcibly removed from the environment that had led them, and continually tempted them, to take part in criminal behavior. In part, imprisonment forced them to stop what they had been doing and asked them to take a long and serious look at their lives. It was similar to the ashram experience that law-abiding citizens sometimes choose in order to spend time on reflection, hoping to find a better way to live their lives.
These prisoners were similar to you or me. They wanted change, and they wanted it badly. Some were willing to take risks that many of us would prefer to avoid: risks in the form of difficult therapeutic interventions that I presented to them.
At times, I would only have a few sessions with these inmates. Given the pressure of the circumstances, individual time spent per session was generally less than ideal; often only a few half-hour sessions could be arranged. This resulted in strategies that quickly focused on the core of the problem and then a direct attack on that problem. Significant inner changes began to occur that impacted the basic organization of the personality, especially those aspects responsible for perceiving and processing problems. By tolerating and overcoming the anxiety and self-doubt that blocked personal growth, these clients were able to discover and release more authentic versions of who they really were.
I then began to use and develop these strategies in a group format for imprisoned women who had suffered every variation of trauma one could imagine: physical, emotional, sexual, and psychological. It became evident that the impact of the group and the support of the other group members magnified the power and efficiency of these strategies. A description of that program will reveal the basic principles for personal growth that can be used to address all types of problems. I found that these strategies worked for men and women who were living their lives well below their potential, living with secrets that haunted them and discouragement that held them back.
These extremely dysfunctional individuals, who had had to be imprisoned to find a semblance of stability and sobriety, found healing in both small and large doses through the strategies I presented to them. When they entered the program, they were functioning in the bottom third of the adult population. Upon successfully completing these therapeutic interventions, they had achieved the potential to move to the middle third of the population. Some of them were able to become law-abiding citizens who were respectful of the rights of others.
* The same strategies can be applied to your problems
The same strategies can be used for the average person, a person similar to you. With these interventions, you can move to a higher level after finding release from the inner conflicts with which you struggle. If you take part in this healing journey you will begin to feel stronger in your efforts to fulfill the responsibilities of daily living. With the successful completion of the strategies developed in this program, you will slowly evolve to become a person not easily threatened by the hurtful comments of others. You will begin to experience a sense of peacefulness within. You will be more often touched by moments of joyfulness in living a life with direction. You will be able to more clearly perceive the problems of daily life and then actualize well-reasoned solutions. Finally, and most importantly, you will find your true voice.
CHAPTER 2
The Formation and Shaping of the Personality
Remembering Mom
When I try to remember you, in the past,
Is something I don't want to last,
But all I can really see clear
Is you with that crack pipe.
I would never have thought as a kid
My own mom would be the type.
I used to lie for you,
So we could try to stay together
For whatever weather.
I also try to stay brave
In hope you can be saved,
When I cry and cry, the tears make my eyes swell
And back then and even now
I feel that I am in my own hell.
You used to beat me and pull it off discreet. You teased me then and now.
Is it to please yourself or does it make you feel big and strong?
I didn't do anything wrong to you but love you,
And that is true.
All I wanted was to be with you and to change stage by stage.
That is what I wanted all my life ...
I look to the blue sky; I wish I could fly;
I don't care for me or anyone anymore,
So the tears pour, and I fail like I knew I would one day.
— The betrayed son
One thing you will notice when you take part in Iconic therapy is your resistance to some or all of the exercises. Your resistance is to be expected, as you will be asked to change the way you process and understand your problem and your relationship with it. That may feel uncomfortable and unnatural and lead to your reluctance to engage in the treatment exercises. In one sense, you have the problem, and then you have your way of coping with the problem. Unfortunately, it adds up to two problems. The second problem, your coping strategies, is best understood in terms of the principles of survival, which are the underpinnings of Iconic therapy.
Survival Is the Basic Need
When you were first born, you held within a tremendous energy and longing to connect with your mother. You needed your mother for your survival. If the situation was ideal, you made that connection. Your mother loved you and fulfilled your needs for nurturing and growth. Ideally, she was there for you when you were completely dependent and vulnerable. She was essential for your survival.
However, no mother is perfect. The conditions for your growth and care were, most likely, less than ideal. As an infant, you reacted instinctively to any threat to your survival. Anytime your mother was angry or upset with you, your infant self would interpret that as a threat to your survival. You would adjust your behavior to maximize your chances for survival. These adaptive reactions set the stage for the development of your personality.
* Threats to survival are stored at the core of the personality
Threats to survival reside at the core of the personality structure. These threatening events often occur during youth. Even though extreme examples will be used to explain this theory of how the personality forms, the reader is reminded that even less-extreme threats to survival will lead to the same process and similarly shape and alter the formation of the personality.
Let us begin with a young person who has suffered, like the young person who wrote the rap poem at the beginning of this chapter. As a child he perceived a life-threatening event or series of events that he understood as not only threatening but unfair. Let us say, for the sake of a clarifying example, that this person's mother repeatedly threatened to abandon him. This had a powerful impact on his developing personality, which was then shaped and altered to protect his true self.
