CHAPTER 1
BE KIND TO YOURSELF
There is a common misconception in our society that being kind to yourself is selfish. In reality, it is quite the opposite.
When you are kind to yourself it leads to a far greater acceptance of yourself and therefore a greater acceptance of others.
You lose the urge or habit of talking down to or about yourself. This leads to breaking the habit of talking down to others.
You start to live a happier life. A life filled with a positive outlook rather than a negative one. You start living the life you deserve and while doing so, it spills over to others and creates a more positive atmosphere.
Do you get where I am going with this? Self-kindness is NOT selfish but an absolute necessity in life. By being kind to yourself, you are showing others how you want to be treated and how they should be treating themselves. This leads to a much better emotional atmosphere.
So where do you go from here? The first step is to figure out what self-kindness means to you and what steps you need to take to start with.
There are three main areas of your life to address: physical, emotional and spiritual. Let's take a look at each area and why it is important to be kind to yourself.
First is the physical area. Be kind to your body. You only get one so treat it as best you can. This area can be a big, and I mean BIG, stumbling block for a lot of people. Only you know how you are treating your body and what changes you need to make. Only you know what will work for you to make these changes. It is personal to each individual. Let's take a look at an example.
If you are not being kind to your physical self, it affects your health and therefore your well-being. If you don't feel your best it can hinder your thought process. This can lead to compounding unhealthy habits.
Think back to a time when you were really hungry and had to make some important decisions. Were you able to give your complete attention to the task at hand or were your thoughts occupied with when you were going to eat? Let's take this a step further. You finally get to eat, so you want something really fast. This is where the term fast food comes in; it is fast but not necessarily good for your body. We can all remember a time when we quickly stuffed ourselves with such food only to say afterwards how gross we felt. We did not give our bodies the proper fuel to function at its peak. Ok, do you follow this part?
Now think back to a time when you had a nutritious meal and then had to make decisions. By nourishing your body, you are feeding your brain and are able to make better decisions. Kind of like a fog lifting.
We all do things that are not healthy to our physical body: being physically inactive, smoking, drinking too much, etc. You can see where I am headed with this. It is really hard to be on task all the time but you try to do the best you can. Bad habits can be changed but not all at once. Sometimes it takes more than one try to change the bad habit into a healthier one. One of the best kindnesses you can do for yourself is to keep trying so you can have a good, strong, healthy body. You can find the strength, yes strength, to make the changes you need. These changes won't happen overnight. It all takes time but it is time well spent because it is spent on you.
The next area we are going to look at is being kind to yourself emotionally. This is a Big Job because we all have a tendency to put ourselves down whether or not we are aware of it.
Our emotional health is very complicated. As complicated as each and every one of us is. As complicated as each of our thoughts are. These thoughts are what we operate with each and every day of our lives. We cannot always control our thoughts but we can train them in a more positive direction. It simply takes time and effort. Sounds easy, right? NOT! If it was just that simple, we would all be living our best lives. Our thoughts are one of the hardest things to address and how we think about ourselves is the hardest to change.
Have you ever had someone compliment you and you just shrugged it off? Why? Let's go in the opposite direction: have you ever had someone say something negative about you and you immediately believe them? Why? Why is it easier to believe the bad but not the good?
The emotional kindnesses we show ourselves are the best gifts we can give to ourselves. We do deserve it and that is something we'll discuss in a future chapter. Where to start? Once again, you need to determine what's your end goal is and what steps you need to take to get there. Take it one step at a time. A good step to start with is to stop speaking negatively about yourself. Try to do that every day.
The last area is spiritual kindness. This is one of the most neglected kindnesses in our lives. It is the kindness of allowing ourselves to believe something or someone. We all need something or someone to believe in, in a spiritual and inner way. We, as humans, need to be able to pray, wish, commune or speak in some way, to our belief. Being spiritually kind helps us to live a calmer life. This calmer life leads to a happier life. Having a spiritual belief or faith helps us to have a belief and faith in humanity.
Physical, emotional and spiritual self-kindness is all tied together. We need to be kind to ourselves in each of these areas because how we treat ourselves in each one affects the other areas. Like a Celtic Knot, they are entwined. If we do not get the right nourishment, we can't think straight or find comfort. If we are not emotionally kind to ourselves, we neither care how we treat our body nor care to look for our comfort. If we are spiritually unkind to ourselves, we can never find our place of comfort where we can be truly kind to ourselves.
Like I said at the beginning of this book, each chapter will have an action page and a result page. It doesn't matter which action you start with as long as you choose one and START!
ACTION STEPS
Choose 3 changes you would like to make in each area:
Physical
1.
2.
3.
Emotional
1.
2.
3.
Spiritual
1.
2.
Now choose 3 from the above to start working on (They can be from the same area)
The 3 changes I chose and results after 1 week
1.
2.
3.
After 2 weeks
1.
2.
3.
After a month
1.
2.
3.
CHAPTER 2
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT
Being stuck in your current state of unhappiness and not being able to find a way out is not your fault. You did not intentionally strive to live a life of unhappiness but circumstances in life have built up in such a way that, before you know it, you are stuck.
You have such a busy life that what makes you happy goes by the wayside, leaving room for unhappiness and discontent to creep in and take up permanent residence. Because these are so sneaky, you don't recognize them until it's too late. You may ask yourself why you didn't see it before. You were not supposed to. No one is hyper-vigilant of their feelings.
That is just not the way we are made. Life becomes all- encompassing task; you are so exhausted at the end of the day, that there is just no time or energy to assess your state of happiness. Generally you are just relieved to get into your bed only to start the routine all over again the next day. By the time you realize that you are unhappy, it has basically become so obvious that it can't be ignored. One of the first questions you may ask yourself is, "How did this happen?" Then maybe, "How did I let this happen?"
Well, it probably happened so gradually that you didn't notice. Maybe there were a few things that you didn't recognize as the building blocks to unhappiness. Maybe these things have been present your entire life and you now accept them as a normal part of your own life.
Let me tell you about Lisa. Lisa is a very beautiful girl. She is quite intelligent and has a lovely personality. Many people tell her what a wonderful person she is BUT the only words fixed in her head were the words of her great-aunt that lived in their house. Almost daily, this person would say to her, "My goodness you're tall. Too tall for a girl. This is what makes you so awkward. What boy is going to like a hulk of a girl like you?" Lisa heard this many, many times over. Her mom would say, "That's just Aunt Ida; that is just how she is." However, Lisa had heard this so much that she believed it; it came to be an absolute truth to her. She couldn't understand why her friends were in happy relationships while she was all alone. She put it down to being such a "hulk" of a girl that no one could possibly be interested in her in that way.
Lisa was not at fault for believing this. She had heard this so much that it had become embedded deep in her psyche. This self-deprecating attitude explained her lack of success with dating. She knew she was just too awkward and clumsy. Oh, she knew they would like her at first but would soon grow tired of her awkwardness so she spared herself the heartbreak and didn't encourage any involvement at all.
Was this behaviour her fault? Absolutely not! Her great-aunt had emotionally abused her since she was a young child. She has carried the consequences of that with her all her life. I want to say this and I want you to hear me — I mean really hear me. If you are a victim of any abuse, whether it be emotional, verbal, physical, sexual or from any other actions that you deem abusive, IT IS NOT, NOR HAS EVER, FOR ONE SECOND, EVER, EVER BEEN YOUR FAULT!
These are situations in your life that you had no control over but the consequences of these situations affect your whole life. You can get past (I am not saying forget) most of these situations with help, but you have to ask for that help. You can lift yourself up — you can do it.
ACTION STEPS
1. Name something that you feel guilty about and that is not your fault.
2. What makes you think you are responsible for this?
3. How can you change your way of thinking this?
4. What are your feelings now?
CHAPTER 3
LET IT GO
Let it go. What does that mean? Is it just a title to a Disney song or does it have real relevance in your life? Well, both are true but we are going to talk about the second meaning — the relevance to your life.
There are two things we hang on to: possessions and feelings. Both of these either lift us up or drag us down. We want to keep the uplifting ones and we need to let go of everything else. When we talk about letting go of these, we are talking about making more room for happiness to enter our lives. The space taken up by all the things that drag us down is now free. The door now opens for the happier moments of your life and for the necessary things in life we need.
We are going to talk about letting go in two parts. The first part is about how to let go of unnecessary physical things. We all have them. The accumulation of things can so bog down your life that you just don't know where to begin. It almost comes to the point that you start to feel claustrophobic, that you just can't breathe in your own home. You get frustrated continually because you don't have enough space.
The more cluttered your space becomes, the more cluttered your mind becomes with frustration. These possessions have overtaken your happiness. This is not done intentionally. Mementos, souvenirs, inheritances, gifts — however you accumulated these things, it happened over time. Sometimes, this was so gradual that you did not notice just how much stuff you have: stuff you have crammed in closets, basements and attics, things you never use. They sit there, gathering dust. A lot of these things you don't want to release because of the sentimental value to you. You think if you get rid of these that you are also getting rid of the happiness associated with them. BUT these things are now creating stress in your life, so those happier memories are gradually getting wiped out and replaced by dread. Well, you can do something about it. Make the decision to declutter your life and therefore declutter your mind. Take pictures of the stuff you like but have no use for. That way you still have the image to invoke the happy memories, (if you need that). Your memories of the really important things will be strong. Sell what you are not using, or better yet, donate it to someone who needs it. There are plenty of people who would be thankful for the things you are not using.
This can be done bit by bit — one closet, box or cupboard at a time. Sooner than you think, you have space: space to live, space to breathe, space to keep things you do need in order. Not only will that help create a calmer house but also a calmer mind. Once you have completed all the purging you need to do, promise yourself that only things that you need and use will occupy a space in your home. This is an ongoing process but one that can quickly become a habit because of the nice feeling it gives you. Make up your mind to start, and do it!
The second part of letting go is about how to let go of negative feelings. How do you get rid of the feelings that drag you down? These can include anger, sadness, envy, despair, bitterness and any other feeling that stops you from living your happiest life.
The reasons for these feelings are many. It may be because of something that was said or done to you, or maybe you were slighted in some way. When I am talking about these things, I am not talking about abuse; I spoke of that in the last chapter. I am referring to things that happen in a non-abusive manner.
Say, for example, you were insulted (or thought you were). You let this spin around and around in your head for days. The more you thought about it, the angrier and more hurt you became. We have all been there. The first thing to ask yourself is, why are you giving so much head space to an event where someone may not have even realized that they insulted you? If they did realize it, and it was intentional, then something is going on with them that has nothing to do with you. Do not allow them to have free rent in your head anymore. As part of the letting go process, you have to determine what is truly important to you and what is not.
Deal with the important issues and let go of everything else. This may include people too. If you have a person in your life that is constantly pulling you down and stealing your happiness, maybe it is time to distance yourself from them. This is hard to do especially with family but you do not have to let them get to you. They obviously have their own issues.
Letting go does not come without some pain. The object of this is to have it become less painful the more you do it. Part of the pain occurs because letting go will require a change in your mindset, how you think about things and how you react to things. We will talk more about this in a later chapter.
Here are a few suggestions to help you let go:
Imagine putting the thing that is causing your unhappiness into a basket with many balloons attached to it. Now let that basket drift high into the air, taking that unhappiness farther and farther away from you.
If it is a person who is causing your unhappiness, write them a letter. Write the letter on paper, not in your email. Write down everything that they do to cause you unhappiness — I mean everything. When you are done, read it over. Once you have done that, tell yourself that you are done with this once and for all. Then burn the letter. This step is important because it is a permanent step. You can never bring that letter back; this way it is signifying your feelings will never be the way they were.
Another way to help you let go is when you are talking about your situation, focus on the positive and slide over the negative, if you must speak of it at all. By changing the way you tell the story, you are also changing your feelings about it. This may be subtle in the beginning but will be noticeable over time.
ACTION STEPS
1. Objects
Name an object or two that you have been hanging on to that you do not use or need.
How will you let this (these) go?
Describe your feelings once you are done.
2. Emotions
Name a negative emotion you want to be rid of.
How will you do this?
Describe your feelings once you are done
