CHAPTER 1
Acceptance of Others
Dear God,
Guide me in Your will; help me to learn from those I work with. Allow me the boundaries necessary to be safe and loved.
Fill my heart with Your acceptance in my daily living.
Let me let them be. Let me remember I am not You. I can only change myself.
Show me the patterns of pain by coworkers; let me learn this final lesson, so my wounds in and around my heart and soul heal.
My character defects only hurt my relationship with You. Without You, I am lost. Give me the strength and courage I need to walk quietly on this journey.
Help me change my thoughts, and actions, and reactions.
Use me as You will—as a messenger of the fellowship—and have Your powers teach me to lovingly accept the people I help through You.
The gifts I have are all of Your making.
God, I am sorry that at times I live in fear at work. I know when I can feel You in me and with me, I cannot feel fear, only Your love.
I give to You all at work this minute, every day, that You will allow them to be a part of my life each day if it is Your will.
I can and will accept that and maintain some healthiness for myself.
All or Nothing
Dear God,
My prayer is for the inclination to do Your will. I struggle with why I choose to do my will and once again have the negative emotions of guilt, shame, and remorse.
I have experienced the love of those who love me, and it is such a gift and blessing. Why won't I allow myself to be happy, joyous, and free? It is the total insanity of not loving myself. What am I doing to my body, Your temple?
It is all or nothing for me. I've lost my balance. I want my obsessions and compulsions to again be removed, as You did many years ago with my alcoholism. I pray that I will become willing to do the footwork.
Why am I still emotionally unequipped to live life? What is it going to take? I am tired of this continuous losing battle.
Surrender. Thank You, God, for so clearly giving me the answer.
Remove from my mind what is blocking me from You. Take away my fears and insecurities. Fill me with Your abounding love, and comfort me to forgive myself for all my issues I cling to.
Free me from my own bondage in my head, the past, the anger, the resentments, and the disappointments in myself and how I have displeased You.
My heart bonds with You. You have blessed me and given me gifts, knowledge, and talent to help others.
Demonstrate to me how to do the same for me. Help me to clear away my hurtful thoughts and actions that block You.
Fill my soul with the inner peace I so desire. I want to be a better person for You and myself.
Give me the insight to know when to hold my tongue. Open my eyes to the magnificence around me. Let me feel Your strength and guidance and hear Your voice.
My issues that prevent me from loving myself I give to You at this moment. I trust that You will heal me, heart, mind, body, and soul.
Grant me the courage and strength to let go and let You manage what holds me back.
I am not a failure. With Your love and guidance, I will take the steps of my recovery program to be a whole person. I am eager to do the footwork and to give myself to thee.
Another Way
The ending is near.
The war will soon be over.
Wounded hearts will embark on the journey of healing.
Casualties are the families caught in the crossfire,
Innocent children too young to understand the losses.
Can all start anew?
Is there enough love for forgiveness?
Will we let go?
The battle was lengthy,
Attacks from both sides.
Is there ever a winner?
Survival, at times, can be an end, not a new beginning.
Will peace and love reenter the wounded?
Will judgment cease?
Will we let go of the resentments?
Will our wounds heal as we continue to cling to the pain?
It didn't have to be this way.
Balance
My inner child is happy, content, and proud of her adult self.
The little me is full of joy and life; the feelings of abandonment and rejection have dissipated. What a relief!
All these years, the little girl in me has struggled to grow up, to be an adult, a whole person.
The adult in me feels like an adult, confident, loved, accepted, and real.
The child in me is full of wonder and awe, which her adult self creates, believes, sees, hears, and listens to today with no hidden fears.
My adult isolation has ceased for a while.
A divine connection with the adult loudly declares my love for others, my desire to be a part of, and a willingness to be. The frightened child peeks out in the full light and graciously smiles in her heart and soul, knowing this could and would be attained.
The adult in me lovingly embraces her inner child, comforts her, and nurtures her, transferring their active roles. They are coming to a place of unification, and their one heart and soul will rejoice when that occurs.
Will all days be as today? Neither of them are worried; they both accept the miracle of this day and take nothing for granted.
The adult feels motherly; she is aware her inner child has been neglected, shamed, rejected, and guilt-ridden by her. She accepts at times the role of staying small; her defenses fight against the large world of uncertainty.
She praises her Higher Power and gives thanks for His never-ending love, His constant acceptance, and His forgiveness. His introducing her to herself, guiding her to a higher place: adulthood.
Her life experiences over the years have caused much suffering and pain for both of them. The lessons learned, inspiring, fulfilling, growth, sadness, chaos, abandonment, fear, love, despair, self-hate, aliveness, self-love, courage, strength, wisdom, knowledge, patience, grace, beauty, and gratitude.
The rhythm of my heart is now constant—no skips, no swift rushing of the flow, peacefulness. My soul dances, softly unhurried, calming, full of love and inner surrender. My mind is clear, no muddled thinking. My body is at rest. All of me has ceased fighting.
The merger of my inner child, my little girl, and the adult woman is ongoing, full of daily anticipation and wonder, harmoniously in balance today.
Betrayal
I've been left behind again, a new replacement.
In an instant, my life as I knew it changed forever.
My intuition was right—so grateful I trust it.
Lies of omission crowded my space.
I questioned his truths; he lied to my face.
He phoned to share his truths; I had been replaced.
All the years and memories—my heart and soul endures this pain.
My head and thoughts are drained.
At what age does this behavior stop?
If it is God's will, I will love another.
Recovery taught me to let go of my male dependency.
Blessed forever for the good and bad I've learned over the years.
He will never again betray me; that opportunity is gone.
I release him with love.
The Black Hole
The veil of darkness smothered my existence.
Fear danced joyfully.
Death thoughts ran rampant.
Not wanting to die, not wanting to live like this,
My heart and soul withdrew from humankind.
My isolation kept me from all living beings.
Windows of my mind were draped with blackness.
My soul darkened with complete void of light.
My heart ached from sadness and despair.
The willingness to allow self-love in was contained.
Any flicker of hope was withering away.
My faith was blanketed with doubt.
My back turned away from my Higher Power and His light.
I was engulfed in darkness of my own making.
I can only begin to see the light when I am truthful.
I must express my fears, release them to my Higher Power and my friends who understand.
I must communicate my perceptions, right or wrong.
Not doing so will deliver all of me into the abyss of the black hole.
Body and Soul
The separation of my body and soul: anxiety, despair, and a new longing touch my soul.
Newness starts to abandon those emotions that consume my soul and my body, thus allowing my soul to soar to the heavens, freeing me of my physical and emotional distress.
With clarity, my soul glows with newfound freedom, grateful that through my past years, I have tried to nurture myself for the very moment of death.
I release my fear of bodily death and willingly accept the bounty in my soul.
My journey allows me to see my end as a beginning. What a journey. All my years filled with death, loss, grief, and denial have readied me spiritually, and there is no fear, only peacefulness. My soul journey has lifted and released me to let go of all that has held me stagnant.
What a miracle. The joy in this day—death is no longer my enemy, and my negative feelings for those who have crossed over without me have ceased. Those feelings of rejection and abandonment have left. I now have an intense feeling of coming to life, awakening from years of self-confinement both mentally and physically.
As my soul warms my heart, it is a beacon of healing to me, signaling the rise of my self-love and self-acceptance.
All is well. I am enough and deserving.
If this day was my last on Mother Earth, I am ready; leaving those I love would break my heart, but crossing over to see my loved ones who have left this earth before me would only enhance my soul.
Oh, Holy Spirit, when You want me to make the body and soul transformation, I will praise You.
My soul wounds ache to see You, welcoming my body to eternity. The shell of my body is to be cremated and returned to Your Mother Earth.
When You come for me, my soulfulness will embrace You.
Caged Bird
My Creator,
I am filled with pain. The emptiness in my heart and soul is unbearable.
My life is in turmoil; the truths of my childhood haunt me.
The sadness is overwhelming. How could my mother and father so easily let me go?
For years, I blamed them for dying and leaving me, and then I focused the blame on You.
I pray for Your strength and guidance to forgive them and You, so I may move on in my life.
The stagnant feelings are buried wounds of my past.
The confusion and sorrow are hindering my growth to be the person You want me to be.
Fill my heart with the unconditional love that awaits me on my spiritual path.
Give me the courage to move forward, free of the guilt and remorse.
Grant me the willingness to set boundaries in my life, which will protect me.
Your will and Your love will set me free from the imprisonment of my dysfunction.
I have felt like a caged bird, no freedom in sight.
Take away my fears and open my heart and soul to see my truths, so I can live in peace and harmony.
You have sustained me during this difficult and challenging life; I know You will continue to do so.
My relationships are suffering; doubt and guilt limit my growth.
My life is compromised by the unknown and outsiders.
My Creator, I pray for the ability to see clearly, to hear lovingly, and to experience my life.
Challenges
The grey skies slowly drift.
The dreariness is abounding.
Challenge of light versus darkness, peacefulness after the storm:
The skies opened and flooded roads, streets, homes, and all waterways with their tears.
The wind roared with a fierceness damaging trees, power lines, and roofs.
Electrical power surged with all its might, to only be thrust into darkness by the force of Mother Nature.
The ground thirstily drank the fallen rain until no more could be contained.
The trees swayed, their roots loosening from the rain-soaked ground.
All living creatures sought relief from the elements. Some stayed to fight their own battle; others cowered for peace of mind and safety.
Prayers were prayed, fears were voiced, support was given, love was flowing, there were no strangers, and help was abundant.
How can human beings not be full of love and service each and every day?
How do the threats and acts of devastation make us more accepting and loving of one another?
The life-changing experiences of chaos and mass exodus force all to face the reality that life is not forever.
Why do we choose to not live the reality of One Day at a Time unless we come face-to-face with real life challenges?
The sadness is over.
Restrictive boundaries:
No love without conditions,
No peace without chaos first,
No oneness without separation first,
No kindness without isolation first.
Change
The weather change is frequent;
Amazing how nature adapts routinely.
My self is less than thrilled; the cold air, the spike in the temperatures, is at times drastic.
Today the breeze is warm and fulfilling, soothing and caressing my soul.
The chill is gone.
Tomorrow change may come; the coldness may return to discomfort.
My soul is restless. It yearns for warmth.
My body struggles to address the change.
Today the softness and gentleness of the air is visible—Trees sway,
Clouds silently dance to their new locale.
My hair blows with the air dance.
Choices
How did I get here? I never wanted this to happen.
All I wanted was to be a part of ... that is why I drank and used drugs.
My family doesn't understand; they all say "Just stop drinking and using." I wish it were that simple. They keep asking me what is wrong with me.
I don't like me when I am not using.
The alcohol and drugs made me feel good about me. I am a part of; I belong.
When I kept using, I began to have problems with my family, friends, teachers, and all the people who were important to me.
My grades began to fall, I isolated from my old friends, and I hung out with only the people I could use with, or use. I would lie, cheat, and steal. I'm not like I used to be.
Now, I am facing some serious legal charges because of my using.
Soon, I will be in court facing a judge. How do I explain to him that I didn't mean for this to happen?
I was high on alcohol and drugs. I lost control of my car and had a head-on collision with another car. A father, mother, and their three-year-old baby girl were in it.
The mother and baby girl died instantly. The father was seriously injured, but he survived.
I had a few cuts and scratches.
The father's life ended as he lived it before this accident, and so did mine.
He will never see his wife and baby.
I'll never forgive myself.
How did this happen?
Drinking and using became my life. They destroyed his life and mine.
The pain, grief, sorrow, and loss—we both felt it, but for different reasons.
Mine are because I lost my best friends, alcohol and drugs. I can't imagine not using or drinking for the rest of my life.
How can I live without them?
How will I survive?
I have nothing to look forward to.
The father feels the same.
My lawyer made me come here to treatment. He told me it would look good to the judge.
I am only a teenager facing spending the rest of my life in prison.
My choices in life are what got me here—what do I do now?
My first week in treatment was horrible. I felt like doing this was way worse than going to jail.
My second week was better. My head had begun to clear. I had not used in weeks.
The magnitude of what I had done became real.
My counselors were kind to me. They did not judge me for what had happened. They helped me to learn what using alcohol and drugs can really do to the body, mind, and spirit.
