CHAPTER 1
Healing Outside MemoriesIs an Inside Job
He remembered everything, the good times, the toughtimes, the beautiful, the ugly. You name it, he rememberedit. It began when he was five years old. Home from schooland too sick to be up playing with toys, he lay in bed andlooked at the calendar. By the end of the week, he hadmemorized the entire year of 1966. As the years went by,each day he would make mental notes of which day it waswhen this or that event happened.
Sometimes it was fun to remember everything. He couldlook back at his childhood and remember happy timeson the beach with his family and friends, swimming in theocean, boating in the bay, going to the boardwalk, thebursts of hysterical laughter while enjoying Thanksgivingdinner with his grandparents. He remembered every familypicnic, and he remembered every Christmas morning,including which presents he did or didn't get each year.
His birthday memories included who came to the party,at what restaurant the family dined, the palatial delightsthat were indulged. He also remembered the carnivalacross the street which always happened to be the sameweek as his birthday.
Then there were the good times in school. He hadvarious roles in the school plays, including Beelzebub inSaint George and the Dragon and the young boy in AChristmas Carol who Scrooge sends to buy the turkey.Never mind that he stood a head taller than the boy whoplayed Scrooge. There were the two game saving catchesin Little League, and the award he won for being the bestEnglish student at his junior high graduation. He was evenelected president of his sixth grade class.
He remembered all the good times with friends.Canoeing on the river, crawling through manholes andbeing relieved that he and his friend lived. Playing arcadegames at the shore. Pulling pranks at fraternity parties suchas trashing someone's room while they were indisposedin another. He not only remembered his first kiss, but hissecond, third, and every kiss thereafter. What a great lifeto remember!
Having a great memory could be a pain in the brain atother times. How would you like to remember every nastything that every kid in school ever said to you or did to you?Would you like to remember every time your boss yelledat you at a job?
There were those kisses, but there were also painfulbreakups. There were times of being recognized for goodjob performance, but there was also the time of beingpermanently laid off from his first job after college. They hadthe nerve to say, "You can either hate us or be thankful forthe experience." Unbelievable!
He also had a plethora of mixed memories, including atour of Europe and a tour of American Battlefields. The sightswere great, but the company left much to be desired.
There were mixed moments in school, too. Heremembered playing the trumpet in the school show Guysand Dolls. When he auditioned with his trumpet, the banddirector bluntly stated, "You sound good, I'm surprised."
As the years went by, the memories grew and wouldrandomly flash into his consciousness. He not only recalledthe sights and sounds, but his nerves would flood withintense feelings as if he were experiencing the memory atthat very moment. One moment to the next would bringa roller coaster of intense laughter, mourning, or anxietydepending on which memory popped into the forefront ofhis brain.
Then one day, he had a life-changing thought. What ifhe could find a way to hold onto the good feelings from thegood memories while at the same time, reduce or eliminatethe occurrence and intensity of the bad memories and theroller coaster of emotions that those bad memories broughtwith them? Being a good student, and an imaginative soul,he decided to experiment with his mind. His brain would bethe laboratory, and the memories would be the researchsubjects.
Day after day, he performed different experiments withhis happy and unhappy memories. This was quite a feat fora teenager. However, since he memorized an entire year ofthe calendar at age five, maybe mental gymnastics withhis memories was not the stretch that it seemed.
Besides being imaginative, the young man was also anastute observer of human nature. He noticed that whileother people did not remember as many events as he did,people were affected by their memories. Kids who werebullied at school either became shy or they became bulliesthemselves. People whose spouses died seemed to neverbe happy again. He would often notice that many peoplewould mope and sulk if they had lost a lover or did not geta job they wanted.
These observations of human nature made him angryand compassionate. He felt angry because it seemed unfairthat anyone should be stuck in the past as a victim of theirunpleasant memories. He felt compassionate becausehe wanted to help people. Between the fascination withmemory and the emotions elicited by studying humannature, it seemed only fitting that he should study psychologyin college.
You may have surmised by now that this man is me. Ihave dedicated my life to controlling my own mind as Ihave so many memories in it, and I live to help people dothe same through my counseling and coaching work.
The methods that I have discovered and learned haveenabled me to help hundreds of people recover more oftheir good memories, and to use their bad and negativememories as positive learning experiences. This book willhelp you achieve the same happiness, contentment, andsuccess that my clients have achieved.
For me, having hyperthymesia, the ability to rememberevery day of one's life with near perfect detail, is a gift. First,it is a gift because there have only been, at the time of thiswriting, thirty-two other documented cases of people withthe same ability. Second, it is a gift because it brings with itthe ability to recall many positive memories instantly, andthe ability to learn lessons from the memories that seemednegative.
Everyone has a plethora of memories that they do notrecall, but with the right encouragement and the right tools,those lost memories can be retrieved. The main reasonpeople forget information and episodes in their lives isthat they are busy with everyday life. They have stress andanxiety, both of which temporarily inhibit memory. Theymay also just think that they can't remember becausethey believe that they can't. Other people suppress theirmemories due to trauma in their lives. They prefer not toremember.
Many people suppress memories. Perhaps you do tooand are reading this book because you want to remembermore. However, you may wonder: what are the benefits ofretrieving painful memories? Would it not be better to leavethem alone and go about your business?
Some people seem to be able to just move on, forgetthe past, and be happy. I have had people who were notmy counseling clients say things such as, "My father yelledat me all the time when I was growing up, but it doesn'tmatter." "My first boyfriend was abusive, but now I am ina great relationship." These people may or may not havebeen able to put the past behind them. Some of them maybe in denial. This means that they are not aware of howthey are affected by the memory.
Others may genuinely have let go and may mean itwhen they say, "It doesn't matter." Hardy personality is acharacteristic we ascribe to people who are uncommonlyresilient and can bounce back from anything.
I knew a woman who had a cancer operation whenshe was just twenty-seven years old. When she awoke fromthe surgery, she said, "May I go home and make dinnernow?" Some people just seem to naturally let go, put thingsbehind them, and quickly move on.
If everyone had a hardy personality, therapists wouldeither be unemployed or doing something else. I wouldprobably be a historian or an archivist. Maybe I would betending a graveyard and keeping death and burial records.However, since people need help, there is an extensive fieldof counseling. Most of us do not bounce back as quickly asthe hardy ones. When something traumatic happens, theeffects stay with us unless we deal with them.
It is important to understand how our memories stickwith us and affect our every day behavior. Frequently in mypractice, I have clients who have self-defeating patternsfor example. Some clients seem to reach success but thensabotage it. They fare well on a job interview but at the end,they may say something that disqualifies them.
During my college years, I worked in a museum forethnic studies. A well-qualified candidate came in for ajob interview and the museum staff seemed excited abouthaving her. Despite the initial excitement, this woman ruinedher chances before the interview ended. She asked thelibrarian, "Can you trace your genetics?" I do not know ifshe meant to say "Can you trace your genealogy?" ratherthan what she actually said, or if she was indeed ignorantof the difference between the two terms. However, this oneerror cost her chance at the job.
I also knew a young man in college who professed thathe really wanted a girlfriend. However, when he talkedto women, he would start well but inevitably he wouldsay something which caused the ladies to not have anyinterest in him. He might have made a rude remark abouther appearance or talked about someone who he knewshe did not like. Consequently, he repeatedly sabotagedhis chances. Other people start well in a new job andunwittingly stop producing. Then there are the millions ofpeople who start a diet, lose some weight and then gain itback. I know this has never happened to you!
People need to understand why they self-sabotage.When I counsel people, I ask them if they believe theydeserve to have a good job, or whether or not they deserveto be in a good relationship. If they believe they do notdeserve good things, then I will work with them to changetheir beliefs. However, some clients do believe that theydeserve good things but are unsure of why they ruin theirown success. For these clients, it helps to uncover traumaticmemories where they may have developed self-defeatingbeliefs that now affect their lives.
For example, If someone was always told that they don'tdeserve anything good, or that their parents' divorce wastheir fault, they will believe that they are bad and don'tdeserve success or happiness. Therapy then consists of thecognitive technique of changing erroneous and negativebeliefs adopted at the time of the traumatic incident intohealthier ones.
Marriage is another important area of life where past hurtsand negative beliefs are usually hiding. A common sourceof contention within a marriage is accusations containingthe words "always," "never," "inevitably," "typically," andother such absolute terms. During marital therapy, I oftenam able to coach a couple into recalling a time when theaccusation they are referring to didn't actually happen,leading to less judgment and more satisfaction for bothparties. For example, suppose the husband accuses his wifeby saying, "You always override anything that I suggest wedo with the house." Usually, a generalized statement likethis comes when only one incident has occurred. Maybethe husband has just suggested they build a new deck, towhich she responded that they don't have the money. Hefollows up with the statement that she always overrides him.Then I ask both of them to recall a time that he made asuggestion and she agreed with him. She then recalls thatlast year, he suggested they paint the house. They lookedat samples and agreed on a color scheme for each room,and then they painted. By her recalling a memory thatrefutes the "never" belief, he then is able to see that his wifeis not as controlling as he thought.
Recalling your memories can help you with differentissues you might be experiencing in your life. For example,maybe you have an issue with your boss at work. You getknots in your stomach every time he asks to speak with youabout something. To try to understand why you have thisissue with your boss, it may be helpful to remember yourexperiences with parents, teachers, former bosses, andother authority figures. Maybe your parents were overlycritical and you are projecting the fear of criticism into therelationship you have now with your boss.
Suppose you have a problem sticking to an exerciseprogram. You might uncover that you were the last onepicked for teams in gym class, so now you have a generallynegative attitude towards exercise. Maybe you eat toomany comfort foods, such as pizza, cheesecake, or icecream. Then you uncover from your past that you had alack of emotional support in your life. Maybe you havethought about going back to college for your doctoraldegree but can't seem to push yourself to do it. You mightuncover memories of how your parents discouraged youfrom pursuing higher education. "It's just not what we doin our family," or "You could have a nicer car if you didn'twaste money on college."
You might be wondering why you would ever wantto remember these negative things. Memories like thesewould only make you sad, angry, or less self-confident. Theproblem is that even if you do not recall the memories, theeffects of those memories will still remain with you. You maybe stuck in a pattern of bad relationships, failures at jobs,or low self-esteem because of those memories and theemotions and beliefs tied to them. However, as you do theexercises in this book, keep the following ideas in mind:
* As you are instructed to recall unpleasant memories,try to think of them as learning experiences.
* As painful or uncomfortable as some of yourmemories may be, you will be taught how toeliminate the disabling and negative feelingsassociated with those memories.
* You will learn to extract and retain lessons from badmemories and you will learn how you can applythose lessons to your life now.
When you recall an unpleasant memory, you mayblame yourself for letting it happen, you may think thatit happened because there is something wrong with you,or you may be tempted to think that the other peopleinvolved were mean people for what they did to you. Allthree of these interpretations can and will produce anger,anxiety, sadness, or low self-esteem.
Let's look at a hypothetical example. Suppose you recalla time when you ran into some bullies after school andthey beat you up. First, you may blame yourself for lettingit happen. You may think that perhaps you should havecarried a knife to school, or maybe you should have madesure that you were accompanied by other people whileyou were walking around. Maybe you think that somethingis wrong with you or that you are just the kind of person whoothers see as weak. You may say to yourself, "I hope allthose Neanderthals die, go to jail, or wind up with a painfuland terminal disease." None of these thoughts however willbring you happiness or contentment.
Imagine turning an experience like this one into alesson. You could think back and recall how you used towalk in the hallways at school looking like a scared rabbitafter being abused by your schoolmates. Now you realizethat you still sometimes walk and talk like you have no self-confidenceor any sense of safety. A memory like this canbe a life lesson.
There are ways to eliminate the bad feelings associatedwith a memory. As you read through this book and do theexercises, you will learn techniques for eliminating the badfeelings. You will also learn life lessons and eliminate angeror low self-esteem.
You will also learn to use the techniques in this bookto recall pleasant and good memories from your past.Psychology has shown that the more you experience certainthoughts and feelings, the easier it is to later recall andaccess those thoughts and feelings in your mind. Therefore,if you spend a lot of time recalling good memories, you willfind it easier to retrieve the pleasant feelings you had andexperience them again now.
For example, think of a song that reminds you of agood time that you had in the past. When you hear thesong on the radio or on your iPod or MP3 player, you feelthe same feelings in the present moment as if you werehaving the experience from the past right now. You canhave the same experience when you recall the detailsof a pleasant memory, and as you more frequently recallpleasant memories, the more time you will spend feelinggood.
Perhaps in your effort to recall pleasant memorieshowever, you find that so many of your memories arerather unpleasant. You might think that you are one ofthose people who nothing good ever happens to. Maybeso many things don't go your way and you are starting tosee a never ending pattern of defeat.
