You CAN choose happiness over guilt, fear, anger or shame. Yes, it is a choice. You are not doomed to a lifetime of anguish and distress. How can you liberate yourself from malaise and suffering? The solution is learning how to change your peceptions, beliefs and thoughts that imprison your mind. This book is a practical roadmap to becoming free of distress. With over forty case examples from his own practice, Dr. Mercier will show you how to: * Relinquish fear * Overcome guilt * Let go of anger * Accept change * Eliminate self-conflict * Restore balance * Seek happiness Psychiatrist Raymond Mercier, M.D, has over thirty years experience helping people overcome fear, anger, shame, guilt aand loneliness-and usually without medications. A decorated Vietnam veteran, he has developed unique techniques to assist trauma victims. Dr. Mercier is married with three children. He lives in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan.
Happiness: The Better Choice
By Raymond MercierTrafford Publishing
Copyright © 2012 Raymond Mercier M.D.
All right reserved.ISBN: 978-1-4669-2244-0Contents
Chapter 1 Experiences.....................1Chapter 2 Thoughts........................18Chapter 3 Feelings........................30Chapter 4 Balance.........................40Chapter 5 Fear............................56Chapter 6 Anger...........................74Chapter 7 Shame...........................89Chapter 8 Guilt...........................99Chapter 9 Loss............................109Chapter 10 Loneliness.....................120Chapter 11 Change.........................133Chapter 12 Happiness......................147
Chapter One
Experiences Most persons are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Abraham Lincoln
Happy. Content. Peaceful. Joyous. OR Sad. Miserable. Troubled. Distressed.
Are you aware that you have a choice? One might expect everyone would choose to be happy rather than sad, but actually many persons elect (perhaps unwittingly) to remain stuck on their distressing feelings at the expense of happiness. Might you be one of them? Just what does it take to be happy?
As a starting point, feeling happy requires being free of crippling emotions such as fear, anger, shame, guilt, sadness and loneliness. Each of these emotions results in misery. I call these the "six thieves of happiness." It is a simple truism that when you feel bad, you do not feel good. This book focuses on these distressing feelings and how to overcome them. I will share with the reader numerous techniques I have developed over my thirty years of treating psychiatric patients to expell bad feelings.
When we are overwhelmed by intense emotion, we cannot think or reason properly. Our responses to stimuli become entirely emotional, thereby short-circuiting our problem-solving abilities. Emotion without thought results directly in action. This type of response, popularly called "fight or flight," was described by the physiologist Hans Selye more than eighty years ago. Powerful emotions, such as terror or rage, are swiftly followed by impulsive behavior.
The Six Thieves of Happiness
Fear
A terrifying event will produce a prolonged fearful response. One sunny afternoon, A.B. found himself the victim of an episode of road rage. He was driving his commercial truck northbound on Interstate Highway 275 outside Detroit when a car traveling in the opposite direction was suddenly launched airborne, slamming into the hood of his truck. A.B. escaped unharmed, but the driver of the other vehicle was not so fortunate. After screaming in agony for two minutes, he perished—in clear view of A.B., who was unable to save him. (As it turned out, the cause of the accident was mundane and easily avoidable. Two drivers had sought to merge into the same lane at once, neither willing to let the other in first. Both sped up, and one vehicle rammed into the rear bumper of the other, sending it soaring over the median where it crashed.)
The image of the victim's agonized face and the sound of his terrifying screams would haunt A.B. for months. Fear of encountering a similar situation prevented him from driving his truck. Several months of psychotherapy were needed to help A.B. cope with his nightmare. His mind had unwittingly reasoned that if a crash like that could happen once, it could surely occur a second time. To avoid a second mishap he stayed housebound where he was still tormented regardless.
Anger
Anger precludes happiness. When angry we think only of the injustice inflicted by others. We focus on what they did and feel like a victim of their wrongdoing. These angry thoughts produce angry feelings. By altering our thoughts we have the power to change the way we feel. We then are capable of changing our emotional responses. It is better to focus on our reaction to what others have done instead of their deeds. We are able to change ourselves much easier than changing others.
Guilt
Guilt will interfere with happiness. Avoidance of anything or anyone reminiscent of a guilt-inducing situation is a common response. A.C. was an attractive, well-mannered 18-year-old woman whose first sexual relation was with an aggressive man on their fourth date together. Plagued with guilt, she never wanted to see him again. Recognizing her virtuous character, the man asked for her hand in marriage. She was taken aback by that suggestion and urged him to leave. In response, he threatened to tell her mother what they had done if she would not consent to marriage. "No, no, anything but that," A.C. pleaded. Soon thereafter they did marry. I chuckled as she told me this story. She asked, "What's so funny?" I told her it is usually the other way around: she threatens to tell her father if he won't marry her (she has given me permission to tell this vignette). A.C. eventually realized that avoiding her lover was her way of "purging" herself of the guilt of having premarital sex. Through therapy, she learned to be more forgiving of herself.
Shame
Oftentimes people feel shame not as a result of a personal wrongdoing but due to life circumstances beyond their control. Ben Hooper was born to unmarried parents and never did know his father. As a boy, he was regularly taunted because of his family status, and often chose to spend recess time alone. In public, he sensed that everyone was looking down upon him. When Ben was twelve, a new minister arrived at his church. Ben had developed the habit of slipping out of church early to avoid talking to anyone, but one Sunday the minister interrupted his departure. Placing his hand on Ben's shoulder, he asked, "Who are you, son? Whose boy are you?" Ben felt the burning sting of shame as even his pastor seemed to be putting him down. But when he did not respond the minister flashed a knowing smile, saying: "I know who you are. I see the family resemblance. You are a son of God." Patting Ben on the back, he continued: "You've got a great inheritance. Go and claim it." Later, Ben would state that this was the single most important phrase ever uttered to him in his life. His entire self-image changed after receiving these comforting words. He would eventually be elected governor of Tennessee. Each of us has an "inheritance" to be happy and successful, if we care to claim it.
Sadness
Sadness sabotages our capacity for enjoyment and causes us to form a pessimistic outlook on life. A sad or discouraged person will distort the world by looking through his brown colored glasses making everything look like excrement. He expects everything to turn out badly. He needs to look out a different window to see the beauty of life. By altering his thought pattern using cognitive therapy skills he can improve his feelings.
Loneliness
Loneliness is a self-inflicted curse. According to Dear Abby, it is the ultimate poverty. A lonely person will shun human contact only to find the sense of isolation to be intensified. When we think of loneliness we usually think of separation from loved ones, but for many persons they are also separated from themselves and their feelings. Emotional loneliness is very painful. Such persons are strangers to hemselves. How can one be happy if one does not know what he wants?
Experiences
When an event elicits a strong emotional reaction in us, it becomes an experience. Experiences shape our lives and personalities by changing the way we interact with and interpret our environment. Past events will continue to influence our future lives. Past becomes prologue.
The significant emotional event can be a sudden or dramatic one, such as a death in the family. On her fourth birthday, A.D. received a beautiful new coat. Unfortunately, the first time that she wore it was at her mother's funeral the following week. From then on, receiving new gifts made her feel sad. In therapy A.D., who was now an adult, came to understand that she was subconsciously associating the gift of the coat with the loss of her mother. As a child, she had believed that requesting the new coat had "killed" her mother, and though she later came to understand that the two events were not related at all, her youthful acceptance of blame had lingered, on a subconscious level, ever since. Sadness had become her punishment for desiring anything. Therapy allowed her to realize how irrational the "link" between wanting something new and the loss of her mother truly was. Since then A.D. has been able to enjoy receiving gifts. Two experiences may occur within a short time of each other, but that does not mean that the first led to the second. They are often coincidental, and not causal.
Sticks and stones may break our bones, but—contrary to the conclusion of the schoolyard rhyme—words can often leave a lasting emotional wound. Incidental, off-the-cuff remarks can often have long-lasting hurtful effects on their recipients. Each of us has probably heard discouraging lines such as "You aren't very good at this" or "You'll never learn how to do this" from an authority figure, such as a parent, teacher or coach, about a skill. As children, inexperienced in so many aspects of life, we can be highly impressionable and tend to accept what our authorities state at face value. Negative statements such as the ones listed above may just be an expression of the adult's and not the child's frustration, but they can prove prophetic if the child takes them to heart. They can become etched in the child's cognition and accepted as "universal truths" without question. Victor Bloom, a psychiatrist, explains that people who utter these criticisms are usually referring to themselves: "When one gives unsolicited advice, one only hears the problems of the advice-giver." The speaker is talking about his experiences and not yours.
Many of us find ourselves unwittingly repeating these unhelpful criticisms. At times, I find it necessary to turn to the "Executive Teddy Bear" I keep in my office. This ingenious creation will provide a confidence-building statement whenever its string is pulled. Examples include "You're on your way to the top," "There is nothing you can't do," and my personal favorite, "You're a winner: Teddy knows." This bear can help us become aware of the ways in which we unknowingly deprecate ourselves. My patients often find the bear to be very comforting in addition to humorous. You can create your own "teddy bear" by writing encouraging sentences on 3x5 cards and reading them when feeling discouraged. During my training period whenever I had a particular bad day I would resort to my collection of "thank you" notes from former patients to remind me that I am capable of helping others.
Trauma: Victor or Victim?
Trauma equals "trouble." It may arrive in the wake of a single incident, such as an accident or crime, or it may result from an accumulation of numerous painful experiences, or "micro traumas." Trauma arouses an intense reaction from within us, often both physical and psychological. It is often said that accident victims are "emotionally scarred," and this is an apt description. A scar may superficially cover a wound on the surface, but the original pristine tissue has been damaged and is less pliable. Scars of the emotional kind may result in rigid, "armored" personalities, as psychiatrist Alexander Lowen puts it. Once having gotten "burned" from hurtful experiences, a trauma victim may be driven to constrict his or her exposure and response capability to future life events to ensure that the wound never is repeated. Emotional flexibility is sacrificed in favor of rigid safety.
Thirty years ago I developed an emotional scar in response to the news that my mother had suffered a stroke. Her stroke caused a permanent paralysis on the right half of her body, coupled with an inability to speak. She lived in a nursing home for the remainder of her life. The strong woman who had reared me seemed to be gone, robbed of her talents by this sudden affliction. The result of this painful experience was that for years, I could not speak or hear the word "stroke" without cringing at the painful memory, even though I was aware that the majority of strokes are not as severe as my mother's. In fact, my father-in-law suffered a stroke not long afterward; he made virtually a total recovery. Nevertheless, that word still seemed to cause a kind of short circuit between my mind and heart because of its devastating effect on my mother and family. I am not sure if I have ever entirely overcome this scar.
That past events continue to affect our present emotional state is common knowledge. A person who has been fooled once will be more inclined to suspect trickery in the future. If you have been cheated in a business transaction you will naturally be more cautious in the future in choosing your associates. In addition to being sensitized to and aware of possible distressful outcomes, we may find ourselves actually expecting the same result to occur each time. Once sensitized, this unconscious emotional residue tends to endure until we become aware that we are allowing our past experiences to distort our current and future expectations.
We can stop the emotional bleeding by first becoming aware that our current situation is not exactly identical to the previous one. No two situations are ever going to proceed in exactly the same manner. This kind of awareness is the first step toward understanding. If we become aware that we have a tendency to expect the same outcome from two similar (but not identical) events, we can learn to evaluate situations on their own and not let the past twist our judgment. In my case I have come to learn over time that not all strokes are catastrophic.
We have a fundamental tendency to see the world in binary terms: "good" and "bad," or "safe" and "unsafe." A young child learns that certain actions are pleasing to his parents and others are displeasing. Childhood games can teach us the rules of life. Youthful sayings such as "Step on a crack and break your mother's back" illustrate to their audiences that certain behaviors (e.g., avoiding a sidewalk crack) are considered right and their opposites (stepping on the crack) are considered wrong. Adults behave in a similar way. Activities and experiences are placed in either the "good/safe" or "bad/unsafe" baskets. One that falls into the second category will prompt the individual to avoid it in the future. Should one get into an automobile accident at a particular intersection, he or she may conclude that the particular intersection is "unsafe," and avoid it henceforth, even if it means taking a longer route to get to work. Perfectly rational adults often come to irrational conclusions.
Intense experiences are especially salient when they occur during childhood. Because children have gone through relatively few life events, they may not be able to place a traumatic episode into its proper context, and early experiences can powerfully influence their attitudes thereafter. A young child frightened in an amusement park ride may conclude that such rides are inherently dangerous, having had few other rides to compare it to. In adolescence, social ostracism—whether fueled by personal appearance, athletic ability, grades, or other factors—can destroy one's self-image. A "microtrauma" such as not being invited to a party can affect a teen's personality. Psychiatry can help us achieve liberation from childhood emotional scars by leading us to reinterpret the events that caused us so much pain.
I have specialized in helping trauma victims for more than 30 years, going back to my "on the job training" as a Navy physician serving with the Marines in Vietnam. In January 1968, our outpost found itself surrounded 4:1 by the North Vietnamese army at Khe Sanh for what turned out to be for more than two months. Each day we wondered when and if we would be overrun. Naturally this produced scores of terrifying moments. From this and many other similar situations I gained a deep personal understanding of the manner in which terror produces trauma. This eventually spurred me to become a psychiatrist. Finding the answer to the question, "Why do people react the way they do?" became my professional quest. Why do some of us find it impossible to overcome past painful experiences? How can we stop the emotional bleeding caused by these experiences? What distinguishes the victors from the victims?
A.E. is a married woman with two children. Due to an apparently minor anxiety, she felt compelled to visit my office. During her initial session, I reviewed her life's history, as is customary in psychiatry. I was stunned to hear her tale. Between the ages of five and thirteen, A.E. had been sexually abused by every male member of her family. In one particularly disturbing episode, she was tied to a tree and then violated by three of them in succession. Her two sisters, who were similarly abused as girls, eventually turned to drug abuse and prostitution. A.E., by contrast, completed high school, married and raised a family, and experienced a seemingly normal adulthood. Based on her current status few would have ever suspected A.E. to be a victim of childhood sexual trauma, much less the kind of repeated abuse she experienced. When I asked her how she managed to avoid the fate of her sisters, she provided a brilliant reply: "Dr. Mercier, I guess it is not what happens to you [that matters], but how you come out of it."
(Continues...)
Excerpted from Happiness: The Better Choiceby Raymond Mercier Copyright © 2012 by Raymond Mercier M.D.. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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